NIGHT HOWLS

You know, its fitting i hould meet sum1 whose name is wolf.... fitting i should walk along the same path as him.... all my life I've felt so alone. There were times i could hear the wolf howl so distinct in my mind... a long mournful howl. so lonely and lost... wolfs are not solitary creratures u know... very social. its all about the pack... i've never had that. I've always felt so alone...lost... and alone.
I suppose that is why i also conncted so wellwith my favourite movie of all time... the last unicorn. She too, is told she is the last of her kind. and must go ona quest to find herself, others like her, and save herself and her kindred.
Dont mind me, i'm just ina mood.
perhaps its the lack of sleep
perhaps its work stuff bubbling up (haha, dragon lady- aka supervisor- is driving me nuts again)
or perhaps its life in general...
i dunno.
I havent told a soul this.... on april 18th, after a particularly bad bout at work w/ dragon lady in particular the straw broke the camels back. i called my friends, told allan and emily that i needed them to convince me not to go to the liquor store to buy a huge thing of booze and get plastered alone in my cardboard box of an apartment.
I was so down.... i hadnt slept the night b4, maybe a cpl hours tops. that fri night emily and allan took me to their place. they both went to bed b4 me. i drank w/ them till they were off to bed then i drank alone for a few more drinks. i could not sleep.... i watched dawn aproach... and contemplated...death.
honestly thought about how i'd do it. had it all planned out, had the goodbye letters written in my head. one for allen, one for every1 else.
when i eventually realsied what i was doing i focused on what i like to call my "snap the hel outta it" mode.
i focused on #1) suicide is self murder. murder is wrong. only god takesd life.
#2) u'd break allans heart (or at least, i like to think i would)
#3) its a cowards way out.
#4) it causes more problems for those u love
#5) u'd hurt those u love. friends family etc.
#6) its stupid
#7) whats in god's name is so shitty its worth dieong over... look at what the fuck u've been thru.... is it worse then that... no? then dont do it!
theni focus on sumthing else or try to sleep... in this case insomnis wld not allow me to sleep so...i counted trees.
yup. i counted trees. till allan came downstairs... i was never so happy to see him.... snapped me completly outta the stupidity i was feeling. see if sumthing were to happen to allen and I... ihave many ohter reasons not
to... he's just hi up there is all cus other then God, he's up ther...

it scares me. see insonia brings on weird thoughts sumtimes... and i've contemplated suicide b4. but nvr had it planned to the point of what i'd write to whom....
and it wasnt work.. its everything...
its the dreams that died w/ my marriage. its the lonliness i feel, its the hiding my relationship, its my dad, its my friends who are suffering, its my feeling lost, its my family who i have never felt a part of, its work, its my dream of being a social worker dieing alone w/ my marrige, its the fact i feel so very tired and i cant stop cus in the end i have to be strong i have to do it alone cus every1 else in my life has either left me or died, its my friends who have died or are dieing....
none of which are reasons to kill myself... but all reaons i contempleted it...
but none of which to actually do it...
I took a course, partly for me, but also to help others... on sucicide warning signs and how to talk about suicide.... the leaders words sounded pleading as she said
"if u are thinking of suicide..... choose to tell sum1 today" "tell sum1" "make the choice to tell"
obver and over agin, i heard it... and i knew i needed to tell sum1. writinf it is not enuff
i'm worried who ever i tell will think im doing it just for attenstion or worse yet will throw me in the phycho ward of the hospital (yeah that were they put the suicidals.... great way to boost self esteems, piut em along schizos liek my lil sis and the like... ok) anyways....
i dunno who to tell....
i havent thoguth of it since... but still.. mayeb i shld tell....
i dunno... i kinda am just in one of thos emoods'anyways if i dont blog for a while its only cus ive been too tired from work and from life... not cus i killed myself ok?

see you all around...