whiney session

OK,

have you ever watched the last unicorn.... or read the book by peter beagle? that movie describes how i feel lately.....
a lovely unicorn goes on a mission to save the trapped unicorns of the world from the red bull. in order to get close enuff to save them, she is transformed into a human woman. she then meets a handsum prince. falls in love and in doing so gradually forgets she ever was a unicorn or why she was ever there. but she is still a unicorn. deep down. and the red bull knows it. eventually, the red bull chases her down and she is changed back into a unicorn by magic....much to her dismay...
but that is who she is.....altho she loves him...she loves him so very dearly...she is a unicorn... and he is a human... and she cant change herself... to be with him.... it is just wrong...because in doing so, in changing who she is, she will forsake what she really wanted to do in the first place. save the unicorns.
so she eventually saves the other unicorns from the red bull, by being tru to herself the unicorn. see, she could only save the unicorns when she turned back into a unicorn and fought the red bull.
there is a bitter sweet reunion, and and she leaves the prince...
and they both live... broken hearted ever after. because she is unicorn... and he is human... and how could a unicorn ever love a human....
but at least they are themselves....

so heres the question...
which side of me is the unicorn.....
the one that dates allan and is ok with polyamoury and possible never having a full life together under the same roof....
or the one who wants a full life together under the same roof and no more women (except emily)?
cus i knwo who the red bull is.... it is the questioning voice in my head..... it is tyring to seek out the tru me.... but who is the tru me...

oh annnnnnnd....
i'm still fucking allan.
if i werent being so blunt...i'd say iw as still making love with/to allan. 'however..i am trying my damnedest to downplay this and call it fucking..'
cus i am so totally fucked ( in the wrong way) if i am making love with/to Alan... which is what i am doing...
how the hell am i supposed to get over allna...if i dont actually...get over allan...
?????????
i am so pissed a myself...
you wan to know why?
because i was actually getting "comfortable" with how things were with allan and i right now.... that is...there is no allan and i.
there is however meeting up every thursday and sunday ( just like before) to "hang out" and talk, walk, watch movies... be friends.
and also ...
have mad passionate sex.
great.
well the sex is... the breaking my own heart on a regular basis... not so great.
cus it isnt his fault.
seriously it isnt.
i'm a big girl... i know how to say no...
and i know if i dont want t have sex...well i should not start sumthing like i did 2 wks ago.... personally i was just trying to proove a point to myself that it wasnt all just allan's fault....
which it isnt
why am i breaking my own heart over and over you ask...
simply put. yours truly has no distinction between love... and sex. for her... sex is an outward expression of love. i dont have sex with a man (or woman...lol...ok sorry folks...joking...aint never having sex w/ a woman ) that i dont love. i just dont do it... it is the reason i've only ever been with frank... and allan...
so every time i am just casually "forgetting" we have broken up and slip up and have sex...or cuddle with allan...when he leaves...i go thru the breakup the next day... every time.
i mean...i am being completely selfish... i love being with him. i love being in his arms, and i love making love to him....
if i truly loved him tho... i'd stop this and let go. cus as long as i am here... he is going to hurt me WHEN he sees another woman...
i say he wont hurt me..... but trust me.. he will. and it wont be his fault in the least.... cus we arent dating..
and i am not like this cus i need love, or feel lonely...
i am like this for the simple fact... i love allan...
and my stupid heart just doesnt want to let go of another man i love wth all my heart...
my heart, has already felt enuff pain....it doesnt want to feel the pain of losing yet sumody else i love with all my heart....
i know what i need
allan cannot give it to me..
so i need to let go
but i dont want to
cus i love him.. and some part of me hope maybe... we could work this out.... maybe i could be ok with as many women as he wants to be with and maybe i dont need to build a life with him and live under the same roof.... maybe i am just fine with all the compromising and considering emily all the time...
and then i remember.... the unicorn...
you cant change who you are.... you should never change who you are.... even for sumthing as beautiful as....for love.

guess i just figured out which side the unicorn represented......
and when u look at the pic below..... u can see just how loving a unicorn can not work out, if u are human...
theres that heart breaking again...

theme song

allan, says we are freinds. but i dont know if i can ever see him as a friend.... and until i can, i cant date other men. i cant control myself around him. i need to be friends only with allan and then i can see another man. but that hasnt happened yet.
part of me feels like quitting, and begging him to take me back.
then the other part of me speaks and says, bu how happy will you be, settling for less then what i truly want....
and then i think, being alone, would be so much simpler.

Edie Brickell:Circle

lyrics:

Me, I'm a part of your circle of friends
and we notice you don't come around
Me, I think it all depends
on you touching ground with us.
But, I quit. I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else
it seems.
And I quit. I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else
it seems.

And being alone
is the best way to be.
When I'm by myself it's
the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's
the best way to be.
When I'm by myself
nobody else can say goodbye.

Everything is temporary anyway.
When the streets are wet --
the color slip into the sky.
But I don't know why that means you and I are
- that means you and....
I quit -- I give up.
Nothin's good enough for anybody else it seems.
But I quit. I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else it seems.

And being alone
is the best way to be.
When I'm by myself it's
the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's
the best way to be.
When I'm by myself
nobody else can say...

Me, I'm a part of your circle of friends
and we notice you don't come around.

So, I'm still not dating anybody. primarily cus i wanna take time to get over Allan and in getting over Allan get to know Me a lil better.
Just one slight problem.
not over Allan.
still having sex with Allan.
albeit not all the time, it is every other time we meet.
yeah.
i know.
i need a really really good sex toy.
or a new city.
i mean, its gotten so bad, i dont even want to fight it anymore. he comes over and i'm fighting all these urges cus i am still madly deeply passionately in love. i want to hold him, be held. kiss him, be kissed. cuddle him, be cuddled, and make love with him, and fuck him blind.
fucked, fucked fucked up.
and it isn't his fault. i mean sure one weekend i completely blame on him. i was getting ready for bed and he came up behind and helped me take my pants off (yeah, i shlda seen thru it there, i admit it i didnt want to tho....) and he took his fingers and kinda scratched from the small of my back down to the back of my legs as he took my pant off. basically he teased me. knew that drove me wild.
i was so worked up from that, that my lips were quivering while trying to hold back.
and eventually i caved. and we had sex.
again.i have no control around him.
last weekend, my fault. i teased him. and we had sex.

anyways.... i have come to a conclusion....
i need to get over that boy. and fast.
before i hurt him.
and before i hurt me.
again.