sex. sex.sex. fucking fucked up sex

had sex with allan again, thursday night..... i cant keep doing this.....if i want to keep my sanity, and my heart....i cant keep doing this. cus i dont just have sex witha guy. ok. i was a virgin when i got married.i mean that doesnt mean i didnt fool around, and every one of my boyfriends loves my blowjobs i gave them, but that besides the point... full blown sexual intercourse was not sumthing i had done until, i got married. foold around, never did the whole deed. so guess what, that makes allan only the second man i've ever had sex with....
for me sex is about more then sex...
otherwise, i'dve had it a long time ago and not held out till marriage....
and the only reason i am having sex with allan now is cus ..
i still love him
the is tearing me up....
i mean i know he can have sex and not think twice. hell he even said outta his selfishness to keep me in his life any way possible he even asked about the whole Friends with benefits. that kinda pissed me off, this he told me why, and thats when i went ok, he's just hurtin too and just wants me in his life any which way ....
but i told him no. said we are not dating. no sex. we need to try our damndest not to have sex. we will always be more then frinds, cus i love him, but we are not lovers....no sex.
i want to just stop this....no sex with allan.
i justw anna scream out at the top of my lungs "allan, if u want to watch me break if u want TO SEE ME TOTALLY BREAK...THEN LET US CONTINUE..."
otherwise, we need to stop....
i cant keep doing this....
i can do friends with benefits, but that doesnt mean i want to....
i mean i told allan that yes, like him i have a selfish side that says, anything is better then nuttin and lets do it, i do, and he said he knew i "had it in me"..... but i told him i didnt want to. and really what i wanted to say was, yeah i have it in me but that doesnt mean it is a side to me i want to indulge...

dammit...i need to stop loving you, and stop having sex with you.... sure this is only the second time we've slipped up....but cant do this again...

i havent slept well since it happened.....
when i woke up the next morning, i was so ashamed of myself..... i felt like garbage...... cus i value myself and respect myself too much to have sex outside a full loving relationship... and Allan and i are thru, so sex with allan, despite my feelings towards him (cus i still love him with all of my heart) it is still outside a relationship.... and i dont regret it, cus i love him..but i am ashamed of myself for doing it.....cus yes i love him so it was sumthing i dont regret but it wasnt sumthing that i should have done if we arent dating....

i doubt anybody Will ever understand me..... i cant have sex for the sake of sex. it goes against my core beliefs, goes against who i am, and it makes me feel so ......ashamed.
i am not the kind of girl who has sex on the fly...... i might let you fool around if i feela strong connection..... and thats a big might...i mean it was a long time b4 frank and i fooled around, weeks actually. and allan was pretty much well, he was .... he wasnt weekes.... ok. i was juust that attracted to him... but we didnt have full blown sex, until i'd developed feelings for him.... and thats how it is with any guy i meeet. i'm not holding out till marriage, cus dunno if i ever will get amrried. but i am holding out for liove..... i'm ok with sex outside marriage now. but it has to be done in love.... not lust....
does that make any sense?
i dont regret sex with allan, cus i love him. but we arent in relationship so i am ashamed of myself cus i feel like by havign sex outside a full loving relationship is accepting less then what i should be accepting. and not to mention, i dont think allan has told emily, as far as she is concerned allan and i a re separated and arent having sex. grabted its only been twice now, but still.....
i need to stop this, cus i am ashamed of myself for having sex with sumbody i am not dating....despite how i feel, which is a i love him...
i wish these feelings would just go away.
they wont tho. everybody i've talked to, any book i've read, all say it takes time...
meanwhile i feel like well... i am yo-yoing...
i cant yo-yo like this....

sumbody, make this all stop....please.....

on the plus side, not getting involved with anybody fer a while....focus on me. and i wanna return to school, wont have time fer the fist while.... and i basically want to get over allan. cue this was incredibley painful breakup...... i mean when i left frank, i had already left frank. i was looking for a way out, depite that fact i gave him one last chance to get help and save our marriage...i had prety much wanted to leave him months b4. that was painful. so when i left him and met allan and started dating allan, i'd been over frank for a long time, almost a yr... despite only just moving out a month b4....
but this time, i am not over the man i love. i still love him. i still want to be with him. but i know i cant be with him. not the way i need to be. and i just cant handle the relationship, it is too much. and i want more then he can give me. so i needed to leave. not for anything that he or emily did wrong but for the simple fact, i need more....and i cant have more with them.....

still i wish this wld all just stop....
it is al so nuts and i hurt so much and i am so fucking confused right now....
part of me wants to just drop allan outta my life.... then there woudl be no sex.....bu i know thats sumthign i cant do. cus i still want to be there for him, i still want to be his freind... i still.....
anwyays....

i wish this would all stop.... its too hard on my heart, and on my head....