okay.... listen.. i vent ok... i let all the bad out to let the good in...
i just.... i dont want to make allan sound bad or anything... friday was wonderful! seriously it was. awkrd when he mentioned the news about coming out..but otherwise wonderful....
we started off with e nice drive that wa skinda long cus i was deer in headlights. he shared with me about his godfather. it was adorable! his godfather passed awaye a while ago...but he talkes about him like it was yesterday. he still has this dollar bill in his wallet his godfather gave him when he was 6. isnt that sweet!
c'mon say it with me.... "awwwwwwwwwwwwww"
the guys 36, thats double "awwwwwwwwwwwww"
lol
he then tells me he's paying for dinner and asks whenere i really want to go... we sit down to dinner and he takes off my jacket and hangs it for me... i ask for a strawberry daquri ( yea girly girly drink) he buys his beer... blue. my boyfriend is a labatts blue man... (insert song "i'm blue" by those one hit wonder guys from the late 1990's)
he shared his appetiser with me, and we shared dessert together.... one lil mini cake....with a candle in it cus he asked for one as it was my birthday (i'm glad we didnt go to boston pizza. they make u stand up ona stool and they sing to you...wait, i kinda like that....wait hno, secret boyfriend, even ina nother city so no standing up and getting birthday song sung to you...
we held hands... gave each other lil kisses once in a while... it was sweet. not nearly as lovey dovey as our one year anniversary but still lvoey dovey.i blameit on the deer in headlight news he gave me onthe way up..... i was not able to get past it.
u know the wole "emily and i are only a cpl steps away from coming out about polyamoury" things...
anayways....
it was a lovely night.... i really enjoyed driving around town and seeing where his godparent lived. it was a bad part of the town now, but it usedot be a nice place. it was sweet to hear about the clunker truck his dad and his godfather built. and even cuter when he talked baout the time his friend dropped into a pipe on the truck a roll of caps ( those things u used to buy to put int he toy guns to make em pop) and his godfathers son and him laughed their asses off at the huge bang! lol
it was a lovely night
very lovey dovey
and... achkhem... allan said it was his best drive home...
i ummm... well....nvere gave a guy a blow job while he drove a car i mean..it is dangerous but allan is good at multitasking and welll i though i'd see how much he cld handle....
thankfully i was still sick...i mean have u ever tried to give a guy a blowjob when u have brnchitis..it aint easy....
i had to stop cus i was going to caugh and coucghin whil giveing a blowjob stranely enuff is not sexy!
anyways.... he then proceeded to finger me while he drove..rotten blessed man! payback is sweet! anyways, that was wonderful... then we parked and tried to have sex int he car... not wondeful... the car, not so easy to have sex int he drivers seat... think wld have been eaier in the passenger seat.... damn staring wheel. I MISS ALLANS VAN!!!!!
anyways we then went home and ended the night inthe usual way..making love.
thats nice to say... my usual way to ending my nights w/ allan is by making love...
anyways.... i needed t say sum positive things, sothat u know...i just needed to
the other stuff in the previosu message still applies...
this does too tho...
But time, new love, and Jesus heal all wounds
Monday, April 20, 2009
birthday
So, i cvelebrated my birthday friday.
allan took me out to dinner. at my request of course. we went out of the city. i basically asked him to take me to a nearby town, i wanted to go ona date for my birthday with my boyfriend...can;t do that here i said. he asked wifey too. the last time it was our anniversary and he wanted to take me out for a special night, and didnt tell wifey he was out of town! for fucks sake. i wanted to prove a point to him so i asked him to ask emily... and i told emily too. no escaping. guess what allan, emily said it was ok.... sheesh. sometimes that boy is to secretive. i think he likes it ina way...not lol.
anyways i asked, he asked, she said yes, so off we went.
he dropped a damn atom bomb on my lap. weirdest birthday gift i have ever received...ever,
he said to me on the way put to dinner "so emily and i were talking and... we are litterally steps away from coming out. she has to talk to her brother about "comin out of the closet" so to speak, and we need to find a childrens coucncillor so we can deal with the kids... but yeah thats it...s he and i are pretty much ready"
can we say "deer in headlights"
it what i have always wanted... i have been patient... telling them i want it but always quick to add they sould not do it for me...afterall what if i split from fear and then they are left not ready to face the world as a poly cpouple and they are out... right?
anyways.... i was so happy, but so frikking scared outta my mind!
all these thoughts ran though my head... what would his father or mother think? would his dad and mom still like me, or see me as sum slut bangin his married/engaged son?
