Another day......

I'm having a rough week again. And its nobody's fault but my own. Got some demons to fight inside....and they're not easy. I went out this weekend. I have b4 but this time I went out w/ My friend Vivian. i asked her out, for the record. and i would have gone alone had she said no.
She wanted to go to a popular bar known for its shall we say "fun" military guys and "loose" women. No problem, been there b4 and held my own, danced, and went home. figured it'd be the same
not this time.
A complete stranger came up to me on the dance floorjust tolet you know, In one hour i'd already had 1 rev, a bud light, a sling, and a purple haze.... needess to say i was a bit hazy.
I never liked drinking because of my fear that i would loose all control and start wanting to fuck every guy in sight. i was always worried "she" would come out to play. but I started drinking once and a while w/ some of my friends i trusted and kep it cool and nothing bad happened soi figured this night i cld still handle my liquor.
nope. not that night. getting back to the guy...
so complete stranger walks up to me. we're bumping and grinding like the "teeny boppers" do.... and nxt theing i know he's all over me, and me over him. I didnt know his name. Can't remeber his face. I just know he was hot and muscled and he wanted me... he was a military man (being a pure bred brat even drunk i can spot a military man a mile away) i almost went out of the bar and home w/ him. I stopped myself shy of the door. he clued in i wasnt going.... so he led me to the bathroom..... where i finally decided enuff was enuff somwhow slipped away and high tailed it out the bar around the corner and back into the bar to beg vivian to go home (i wasnt walking alone or leaving her alone). she was pissed ( she still wanted to play) but i knew if i stayed the nxt time i wouldnt be able to stop myself...a nd that wld be bad.
I can still feel his kisses on my neck. his hand up my shirt and the other trying to reach down my pants. I can feel his hand leading my hand down.... i feel him all over me and me over him..... and i feel disgusted.
Not very christlike to make out w/a stanger in a bar. unless you base your faith of of the Jesus from Jesus Christ superstar or sumthin....
I have a "hickey" on my neck as a daily reminder of my stupidity. I knew "she" was coming out to play. I keep her under good control. and this time she came out way too much!
I just feel like i lost something in that bar that night. I feel like something was lost and can never be regained.
And i dont feel guilty because of Allen (altho i'm sure it can't have made him happy to know i almost fucked a guy i didnt know from a hole in the ground) but it was all about me. Who i am and how i see myself. I am not that kinda gal. I love myself and care too much to live a lifestyle of one night stands and drunken make out sessions....or so i thought....
and also.... I know God would be so ashamed of my actions. And thats what i have a hardest time dealing w/ everyday since then.
Nobody understands that. It's between me and God.
like i said, i am a christian. I beleive my faith is something that is not contained by 4 walls or a religion. It is a relationship w/ God. It is living in love (or trying to) i donlt judge others. I may not agree w/ their life choices, but i love them anyways. I do my best to understand ppl cus no offense i have no right to judge... only God can . I suppose thts why i dont feel hypocritical about being chrisitan and polyamourous.... because i dont judge others for their lifes and i love my God.
anyways lately my faith has waivered, cus of the whole divirce thing...and welll.... after this wknd it's taken a blow like never b4. I'm sorry but God wld not be going into a bar and make out w/a stranger.
I keep beating myself up. And I know God has forgiven me already. I know all i need to do is ask for hid forgiveness and its done. But i can't. I feel too unworthy. I feel like garbage.
I feel like after saturday night i am going down a road that i may not come back from. and i risk it all. I risk my health, i risk any chance of a relationship w/ allan or any otner guy for that matter, i risk my faith, i risk my sanity and well being..... and i'm scared. I'm terrified. I dont know if i can hold her back anylonger. I have to finally turn around and face her. she was always there... b4 i became christian (7 yrs ago) whenever she did come out to play at least i knew the guys name, i'd spent a few sober hours w/ the guy, and i never had full blown sex. petting, fingering, maybe a blow job... but never full blown sex. This stranger, this guy in the bar... i didnt care. He wanted me, i wanted him and i didnt care who he was, what he was doing to me, what we did or where we were going to do it.... not until i saw those bar doors, then i shook myself outta my drunken stuper and clued into the fact that i was doing sumthing real stupid.
I just, I'm having a real ruff time dealing w/ this side of me.
Emily understands, she was int ehat lifestyle of one night stands and sex w/out love.... allen tried to understand like the good friend i kno and love him for, and vivian well she can't understand why i didnt "pick up"....
I have nobody to turn to now. I have to face this on my own..... b4 it consumes me.
I've never felt so scared, alone, or ashamed... never....


oh and did i mention I'm on my period. yeah so on top of all this i have nausea, cramps, diarrhea, and fatigue.... no bitchiness tho. Have kept her in check.... but as for all the rest.....just great. actually i am staying home sick now. decided runninf to and fro from the bathroom and crying at the drop of a penny arent good things to do at work today....especially when i deal w/ angry ppl yelling at me all day...
"i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job."
if i say it enuff maybe i'll beleive it...
and "I love myself.i am not garbage.I love myself.i am not garbage. I love myself.i am not garbage. I love myself.i am not garbage. I love myself.i am not garbage. I love myself.i am not garbage. I love myself.i am not garbage."
gonna be a long week i think......