IF I APOLIGISED

i love this song.... i have since i first heard it a cpl yrs ago. it is the endtitle song to Mirrormask....
the line "we could be the perfect couple, but only in my mind" that line always stuck a cord with me.... and so did the line "it wouldnt make it all unhappen, wouldnt make to darkness go away"

IF I APOLIGIZED
FR: THE MOVIE MIRRORMASK (END CREDITS)

If I apologised
it wouldn't make it all unhappen
wouldn't make the darkness go away
If I apologised
it wouldn't mean I was forgiven
wouldn't mean you wanted me to stay

But
it's a dream
when you seem
to be walking into the sun
we're on first
unrehearsed
and we still don't know what we've done
so we don't say anything.

If I apologised
I don't suppose you'd even notice
even though I'd whisper it inside
If I apologised
we could be the perfect couple
Well we could, but only in my mind

but
if you ask
for the mask
then we're stumbling on through the dark
But we wait
it's too late
And we only had to be asked
so we don't say anything.

It couldn't hurt to try it
It couldn't hurt too much to try
It's there beyond the quiet
it couldn't hurt too much to fly...

happy shit

ok so 2 posts down from here is the sad Christmas blog entry... followed by one of my weird poetry pieces, and now is the happy entry... cus i need to to that kinda entry once in a while....
Allan and Emily
are amazing friends....
when i told emily my plans for Christmas she asked "how do allan and i and the kids fit into your holiday plans" and invited me over Christmas eve and Christmas morning. when she found out on dec 19th about my father and how upset i was, she asked if i wanted to stay a few days .... which turned into the week... and never said boo about it.
her and the kids went out of their way to make me feel at "home". cleaned up the toy room (best i've seen it since move in a yr ago!) and that was so they had room to put a mattress on the floor so i could have a place to sleep.
Christmas eve i went to church for service alone. not going to talk about that, cus it aint happy and i already blogged it out 2 posts ago.
when ic am back from church, there was Jamaican priced rum and egg nog available. i made my EXTRAORDINARY(LY FATTENING BUT DELICIOUS) CHEESE DIP.... cheese and bacon spice, lemon dilly spice, 3 oinuion spice, cheddar chesse, mozza cheese, parmason cheese, with a cream cheese and mayo base. AND per Emily's request, i found an artichoke dip recipe. artichokes hearts, blended, paramazon cheese, sour cream and mayo base, and made another batch with sum garlic and herbs spice for flavouring.
i have to say, for my first time making any of those dips, they turned out very nicely!
we wrapped our gifts while watching the 1950's version of the christmas carol. all the while emily was tee heeing (too much spiced egg nog? lol. or christmas delights, not sure LOL)
the 1950's version is the best version to watch..... i love it almost as much as Muppet christmas carol.
after wrapping, i went downstairs to sleep....by a warm fire stove!
reminded me so much of my teenage Christmases with my step dad's family back home. Grandmaman's place was heated by a wood fire stove... i loved that smell. thanks to allan's dad for supplying the wood. man, it was so wonderful to fall asleep listening to the fire cracking.
christmas mornign i woke up to allan's alarm goign off... he was the first one awake. i waitewd to hear the kids get up....
nothing.
LOL, forst time i've ever been ina house of kids that didnt get up at the crack of dawn on christmas morning! LOL
8am grand parents show up, i get ressed and kids hop outta bed.
we unwrap stockings ...
AND I HAVE ONE TOO! emily surprised me on dec 23rd by tellign me i also had a stocking :-)
so i made sure on christmas eve to put in my contidbution to the stockings. the kids each got snowballs candy ( kinda like whoppers, but witha hard white candy coating). and as for each us adults... i had travel size alcoholic beverages and liqueur chocolates (santa is an alcoholic?)
allan got me a terry pratchet book (small gods) and emily made sure to stuff it with lindt chocolate (one of my favourites!!)
allan cooked breakfast while we were into our stockings :-)
he made bacon, eggs annnnnd MAMOSAS! ( orange juice, with champagne) YUMMY!!! allan's mom said the bacon was onyl half cooked, little does she know...it was fully cooked, she just likes hers too crispy :-) LOL
after breakfast we unwrapped gifts.
i got Alan a copy of the princess bride novel, Coraline graphic novel, and Coraline movie and a copy of the childrens book "where the wild things are" to read to his girls.
i got Emily the new star trek movie, a few pretty christmas tree ornaments, and a digital photo ornament (about half full of christmas photos i loaded onto it for her)
i got their son a copy of the remade novel version of "where the wild things are"
i got the girls a Pokemon movie, Pokemon cards, and a copy of santa buddies movie.
i got allans dad a little bottle of whiskey and a gift card for a coffee shop he likes.
i got allans mom a stained glass angel ornament. she collects angels.
allan got me the best gift ever.... SHE-RA!! i have been looking for she-ra boxed set for yrs now! he found me season 1 vol1 and season 2 vol 2.... thats all 65 episodes from season 1!!! thats 12 dvds altogether! TEE HEE HEE HEE!!! i think i have my she-ra fix now LOL
emily got me a awesome gift too. THE JIM HENSON FANTASY COLLECTION! has mirrormask, dark crystal, and labyrinth. i've been looking for that set now for 2 yrs, but whenever i found it, i never had the money to get it!
i made off like a bandit
after allthe gifts were unwrapped we went to allan's parents place for more gifts!
allan's mom got me a beaiful necklace and earing set, a cute santa ornament, and a soft throw blanket.
i loved watchignt he kids open all their gifts. allan and emily's son was so funny! he did lil happy dances to his gifts!
after that, we all went off to allan's aunts place for turkey dinner (at 1pm LOL!) OMG that was an amazing diner. the white meat was so moist! there was potato stuffing AND bread stuffing!!! AND THE DESSERTS... cheese cakes, chocolate pie, coconut cream pie, bannan cream pie, lemon pie..... whoah! soooo delicious!!
allan's aunt was so very sweet to let me cone by for dinner! after dinner it was back to allan and emily's place for movie and a nap....EVERYBODY napped LOL.
then at 6pm dad pciked me up and we went to my place. ust dad and me. he left at 730.
at 930 allana nd emily picked me up at 930 and we all went to see SHERLOCK HOLMES !!! that was an awesum movie!! allan and emily disagreed, thought it was ok... i loved it! only thing i didnt like was i wished they would have had more of professor moriarty .
after the nmovie i got dropped off at home...it was 1230am, dec 26th.... christmas was over.
another year, come and gone.....
this year, was made special, thanks to emily, allan, and allan's family.
my own family may not accept me.... but at least i have friends who love me and are there for me, when i need them the most....
here's to hopping that next yea ri am either vacations sumplace cool with dad....or have a boyfriend LOL.
Merry Christmas everybody

