AH YES, SEDATIVES AND ANTI ANXIETY PILLSS OH JOY AND HAPPINESS

well, I'm about to return to work after having been off now since june 19th.. i return sept 22nd... 3 mths of no owrking.... so i'm trying to look on the bright side and consider it a paid summer vacation.....but i went stir crazy. small town, no car, and 60%pay......and oh did i ention i cocooned severly and spent my while summer off... pretty much holed up in my cardboard box of an apt... yeah...oh well its better then no town, no transportation at all, no pay, and not apartment :)
yeah so consider me insane, all medded up an shit. light stuff tho. puts me out like a light so as per doc's orders taking half the orig dose and a lot less often. i lost 3 days on that stuff when i was taking the orig dosage for the first few days off work.... srlsy. i slept for 3 days straight practically....
now the meds arent so effecvtive for sleeping... sumtimes they work other times they dont. they do help when i am in the midst of a panic attack tho....
so now 1 week and i will be back to work... and i'm hating it. i hate my job but w/ n college.... and small town... well call centre jobs are about it for me.
for now
I'm should look for a new job, but me and change... we dont work so well and on top of that the pay and benifits and hours are top notch...its the job i hate.... the stupid team manager.... the stats pushing.... the ppl yealling at me....if i were in billing and not collections maybe i'd be happier.... but because of my damn team manager and a cpl of bad stupid stats... i'm fucked. hey i've got it where it counts... i am scoring an average of %98 this yr on my call recordings that were scored.... and trust me thata bog deal... cus most of those calls scored were at 100%. i've got the call handle time down extrremly low.... 2-3 min for a call... i just have a lot of time in between calls where i spend too much time not taking calls cus i'm calling customers back, filing out stuff or going to get my teas or water ot bathroom breaks...lol. that one stat elused me... oh that and getting on the phones in tiem from break...lol. i'll nvr have that oe. sorry its my failing point... i'll be at work to do my job.. i'll be early, i'll stay late... but i nvr take breaks on time... sumtimes i forget to takew them, other times i take them after i am scheduled cus i've forgotten, other times i'll take them and i'll log back on the phones a cpl minutes late....aint gonna get fixed,,, cus of that i'm noyt call centre material...
i wish i cld go back to my old job.... taking phone calls for hotels and reserving rooms for custoers..... i kicked ass at that! i only lost the job cus i got sick.... my heart was failing e and i missed waaaay too much time off work.....
anyways..cant go back... so i am trapped in this damn job...too cared to leave..too stressed to be happy....
speaking of happy....
it's been 1 yr for allan and me. our official anniversary is sept 24th..or was ot 25.... thats one reason i'll nvr get angry at my men for forgettign an aniversary.... as long as they get the aproximate date i;m ok... cus i do the same thing..mix up dates by one day or so off...
man...one year....
and still secret...
fuck i hate that....
i dunno how myhead stays sane. and there are times i hate my heart for falling in love w/ yet another difficult relationship. My friend in bc seems to think its cus i dont think i deserve any better.... who knows. al i know is my heart is happiest with allan. my heart loves allan...
but....i am only so strong... and i grow weary of hiding...
its beena yr.... one year.... and no one inmy family knows him... basic things liek holding hans in pucblic...or even havig my facebook sttus say "i miss my man" can't be dun... cus as far a sthe world is concerned. i have no boyfriend...
but fuck...i lovehim... and i'll punish myself by hding in the dark about my love for as long as i can cus i love him....
u realise how fucked up that is???? a secret boyfriend....
fuck.
but i love him... and the heart does not ask why...it just feels....
allan is wonderful.... he is handsum, sexy, has one of the kindest hearts i know.... he loves me quirks and all... doesnt want me to chang and actually does his best to uplift me and holf me up .... he leans on me for support. he actually talks to me, we have intimacy. he looks to me for ewmotional support. he needs me. and i need him. his smile melts me everytime. his intellect amazes me...he seems to know a lil bit of everything...like what vincent van gogh was on whenh he hacked off his ear supposedly... and stuff lke that. lol. he not so good at math, but he's an awesome actor. my god one night we went to this party where we had to dress like mobsters/mafia folk and we got characters we had to act out.... omg u shld have seen him! WHAT TALENT!!!!!! his voce, his demeanor.... everythig... i mean i fancied myself a damn good actress. won an award or two. was told i was a damn good actress and at that same party had the head of the party ask me if i was in charater or or if i was actually fighting w/ sum1... ok.... but alan... made my acting skills look like the worst acting job ever!
wow.
i lovehis talent. lol.
i think he so very considerate of others and thir feeling. he ddint know Vincent's sister from a hole in the ground except from vincents funeral..and he has been ther helping her along thru her grief.... found her councilling, talked to her..... wow. thats a man i love.....
he's so intelligent, he can do stuff w/ computers i can only dream of! he knows all the gadgets in my pc and can fix them too!
he actually came to my show the other night ... my church choir was singing ina local festival and he came to see me.....lol. when i almost quit, he all but begged me to stay on and sing... lol.
i love him.....
and its been a yr....
and i pray for another yr and many more...
speaking of which.. i have to go.... i've made him a website....which i need to maintain... i hope he likes it....
full of poetry and muic and stories... and stuff .... lol. i've been working on it for a few weeks now....
i will reveal t to him on our date night... the day b4 or the day of our anniversary :)
oh, and btw.. hes gone for 2 days on a work course.. and my god do i miss him! sundays nightsdare one of our nights together and not having him here to cuddle up to, to talk to... to hold... toplay with . to make lve to, well dammit... it heart wrenching... i mis him sooooooo much... now i know i have it bad... 6 mths away from frank when iw as married and i'd feel like this.... 2 days away fromallan and i'm feeling liek that ...
lol
oh dear.... walks with wolves has been struck down by cupid in the hardest of ways.... nt just one of his arrows hit me.. i thionk a whole lotta arrows hit this gal..lol.