darkest night... no, not batman the dark knight

I just came thru the darkest night i've ever had.

5 feet from the water.

you read my previous post, you know what that means.

i started out needing a walk. figured doing sumthign would help improve my mood. and they exercise causes endorphins which make ya happy...

didnt work

i ended up down by the river...

i couldnt do it tho

the funniest thought hit me...

i dont have my goodbye letters done

and

if i dont tell people who gets my cats they could end up at the spca... and that will kill them!

so

i chickened out

on the grounds of being unprepared

i suppose its a good thing

heaven help me if i write those letters tho

i tried calling the local suicide helpline before I left on my "walk"

guess what

i got voicemail

our provincially funded program

SUCKS SO FUCKING

BADLY ITS ALMOST FUNNY.

"hi my name is cries alone, i'm suicidal. heres my number. if you dont call withen the next 5 minutes, heres where you can find my body"

COME ON!!!

i called a freind, and she was worried anuff she asked what she cld do to help. i begged her to call allan and emily and make sure theyw ere still together. i figured if i knew i hadnt broken up their marriage, then maybe just maybe i'd snap outta it.

she called.

and they were still together

she told me

nothing

i still felt the same

so i said goodbye and told her i needed to walk sum more.

then allan calls.

he's on his way. walking to find me. where am i? i tell him. 5 feet from the water. on a park bench.

tell me this

he asks

are you in a darker place then last year when you broke things off and had to call yer Friend over

yes

i whisper

thanks for the honesty

he says

which bench

he pleas

i tell him which one.

i'm on my way

he says

and talks to me until my phone starts to die. i hang up.

he makes me promise to call him in half hour

i call him back

where are you

he says

same spot, havent moved

little bit later i hear him walking to me..then running...

4am

he takes me away from the water...

i tell him my plan

i then joke about suicide.

he says i'm scaring him

i say thats fine. cus i'm scared.

he takes me to sumplce to dry. i talk about hat i feel and why i almost did it. 5am

he tried to encourage me

i then head home. 6am.

he comes in so i am not alone till daybreak

i say

if i can make it to dawn, i've made it thru till tomorrow night. i cant do my plan in the day

i say my piece to him.

why didnt you tell her? 3 mths allan. i begged you? u promised to tell her. u promised to respect my friendship boundaries. why

he says he doenst know

i tell him this isnt all about him. its about my hating myself. and not being able to live with my shame . i am worthless now.

he disagrees. tels me to stop taking it all on my shoulders.

he tries to make me promise o wont kill myself. i say i cant promise that. all i can promise is i'll try to fight this as best i can. its all i can promise. but that sumtimes, you lose the fight.

eventually. its daybreak. and i'm on one side of the sofa while hes on the other

he leaves

i am already in a ball, i go to sleep right where i was on the sofa. sitting down crumpled around a sofa cushion.

i dont wake up till almost 1pm...

i will try to fight this.... know this... i a not just rolling over. i am trying to fight these feelings and these urges to end it all... suicide, is something you fight... and eventually lose the battle to. least it is for me. its not just a matter of waking up one day and saying "i'm going to kill mysself"... a battle... you look for the reasons to stay alive... and you cling to them with every fibre of yer being...

its like a quote from lord of the rings, Gandolf says to frodo who wishes that golumn were dead...

"there are those who deserve life who have died. can you bring those back to life? do not wish for death so eagerly"

i cling to this.... better people than me have died and they deserved to live. i cant bring them back, what right do i have to take my own life....

its just....

i keep praying for forgiveness...

and i keep praying i feel the love

and i keep praying i have sumbody to call family ....

cus i feel worthless, and like i have nobody anymore. the only 2 ppl i loved like family since i left my husband .... are now not in my life and i can never get them back....

and i hate myself for what i did to them. and that i feel... shame....

i feel like i am garbage....

i was molested as a child. i have parent who dropped me outta their lives. and i am tired of drifting and being alone

what is wrong with me i am so unlovable.

and why did i do this terrible unforgivable thing to emily? the one person i thought of like family. my best freind. why didnt i stop. why did i hurt her. why was i so rotten and horrible to her...

i dont blame her foe what she said inher email. cus i emailed her to say i had deleted allan and no more contact woudl happen with him. she said last night in an email "Yeah well I think for now hun it is best that there is no contact either I know that I said last night I would still be your friend however under the circumstances I just don't know I will be changing my nights for Aquaise and I will be going by myself I know that you also said that you were doing to see New Moon with me on the 19th of March but I think that it would be best that if you didn't you hurt me too hun really bad. Sorry to do this but right now I can't do this."

anyways... thats that.... heres to hoping i get thru another night...

suicidal much?

i beleive in generational curses now...
mine is divorce and hidden love affairs

like mother like daughter

i have never felt this dark
this low
this ashamed of myself
and i am honstly... suicidal about this

