today..yesterday... this past week!

Well, i havent had musch time online to blog.. perhaps that is why i have been so scatterbrained latlely? As if worrying about my fater wasn't enuff, no i have taken my sanity into question. alright, perhaps a tad bit melodramatic but still , what else am i supposed to think? I showed up 2 hrs early for work one day, another day i called in late when iw as actually 45 min early, still another day i thought it was Tuesday when it was monday, i have started biking towards my meetings only to stop mid road and wonder "where am i going again?", i have loct my train of thought mid sentence, and actually forgot when i was due in the church nursury (which i never do)..... WTF? I suppose i culd say my mind has been on things... like my father and my polyamourous relationship....
Still terrified Dad's gonna take a fucking heart attack! He is living w/ his thing of a woman wife (ie step mom) until she finds her own place. they're thru ( i am doin my best not to say it.... i'm trying... really am.... oh crap here it comes.....THANK GOD SHE'LL BE GONE SOON! I don;t want either of them to suffer, but i really have never liked that woman. I'm sorry but beating my ass w/a plastic spoon and grounding me outdoors in mid winnter tend to leave scars and make one sumehat dislike said person involed in the punishment)
but dad, i have been there... and its not easy. he says he's too old, and will be so alone... still... she's the source of his stress and she's under the same roof! I still get worked up when i think about her. she's literally killing my dad. I hope he takes his meds and starts taking care of himself. i have my lil brother to keep an eye on him thankfully... but still.... why do i have the feeling like he's slipping away, like he's givng up. i know he is not suicidal, he's too smart and strong for that... but still.... i worry. I just started to get to know my father again.... I pray eveynight that god doesnt take him away from me... not yet.
and am trying to relax around emily..... man, she intimidates me, and scares me too! when she's uncomfortable i get all ansey because i expect her to just say "allright, you're thru. i can't handle this, so go away and leave allen."
I knwo she has jelousy issues. I know. and i am trying to be understanding but its so fucking frustrating when its ok for her to cuddle him or stay up w/ him or ya know flirt or flaunt w/ him when i am in the same room ( and i really dont mind that at all....no jelousy... really.i am comfortable, i am polyamourous) but what really gets me going is that i feel like she is so senitive that i cant even cuddle w/ him when she's around and that Sumtimes i feel like she tries to stay up late because she is scared we'll fall asleep on the couch togehter or because she's jelous of our time togehter ( which is pretty much only after she goes to bed) or that she doent trust us not to have sex under the same roof. do you know how frustrating it is to be hornier then hell and emotionally attracted to a man and not be able to do fuck all?! I feel like she is so scraed of losing allen and i feel like she is so insecure in all this and it scares me. i am walking on eggshells and i feel like i have to get the hell outta dodge soon because if i don;t she's gonna shoot me! Thats why i have to get a place asap, i have an apt lined up hopefully funds pull thru.... and even if they dont i have to go soon . stilll....i am not lookign forward to moving out... at least here i see allen, when i get my own place i will see allen even less. God...I have become "emotionally invested" in this relationship..... i care so much for allen. I hope that maybe just maybe we (emily,allen, and i)wld i dunno... blend eventully? even if that was yrs away, i hope it. I mean, i welll... fuck can i say it now? i think i....i think i....well i dont think, i know it... i'm falling in love with allen. there i said it... i just can't say it to him... he'd probably freak and get scared off.....
man, its just that i just dont wanna be hurt. i know she'd NEVER do it intentionally....but i worry that she'll tell us to call it quits and then i'm left in the centre by myself and w/ my heart broken because the man i cared for was taken away. I am happy as long as she's happy... but i can''t handle her jelousy. its driving me insane! the other night we came home late and were quiet downstairs. she made the rule it was ok for us to make love, just not while she was home or uder same roof. we asked her if we cld go ona date and so we'd gone out for few hours and eventually found a spot and made love. It was magical. and it was midnight when we came home. we were as quiet as cld be. iwatched tv and allen was by the computer fixing his glasses.... we were doing nothing but whispering so as not to wake emily and well emily actually was still awake (she was so worked up she clouldnt sleep) when we got hoem so anyways about 20 min after getting home she came downstairs and glared at me and said "you're being too quiet" to me (perfect timing, allen had just gone into the bathroom) so i joked abut it , but it still hurt. i mean was she worried we fell asleep (not w/ that glare she gave....) no she was jelous of us being alone togehter and probaby thought we were fooling around! she basically accused me and allen of having sex or sumthing.... it was all in the voice and the glare. i feel like i can't win or lose w/ her! like i try to do right and it's wrong! like i try to be sensitive but she in turn is not giving ground or in turn being sensitive and if anything she's taking i step forward and 10 steps back!
then theres church! the ex (aka putz) met me at the doors sunday...awkward. then theres the rumour mill that has started because of the divorce. ya know, I think of myself as a born again christian . thankfully i am not judgmental... if i were, would i consider polyamoury? :) I know my faith is not dependant upon 4 walls but rather a relationship w/ jesus. so if i get kicked outta church because of my relationships, so be it. Jesus is not defined or confined to a particular denomination. anyways, there are rotten apples in any bunch, and the rotten aples are the gossip gals.... they make church life for me so awkward. that and i feel like some ppl thinking have a plagues, "she's divorced" and just dunno what to say or do around me. and sum seem to keep insisting that me and my ex may yet save our marriage... ummmm, no. even if he overcomes the weed, stops liking 14 yr olds (yeah, sick...), and actually genuinly changes the way he treats women... still no chance.... i left him twice, not gonna go back again.... what a jerk!
agh, i'll be glad when thsi stiuff all calms down! I can only handle my scatterbrainedness so much!