church

so, i went ona walk tonight..... went with a friend of allan's who is fast becoming one of my friends. we wnet with 3 other women.. omg talk about estrogen
i cant handle that much estrogen at once
tooommany women
waaaaaaaay too many women
lol
anyways, got to talking to one of them. her name was Michelle. she is a borna again chriostian and her faith was a lot like mine before my divorce. i found myself opening up to her... and admitted i felt liek a hypocrite. i told her that before i was married i beleived in sex only inmarriage. i was a virgin when iw as married and even while i was married beleived sex b4 marriage was wrong.
then i admitted to her about how i am now. that now i am questionsing my faith, because altho i know the bible says it is for man and woman in marriage... i dont beleive that anymore. i mena i dotn think sex shld be thorwn about. i just think that if u are ina loving long term relationhip and are 2 adults it is ok...imeasn this is what i told the girl....
i was a virgin.
saved myself for marriage
got married
gave myself to him
thougt id only love one man
thought i'd die loving that man
thougnt i wpuld only ever have made love to that one man
and the got divorced
now what am i supposed to do, forget about sex? say
"OOOPS! he wasnt the one. and altho u realise u have a helathy sexual appetite until u meet and marry anothe rman.... u cant have sex"
i mean whats the point?
seriosuly?
am i su[pposed to forget all about my sexuality because i got divorced?
i mean i told herr, dont think i eman that every guy i date from now on i shld have sex with...but if i am with a guy fer the long term, and we want to have sex...then ok. long as it is commited relationship and we lovee each other...
but the bible says that is wrong
the church reinforces this
and i find myself saying if i doubt this.... then where do i fit in my faith compared to church? i mean i want tog o to church. but, the church beleives sex b4 marriage is wrong and i think is not wrong
and i knwo it seems like one issue.... but to me.... i know my church i used to go to, and the christian church;s beleif in general thinks i am wrong, thisnks i am sinning. and if i dint hink i am sinning then it is alomost a slap int ehit face cus i dont think it is a sin and they do...
so i dont go to chrch...
what i didnt tell her was that it is also cus of polyamoury...one man, thats all i am supposed to love at one time per the church. that one man is supposed to lvoe only me, per the church
and as u know... i beleive that altho i only love one man ata time...that the man i love s polyamorous and so he does, can, and will love more then one woman at the same time
ands that too... i feel hypocritial about at my church..
ao i stopped going, cklaiming a differnece of opinions and the divorce.... which isnt far from truth....
asnyways...
michelle invited me to ehr church int he morning... so i am going and boy do i feel horrid....i'm scared. least allan is driving me to the church tho. he is supposed to sleep in tommorow morning while wifey gets up w/ kids... instead he is driving me to and from church.... i feel the love.
he actually is the one who asked me why i stopped going to church and has been tryng to encourage me to look into going back....
so he had no quams about driving me to church....

i am blessed.
i still ahte the secrecy of our rleatons ship, i mean i have to go out of town just to go ona an actual real date!
and i am questions my entire faith because of my divorce

but least allan is sweet enuff to hold my hand and try to help me....

well gtg, chow!