NIGHT HOWLS

You know, its fitting i hould meet sum1 whose name is wolf.... fitting i should walk along the same path as him.... all my life I've felt so alone. There were times i could hear the wolf howl so distinct in my mind... a long mournful howl. so lonely and lost... wolfs are not solitary creratures u know... very social. its all about the pack... i've never had that. I've always felt so alone...lost... and alone.
I suppose that is why i also conncted so wellwith my favourite movie of all time... the last unicorn. She too, is told she is the last of her kind. and must go ona quest to find herself, others like her, and save herself and her kindred.
Dont mind me, i'm just ina mood.
perhaps its the lack of sleep
perhaps its work stuff bubbling up (haha, dragon lady- aka supervisor- is driving me nuts again)
or perhaps its life in general...
i dunno.
I havent told a soul this.... on april 18th, after a particularly bad bout at work w/ dragon lady in particular the straw broke the camels back. i called my friends, told allan and emily that i needed them to convince me not to go to the liquor store to buy a huge thing of booze and get plastered alone in my cardboard box of an apartment.
I was so down.... i hadnt slept the night b4, maybe a cpl hours tops. that fri night emily and allan took me to their place. they both went to bed b4 me. i drank w/ them till they were off to bed then i drank alone for a few more drinks. i could not sleep.... i watched dawn aproach... and contemplated...death.
honestly thought about how i'd do it. had it all planned out, had the goodbye letters written in my head. one for allen, one for every1 else.
when i eventually realsied what i was doing i focused on what i like to call my "snap the hel outta it" mode.
i focused on #1) suicide is self murder. murder is wrong. only god takesd life.
#2) u'd break allans heart (or at least, i like to think i would)
#3) its a cowards way out.
#4) it causes more problems for those u love
#5) u'd hurt those u love. friends family etc.
#6) its stupid
#7) whats in god's name is so shitty its worth dieong over... look at what the fuck u've been thru.... is it worse then that... no? then dont do it!
theni focus on sumthing else or try to sleep... in this case insomnis wld not allow me to sleep so...i counted trees.
yup. i counted trees. till allan came downstairs... i was never so happy to see him.... snapped me completly outta the stupidity i was feeling. see if sumthing were to happen to allen and I... ihave many ohter reasons not
to... he's just hi up there is all cus other then God, he's up ther...

it scares me. see insonia brings on weird thoughts sumtimes... and i've contemplated suicide b4. but nvr had it planned to the point of what i'd write to whom....
and it wasnt work.. its everything...
its the dreams that died w/ my marriage. its the lonliness i feel, its the hiding my relationship, its my dad, its my friends who are suffering, its my feeling lost, its my family who i have never felt a part of, its work, its my dream of being a social worker dieing alone w/ my marrige, its the fact i feel so very tired and i cant stop cus in the end i have to be strong i have to do it alone cus every1 else in my life has either left me or died, its my friends who have died or are dieing....
none of which are reasons to kill myself... but all reaons i contempleted it...
but none of which to actually do it...
I took a course, partly for me, but also to help others... on sucicide warning signs and how to talk about suicide.... the leaders words sounded pleading as she said
"if u are thinking of suicide..... choose to tell sum1 today" "tell sum1" "make the choice to tell"
obver and over agin, i heard it... and i knew i needed to tell sum1. writinf it is not enuff
i'm worried who ever i tell will think im doing it just for attenstion or worse yet will throw me in the phycho ward of the hospital (yeah that were they put the suicidals.... great way to boost self esteems, piut em along schizos liek my lil sis and the like... ok) anyways....
i dunno who to tell....
i havent thoguth of it since... but still.. mayeb i shld tell....
i dunno... i kinda am just in one of thos emoods'anyways if i dont blog for a while its only cus ive been too tired from work and from life... not cus i killed myself ok?

see you all around...

Todays theme songs

ALANIS MORISSETTE: ALL I REALLY WANT
VIDEO :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXCCv5ngyI0
LYRICS:
Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm so relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker

And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature
What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred
Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around...all around
Why are you so petrified of silence
Here can you handle this?

Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction
And all I need know is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer

All I really want is some peace man
a place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice..



I MAY NOT HAVE GROWN UP IN NAPANEE, NOR DO I HAVE LONG HAIR W/ BRAIDS.... BUT THE REST OF THE SONG FITS.... ALWAYS IN MY OWN LIL WORLD... AND AS FOR THE LAST LINE, I'M IN LOVE BUT THERE ARE TIMES I FEEL SO ALONE...

AVRIL LAVIGNE: MY WORLD
VIDEO:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pC0RDbfqH1Y
LYRICS:

Please tell me what is taking place,
Cause I can't seem to find a trace,
Guess it must've got erased somehow,
Probably cause I always forget,
Everytime someone tells me their name,
It's always gotta be the same.
(In my World)
Never wore cover-up,
Always beat the boys up,
Grew up in a 5000 population town,
Made my money by cutting grass,
Got fired by fried chicken ass,
All in a small town, Napanee.

You know I always stay up without sleepin',
And think to myself,
Where do I belong forever,
In whose arms, the time and place?

[Chorus:]
Can't help if I space in a daze,
My eyes tune out the other way,
I may switch off and go in a daydream,
In this head my thoughts are deep,
But sometimes I can't even speak,
Would someone be and not pretend? I'm off again in my World

I never spend less than an hour,
Washin' my hair in the shower,
It always takes 5 hours to make it straight,
So I'll braid it in a zillion braids,
Though it may take all friggen day,
There's nothin' else better to do anyway.

When you're all alone in the lands of forever,
Lay under the milky way,
On and on it's getting too late out,
I'm not in love this time this night.

MY WISH, MY HOPE, MY CRY.....IS THIS SONG......
WITHEN TEMPTATION: ALL I NEED
VIDEO:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6ViM8tKG1Q
LYRICS:
I'm dying to catch my breath
Oh why don't I ever learn?
I've lost all my trust,
though I've surely tried to turn it around

Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace

Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don't tear me down
You've opened the door now, don't let it close

I'm here on the edge again
I wish I could let it go
I know that I'm only one step away
from turning it around

Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace

Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe

Don't tear it down, what's left of me
Make my heart a better place

I tried many times but nothing was real
Make it fade away, don't break me down
I want to believe that this is for real
Save me from my fear
Don't tear me down

Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place

Give me something I can believe
Don't tear it down, what's left of me
Make my heart a better place
Make my heart a better plac