Christmas without Dad... Dad, wtf?????

I have been down.... but Emily and Allan have been amazing. i've spent the whole week at their place
heres the background... i was planing on going tomy mother's family for xmas. wanted to talk to family in aug-sept about it. found out was being laid off in aug sumthime in november. didnt save for trip, didnt plan it cua i figured it would be hard to get tiem off for christmas ata new job.
found out mid november, i got to keep my job. even tho i still had a job, everybody had made their plans, and well.... i had no money sooo that mean so xmas here. my step dad invited me out to his place. even offered to fly me up from oms to his place...mom cld just pay the taxes.... but stuff rom mom alwasy comes wqith strings, and we dont get along, and besides christmas here would not too bad, cus i have my dad here. for sake of spending time with him this yr (ashe will be overseas next xmas) i decided to bear my step mom (u know that story) if i could not find a flight to moms and a place to stay with sum other family then i would stay here for the holidays and see if my dad would get my grandmother( his mom) for xmas day (like last yr)
so even tho i had an offer to see my step dad, i had no way to get up to him...cus he said he'd fly me from moms to his palce.... i had no way up to mom's place... so hey, xmas with dad sounded better and better, especially since he was travellign away and wldnt be here nxt xmas....
found out dad is still fighting with grams. no talking to her at all. and he didnt want to see or talk or visit or anything WITH HER on xmas and when i probed about xmas, to trya nd plan out that day i got the distinct impression he was hinting that i wouldnt be wlecome by my step mom and that i wouldnt be able to go to xmas dinner
so in talking to emily she decided to invite me to her place for xmas eve and morning if dad didnt invite me over to his place.
so december 19th, i go shopping with dad. i ask him.
first he says that he figured i'd be uncomfortable with step mom and her family cus he knows he is. so i said
"well, wouldnt that be a better reason for me to come. then u have me and mmy lil sister there"
he says "well, i asked about you and well... nobody said anything "
(keep in mind, this wld be the first yr i've asked, since i was 12. i always got the impression i was not invited... and step mom and i never got along... they spend christmas at step mom's parents btw, with step moms family...about 20 ppl altogether....)
so i said "well dad i'd like to come to dinner and be with you on christmas day"
he said "it is not my place to invite you to your step moms parents place"
i let it drop...
i'm his daughter, why the hell could i not go...they are my step family.... my half sister can go..
anyways....
so i called emily and allan..... i was not happy. i was crying so hard i was wailing.... poor allan answered the phone.... i feel bad he heard me go thru that crying... but he asked emily and they said no problem i'd spend christmas eve and christmas morning with themnd emily even asked me if i wanted to spend my vacation time at their place.
dad wad supposed to pick me up and take me to his place for lunch and gift exchange...then drop me off at my place when they go to step mom's 's parents palce... for dinner.... i said i was going to see sherlock holmes christmas day...it was my cover, and a way to keep me busy....
yeah....
allan and emily have already asked their aunt (where they have dinner), she said i am welcome to come there for dinner...if my dad flaked out and cxld lunch plans (cus step moms parents have dinner at 6pm, emailya nd allans aunt has dinner at lunch time)
my co worker Velma, invited me to her place to dinner....in case i didnt have aplace to go.
and even MY MASSAGE THERAPIST and fast becoming friend invited me to her place for Christmas if i didnt have aplace to go...

iwas really hurt...and depressed... and really fighting off sum very...very...very...bad thoughts... because of this stuff dad pulled.....
when your friends are more loving and accepting then your own family...
when you have to spend chrsitmas with friends because you a re an outcast for no good reason...
it just hurts....
what hurts most is..
dad didnt even fight for me... he just rolled over and said "its not my place to invite you"....
he should have said
"you're my daughter... and if i can go with your step mom and your half sister, and your step siblings, then of course you can come. they will just have to deal...."
instead i got "its not my place to invite you"
not your place to invite your daughter????!!! to christmas!!!! why the hell not!"
as you can tell, i am starting to go thru the angry stage...
first came shock...
shortly followed by despair....and depression.... now by anger...
hence the reason i am staying the week... i really do not want to be alone....not till after christmas....
having bad thoughts....