2 things keep me from taking my life

1) i never want to put emily, allan, ruth, or ruths parents thru that pain.... i watched them go thru the pain of suciide of a loved one before. i dotn want that for them
2) i am scared that if i try, and i fail....that i will be put in the psych ward. i will be off work, and finacially i'll loe evrything i've tried so hard to get.

i have to keep reminding myself.... over nad over of these two reasons...

i keep looking at people and smiling and in my head i say "hello, i'm suicidal. and how are you?" or "hi, i'm suicidal. dont you see that. no. i guess not. my mask is a good one"

i just keep reminding myself over and over.... i never want to put my freinds thru that pain... and i might not succeed anf then i'd lose my job and i'd lose my apt and i'd lose school and everythign i;ve struggled for...

i knwo how i'd do it too...

see its been warm here.... the river isnt all frozen over.
i'd go for a walk. late at night. wear my black heavy coate. and black jeans. and black shoes. i'd walk along the river until i found a spo that was not lit up. then i'd walk out onto the river. until the ice gave way...
i'd let myself fall in
and i'd go under
i'd let the current take me
it woudl eb a horrid way to die.
drowning. the pain. the fear.
but this time of year is perfect. cus of all the ice.
even if the river isn't frozen enuff. its cold enuff. even if it isnt frozen enuff. the current is fast. the undertows are common and terrible here. and my heavy clothes would drag me down.
i'd leave a note here at home...
and i'd leave the door unlocked.
i'd place a phone call to my landlady. asking her to pick up the note on my stove. and that note would have intructions on where to find the notes id written to everybody else. it woudl say that i;d killed myslef and how.

but....
i dont want t do that
cus i dotn want to cause ruth and her mom the pain of losing me to suicide. ruth's brother killed himself.
i dont want to cause allan and emily the pain of losing aloved one to suicide. liek they went thru with their freind last summer ..

and i know that no suicide attempttis 100 percent. and its that margin of error that scares me too. cus the consequnces in life are not good. if i didnt succeeed.

and my third reason....
i really dont wanna go to hell. and with my lack of faith. with what i've done.. i am not sure god would let me into heaven now if i died....

if i keep remindingmyself these things.... then i'll be ok.... i just gotta keep reminding myself these things....

but its hard... cus i have nothing.
no family. ddad is deadbeat. who cant even have me at cristmastime. mom lives far away, and doesnt want me in her life. i mentioend on chrstmas even coming by next yeasr for christmas. she said no, a its be better if i came in august.
my step dad is remarried. and i havent talked to him since the yr after hima nd mom divorced.
frnak and i are thur. his family is his not mine.
i hardly knwo my grandmother.
i have no family really...
i make my freind family. and because i have had sucha bad family upbrinign relationships are fucked up and hard to make... so i have very few bestfreinds. monica was a friend. she left me cus i was too fucked up.
and i have to leave allan
and i am not good enuff for emily
ruth and vivian and martha live far away.
jeff is my friend. but... he has a life. and i rwally dont want to intrude. he has enuff goign on right now with his depression and his possible child's mother causing issues.
see...
nothing....

so hello. i'm suicidal. but, noody knows
i fele like the lyric to the song tears i cry by kangel

"These memories lie in the tears that I cry and nobody is here all the love disappeared
Destroyed all my pride
thinking back on the night where I wanted to die cuz I hated my life "



wait, i just got an email.... emily doesnt want me in her life....

i am nothing. i am worhtless. i am nothing, i have nobody.
i have sarah in alberta, i have vivian in alberta, i have martha in bc....
but i havent let any one of them close to me for a long time...
i have nobody. i am nobody.
i am worthless.

i really, really doon't know how long i can fight this....
if anybody read this...
please... i'm sorry but i am goignt ot ry to fight this but i may not win it...
because i have nobody here. and i need sumbody here.

theres a reason i keep everybody at arms legnth.... cus i always thought they'd hurt me.
i never thought i'd hurt them ...

i'm worthless

and nobody will ever read this....
maybe one... wolf... and he's ina nother country....
i have nobody here....

