church

so, i went ona walk tonight..... went with a friend of allan's who is fast becoming one of my friends. we wnet with 3 other women.. omg talk about estrogen
i cant handle that much estrogen at once
tooommany women
waaaaaaaay too many women
lol
anyways, got to talking to one of them. her name was Michelle. she is a borna again chriostian and her faith was a lot like mine before my divorce. i found myself opening up to her... and admitted i felt liek a hypocrite. i told her that before i was married i beleived in sex only inmarriage. i was a virgin when iw as married and even while i was married beleived sex b4 marriage was wrong.
then i admitted to her about how i am now. that now i am questionsing my faith, because altho i know the bible says it is for man and woman in marriage... i dont beleive that anymore. i mena i dotn think sex shld be thorwn about. i just think that if u are ina loving long term relationhip and are 2 adults it is ok...imeasn this is what i told the girl....
i was a virgin.
saved myself for marriage
got married
gave myself to him
thougt id only love one man
thought i'd die loving that man
thougnt i wpuld only ever have made love to that one man
and the got divorced
now what am i supposed to do, forget about sex? say
"OOOPS! he wasnt the one. and altho u realise u have a helathy sexual appetite until u meet and marry anothe rman.... u cant have sex"
i mean whats the point?
seriosuly?
am i su[pposed to forget all about my sexuality because i got divorced?
i mean i told herr, dont think i eman that every guy i date from now on i shld have sex with...but if i am with a guy fer the long term, and we want to have sex...then ok. long as it is commited relationship and we lovee each other...
but the bible says that is wrong
the church reinforces this
and i find myself saying if i doubt this.... then where do i fit in my faith compared to church? i mean i want tog o to church. but, the church beleives sex b4 marriage is wrong and i think is not wrong
and i knwo it seems like one issue.... but to me.... i know my church i used to go to, and the christian church;s beleif in general thinks i am wrong, thisnks i am sinning. and if i dint hink i am sinning then it is alomost a slap int ehit face cus i dont think it is a sin and they do...
so i dont go to chrch...
what i didnt tell her was that it is also cus of polyamoury...one man, thats all i am supposed to love at one time per the church. that one man is supposed to lvoe only me, per the church
and as u know... i beleive that altho i only love one man ata time...that the man i love s polyamorous and so he does, can, and will love more then one woman at the same time
ands that too... i feel hypocritial about at my church..
ao i stopped going, cklaiming a differnece of opinions and the divorce.... which isnt far from truth....
asnyways...
michelle invited me to ehr church int he morning... so i am going and boy do i feel horrid....i'm scared. least allan is driving me to the church tho. he is supposed to sleep in tommorow morning while wifey gets up w/ kids... instead he is driving me to and from church.... i feel the love.
he actually is the one who asked me why i stopped going to church and has been tryng to encourage me to look into going back....
so he had no quams about driving me to church....

i am blessed.
i still ahte the secrecy of our rleatons ship, i mean i have to go out of town just to go ona an actual real date!
and i am questions my entire faith because of my divorce

but least allan is sweet enuff to hold my hand and try to help me....

well gtg, chow!

porno recorded

recorded the porno onto vhs on thursday , allan rembered to bring the camera so we could transfer the video.
I have seeing myself naked, or in lingeray. i lov eseeing allan naked. i love seeing allan make love to me...
i hate hearing me and i hated seeing me....
i thoug ti look fat and well iwanst turned on it per say.... i was turned on by allan int he video tho...
yunmmy!

yeah we missed a few key angles at certain points but we also got sum really good shots! it was so much fun!

kinda cute cus i thought, sheesh i look fat. and well didnt allan say that about himself...said he looked fat..... we both were so self concious about how we looked but were both telling each other that we looked sexy! lol

my fave part of making the visdeo was trying on the different lingerey.
my fave part of wathcing the video was hearing allan's responses.... he was actually enjoying the video! and not cus he was in it... because WE were in it...

lovely :)

Dreaming of you, crossed dressed?

