con'td from last blog.....

well, not so much in a sad mood now. still feelin it tho. Its damn annoying all this! hmmmmm.... this wknd will be nice tho, and hard too. Allen, emily and family are going away for the night. I've said i'll have fun. i really will. i miss having time alone.... gonna take a bath, relax, watch movies till i fall alseep on the couch....
but the loneliness, she does creep in. I am getting the itch to start dating now, not sure tho. I kinda wanted to see where things went w/ allen, make sure we were on firm ground so to speak and also have my own place. as if i did start seeing sumbody i couldnt bring them here.... a) i am living in their basement and am not in a room, but a cornered off area separated by my dressers and blue cutains. and b)allen wld be right upstairs. breaking my rule. not while the other person is around. unless in a blended family. which i'm not.
so even tho allen and emily have said it was ok (we joked about it a few times) i coulndt. and i would be in the same boat now....with sumbody but not. i suppose i cld stay at that persons place, but that wld not be for sum time (gotta know and make sure s'all good) and so again, together but alone.
don't get me wrong, this is the one part that is getting me down. thr lack of time together and the feeling of not quite hiding but, well.... yeah the feeling for the need to hide. Theres tons of good tho! not gonna get off this train yet folks. I really hope this all works and we do end up as long term and maybe as a "family unit"....we three seem to be getting along just fine. and things w/ allen and i seem to be falling in place. I am comfortable w/ this polyamoury all except for the mentioned up above. (and below technically, the last post that is :)
eventually i want a family unit. a blended family. now that is a goal for polyamoury. so even if things dont work for long term between allen and i, i still have that same goal for polyamoury.
I am kinda freaked tho that i have these strong feeling so soon tho. but hey, half the battle for me is building the friendship and intimacy (emotionally) and since allen and i have been friends for so long.... its there already. but i am holding back. i dont want to scare him off, freak him out.
but they're there. and i can't deny that atho i have and always will have no regrets if things dont work....i know i'd still be heartbroken. as i really have fallen. he kept his word. a long while ago when i was just separated he said "if i ever decided to romance you,you'd never know what hit you" or "i'd sweep yo off you feet" or sumthing to that effect, and he has. i've fallen into his arms and i like it. a lot. it all just seems so right. this polyamoury, sharing, being connected mind body and soul.... feels so right. just wish i had more time and could be more free!
friendship first tho. he promised, if things go down hill... friendship first. and allen always does his best to keep promises.
fuck, man. i'm tired now. fell asleep for a while and woke up froma dream now ready to go back to bed i think.
speaking of dreams , had a cpl weird ones lately. gotta think them thru.

in one i'm on my couch with allen. then allens gone and thres this brown thing with a long nose...some kinda monster i supose, floating over me and it swoops down and starts pushing down on my chest. pushing and pushing till i can't breath....
then i wake up.

in the other allens family and my friends find out we're polyamourous and start freaking on me, not allen. not emily. on me. and eventually i'm surrounded an they're all yelling and hitting me and beating me to a pulp. and i'm screaming "let me speak" "stop" "wait" and i wake up.
have feeling they have to do w/ how i'm feeling now. that much is obvious. but what the hell does brown floating monster represent? and as for me yelling "let me speak" do i feel like i can't speak my mind about all this. I suppose i do. cus other then this blog, i havve 5 true friends. 2 are emily and allen, then there ruth, josephine, and mary. ruth i told i'm polyamouroous...just not with who (yet. as she would tear him apart. no really. she freaked when she heard i was polyamourous...) her reply was "sounds like an excuse to have sex w/ lotsa ppl at once" to which i replied "thats swinging. i said i was poly amourous. multiple loves/relationships. not multiple sex w/ no emotional attachments" still, she did not take it well and since she has been monitoring my roommates thru a magnifying glass (so imagine if she found out i was dating one....agh!) so we three decided to let her meet allen and emily as friends then after time tell her. ruth is a good friend, but pushy and too nosy sumtimes. way to nosy. she actually asked how much they make! my roomates salary....wtf? if she knew we were dating, then maybe that wld be ok, but no actually its not so hey! non of her business! so i told her to back off, none her business.
as for my other 2 friends..... ones in a completely different timezone and several days drive away. and mary, well... mary didnt even like the idea of me dating yet."you're still married." and she has a point. i mean allen knows my marriage has been over for like 2 yrs now unofficially and that i am over my ex and have officially separated am waiting for the divorce papers (several mths away). he knows the deal. but a new guy, may not understand. and still see me as married,. a legality. a technicality. that i wish would soon be over....
so i am left with no one to whom i can voice my concerns w/ except via this blog and emily and allen. they have ppl they can talk to... i'll make do w/my blog i suppose....
fuck! wish i could cuddle right now. even with my ex i slept alone. but at least our relationship was done for. allen is upstairs and i want to be wth him. I have no jelousy, no envy. actyually i am quite sensitive to emily always thinking of her firt, she comes first. if their relationship is tong then the polyamoury has a chance. if their relationship begins to suffer, its over thats that, she comes first. i know that. allen promised her that a long time ago when they first started and i am only too happy to oblige. emily and allens relationship have #1 priority in this little polyamourous ring circle, triangle...whatever!~ :) i
i just want more time with him is all. i get him for an hour or 2 a night, if that. and occasionally an hour in the mornings....
not nuff time.
i'll mention that to him. maybe we cls have a night alone every cpl wks. maybe nxt wknd we cld go out on night.... for a drive. a walk. just us. still wld have to be back by certain time b4 kids woke up.... but still if i set the alarm....
I love this feeling of wanting and waiting and feeling all mushy and goooey when i think about allen. and the strong feelings. the comfortableness of all this. the rightness.