crazy cat lady

Sooooo.... last night wesley stayed overnight (hooray!) he got very little to no sleep (which frustrates me even more very time) and altho i warned him of the postential for my nightmares, and altho he has seen sum LIGHT nightmareing ...i leanrned sumthing new about my sleeping patterns...

apparently...

i..... sleep-hiss like a cat in my sleep?

kid u not, apparently my cat was makign too much noise and at one point i sat up, hissed at the cat, thenlaid back down...

i do not remeber ths at all.... wesley distinctly remembers it .

okies so no longer am i crazy cat lady in training. despite my new relationship, i am....

alnost crazy cat lady

lol.

hey, i gott post sumthign light once inna while!

oh btw....one hour of straight sex last night. all different posistions.... pure heaven. i wore me out. he, he clda gona longer if idve let him lol.

and ...i got my period today....so thsi explains my horniness last night. i am always super fucking horny the day or 2 b4 my period.

on even better note... a period means i am not prego! hoorays. i suspect that haveingmy period everyt mth will go back to what it was when i was married to franks...a lifesaver to my anxiety lol.

funny but my period with allan, meant nuttin. that man wld fuck even on my period. kid u not...i LOVED IT..... i havent mentioned anything to wesley. sumhow he doesnt strike me as the period fuckign kinda guy. did u know he had as part of his martial arts ytraining to hold off on masterbation and any sex for 30 days...holy fuck i can barely last a cpl weeks these days! so needless to say 8 days of bleeding wont be too long for him...altho right b4 and right after...w ealways have amazing sex.

man i love him, altho

i am too attached. i am fallignt oo fast. im gonna get hurt if im not careful...

oh man today i wenrt n acleaning spree in my house. it wa sliek i wa snesting, only nesting by cleaning.... whats going on? i wa snvr liek this with allan... the last time i got liek this was with franks...

oh crap... definitly falling too hard too fast. oh welsey please stick around long enuff to catch me cus i am falling hard for you.

fuck..i;m terrified now.

well i gotta go to bed, i took a pain pill and am sleepy. had my massage today, therapist said if this keeps up will need splints???? wtf are splints, ididnt ask cus i wastooo svared to know. all iknow is my legs are gettign worse ever since that very gentle bump in febuary in emily's car.... wtf who knew one lil bump wld cause somuch havoc on my body. all because i braced fer ipact AND also had pre exisiting condtion in my neck..... man am i ever in pain...but i puch thru it and do wtf i want how i want.....

anyways pill kicking in.... sleepy time now... heres to hopeing i dont hiss at the cats agaibn....wish welsey wld hurry up and learn to sleep here instead of napping all night till dawn !

weird dreams...

i had the weidest nightmare last night, it wa sa fairly tame nightmare thankfully....the only reason i call it a nightmare was cus i woke up crying...

i was a kid again, and dad was being cruel to me. teasing me, making fun of me, ignoreng me... and then the dream switched ands i was an adult and i was trying to save my faveorite fish from deing, the water kept leaking out cus there was a crack in the aquarium and the fish was flopping around and i was crying and runnign to the tank trying to fill it back up again and then i was watching sum kind mob movie then, iw as the movie and i was trying to save a town from being killed and people were dieng around me and the town was being captured bit by bit by the mob who turned out to be my family actually and i eventually lost the fight and i had to wait inna room to confront the mob boss my dad who...then, never showed up.... and then i was the kid again and my dad was being cruel making fun of me and ignoreine me when i asked stuff and then i woke up crying.

notmy worst nightmare by far. very tame actually... but i still woke up crying.

wonder why i was crying?

group and an excercise

Last night I had a lot of fun. wesley approached me, asked to cxl the bbq we had planned with couple. at first i thought he was gonna bail altogether on me..... then he asked if just us two clould have a night to do nothing planned. I told him he is priority number one, cancelled the bbq with my two freinds and then he and i spent time. i was a lil upset cus i felt liek i bailed on my freinds, but given the talks i have had with them about me and wesley they understood this was much needed us time.... and it was nice... till i fell asleep on him. poor guy. i was just too wiped out...

today i had my survivors of childhood molestation group meeting. wehad to do sum more self examination shit...

anyways heres what i had to do. take the sentance and finish it. so caps is the sentance and non caps is how i finished it. i dont see how this has anything to do with my molestation...but whatever i am a good lil girl and i did it...