So, had a dream the other night. I am loving it! and hating the fact I am loving it. I really am past the bitterness of Divorce, and moved onto a healthy ability to look back and joke.

I'm ina mall or somthing.... and along come Frank. He takes me to his home...or I take him to mine. I dunno. all i know is we are together in some house which looks kinda like my parents place i lived in as a teenager and allan's new place.
in the dream, frank is all over me. he is apologetic. he is sweet. he is everything i coudl ever have wanted him to be. I am resisting him. and trust me...it is actually kinda easy because...
he is wearing a womans top. and he has breasts. he is wearing a bright pink floral top, one of the ones that has a v neck, accentuates his small but still there breasts, and has frills, and puffed sleeves... ther is no mistaking...this is a womans shirt. an rather hideous but definately a woman's shirt.
yeah
so frank is doinghis best to get me back... and suddenly there a knock or a ring (i cant remeber) at the door and i answer and it is allan.
handsome, suave,debonaire, masculine, sexy, smiling face, sexy hairy and manly bare chested allan (and trsut me, the man always turns me on when he is bare chested)
i let him in.
now in this dream mine and allan's relationship is still a secret. so allan sees frank and he says hello casually then leads me down stairs, behind a wall, whwre he proceed to begin to "get it on" with me. and of course i am trying to pull away cus we are supposed to be a secret and if frank found out it would no longer be secret.
suddenly frank comes downstairs and i pull away from allan, but frank must see cus he is suddenly very atentive to me. he is again trying to be sweet, apologetic etc. he is trying to get me to kiss him and i keep pulling away and finally he sayd to me
"You are beautiful you are sexy. i want you.I love you"
then... i'm pissed.
i look at him and say
"where was this 2 yrs ago?! 8 yrs ago? hunh?"
he again calls me beautiful... then allan pulls me to him , looks at frank then says " I call her beautiful everyday. and i love her"
he then plants a wonderful kiss on me... and then right there inf ront of frank, we get it on.
we make love
with frank, jaw dropping so low it practically is touching his small breasts which again are accentuated by the hideous floral womans top.


as allan said... in my dream, i totally emasculated frank.

i'm not bitter. But maybe my subconcious is on some kinda emasculate the ex kick ?
lol

like is aid, this dream was lots of fun. i just hope i am not wrong in liking this dream so much. i mean, i aint telling thye whole world about this...ok maybe i ma. but i aint blabbing it around town and making fun of him w/ it...sheesh i am using my annonymous blog to write about it and have only told allan

oh man that dream was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much fun! lol

Zack and Mira make a porno...err i mean Allan and Memake a porno

so, thursday, allan shows up for our usual night together. tells me he's got a surprise for me.
he bought a video camera. and a video tape for recording
lol.
so... we filmed an an amateaur (very) porno. basically us having sex.
it was an odd turn on wathing him chk out the different vantage points the camera cld go, and even more of an odd turn on the two of us picking where what wld go.
i was so very turned on during the lovemaking too! and even when he was stopping to both get me "liquids" to drink and to reposition the camera.... it was even more of a turn on!
roflol

so yeah... we made a porno.
i have the video here. unfortuantly i didnt get the chance to record it ontoa vhd tape.... so its sitting there.... taunting me. begging to be watched
lol

