he never told her... so i did

Allan never told emily. depite my begging him over a month ago when i stayed home from work and cried on the phone...
i sent him an email on feb 15th...
so last night, while emily and i were stuck ina broke down car during a snowstorm... i told her "tonight, allan is supposed to tell you sumthing. if he doesnt. you tell him i told you its tiem to tell you"
emily looked at me... and ppoint blank asked
"did you two sleep together?"
i said "yes"
she was stunned
she said "how long ago"
i said "a while ago. and more than once."
i admitted to her i was confused, and there wrre many times i wanted to tell her, but that it was supposed to come from nick. and he kept sayign he would...
i told her when it frist happened that ia sked him to hold off tellign her so i cld at lease figure out sum answers. btu when i didnt, i asked, no begged, him to tell her
and he didnt...
i told her i was thru with allan. he was no long my freind. no longer in my life
that i'd caused her and him more harm then good... so i was dropping out.
she looked at me and said "please i dont want you to stop being my freind"
i told her i felt like i had to break up with allan over again... and i hated that feeling.
anyways
like i've said before, she si an amazing woman. especially with a shitty friend like me. she doesnt deserve me....
nobody does
we both went to her place.... it was about 10pm or 11pm i think when she finally said toa llan "where were you goignt o tell me dear" to allan
allan said "tell you what?"
emily said "that you and her were sleepign together"
the rest of the conversation is blurry but i remeber her yelling that "she had to tell me, because you werent man enuff to tell your wife!"
she said she had been jumping thru hoops to regain his trust, all awhile he was being hypocritical and hiding this from her...
she said she was hurt...
he said back...seethign with bitterness... "now you know how i felt notonce but twice" referring to her affair with a married man whose wife sdidnt know, and to when she had sumbody over without telling him....
at that ppoint, my heart shattered...
was i revenge sex?
seriosuly.
cus now that i think about it... maybe he hid it from her, to get back at her... it wasnt an intentional plan (i hope not) but thats what i think this was...
she then said that allan was not to see me anylonger. that they were in trouble. and that poly mightbe done for them
i think it shouyld be done. and i said as much. that its done more harm then good...
later that night he drove me hom and i said my peice....
i told him... tears in my eyes
"because you didnt tell her.... we have nothing. you fucked up"
because you didnt tell her, i've lost not one but two friend. you made me the other womwn when u didnt tell her. i beeged you to tell her, and you didnt. i beeged you and you didnt. i had to tell her. it shoudl never have come fro me. never. i should not have been the one to tell her. and because you didnt, we are thru. we can never have anything ever again."
thats just what i remebr. i remebr him saying i must hate him. i told him i didnt. he said he's find a way to make it better. i said "dont. you can't make this better"
and after a few more words i cant remebrr.... i left....
and now, alan is no longer in my life. not a freind. nothing. ever.
i cant trust him. i cant love him. i cant be his freind. nothing
allan, is int he same page of my life as frank.
over....and done with....
never to go back to except in a a moment of weakness...
full of regret and pain...
full of shame and guilt
love hurts....
i dont hate allan... but i dont think he realises.... he'll never be in my life again... except as the husband of one of my freind... somebody i know in name...
but never more then a name and a face...
all because...
he never told her...
he is a liar and a hypocrite and he ruined my life....
all because he never told her

emily is right... he is not man enuff

not for me anyways
and it hurts to say that,
cus i wish he was....
god i wish he was....
cus i dont hate him
i love him...
i guess i love to be hurt....