what about my dad? would he treat allan like he treated frank? with respect and dignity, supporting his daughters lifestyle choice? or would he want to beat allan to a pulp?
what about my friends? i know what mae would think, she's dead...but i know what she would think.
my friend out west, my best friend, she already univited allan from her wedding day the day b4 her wedding (broke my heart, but her wedding right?)
i mean....waaaay too much negativity.....
i love him
and all i have ever wanted is to be able to go to a dance with him, as a date. go to the movies ona date....go to dinenr ona date. to hold hands walking down the street or thru the mall.. to give a lil peck on the lips at he drops me off at the mall or to work or when we meet up in the mall or sumplace.... u know? no serious pda, just msall diaplays of pda....
to cuddle on the sofa together even if theres company...
i wanted a boyfriend and not sum guy i am dating in the shadows!
but does that mean i'm not terrified of when they do come out...
hell no! i scared shitless!
weird birthday gift.... wonderful...but weird.
allan says it wasnt planned as to be told on my b-day. just emily and him got to talking and after about 45 minutes, just said.... yup. we're ready except for this and this....
okay.
all i know is i'm tired...i'm happy, but tired.. and confused.
i think he was kinda diapointed i didnt jump in his lap with joy... he commented that the ride up was kinda silent
well what did u expect... i'm scared. i mean, i want a boyfriend in public but.... all the predjudice, i hope i'm not predjudicing at being predudiced...
does that make sense
i wanted to talk to him on sunday, i have things i want to ask and things i need to talk about...i mean, i'm scared and i didnt want to get into that stuff on my birthday
and we were supposed to get together ast night and he doesnt even call to say he'll be late. i texted him and he was resting inside waiting for the hot water and to take a shower... then he fell asleep
i can;t be mad at him for falling asleep, right?
but he could have called to tell me he'd be late... instead i had to call him...
i waited up till 1130, thinking "he said he'd be here... he didnt say he wouldnt.... justa lil longer...dont text hima gain...that would be too clingy. he said he'd be here.. i'm sure he will...if he was too tired he would have said..he said he was waiting for hot water...." i fell asleep around 1130, i rolled over on the couch and decided when he came thru the door i'd hear him as usual....i wqoke up at 1238 an he wasnt there...
i went to bed..and cried myself to sleep
he doesnt know that...
i emailed him today. he said "sorry darlin, i feel asslep ont eh couch. didnt wake up till3am"
i mean..i cant be mad at him for falign alseep onthe couch right? and i am not i just... why did i have to text him to ask where he was...why not call me and say "i'm runnin late, i am waiting for the hot water to take a shower..see you soon beautiful"
i dunno...
i guess i just cried cus i missed him..a nd iw anted to talk... and he never said he wasnt coming....
i'm way too emotional.... it is silly to be upset at him...
anyways...
got more important things to worry about...
anyways... i can;t help but feel i diapointed him in my reaction to his news on my birthday....
totally deer in headlights..i aint kidding... i feel horrible.... maybe i'm just projecting my feelings of hating my reation to his news and thats why i am so upset over last night... i'm not made upset persay.... sad, diapointed, a lil miffed at lack of consideration...just, i dunno... set yer alrm ofsumthing or at least have the decency to say "i'm sorry i'm still working int he garage with my dad..i'll be running late" or " i'm sorry i was working int he garage with my dad, its kinda late now and i'm tired...can we meet later this week"
or i dunno..maybe when i email you today asking if we can get together this week sumtime... anwer me?
fuck!
yeah i guess i am miffed about this....justa lil... again, projcting or sumthing.. mountain outta mole hill really..just need to vent ...i just.... justa phone call..is that so hard to ask...
and i guess i am mad at myself for feeling liek i can't call him cus it would be intruding or too clingy. and i guess i am mad at myself for waiting up for a man, telling mysef he'd show... and crying when he didnt... silly really. stupid silly of me to cry liek that over sumthing so small andpuny....
anyways...
it was till a nice birthday weekend...
dad gave me 50$. i bought a buncha used books (7 actually) , a new/used suede jacket, a set of dice for my roleplaying (yeah i play dungeons and dragons and the like...lol) and a lunch....
i did that ona saturday afternoon.
i was recovering from my bronchitis. oh yeah i faile dto mention that.... i caught bronchitis sumhow.... scared me shitless when the doc at the clinic told me. hoe the hell did i end up with a respitory infection...and i'd nvr had bronchitis b4. can be good for my ehart, all that coucghing and fevers and such... getting my family doc to chk me out thursday.....for peace of mind....