my poetry for today and theme song

this was inspired by my feelings today, and by 2 movies...

run run little white rabbit
towards the rabbit hole.
time is running out.
and you are late.
you'll find no wonderland
no place to hide.
only a looking glass
with heaven
unattainable
on the otherside.



oh and i know i've had this song on here a cpl times...but here's today's theme song...
SILENT HILL: I WANT LOVE
VIDEO HERE
LYRICS:
All right, let's do this

One, two, three

I want a cup that overflows with love
Although it's not enough to fill my heart
I want a barrel full of love
Although I know it's not enough to fill my heart

I want a river full of love
But then I know the holes will still remain
I need an ocean full of love
Although I know the holes will still remain

And this Swiss-cheese heart knows
Only kindness can fill its holes
And love can dry my tears
As pain disappears

I need a miracle and not someone's charity now
One drop of love from him
And my heart's in ecstasy
The high that is sending me
Is most likely ending me
I need a miracle and not someone's charity now

Fill up my heart with love
Oh, you'd be amazed at how little I need from him
to feel complete here and now
Stirring within me
are these feelings I can't ignore
I need a miracle and that's what I'm hoping for

I need a miracle and not someone's charity now
One drop of love from him
And my heart's in ecstasy
The high that is sending me
Is most likely ending me
I need a miracle and not someone's charity now
Oh, baby

Anybody's love but his
will never fill this space within me

Now doctor,
give me what I need to free my heart from misery

Christmas without Dad... Dad, wtf?????

