i am my mother's daughter after all.... i became the other woman, just like her

I had stayed home from work, hit rock bottom emotionally. worn out. had a nasty cold all last week, and then over the weekend bottomed out emotionally. monday forced myself to work, couldnt do it today. slept thru 3 alarms... i NEVER sleep thru alarms....
I called allan to tell him enuff was enuff. see, he never told emily hima nd i were having sex again. he never said a thing. kept it from ehre. and i enver really bothered to say a damn thing, part of of ignorance, part out of selfishness, part out of stupidity. i stupidly beleived it was sumthign he would tell her on his own time. i stupidly belaived i didnt need to tell her because what went on between allan and i was private, and didnt need to involve her. i stupidly asked allan to please refrain from goign into details with her.... until we had at least figured things out... because throwing her into the equation made it too confusing, and it as bad enuff.... at least, thats what he says i said. i really dont remeber. but why would he lie about that? still. i mean, i can kinda hear me saying that. i just need a week or two to get sum answers for her is all. i mean when she asks if we are datign again, or do i still love him, or what is this now or where is this going... i'd liek to be able to answer her. i can see me saying please refrain from goign into details... but that doesnt eman i didnt want him to keep he and i secret. i mean. tell her the sex part, and leave ou the rest maybe. i just... i'm so very very confused right now...
this sia ll so fucked up. i really dont remmeber askign him to not tell ehr tho... i can see me saying it..but..i dont remember... and even if i did... why woudl he listen..she has a right o know...doesnt she? hell yeah!
anwyays, its my fault. i set up boundaries, and i shuld have stood more firm. but the firmer i stood, the harder it was to keep my ground and eventually i just didnt wanna fight it anylonger.
not allans fault i cant keep my pants on around him.
anwyas, today is aid enuff wa senuff. no more. this is wrong. no mre. told him i felt liekw e werre having an affair on emeily and i also pointed out...
how is this any diiferent from what she did to him last yr having an affair w/ amarried man whose wife didnt know?
THAT GOT HIM TO UNDERSTAND .
anwyays, hes promised he'll leave those boundaries alone....
ffeinds. no sex.
hard to do... very very hard to do...
so in honour of my pure stupisity thwese last 3 mths.... this is allan and mine's theme song...
BAD ROMANCE
LADY GAGA

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance

I want your ugly
I want your disease
I want your everything
As long as it’s free
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love)

I want your drama
The touch of your hand
I want your leather-studded kiss in the sand
I want your love
Love-love-love
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love)

You know that I want you
And you know that I need you
I want it bad, your bad romance

I want your love and
I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
(Oh-oh-oh--oh-oooh!)
I want your love and
All your lovers' revenge
You and me could write a bad romance

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance

I want your horror
I want your design
‘Cause you’re a criminal
As long as your mine
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love-uuhh)

I want your psycho
Your vertigo stick
Want you in my rear window
Baby you're sick
I want your love
Love-love-love
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love)

You know that I want you
('Cause I'm a freak bitch baby!)
And you know that I need you
I want it bad, your bad romance

I want your love and
I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!)
I want your love and
All your lovers' revenge
You and me could write a bad romance

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance

Walk, walk fashion baby
Work it
Move that bitch crazy

Walk, walk fashion baby
Work it
Move that bitch crazy

Walk, walk fashion baby
Work it
Move that bitch crazy

Walk, walk passion! baby
Work it
I'm a freak bitch, baby

I want your love and
I want your revenge
I want your love
I don’t wanna be friends

Je veux ton amour
Et je veux ta revanche
Je veux ton amour
I don’t wanna be friends
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
I don’t wanna be friends
(Caught in a bad romance)
I don’t wanna be friends
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Want your bad romance
(Caught in a bad romance)
Want your bad romance!

I want your love and
I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
I want your love and
All your lovers' revenge
You and me could write a bad romance

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Want your bad romance
(Caught in a bad romance)
Want your bad romance

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Want your bad romance
(Caught in a bad romance)

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance

whats is love

QUESTIONS
what is love?
is it the need to be with sumbody?
to please that sumbody?
the need to hold them,
be with them.
the need to share with them
your dreams and desires?
is it that feeling of belonging
while in their arms?
whats is love,
and how do you know
when you've found it?

MY SONG
she feels so alone
and all the world never seemed so cold
the only ones who made her belong
have all come and gone
she yearns toi be loved
but with a heart so broken,
whom can she trust?

firsat time i didnt lie about allan and me

AN ONLINE FACEBOOK CONVERSATION WITH MY DAD :0)

DAD

was that your b-friend

ME:

when?

and who?

LOL

;-)

DAD:

the day i dropped off the sewin mchn

ME:

LOL, kinda figured u meant that night..

lol

no. he's not my boyfriend

tho, it would be nice if he was.... he's cute ;-)

lol

DAD

2 bad i like him,nice guy

LOL, yeah i'm sure different people would get different ideas. anyways i didnt lie. i broke up with allan july 27th 2009. and all along we've been saying we aren't dating...

so no. he's not my boyfriend LOL he is just sum guy i fuck.... sumhow, i highly doubt that. anyways, i didnt lie to dad about allan fer once. we wont dwell on technicalities of what we are doing these last few mths can be classed as dating or not....

conclusion....

I mist enjoy pain...i must enjoyt hurting myself over and over...
it is the only logical explaintioon as to why i would be doing wha i'v ebeen doing.
which is having sex with allan over and over...
which is not getting over allan
which is getting involved ian relationship onyl we arent callign it a relationship we arte just doing th e exact same fucking thing we did b4 i brokw up altho heaven forbid we call it a realtionship...
and now...wow what do u know... 3 mths later i am exactly wher ei was when i first broke up with allan,,,,
i must enjoy hurting myself.....
it is the only logical expalintion...