i'm alone

he never told her... so i did

Allan never told emily. depite my begging him over a month ago when i stayed home from work and cried on the phone...
i sent him an email on feb 15th...
so last night, while emily and i were stuck ina broke down car during a snowstorm... i told her "tonight, allan is supposed to tell you sumthing. if he doesnt. you tell him i told you its tiem to tell you"
emily looked at me... and ppoint blank asked
"did you two sleep together?"
i said "yes"
she was stunned
she said "how long ago"
i said "a while ago. and more than once."
i admitted to her i was confused, and there wrre many times i wanted to tell her, but that it was supposed to come from nick. and he kept sayign he would...
i told her when it frist happened that ia sked him to hold off tellign her so i cld at lease figure out sum answers. btu when i didnt, i asked, no begged, him to tell her
and he didnt...
i told her i was thru with allan. he was no long my freind. no longer in my life
that i'd caused her and him more harm then good... so i was dropping out.
she looked at me and said "please i dont want you to stop being my freind"
i told her i felt like i had to break up with allan over again... and i hated that feeling.
anyways
like i've said before, she si an amazing woman. especially with a shitty friend like me. she doesnt deserve me....
nobody does
we both went to her place.... it was about 10pm or 11pm i think when she finally said toa llan "where were you goignt o tell me dear" to allan
allan said "tell you what?"
emily said "that you and her were sleepign together"
the rest of the conversation is blurry but i remeber her yelling that "she had to tell me, because you werent man enuff to tell your wife!"
she said she had been jumping thru hoops to regain his trust, all awhile he was being hypocritical and hiding this from her...
she said she was hurt...
he said back...seethign with bitterness... "now you know how i felt notonce but twice" referring to her affair with a married man whose wife sdidnt know, and to when she had sumbody over without telling him....
at that ppoint, my heart shattered...
was i revenge sex?
seriosuly.
cus now that i think about it... maybe he hid it from her, to get back at her... it wasnt an intentional plan (i hope not) but thats what i think this was...
she then said that allan was not to see me anylonger. that they were in trouble. and that poly mightbe done for them
i think it shouyld be done. and i said as much. that its done more harm then good...
later that night he drove me hom and i said my peice....
i told him... tears in my eyes
"because you didnt tell her.... we have nothing. you fucked up"
because you didnt tell her, i've lost not one but two friend. you made me the other womwn when u didnt tell her. i beeged you to tell her, and you didnt. i beeged you and you didnt. i had to tell her. it shoudl never have come fro me. never. i should not have been the one to tell her. and because you didnt, we are thru. we can never have anything ever again."
thats just what i remebr. i remebr him saying i must hate him. i told him i didnt. he said he's find a way to make it better. i said "dont. you can't make this better"
and after a few more words i cant remebrr.... i left....
and now, alan is no longer in my life. not a freind. nothing. ever.
i cant trust him. i cant love him. i cant be his freind. nothing
allan, is int he same page of my life as frank.
over....and done with....
never to go back to except in a a moment of weakness...
full of regret and pain...
full of shame and guilt
love hurts....
i dont hate allan... but i dont think he realises.... he'll never be in my life again... except as the husband of one of my freind... somebody i know in name...
but never more then a name and a face...
all because...
he never told her...
he is a liar and a hypocrite and he ruined my life....
all because he never told her

emily is right... he is not man enuff

not for me anyways
and it hurts to say that,
cus i wish he was....
god i wish he was....
cus i dont hate him
i love him...
i guess i love to be hurt....

valentines day

Today, is valentines today.
i know it is overcommercialised, and to most is meaningless.. but to me its not
and i didnt want to be alone today
but i was.
until allan emailed me this afternoon to say he'd be by tonight after his weekly gaming session
but when he dropped by tonight... we hung out..
but as soon as he tried to start "something"
i stopped him
and told him he shoudl be home with emily
i was feelign guilty he was here with me
and he shoudl go home
after much talk
i sent him home

and i feel like crap....
we never did anything... i stopped in time
still
i feel liek i wanna cry....
so yeah... i'm goign to bed now... to work off sum frustrations caused by my being so close to allan and then cry...a lot..
i highly doubt i'm gonna be able to make it to work tomorrow...

why oh why do i keep hurting myself this way....
and why can't i be just a little selfish...
FML...
fuck my life...

today's theme songs

I am not waiting for some hero to come in and save me. i am not looking for a knight in shining armour...
being the child of a double divorced family (mom n dad, mom and step dad, and dad and stepmom's marriage aint doing so well either) .... well anyways being the child of a double divorced family, you learn to be realistic in your expectations...
still..
every once in a while...
i just wish...
for that hero. that knight in shining armour...to save me... from myself and this life i choose for myself... whres the good dr when you need him LOL joking. seriously tho... i just want a good honest man who will be my partner for life. and i dont want to keep holding onto a hope that may never come true.... that is a pitiful and horrid existence filled with heart break and broken dreams...

BONNIE TYLER
I NEED A HERO
VIDEO HERE: (btw, HUGE dr who fan... LOL)
LYRICS

Where have all good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where’s the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?

Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need

I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There’s someone reaching back for me

Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It’s gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life

Up Where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I would swear that there’s someone somewhere
Watching me
Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel his approach
Like a fire in my blood

I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life

love, i am broken

MY ALLAN
we have all heard
what it is
to live
on a hope
but
have you heard
what it is
to love
on a hope?
it is a fate
far worse then
one would think.
it is heart wrenching
and life changing
in all the worst of ways.
it is
dreams unfulfilled
desires unknown
and dark places
often visited.
it is
the silent scream
of a broken heart.

PATHS NOT TAKEN
i cannot follow you.
you offer me
stardust
and sunlight
when i need
life
and
a partner.
the path you offer
cannot be taken
by us,
by me
and you.

FORGET
i have tried
to think of now
and here,
to forget the
wheres and whens
and the hows
of the future.
but i love you
and
i'm left
with a
broken heart

ME
Love,
I am broken.
you are
unfullfilled
and
unobtainable.
what i need
you cannot give