thought for today......

Well, trying my best to stay afloat. Trying not to slip into myself and cut everybody off like i usually do. Feel people getting close and i am feeling the itch more then ever to push them all away and just fade into myself again. Theres some comfort in being alone. no chance for hurt. no pain. just you and yourself.
but i can't do that.
not again.
But the temptation is always there, because no matter how hard i fight it the fear of abandonment is always there. especially when i'm on new territory. it was easy to be alone.... this, all this is not easy. I'm so afraid i'll screw up, like i always do. i'm afraid to fail. i'm afraid to be hurt. and i'm just plain afraid.
at least i am today.
this feeling comes and goes. lately it's been a dull ache. something in the back of my mind and heart creeping around. as much as i feel like i belong, and as safe as i feel i am, that feeling creeps in. tells me to run away now while i still can. distance myself b4 i'm hurt.
Fighting this feeling is so hard on nights like tonight. actually its there most nights, when i'm alone in bed, or waking up to an alarm clock and a cat curled up by my side where a lover should be.
loneliness is sometimes the strongest when your with somebody. not sure what all this is, too soon to tell. least i know where i want it to go.... and all i can go is go with the flow and hope is goes where i want. the future is unknown. all i know is how i feel when i'm around him.... alive, free, like myself, open, comfortable, loved, strong, weak, safe, welcomed, wanted... connected. and i desperatly want more. i wish i could hold him and not have to worry are the kids near. i want to fall asleep on the couch cuddling and know that everything ok, i wont have to get up and leave b4 a certain time. I have really enjoyed our bus rides. when he woud put his arm around me as we rode to work together.... that was so nice.