But time, new love, and Jesus heal all wounds

Friday, March 11, 2011

Hello Monogamy... you kick ass!!!

I've doen a lot of soul searching. gave both men equal oppertinity.... weighed down all the pros and cons. and as u can tell from my title...i chose wesley. monogamy.
i doidnt have to change anything for wesley. i didnt have to give anythign up. i just gained. wherewith allan and emily i wld give up my church, my faith, i would have to change inthe way of how i lived and dated and share... and theres non of that with wesley.
i had a few thngs that happened to help...
i walked down the hall one day after work and he was getting home the same time. he looked up at me, said hello and smiled..
suddenly i was overwhelmed and smiled so much i litterally FELT the smile and had to lean against the wall in the hallway to keep from falling down. he invited me over to dinner...
we had spen about a month at that point gettign to know one and another. about two weeks into the month i admitted i had a crush. the next two weeks i spent more time with him...hours atta time. litterally.. like from 6pm to like elebven pm.
he was so respectful.
not once did he try and grope or kiss .. just flitatious comments and cooking meals for me. asking questions and gettign to know each other...
then one day, we are hanging out... and he asks me to go to UFC night with the boys to meet his father figure. and father figure reads my past realtionships like a book. and wesley is hearign this all for the first time. and father figure soeant disapprove of me. and wesley doeant run away screaming. instead, he tells me "what kinda man would i be if i ran aaway now?"
wow. so.... my dad comes down from afganistan on leave. so i ask him to meet my dad. but before we do i metnion it wld hvwot be feb 15 because it is thursday, dad is gone for weekend and wont be back till monday and monday is val day. wesley agrees to meet dad then says " shit, mondays val day. oh we shld get together." i say " u...u wld liek to spend val day woth me? really" and he says "well why wouldnt i?" so i say yes. then later that night wesley tosses me apillow. now at this point the most he's done is sumwhat cuddle. that is,,, put a pillow on his lap (to hide a certain hard on ....omg thatw as too cute LOl) and he has combed my hair... oddly a turn on because of it sweet gentlness and respectfullness. well that night aftwer i ask to meet my dad, and after i accept val day plans .... he makes a move. FINALLY. lol. cus i sure as hell wasnt makign any moves. he tossed me a pillow, ands theres a ton of pillows on my side of sofa. heson the other side. i lean back... then... bam there he is. leaning back on me. lol. we're cuddling!!!!!!!! and i say "wow sly move htere" and he says "well i knew i'd have to mke a move eventually" and we giggle.
it was a great night. so later that night when allan drops by my place i proceed to tell allan later tha night that wesley beat him to val day plans and that i have my answer as to dateing him and emily and that i want to wait till afetr he birthday ons aturday.
saturday night..i come home and wesley wants to hang out. we cuddle ont he sofa the whoel night. he goes home int he wee hours.... never tries to do anythign to me. just cuddles and talk.... i try to ask him if he wants to be ina commited relationship but i cant speak and he just says he knows what im asking ans to take my time and ask me later. lol. i actually fall asleep in his arms i'm that comfortable and trusting of him at this point. he doesnt stay the night...he goes home.
and i know for sure..beyond any doubt now. my answer to allan and amily at this point...is beyond a shadow of a doubt... no to poly, no to allan and emily. yes to monogamy and wesley.
dont get me wrong. i also weighed allt he pros and cons. realised i had already moved on from allan. i had let go. and that the poly reraltionship was unhealthy for me. and that all they were promising were like grains of sand in my hands. there was nothign firm. all words. but with wesley, even tho i had no idea if it wld last.... there was so much more firmess to what he offered...even potentially.
so sunday. i tell allan. no. emily cried. allan cried. i creid. i laid in his lapthe whole night. he streoked my head. it was a final goodbye. it was sweet. bitter swweet. i went to work the next day feeling lighthearted knowing i'd made the right choice for me. monogamy and wesley.