anaywas... saturday was nice... getting over bronchitis... sat night i ahd a good cry feeling sorry for myself and ordered pizza to cheer me up cus well i was feeling down. sunday i slept in, waitined on allan and cried myself to sleep...
next weekend will be better... no damn birthday to celebrate. n reason to feel left out and alone...
i hate birthdays....oj i dont hate birthdays, i used to love em... my ex would get me sumthing or tae me out. my friends mae and her daughter would get me sumthing. my ex's family would buy me gifts and a cake and i'd have a birthday dinner....
it wasnt ever year i;d have abirthday dinner.. but still... i felt loved..... and wanted...
not that i didnt feel that friday....friday was lovely. i really enjoyed it. allan opened the car dors for me... ordered dessert and asked for a candle int he cake for my birthday.. we shared the dessert together...he took em ona tour and told me sum wonder stories of his childhood... i loved it..
i still felt so lonely that weekend... i wanted a birthday cake. and icecream cake. a cake with my name o it and family to share it with. u know? franks parent, one year they found pout i bought my own birthday cake....the nxt yr they bought me mine and the whole faily came over for dinner and there were kids runign around and gifts and lotsa love....
last year i had a party with friends at a local pool bar. played sum pool had a fewdrinks...
this year..i thought i'd be fine with justa dinenr with allan...
wrong.
anwyas i'm thru pitying myself.... wish i'd grow a damn backbone and quite being all whiney.... do sumthing! u know?
anyways....
ta ta fer now...
pity parade has left
allan took me out to dinner. at my request of course. we went out of the city. i basically asked him to take me to a nearby town, i wanted to go ona date for my birthday with my boyfriend...can;t do that here i said. he asked wifey too. the last time it was our anniversary and he wanted to take me out for a special night, and didnt tell wifey he was out of town! for fucks sake. i wanted to prove a point to him so i asked him to ask emily... and i told emily too. no escaping. guess what allan, emily said it was ok.... sheesh. sometimes that boy is to secretive. i think he likes it ina way...not lol.
anyways i asked, he asked, she said yes, so off we went.
he dropped a damn atom bomb on my lap. weirdest birthday gift i have ever received...ever,
he said to me on the way put to dinner "so emily and i were talking and... we are litterally steps away from coming out. she has to talk to her brother about "comin out of the closet" so to speak, and we need to find a childrens coucncillor so we can deal with the kids... but yeah thats it...s he and i are pretty much ready"
can we say "deer in headlights"
it what i have always wanted... i have been patient... telling them i want it but always quick to add they sould not do it for me...afterall what if i split from fear and then they are left not ready to face the world as a poly cpouple and they are out... right?
anyways.... i was so happy, but so frikking scared outta my mind!
all these thoughts ran though my head... what would his father or mother think? would his dad and mom still like me, or see me as sum slut bangin his married/engaged son?
what about my dad? would he treat allan like he treated frank? with respect and dignity, supporting his daughters lifestyle choice? or would he want to beat allan to a pulp?
what about my friends? i know what mae would think, she's dead...but i know what she would think.
my friend out west, my best friend, she already univited allan from her wedding day the day b4 her wedding (broke my heart, but her wedding right?)
i mean....waaaay too much negativity.....
i love him
and all i have ever wanted is to be able to go to a dance with him, as a date. go to the movies ona date....go to dinenr ona date. to hold hands walking down the street or thru the mall.. to give a lil peck on the lips at he drops me off at the mall or to work or when we meet up in the mall or sumplace.... u know? no serious pda, just msall diaplays of pda....
to cuddle on the sofa together even if theres company...
i wanted a boyfriend and not sum guy i am dating in the shadows!
but does that mean i'm not terrified of when they do come out...
hell no! i scared shitless!
weird birthday gift.... wonderful...but weird.
allan says it wasnt planned as to be told on my b-day. just emily and him got to talking and after about 45 minutes, just said.... yup. we're ready except for this and this....
okay.
all i know is i'm tired...i'm happy, but tired.. and confused.
i think he was kinda diapointed i didnt jump in his lap with joy... he commented that the ride up was kinda silent
well what did u expect... i'm scared. i mean, i want a boyfriend in public but.... all the predjudice, i hope i'm not predjudicing at being predudiced...
