All i want for christmas...is you.

Christmas approaches. i'm still deeply, wholeheartedly in love with allen. wishing we three, me emily n allen , could work thisng out and be poly together again.... still love him every bit as much as emily and wsh o could spend my life with her and him as a poly unit...
anyways all i want for christmas....is to be able to be poly with emily and allen and so date allen again. i know pathetic.... sorry to al those who wish i'd move on...
least the freindship is mending.... back to spending time with emily and allan and family on some weekends...
did i mention how much i dont liek christmas....
On three separate occasions this weekend Emily&allens 10yr old daughter asked me , with emily being right there, "you ccleebrateing christas with us?"
everytime i just changed the subject...
i do not have it in me o say no to their sweet sweet lile darling girls puppy dog eyes...
shes autistic. she come to expect me fro christmas...
emily doesnt say anything...
i feel its not my place to tell your kid i'm not gonna be aroufd this
year like i have been fer the last 3 yrs....
not my place
and i dont ahve the heart. it breaks my heart to just think of it.
original plan fer holidays was to go to the theatres for the day and find some hotewl that had a restaurant open fer dinner.
My freind out west foudn out an asked her mom to invite me to theie place. her mom lives inthe same city.
i'll go ...but really i will still be alone. i dont knwo her mom, dont knwo her family. it willl be liek i am alone anyways. but at least this way i dont pay for turkey dinner. LOL.
my house, isnt decorated.
i'm tryign to get liek super exited for charistmas by gettign gifts ready and shopping and helping freinds, and going to gift wrapping party...but...still
hate holidays.
itd all about familiy.... and i aint got one.
i had one, with allan and emily and their wee ones.... and i fucked that up. well ok, my therapist would say ALLAN and i fucked that up. lol.
anwyas...i'm tryignt o get thru this fucking holiday season...
i used to love christmas... back when i had a family to send it with. even tho franka nd i had our problems, his family aslways made the holidays bearable. and made me feel liek i belonged...
and thats what home and family eman to me...
a sense of love and belonging....
which right now...i dont have....
happy fuckign christmas.... my ass.
i'll get thru this. they say turkey has the ability to enduce happy hormones... so does excercise.
speaking of which...back to go to excercise. endorphines..good. there sa reason i'm in rpetty good shape, lol. endorphones..gooood sit fer depression. lol.
goodnight ya'all
by the way...as usual sorry for typos..is not cus i cannot spell is cus i type too slow for my mind which is goign a mile a minute and i chiken peck type...so i watch the keyboard and not the hands...
i can type justa s fast if not faster then anybody who types watchignt he screen only problem is the have a lot lkess typos then me...
anyways laters!