But time, new love, and Jesus heal all wounds

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Happy Birthdfay to me


Today Is my birthday.... and its a changed day from how it used to be.
I've never been one for changes. Change has always been hard... My life has always been unstable, change has sumtimes borught good but for the most part change meant i was losing some stability in my life. Parents divorced at a very young age, 5 or 6, i had just gotten used to life w/ dad and my sis then along came my sterotypical stepmom. at 8 i had to move away from the home i loved because my dad was posted with the military. at 9 i moved back, at 11 i was sent away to live with my mom... apparently i was too much for my steroetypical mom to handle. at 12 my moms boyfriend who i'd known since she left m,y dad for him... left my mom for his best friends wife. then along came my moms boyfriend and later husband.... i had a happy 5 yrs until i met frank and i was kicked out of the house.... i then found out about my heart condition and that meant more changes and restirctions...
so you see... stability is very important to me... change is always sumthing i know is a nessesity, and i dont hate it... but its hard.... so this year celebrating my birthday....its hard too. I got used to these last 7 yrs of going to my in laws being surounded by my inlaws, i even grew to like that stupid happy birthday bouncy smiley face thingy that my sister in law turned on every year! but its the last holiday that i have to experience a major change.... after this i will have had new traditions and new ways to celebrate my holidays....
still. I'm torn by memories.... and altho i try to be happy, to accept that change... my heart is heavy today. Its full of love, hate, and tears.... I remember the happy times, too bad those happy times were out weighted by the unhappy ones. Too bad He didnt work to make us work. I've moved on, but i still will cry.... this will be my last holiday i cry tho....i hope.
change, is unavaoidable. I deal.

Wen Lan.:Happy Birthday to me
video:
english translated Lyrics
I know that sorrow can't change anything
Then let me be more honest
Honest, yet it was unavoidable to have an uncontrollable vent.
What I can do is to close the door and not to take notice of anybody
Sitting in the empty room alone
Let the cellphone rest for a night
So hard, want to cut off the pictures of the memories
No tears should be shed after twelve o'clock
Happy birthday
I say to myself
The candle is lighted
The aloneness is brightened
Happy birthday
Tears have melted
I want to thank you for everything you given me and taken away from me
Still love you, with a little bit hate
I need some time
To balance
The scar of love
The disillusionment and the revival
I wish myself happy birthday

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

What A dream


Ok so not everyone knows this but i tend to have nightmares, a lot. I mean, most people will just tell em thata dream is justa dream and scoff at my being bothered. but the truth is, when u wake up in sweats and a scream has stared to escape your mouth, your heart racing.... Its kinda hard to forget....
This latest nightmare (recurring al night i might add) happend last night.
I was in my old apartment. And i was there with frank. he was wearing that dark gray sweater i always liked on him and a pair of dark blue jeans. his hair was short and he had his goatee all nice and kept. all in all he looked nice. we were living together like the old days and most of the dream was just wacked dream stuff. Next door Monica and her 2 kids were there, I was ciciting them... it wa seriously like the old days minus the fights and such. then the dream takes a weird twist. I'm in the livingroom. I am suddenly beside frank, and i look down and i see his legs and his pant. and his penis is so erect its bulging in his pants. only, i know that lap, and those jeans an theya re not franks, they're allans. but its franks body. next thing i know he's wanting to Fuck me. I say yes and i am niot sure who does what but suddenly he's behind me and i am naked and he's started and i look out the window and its a beautiful green summer park. all sorts of greenery and sunlight and theres a bench right smack dab in the middle. on the bench sits allan all alone. he wears his cap, and matching work jacket, and he's crying, and this si where the nightmare starts. as frank fucks me from behind i'm trying to pull away and i'm fighting frank and twisting and pulling and screaming out to stop and i'm trying with all i can to go to allan. and i'm yelling out no stop! and pulling but frank is just laughing and fucking me, raping me from behind. and i'm hurting and i'm being held back and forced to stay with frank by franks hands and i want to leave i want to go toa lln. and allan is on the bench, just crying and then he gets up and leaves... and i'm reaching out for him and frank is holding onto my arms and puloing me back all awhile fucking me raping me from behind....
and i wake up in a cold sweat my hearts pounding the scream starting to come out of my mouth....
there were many dreams/nightmares that night, i woke up many times in fear. this was the only nightmare i rermebered. and the feeling of terror of frank holding me and raping me and the pain i felt even in my dream from the look of sheer pain on allans face.... still bothers me...
wtf?
i dunno......i dream up som weird shit sumtimes!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Todays theme songs


FEIST: MY MOON MY MAN
VIDEO:
LYRICS:
My moon, my man's a changeable land
Such a loveable land to me
My care, my co-lead barber I know
There's nowhere to go but on

How honestly my beggar should be
The song's out of key again
My fools, my things
We're digging the things
If the candlelit page again

Take it slow
Take it easy on me
Shed some light
Shed some light on things
Take it slow
Take it easy on me
Shed some light
Shed some light on things

My moon and me
Not skirty swift bean
It's the dirtiest clean I know
My care, my co-lead barber I know
There's nowhere to go
There's nowhere to go

Take it slow
Take it easy on me
Shed some light
Shed some light on things
Take it slow
Take it easy on me
Shed some light
Shed some light on it please

My moon
The moon my man
My moon
The moon my man...

