group and an excercise

Last night I had a lot of fun. wesley approached me, asked to cxl the bbq we had planned with couple. at first i thought he was gonna bail altogether on me..... then he asked if just us two clould have a night to do nothing planned. I told him he is priority number one, cancelled the bbq with my two freinds and then he and i spent time. i was a lil upset cus i felt liek i bailed on my freinds, but given the talks i have had with them about me and wesley they understood this was much needed us time.... and it was nice... till i fell asleep on him. poor guy. i was just too wiped out...

today i had my survivors of childhood molestation group meeting. wehad to do sum more self examination shit...

anyways heres what i had to do. take the sentance and finish it. so caps is the sentance and non caps is how i finished it. i dont see how this has anything to do with my molestation...but whatever i am a good lil girl and i did it...

1. MANY PEOPLE DON'T AGREE WITH ME ABOUT... my past relationships with frank&allan

2. THE HAPPIEST DAY IN MY LIFE WAS.... my wedding day

3. WHEN I AM ALONE AT HOME I... can relax and be myself, until i get to thinking too much

4. MY BLUEST DAYS ARE... when i overanalyse, usually when i am alone

5. MY BEST FRIEND CAN BE COUNTED ON... to not be there, cus i dint have one anymore. i fucked that up too.

6. I AM BEST AT... helping others. least, i used to/ i dunno anymore.

7. PEOPLE CAN HURT MY FEELINGS MOST BY.... bailing on me or ditching me

8. IN A GROUP I AM... alone

9. PEOPLE WHO SELDOM LET ME KNOW WHERE THEY STAND MAKE ME FEEL... anxious or nervous. i need to know where u fit in my life so iknow what to expect and then i wont get hurt as much

10. PEOPLE WHO AGREE WITH ME MAKE ME FEEL... like my thoughts matter and i am not crazy/ ie validated.

11. STRONG INDEPENDENT PEOPLE MAKE ME FEEL... safe

12. WHEN PEOPLE DEPEND ON ME ,I ....try not to disappoint them and i got to do it right

13. I GET ANGRY WHEN... people try to get me to change my mind,plans, lifestyle.i worked hard to make "me" matter and its hard t make up my mind.

14. I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED... little outwardly but inwardly a lot.

15. I GET REAL PLEASURE FROM BEING A PART OF A GROUP WHEN... i belong

16. PEOPLE WHO EXPECT A LOT FROM ME MAKE ME FEEL.... good when i meet their expectations or they praise me

17. THE THINGS THAT AMUSE ME THE MOST ARE... goofy jokes/joking around with loved ones

18. I FEEL WARMEST WITH A PERSON WHEN... we can laugh or cry or goof around together

19, I FEEL I CANT GET ACROSS TO ANOTHER PERSON... often. i am terrible at expressing myself properly and clearly

20. WHAT I WANT MOST IN LIFE IS... to belong. only then will i feel at home and loved and safe

21. WHEN SOMEONE HURTS ME I... brush it off outwardly and feel it later or i blow up at them push em away from me as its best to push them away so they wont hurt me again.

22. I OFTEN FIND MYSELF... daydreaming about what was, what could have been, or what could be

23. I AM... me, and not liking this exercise right now.

so...yeah.... i am not feeling like this damn group is fucking easy right now... makes me think too fucking much. lol. on plus side..i wanna go fuck right now. on negative side, boyfriend wesley is awol. actually not awol, he is prob at home sleepingi wa ssupposed to get home at ten, and i got home at eleven forty five and he di work like from 10am to none thirty pm with only a 2 hr break so he prop is at home crashing. anyways i am still horny and no boyfriend..oh my what ever is a gal to do.

actually to be honest... i would love to have a cuddle right now, maybe a lil fooling around ok a lot of fooling around and a lot of cuddling lol. i can wait a day.... oh fuck i really am addicted to love, and wesley and wesleys penis, and love and wesleys penis, and wesley, lol....

by the way.. wesley was fucking hot before.... but now he shaved off what tiny teeny bot of fat flab he had and wow hes even fucking hotter. lol. now if i can just stay awake long wnuff to have fun. stupid pain stupid pills stupid exhausted me. lol