1. MANY PEOPLE DON'T AGREE WITH ME ABOUT... my past relationships with frank&allan

2. THE HAPPIEST DAY IN MY LIFE WAS.... my wedding day

3. WHEN I AM ALONE AT HOME I... can relax and be myself, until i get to thinking too much

4. MY BLUEST DAYS ARE... when i overanalyse, usually when i am alone

5. MY BEST FRIEND CAN BE COUNTED ON... to not be there, cus i dint have one anymore. i fucked that up too.

6. I AM BEST AT... helping others. least, i used to/ i dunno anymore.

7. PEOPLE CAN HURT MY FEELINGS MOST BY.... bailing on me or ditching me

8. IN A GROUP I AM... alone

9. PEOPLE WHO SELDOM LET ME KNOW WHERE THEY STAND MAKE ME FEEL... anxious or nervous. i need to know where u fit in my life so iknow what to expect and then i wont get hurt as much

10. PEOPLE WHO AGREE WITH ME MAKE ME FEEL... like my thoughts matter and i am not crazy/ ie validated.

11. STRONG INDEPENDENT PEOPLE MAKE ME FEEL... safe

12. WHEN PEOPLE DEPEND ON ME ,I ....try not to disappoint them and i got to do it right

13. I GET ANGRY WHEN... people try to get me to change my mind,plans, lifestyle.i worked hard to make "me" matter and its hard t make up my mind.

14. I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED... little outwardly but inwardly a lot.

15. I GET REAL PLEASURE FROM BEING A PART OF A GROUP WHEN... i belong

16. PEOPLE WHO EXPECT A LOT FROM ME MAKE ME FEEL.... good when i meet their expectations or they praise me

17. THE THINGS THAT AMUSE ME THE MOST ARE... goofy jokes/joking around with loved ones

18. I FEEL WARMEST WITH A PERSON WHEN... we can laugh or cry or goof around together

19, I FEEL I CANT GET ACROSS TO ANOTHER PERSON... often. i am terrible at expressing myself properly and clearly

20. WHAT I WANT MOST IN LIFE IS... to belong. only then will i feel at home and loved and safe

21. WHEN SOMEONE HURTS ME I... brush it off outwardly and feel it later or i blow up at them push em away from me as its best to push them away so they wont hurt me again.

22. I OFTEN FIND MYSELF... daydreaming about what was, what could have been, or what could be

23. I AM... me, and not liking this exercise right now.

so...yeah.... i am not feeling like this damn group is fucking easy right now... makes me think too fucking much. lol. on plus side..i wanna go fuck right now. on negative side, boyfriend wesley is awol. actually not awol, he is prob at home sleepingi wa ssupposed to get home at ten, and i got home at eleven forty five and he di work like from 10am to none thirty pm with only a 2 hr break so he prop is at home crashing. anyways i am still horny and no boyfriend..oh my what ever is a gal to do.

actually to be honest... i would love to have a cuddle right now, maybe a lil fooling around ok a lot of fooling around and a lot of cuddling lol. i can wait a day.... oh fuck i really am addicted to love, and wesley and wesleys penis, and love and wesleys penis, and wesley, lol....

by the way.. wesley was fucking hot before.... but now he shaved off what tiny teeny bot of fat flab he had and wow hes even fucking hotter. lol. now if i can just stay awake long wnuff to have fun. stupid pain stupid pills stupid exhausted me. lol

todays theme songs

I both love and hate LOVE. it is all consumeing all powerful, all absorbing.... dear wesley, i am fighting hardcore not to shut you out cus i'm addicted to ur love and i am in love but i am so scared to get hurt. HOW DO I GET BACK TO LETTING GO AND LETTING LOVE IN?

EVANECANCE: FIELD OF INNOCENCE:

VIDEO HERE

LYRICS:

I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything

[Latin hymn:]
Iesu, Rex admirabilis
Et triumphator nobilis,
Dulcedo ineffabilis,
Totus desiderabilis.

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything
Oh, Where

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything

I still remember.