I have been down.... but Emily and Allan have been amazing. i've spent the whole week at their place
heres the background... i was planing on going tomy mother's family for xmas. wanted to talk to family in aug-sept about it. found out was being laid off in aug sumthime in november. didnt save for trip, didnt plan it cua i figured it would be hard to get tiem off for christmas ata new job.
found out mid november, i got to keep my job. even tho i still had a job, everybody had made their plans, and well.... i had no money sooo that mean so xmas here. my step dad invited me out to his place. even offered to fly me up from oms to his place...mom cld just pay the taxes.... but stuff rom mom alwasy comes wqith strings, and we dont get along, and besides christmas here would not too bad, cus i have my dad here. for sake of spending time with him this yr (ashe will be overseas next xmas) i decided to bear my step mom (u know that story) if i could not find a flight to moms and a place to stay with sum other family then i would stay here for the holidays and see if my dad would get my grandmother( his mom) for xmas day (like last yr)
so even tho i had an offer to see my step dad, i had no way to get up to him...cus he said he'd fly me from moms to his palce.... i had no way up to mom's place... so hey, xmas with dad sounded better and better, especially since he was travellign away and wldnt be here nxt xmas....
found out dad is still fighting with grams. no talking to her at all. and he didnt want to see or talk or visit or anything WITH HER on xmas and when i probed about xmas, to trya nd plan out that day i got the distinct impression he was hinting that i wouldnt be wlecome by my step mom and that i wouldnt be able to go to xmas dinner
so in talking to emily she decided to invite me to her place for xmas eve and morning if dad didnt invite me over to his place.
so december 19th, i go shopping with dad. i ask him.
first he says that he figured i'd be uncomfortable with step mom and her family cus he knows he is. so i said
"well, wouldnt that be a better reason for me to come. then u have me and mmy lil sister there"
he says "well, i asked about you and well... nobody said anything "
(keep in mind, this wld be the first yr i've asked, since i was 12. i always got the impression i was not invited... and step mom and i never got along... they spend christmas at step mom's parents btw, with step moms family...about 20 ppl altogether....)
so i said "well dad i'd like to come to dinner and be with you on christmas day"
he said "it is not my place to invite you to your step moms parents place"
i let it drop...
i'm his daughter, why the hell could i not go...they are my step family.... my half sister can go..
anyways....
so i called emily and allan..... i was not happy. i was crying so hard i was wailing.... poor allan answered the phone.... i feel bad he heard me go thru that crying... but he asked emily and they said no problem i'd spend christmas eve and christmas morning with themnd emily even asked me if i wanted to spend my vacation time at their place.
dad wad supposed to pick me up and take me to his place for lunch and gift exchange...then drop me off at my place when they go to step mom's 's parents palce... for dinner.... i said i was going to see sherlock holmes christmas day...it was my cover, and a way to keep me busy....
yeah....
allan and emily have already asked their aunt (where they have dinner), she said i am welcome to come there for dinner...if my dad flaked out and cxld lunch plans (cus step moms parents have dinner at 6pm, emailya nd allans aunt has dinner at lunch time)
my co worker Velma, invited me to her place to dinner....in case i didnt have aplace to go.
and even MY MASSAGE THERAPIST and fast becoming friend invited me to her place for Christmas if i didnt have aplace to go...

iwas really hurt...and depressed... and really fighting off sum very...very...very...bad thoughts... because of this stuff dad pulled.....
when your friends are more loving and accepting then your own family...
when you have to spend chrsitmas with friends because you a re an outcast for no good reason...
it just hurts....
what hurts most is..
dad didnt even fight for me... he just rolled over and said "its not my place to invite you"....
he should have said
"you're my daughter... and if i can go with your step mom and your half sister, and your step siblings, then of course you can come. they will just have to deal...."
instead i got "its not my place to invite you"
not your place to invite your daughter????!!! to christmas!!!! why the hell not!"
as you can tell, i am starting to go thru the angry stage...
first came shock...
shortly followed by despair....and depression.... now by anger...
hence the reason i am staying the week... i really do not want to be alone....not till after christmas....
having bad thoughts....

i thought that the last cpl years were hard....
2yrs ago i spent xmas eve and day with grams thanks to emily and allan driving me down on t heir way out for holidays.
last yr dad picked up grams (after she chnged her mind on xmas eve and i begged dad to convince her to come up xmas day) and we spent xmas at emily and allans cus my grams and my step mom dont get along and i was datign allan so of course it made sense.
and
this year...
i had no way to grams....coudlnt plan on seeing grams cus she living in middle of nowheres and chnges her mind at drop of a hat....and her and dad arent even talking...
and dad and step mom wont have me
and i do not have a boyfreind (now, i'm on an online dating site..... we shall see... it is all local folks)
and of course i had no way to mom's even if i wanted to (me and mom dont get along, but i'dve gone... cus i am trying to mend things)

i mean....
i just...
i dont get it
i know the answer to this...but i keep asking....
what is so wrong with me....that my own parents turn me away?
seriously.... cus thats how i feel....
anyways, last night i went to christmas ever service...alone... and cried during the whole first half of the service..... a couple of my freinds at church saw me and walked by giving me a knowing pat on the shoulder....
i prayed..... begging god...to please send me sumbody to sit with me and spend time during service...or at ;east have sumbody come by me and give me a huge hug and tell me i am loved...
i litterally begged god....
anyways