FEIST: PAST IN PRESENT
VIDEO:
LYRICS:
The scarlet letter isn't black
Gotta know who's got your back
Because they're right in front of you
Because they're telling you the truth

So much present inside my present
Inside my present so...so much past
Inside my present inside my past
Inside my present
So, so

Feeling it from dark to bright
When a wrong becomes a right
When a mountain fills with light
It's a volcano, it's a volcano
It's a volcano, it's a volcano

So much present, inside my present
Inside my present
So, so much past

Inside my present, inside my present
Inside my present
So, so much past

Inside my present
Inside my present...
So, so much past

WITHEN TEMPTATION: PALE
VIDEO:
LYRICS:

The world seems not the same,
Though I know nothing has changed.
It's all my state of mind,
I can't leave it all behind.
Have to stand up to be stronger.

Have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can't say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.

I know, should realize
Time is precious, it is worthwhile.
Despite how I feel inside,
Have to trust it'll be all right.
Have to stand up to be stronger.

I have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can't say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be all right.

Oh, this night is too long.
Have no strength to go on.
No more pain, I'm floating away.
Through the mist see the face
Of an angel, who calls my name.
I remember you're the reason I have to stay.

Have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can't say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.



Monday, April 7, 2008

Tombstones and questions


"i'm afaraid he wont remeber me." Her words full of fear and her eyes were full of tears as vivian, one of my oldest and dearest friends spoke. Viv and i have had our differences. she's bi, ex-anglicain, and a bit of a party gal who likes the attention from guys.... but she's also a fun loving sweety who loves who she loves and hates who she hates. she's an open book of sorts. I've been trying to hang out with her more often, because even i am getting that feeling...
that she's not goin gto be around much longer.
I got that feeling w/ Mae. for about two years I felt the death on her.... sensed it. Knew it was there, stalking her. I feel it w/ Vivian too.
I dont tell anybody I agree. I didnt w/ Mae either. Just kept saying, she'll be around for years. She'll get better.
I do the same w/ Vivian.
Just ask allan, he'll tell you that whenever he's mentioned it I've brushed it off. I have never admited to anyone that I knwo she's dying. I see it everyday wheni look at her. and it terrifies me.
So I spend as much time as i can with her.
Vivian was diagnosed w/ Juvinile dibetes when she was 11. spent most of her time in hospitals until her sugars were finally controllable via insulin...or so we thought. I never thpught of diebetes as a deadle disease.... i always saw it as nuisance. No sugar. I mean, Dad has a mild version of type 2, Mae had type 2, and a lot of other ppl. It wasnt until I saw Frank's half uncle slowly die fron diebetes that i realised... it could be deadly.
It is for Vivian too.
She knows it. She says she was not supposed to live past 19. I didnt know that until this year...I knew she was sick, I knew it was bad.... but i didnt know how bad. i always wondered why she was so wild. Viv had 3 babies, 2 miscarried. Gabriel was the one who survived. Trust me, he brought glad tidings :) He wa sa miracle, She was nevcer supposed to have kids w/ he diebetess and blood condition... he was born premarturly. they were sure he'd die. He was ecpected in july aug... he was born in april. He'll be 4 this year. Gabriel has autism. So Vivian says, and i beleive her. From being around kids, I place his speech capabilities that of a 2 yrs old. His social skills , well hes extroverted, ina way. hes ver personalble when u get to know him, set in his ways.... Vivian is scared that when she dies he'll be too young or too developmentally challanged to truly remeber her. Shes scared he'll only remember her as always sick...
I told her my earliest memory was when i was 2 . I told her he's never forget his mum. I told her that he wil be surounded w/ stories and pivtures and memoroies of his mother.
Truth is, w/ him.... u never know.
I dont know either. I wish I did. I dont.
So whats do you say to friend, who nows she dieing? Do You try to lead her back to God? Do u reassure her that she'll Live a Long Life?
I dont know. all i know is the friend I could never have a serious conversation with is suddenly ....serious?
At least she reaching out. Hasnt cut off those closest to her. I ddi that w/ all my non church christian friends.... i'm both glad and scared she hasnt dun the same. she's reachin out...and for Viv..... thats a scary thing.....