FAMILY FORCE 5: LOVE ADDICT:

VIDEO HERE

LYRICS:

Hold up, wait a minute, put a little love in it

Doctor, Doctor, I've got an emergency
It seems I'm head over heels, a case of L-O-V-E
It's like I'm glowing inside
Yeah, a light I can't hide
And if this feeling is bad then I don't wanna be right
What I've got in my soul gives me the highest delight
Oh yeah it's better than drugs
In fact it's sent from above, huh huh

Hold up, wait a minute, put a little love in it
Hey, Can't kick the habit
Yeah, I got to have it
Yeah, I 'm what they call a
Love addict, Love addict
Hey, can't live without it
Yeah, G'on shout about it
Hey, I'm a symptomatic
Love addict, Love addict

Need a refill cause I just can't get enough
I've got a fever, oh yeah, and the prescription's love
So lay the truth on me
Cause that is all that I need

Hold up, wait a minute, put a little love in it
Hey, Can't kick the habit
Yeah, I got to have it
Yeah, I 'm what they call a
Love addict, Love addict
Hey, can't live without it
Yeah, G'on shout about it
Hey, I'm a symptomatic
Love addict, Love addict

I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict

Coming down with something outrageous
Lookout now cause it so contagious
This feeling's got me reeling
So amped up that I hit the ceiling
Gotta clear my throat
Huh huh, now I gotta have some more

[Chorus x2]

survivors group

well, i woke up in the wee hrs and coudnt get back to sleep ...again. poor wesley last night i feel asleep on him when we got home...no seriously we were cuddleing and i was joking about haveing sex etc and ..then i fell aleep. a new way to blue ball? tell ur boyfreind dirty things in bed then...pass out on them. this pain crap is getting really annoying relly fast. i mean i didnt take n e pills, i was just so wiped i passed out. mind u i also didnt sleep well the night b4....

so i have my survivors group ina lil bit.... i bot hte and love this group. it makes me deal with crap and well..it is not easy. i mean i'm inna group of like minded poeple, who are just as broken if not worse and all fort he same reason... childhood molestation or even worse...rape.

i dunno what to expect today. i am kinda glad wesley works on saturdays, then, then he doesnt see me right after these groups. altho i normally unwind after group by going to the mall fer sum shopping therapy. lol. nuttin bad, just a cpl dollars i can afford ;-) a dvd at walmart or sumthing, u know? n e ways...i've got to go....

todays theme song will be posted...once i figure out what kidna mood i am in...

i'm still trying t get a handle on the relationship thing btw. i am putting up walls again...trying to keep from being hurt. and thats not good. it i a lot of work to tear down those walls over and over..... but i need to. i have to let wesley in and not block him out just cus i am scred i will get hurt like i was with frank and allan.... hell even with emily. the three closest (liveing) ppl in my life.... speaking of which...mae's death anniversary is comeing up. i need to find a way to er grave w sumbody i trust.... and most my freinds dont havecars. crap.

survivors group.... argh

I am going to a local adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse group now....

it...it brings up mixed up emotions. it was at the sugestion of mt therapist...

today, we had to do an excercise. we had to take a crayon on the hand we do NOT write with...and write a letter to our abuser(s). was supposed to be fron the little kid who was abused. the youngest one, to theabuser. was supposed to get in touch with shit and give our inner child a voice cus we never had one then.....

anyways i didnt feel anything whilst writing it...but when i had to read... thats when the tears came... and the hurt. i do not hate my abusers. that hatred took too much energy andi have long since let it go. but, i do question why....and i struggle...

then we had to take a pen and use our writing hand to write a letter to our child self....

when i read mine aloud, the response from ppl was overwhelming. they all said how powerful it was. complimented me. congratulated me. saidi shld fram it and it was inspiring.....

anyways..here they are.....

Letter from my inner child, abused at age 4

I dont know why you picked me. was it something wrong with me? why? you did things i couldnt understand. why? you stole something i cant get back. why? was it something i said or did? do you know what you did will follow me though life. you took ME away and i dont know how to get ME back.

Letter from Adult me to Child me

Little bird,

you don't need to cry alone

anymore.

there may never be any

answers.

Tiny flower,

you're beautiful.

Nothing is stolen

that cannot be

regained.

When the nightmares come, when you hear those questions know that you are loved and safe. You did nothing wrong. You are not bad. You did nothing wrong. We dont know why. It doesnt matter any more. You are safe. You are loved. They can't hurt you any more. You're free. Live,love,laugh. You are yours and you are safe.