oh and then today... guess what....
see on december 19th, dad told me to call int he mornign when i was ready to get picked up.... 10 or 11m or so...
i called and...
dad says he'll pick me up after lunch....
at 1pm
so i say, well we talked about 10 or 11am and allan and emily are going out to lunch for 1pm....
so allan says i shld go to his aunts and dad can pick me up at 2pm....
sounded great. meant i got to spend idealy a few hours b4 dinner....
oh and btw, my baby brother, got marred this year. so i was planning on meeting him and his new wifey :-)
then dad calls back... says they are heading to dinner at 4pm to step moms parentes
AND CAN THEY PICK ME UP AT 3PM.....
one hour.....
one fucking hour
so i told dad.... "listen, why not just pick my up after dinner? then we arent on time line cus i dont have to go to the movies till 1000pm...."
after all... i wanted more then an hour.... on Christmas.... with my dad...
i hung up the phone and i lost it.... started crying again, i was wailing...
i was supposed to spend from 1000 or 11am until about 4pm..... and it got reduced to an hour.... and then i had to ask my dad to reschedule and pencil me in after dinner....
i do not understand it.....
i am his daughter....
why do i have to be pencilled in on Christmas.... all my step siblings were there....
the extended family were there....
why couldnt i join in....

anyways.... dad did drop by at 6pm today.... and he just went to my place....
for an hour....
i didnt even get to see my brother.... i didnt get to spend any tiem with them....
but one hour here at my apt is better then no time at all....
i still do not get it....
allan is royally pisse doff at my dad.
emily is ever understanding and also quite pissed off

dad said he loved me, he was in tears.... says he felt horrid about what happened to day....says he was ina na awkward position. a lose lose situation. that he really loved me and wanted me there but...sue and her family.....
whatever.
no wonder my other sister does not talk to him any longer. no wodner she cut him out of her life.
i've thoguht bout it.
but, i want to be loved. and well...
i really shouwl mend things with dad...
and yes even with my mom...mom will take longer tho.... i eman...d ad may have been a deadbeat (and in sum ways still is)
but at least he is trying.... and beisdes at least he was not liek mom,...she kicked me out of the house when i was 17, and again when i was 18.... so yeah, things with mom....not so good.
anyways, dad is going away for trainign january third. will be away till june. then leaves in late summer to be deployed overseas...this was our last christmas b4 he leaves.... he kinda realised how much he'd fucked up....
he gave me another wad of cash ( buy my love, hey i wont refuse money... i'm poor!)
so he said that next year, in december, if he doesnt come home...he is going to take me and my half sister (cue my step siblings treat him like crap) to australia... for christmas sumthing we have always wanted to do.... cus he'll have leave at christmas and he has extra money for travelling and danger pay to boot...
or of he does come home... he'dd take my half sister and me to disney world or sumthign big liek that...
i acted excited...a nd said that'd be awesum. hell i'll even make sure i have the money saved for touristy stufff....
but i willbeleive it... when is ee the tikets.... and even then...i wont count on it till it happens....
dad has a habit of saying stuff, promising stuff, or makign comittmernts, then "flaking out" or sumthing on them....
i wont risk geeting my hopes up and having them distroyed
today was hard enuff

how the hell am i supposed to fend off bad thoughts and depression...
when my own family turns me aaway...what is wrong with me that makes me so unlovable...
i just want tpo belong.....
i just want to feel at home....
by those who ,matter most....
my family....
and instead...my freinds love me and accept me more then my own family....
hell my massage therapist and co workers accept me more
wtf?

Very proud of myself....

I.....
didn't.....
have.....
sex.
I swear i havent stopped grinning all day.... i mean, i've had mind blowing sex before and grinned all day outta sheer bliss and joy...this was a different joy. this was a "i can hold my head up high" joy....this was
so cool :)
LOL. despite his will being very limited, despite his attempts to get me to cave, despite his pleading me to let him please me.... yes ladies and gents he works that way he actually take pleasure in pleasing a woman so to his next lady i say this "you are blessed indeed".... anyways despite all this.....
I KEPT MY PANTS ON.
not only that but i didnt even let him "play"

wow.....
i'm still flabergasted.

wow.
i mean last night, i just focused on emily. the whole time he wa trying i am not saying i wasnt "susceptible;e" to his advances, but when i'd almost cave i'd just think of how i felt last week and then thought "if you're that horny Allan, go make love to your emily. cus we arent dating, the problems that were there havent been fixed, and now more problems have resulted because of my lack of will power so....go make love to emily.not me."
damn it felt so good to be bale to say no....
he told me his will power was waining, and i just whispered "then i'll be strong enuff for the both of us"
and i was....
can i get a
WHOOOT WHOOOT
BOOO FUCKING RA
AND A
HOLY SHIT GIRL YOU DID IT!!!!

thank you, thank you very much.
NOW for my next trick, a repeat performance with allan from now on till forever.
right?
well heres to hoping.
one step in the right direction.

life is good.....minus the fact i still madly love allan, but hey.... unrequited love. totally deal able. sexual chemistry, totally dealing with it....