wow... i can;t belive how confident i am sexually... and i cant belive the way i tsut allan. i mean... we;ve had sex in public places...lol the park in town, a meadow behind sum houses, na parking lot in his van...the last one was the best! i miss his van! he has a car now. i mean, even on my honeymoon with frank i didnt make love in the van... it was in the tent. andf then only once.
i was so sick on my honeymoon. man..... my heart conditon was pretty bad. not bad enuff to operate but bad enuff that i spent a lot of my tiem sleeping...poor frank. barely got any on his honeymoon cus of it. spent miost of the honeymoon worrying about me. i mean, the guy wasnt always bad...lol
speking of frank.. alan sugested i send hima copy of the porn to him... just the parts that did show allans face...lol
i laughed... but no.
and i doubt allan wa sserious. tho he mentioend it a cpl times.... i must ask him abotut hat! lol he also mentioned "i know my girl better after one yr then frank did after 8 yrs" lol tru. then again... does anybody really know me?
i am an ever changing woman. lol
anyways.. is till cant beleive i did that... i made a dirty video.. i made aprno...lol.
i hate prn... but i suppose if its pictures for ur loved one... and not for the masses...i suppose if its video for ur loved one and not for the masses... i like that side of porn. but i hate porn otherwise! lol
i know allan likes porn. but he has aheatlthy sexual appiitie... now if he ever did what frank did and start lookign at kids... or even start to look at porn and then not touch me.... then i'd have an issue! lol
but that aint happening now
i tell u, there are times ifeel my age.... i mean my young age. and otehr times i feel lie my uusual mature self...lol making aporno, definatly my young self! lol


so.... yeah....
thats thursday... wonder what this thursday will bring? lol
i knwo one thing, i'll hat sunday.... allan working 7am till 7pm. he took ona new job and does shifts one ina while liek that....anyways... what ithought was incredibley sweet.... get this. before he even accepted the job... he asked emily AND ME what we thought. cus well it cld and wld sumtimes interupt out time together if a shift fel on our night together.... not often but once in a while.... i was impressed he thgt to ask me.... makes me feel like he actually thinks of me in his life, and not as a second life.
one step int eh right direction....
now if we cld just do sumthing other then stay inside amnd make love i'd be happy. notnthat i am compaining, i lvoe getting laid twice a week every week! thats fucking amazing! lol. but, it is the fact i dont want it to just be about sex.... oh but thats the cute part...lol. allan one night said the same thing... i mentioned i was happy we were staying in but i was getting cabin fever. and he piped up and said "yeah, i dont want u to think its all justab out the sex...cus it is not" lol we both laughed at that and admitted that it was weet we both thought the same thing, that we both wanted more then just sex. altho we both agreed the sex is amaxing and we are "good for each other' int hat aspect...lol
i must admit...it is wonderful turnign aman on like that. justa kiss on the lips and he's on fire! lol. it is so very empowering to hear him want me...
oh man, one night recently he BEGGED me for a blow job. "please" he whispered.... i was so pleased to oblige. i mean i knwo guys like blow jobs, but to hear a man beg you for one.... wow! not to compare, but frank used to beg me to give hima blow job too. but he nvr cleaned himself very well, showers were well... not a daily routine. so i didnt like giving hima blow job unless it was after a shower. when he used to beg me he'd then take my head and push me, forcing me down to give him one.... i would say no and he;'d still try.....
allan... well he justa asks... well begs... and thats it. sumtimes he even says "u dont have to do that u know. dont feel liek u have to...but if u want to, i wont complain" i mean..he nvr forces me.
only once have we had a misundertsanding int he bed. that was when i said no to sex w/out a condom, and he got me worked up and dewspite my saying no a few times... nxt thing i knew...he was inside.....
he has nvr made that mistake ever again! he apologised left right anhd centree..... he made up for it royally. even went so far as to wait until i came to him for sex.... of course... i wasn tlong, i mean... he makes love wonderfully! lol

anyways... thats enuff for now...
damn i wish i had that camera! i want to make a video so i can watch my porno w/ allan!

and trsu me i knwo i know about sex w/out a condom..... i wont go there. i love sex, but condoms are a must. but once u r in a commited relationship.... and ur partner is not having sex w/ anyone lese (liek say ur husband, or common law) imean, then...ok. but non one on one relationshipss...no. condoms, must. i mean, i wore condoms w/ frank eery time. one as a contraceptive, 2 hygene - the guy was dirty, 3 inthe end i didnt trust he wasnt having it w/ sumbody else.....