suicidal much?

i beleive in generational curses now...
mine is divorce and hidden love affairs

like mother like daughter

i have never felt this dark
this low
this ashamed of myself
and i am honstly... suicidal about this

2 things keep me from taking my life

1) i never want to put emily, allan, ruth, or ruths parents thru that pain.... i watched them go thru the pain of suciide of a loved one before. i dotn want that for them
2) i am scared that if i try, and i fail....that i will be put in the psych ward. i will be off work, and finacially i'll loe evrything i've tried so hard to get.

i have to keep reminding myself.... over nad over of these two reasons...

i keep looking at people and smiling and in my head i say "hello, i'm suicidal. and how are you?" or "hi, i'm suicidal. dont you see that. no. i guess not. my mask is a good one"

i just keep reminding myself over and over.... i never want to put my freinds thru that pain... and i might not succeed anf then i'd lose my job and i'd lose my apt and i'd lose school and everythign i;ve struggled for...

i knwo how i'd do it too...

see its been warm here.... the river isnt all frozen over.
i'd go for a walk. late at night. wear my black heavy coate. and black jeans. and black shoes. i'd walk along the river until i found a spo that was not lit up. then i'd walk out onto the river. until the ice gave way...
i'd let myself fall in
and i'd go under
i'd let the current take me
it woudl eb a horrid way to die.
drowning. the pain. the fear.
but this time of year is perfect. cus of all the ice.
even if the river isn't frozen enuff. its cold enuff. even if it isnt frozen enuff. the current is fast. the undertows are common and terrible here. and my heavy clothes would drag me down.
i'd leave a note here at home...
and i'd leave the door unlocked.
i'd place a phone call to my landlady. asking her to pick up the note on my stove. and that note would have intructions on where to find the notes id written to everybody else. it woudl say that i;d killed myslef and how.

but....
i dont want t do that
cus i dotn want to cause ruth and her mom the pain of losing me to suicide. ruth's brother killed himself.
i dont want to cause allan and emily the pain of losing aloved one to suicide. liek they went thru with their freind last summer ..

and i know that no suicide attempttis 100 percent. and its that margin of error that scares me too. cus the consequnces in life are not good. if i didnt succeeed.

and my third reason....
i really dont wanna go to hell. and with my lack of faith. with what i've done.. i am not sure god would let me into heaven now if i died....

if i keep remindingmyself these things.... then i'll be ok.... i just gotta keep reminding myself these things....

but its hard... cus i have nothing.
no family. ddad is deadbeat. who cant even have me at cristmastime. mom lives far away, and doesnt want me in her life. i mentioend on chrstmas even coming by next yeasr for christmas. she said no, a its be better if i came in august.
my step dad is remarried. and i havent talked to him since the yr after hima nd mom divorced.
frnak and i are thur. his family is his not mine.
i hardly knwo my grandmother.
i have no family really...
i make my freind family. and because i have had sucha bad family upbrinign relationships are fucked up and hard to make... so i have very few bestfreinds. monica was a friend. she left me cus i was too fucked up.
and i have to leave allan
and i am not good enuff for emily
ruth and vivian and martha live far away.
jeff is my friend. but... he has a life. and i rwally dont want to intrude. he has enuff goign on right now with his depression and his possible child's mother causing issues.
see...
nothing....

so hello. i'm suicidal. but, noody knows
i fele like the lyric to the song tears i cry by kangel

"These memories lie in the tears that I cry and nobody is here all the love disappeared
Destroyed all my pride
thinking back on the night where I wanted to die cuz I hated my life "



wait, i just got an email.... emily doesnt want me in her life....

i am nothing. i am worhtless. i am nothing, i have nobody.
i have sarah in alberta, i have vivian in alberta, i have martha in bc....
but i havent let any one of them close to me for a long time...
i have nobody. i am nobody.
i am worthless.

i really, really doon't know how long i can fight this....
if anybody read this...
please... i'm sorry but i am goignt ot ry to fight this but i may not win it...
because i have nobody here. and i need sumbody here.

theres a reason i keep everybody at arms legnth.... cus i always thought they'd hurt me.
i never thought i'd hurt them ...

i'm worthless

and nobody will ever read this....
maybe one... wolf... and he's ina nother country....
i have nobody here....

i'm alone