so then monday comes and well... despite my answer, and my goodbye. allan drops off a val day card. he told me hed always be there. hed wait as long as it took for me to decide. 6 secnds,. 6 minuites. 6 hrs. 6 days. 6mths. 6yrs. but sunday i made up my mind. well he choose to crop off a card, that spoke of love, and said that wole 6,6,6,6 thing.. argh, apparently with emilys apporoval too! for fuck sakes.
persdonally i thinkt he only reason she said yes to poly was cus she wanted to have her boy toy ont he side and she didnt want to see me mve on us it meant allan had lost me and in turn she cld ose allan (in her mind)
anyways... i hide the card... and try to have a cood val day. val day is a series of fails that make me and wesley smile and laugh. i mess up the supper i planned. it is...edible. but gross. then he picks two comedies.... that rent funny at all. they r horridly terrible. one is about a lame divorced man who 's girlfriend is fucking sumbody behinf his back and his son dies..... yeah funny. not. then the other is about a coedy star, who get terminal cancer! shesh!!! so we have a good laugh. we cuddle to other movies.... and i finally ask him... if we can be ina commited exclusive relatonship. he says yes.
so wehave our anniversary...on val day. easy for both us to remember. lol
then next day...he meets dad. i tell dad, who knows about allan and emilya nd their question..that ive said no to allan and emilya nd yes to wesley. dad meets and loves wesley. thinks he is "a down to earth guy. very honest. a good man. i like him"
since then... wesley ahs learned of me being on antidepressants. since then he has seen me at my worst screaming adn yelling and crying at emily and allan. he knows all abot emilya nd allan and who they are. he knows i was molested as a kid. he knows all about me and frank.... and he hasnt gone running. to the contrary...he just came right to me, held me close and whispered "i'm not goign anywheres. what kida man would i be if i left u know."and reiterates he wants all of me... good bad n ugly.
things have fallen apart with me and allan and emily. i have no more contact with them. even now, wesley says he hopes me and emily can be freinds and he really didnt mind me an allan being freinds but i think hes glad i dropped hi cus i dont think he liekd him much LOL.
wesley says about my last two relationships "u poor dear, u've never really had a real boyfriend before."
wesley says "you're priority one in my life"
he mkes time for me. theres no shareing. no worrying about another person other then wesley. there sno comlications. and theres no other life to go back to.
oh my goodness we are so much alike in our sense of humour and how we trest kids. hes amazing with kids. and hes so kind anrespectful. and so very honest. i never thought i wld meet sumbody as honest as me..and hes more honest!!!
and hes is so csareing. he once spent a whole night at the hospital with me... from 10pm to6am...
and he had to work at 8am!!!!
hesso affectionate. i can cuddle with him, hold his arm..peck onthe lip and no worries sumbody will see. i dont care if they do.
i can talk about him.
and best of all..he moves at my pace. and his pace is my pace LOL. he never pushes...when it comes to sex he knows i want to wait till marriage or at least till i love him. and hes ok with that. he hasnt done anthing t me or tried to do stuff ..and if i say no(which i have)hes backed right off... and it feel awesum!!!
i am so very smitten by him.
ok lets be honet, i love him. but i'm not goign to say that. not now. too soon. lol. but i do. i want this to work. i hope it does.....
he is my partner. he is all about supporting the woman, and being ther for me, and i coem first etc. but he is an eual. i dont follow him, he doesnt lag behind me. we are equal. partners.
he is even goign back to school liek me!!!!!! we are both amture students, he is 28 me 27, and we are starting school all over again!.
oh .....
i'm so happy.
i know i made the right choice.
monogamy. wesley.
there is apart of me that ourns the loss of allan and emily. but...i know beyond a shadow of a dount i did what was mest for me... i chose monogamy. even if wesleya nd i dont work out...i will bemonogamous.
because in the end...
i doidnt have to change anything for wesley. i didnt have to give anythign up. i just gained. and thats what feels great.

did i mention, he has less sexual experince then me.... but still managed to hit the g spot on the third try! *grin* oh yeas...this is going to be wonderful!!!!! hey we've only folled around... no full cown sex.
but hey, i'm not a freak, ive met sumbody who like me has not much experience in relationships or sex.... and that feel awesum too. we really are equal!!!! wow!
i'm so happy.finally..sumthing good that has no drama attached o it...just good. this feels great!!!