i thought that the last cpl years were hard....
2yrs ago i spent xmas eve and day with grams thanks to emily and allan driving me down on t heir way out for holidays.
last yr dad picked up grams (after she chnged her mind on xmas eve and i begged dad to convince her to come up xmas day) and we spent xmas at emily and allans cus my grams and my step mom dont get along and i was datign allan so of course it made sense.
and
this year...
i had no way to grams....coudlnt plan on seeing grams cus she living in middle of nowheres and chnges her mind at drop of a hat....and her and dad arent even talking...
and dad and step mom wont have me
and i do not have a boyfreind (now, i'm on an online dating site..... we shall see... it is all local folks)
and of course i had no way to mom's even if i wanted to (me and mom dont get along, but i'dve gone... cus i am trying to mend things)

i mean....
i just...
i dont get it
i know the answer to this...but i keep asking....
what is so wrong with me....that my own parents turn me away?
seriously.... cus thats how i feel....
anyways, last night i went to christmas ever service...alone... and cried during the whole first half of the service..... a couple of my freinds at church saw me and walked by giving me a knowing pat on the shoulder....
i prayed..... begging god...to please send me sumbody to sit with me and spend time during service...or at ;east have sumbody come by me and give me a huge hug and tell me i am loved...
i litterally begged god....
anyways

oh and then today... guess what....
see on december 19th, dad told me to call int he mornign when i was ready to get picked up.... 10 or 11m or so...
i called and...
dad says he'll pick me up after lunch....
at 1pm
so i say, well we talked about 10 or 11am and allan and emily are going out to lunch for 1pm....
so allan says i shld go to his aunts and dad can pick me up at 2pm....
sounded great. meant i got to spend idealy a few hours b4 dinner....
oh and btw, my baby brother, got marred this year. so i was planning on meeting him and his new wifey :-)
then dad calls back... says they are heading to dinner at 4pm to step moms parentes
AND CAN THEY PICK ME UP AT 3PM.....
one hour.....
one fucking hour
so i told dad.... "listen, why not just pick my up after dinner? then we arent on time line cus i dont have to go to the movies till 1000pm...."
after all... i wanted more then an hour.... on Christmas.... with my dad...
i hung up the phone and i lost it.... started crying again, i was wailing...
i was supposed to spend from 1000 or 11am until about 4pm..... and it got reduced to an hour.... and then i had to ask my dad to reschedule and pencil me in after dinner....
i do not understand it.....
i am his daughter....
why do i have to be pencilled in on Christmas.... all my step siblings were there....
the extended family were there....
why couldnt i join in....

anyways.... dad did drop by at 6pm today.... and he just went to my place....
for an hour....
i didnt even get to see my brother.... i didnt get to spend any tiem with them....
but one hour here at my apt is better then no time at all....
i still do not get it....
allan is royally pisse doff at my dad.
emily is ever understanding and also quite pissed off

dad said he loved me, he was in tears.... says he felt horrid about what happened to day....says he was ina na awkward position. a lose lose situation. that he really loved me and wanted me there but...sue and her family.....
whatever.
no wonder my other sister does not talk to him any longer. no wodner she cut him out of her life.
i've thoguht bout it.
but, i want to be loved. and well...
i really shouwl mend things with dad...
and yes even with my mom...mom will take longer tho.... i eman...d ad may have been a deadbeat (and in sum ways still is)
but at least he is trying.... and beisdes at least he was not liek mom,...she kicked me out of the house when i was 17, and again when i was 18.... so yeah, things with mom....not so good.
anyways, dad is going away for trainign january third. will be away till june. then leaves in late summer to be deployed overseas...this was our last christmas b4 he leaves.... he kinda realised how much he'd fucked up....
he gave me another wad of cash ( buy my love, hey i wont refuse money... i'm poor!)
so he said that next year, in december, if he doesnt come home...he is going to take me and my half sister (cue my step siblings treat him like crap) to australia... for christmas sumthing we have always wanted to do.... cus he'll have leave at christmas and he has extra money for travelling and danger pay to boot...
or of he does come home... he'dd take my half sister and me to disney world or sumthign big liek that...
i acted excited...a nd said that'd be awesum. hell i'll even make sure i have the money saved for touristy stufff....
but i willbeleive it... when is ee the tikets.... and even then...i wont count on it till it happens....
dad has a habit of saying stuff, promising stuff, or makign comittmernts, then "flaking out" or sumthing on them....
i wont risk geeting my hopes up and having them distroyed
today was hard enuff

how the hell am i supposed to fend off bad thoughts and depression...
when my own family turns me aaway...what is wrong with me that makes me so unlovable...
i just want tpo belong.....
i just want to feel at home....
by those who ,matter most....
my family....
and instead...my freinds love me and accept me more then my own family....
hell my massage therapist and co workers accept me more
wtf?