does that make sense
i wanted to talk to him on sunday, i have things i want to ask and things i need to talk about...i mean, i'm scared and i didnt want to get into that stuff on my birthday
and we were supposed to get together ast night and he doesnt even call to say he'll be late. i texted him and he was resting inside waiting for the hot water and to take a shower... then he fell asleep
i can;t be mad at him for falling asleep, right?
but he could have called to tell me he'd be late... instead i had to call him...
i waited up till 1130, thinking "he said he'd be here... he didnt say he wouldnt.... justa lil longer...dont text hima gain...that would be too clingy. he said he'd be here.. i'm sure he will...if he was too tired he would have said..he said he was waiting for hot water...." i fell asleep around 1130, i rolled over on the couch and decided when he came thru the door i'd hear him as usual....i wqoke up at 1238 an he wasnt there...
i went to bed..and cried myself to sleep
he doesnt know that...
i emailed him today. he said "sorry darlin, i feel asslep ont eh couch. didnt wake up till3am"
i mean..i cant be mad at him for falign alseep onthe couch right? and i am not i just... why did i have to text him to ask where he was...why not call me and say "i'm runnin late, i am waiting for the hot water to take a shower..see you soon beautiful"
i dunno...
i guess i just cried cus i missed him..a nd iw anted to talk... and he never said he wasnt coming....
i'm way too emotional.... it is silly to be upset at him...
anyways...
got more important things to worry about...
anyways... i can;t help but feel i diapointed him in my reaction to his news on my birthday....
totally deer in headlights..i aint kidding... i feel horrible.... maybe i'm just projecting my feelings of hating my reation to his news and thats why i am so upset over last night... i'm not made upset persay.... sad, diapointed, a lil miffed at lack of consideration...just, i dunno... set yer alrm ofsumthing or at least have the decency to say "i'm sorry i'm still working int he garage with my dad..i'll be running late" or " i'm sorry i was working int he garage with my dad, its kinda late now and i'm tired...can we meet later this week"
or i dunno..maybe when i email you today asking if we can get together this week sumtime... anwer me?
fuck!
yeah i guess i am miffed about this....justa lil... again, projcting or sumthing.. mountain outta mole hill really..just need to vent ...i just.... justa phone call..is that so hard to ask...
and i guess i am mad at myself for feeling liek i can't call him cus it would be intruding or too clingy. and i guess i am mad at myself for waiting up for a man, telling mysef he'd show... and crying when he didnt... silly really. stupid silly of me to cry liek that over sumthing so small andpuny....
anyways...
it was till a nice birthday weekend...
dad gave me 50$. i bought a buncha used books (7 actually) , a new/used suede jacket, a set of dice for my roleplaying (yeah i play dungeons and dragons and the like...lol) and a lunch....
i did that ona saturday afternoon.
i was recovering from my bronchitis. oh yeah i faile dto mention that.... i caught bronchitis sumhow.... scared me shitless when the doc at the clinic told me. hoe the hell did i end up with a respitory infection...and i'd nvr had bronchitis b4. can be good for my ehart, all that coucghing and fevers and such... getting my family doc to chk me out thursday.....for peace of mind....
anaywas... saturday was nice... getting over bronchitis... sat night i ahd a good cry feeling sorry for myself and ordered pizza to cheer me up cus well i was feeling down. sunday i slept in, waitined on allan and cried myself to sleep...
next weekend will be better... no damn birthday to celebrate. n reason to feel left out and alone...
i hate birthdays....oj i dont hate birthdays, i used to love em... my ex would get me sumthing or tae me out. my friends mae and her daughter would get me sumthing. my ex's family would buy me gifts and a cake and i'd have a birthday dinner....
it wasnt ever year i;d have abirthday dinner.. but still... i felt loved..... and wanted...
not that i didnt feel that friday....friday was lovely. i really enjoyed it. allan opened the car dors for me... ordered dessert and asked for a candle int he cake for my birthday.. we shared the dessert together...he took em ona tour and told me sum wonder stories of his childhood... i loved it..
i still felt so lonely that weekend... i wanted a birthday cake. and icecream cake. a cake with my name o it and family to share it with. u know? franks parent, one year they found pout i bought my own birthday cake....the nxt yr they bought me mine and the whole faily came over for dinner and there were kids runign around and gifts and lotsa love....
last year i had a party with friends at a local pool bar. played sum pool had a fewdrinks...
this year..i thought i'd be fine with justa dinenr with allan...
wrong.
anwyas i'm thru pitying myself.... wish i'd grow a damn backbone and quite being all whiney.... do sumthing! u know?
anyways....
ta ta fer now...
pity parade has left
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