where do i start.... wow. well, fisrt off let me tell you some of the bad things, followed up by some good things. I like to get the shit outta the way so to put it!
Fisrt off, i dummo if i mentioned it but My father and his wife slit up. The good news is it looks like their getting back together. Good for him, bad for me. I reeeeally dislike that woman. But Dad loves her, and as such i wish him the best. But b4 they got back together, Dad had tried to commit suicide. He got so far as to leave anote w/ all his credit cards and stuff behind, drove to another city, had all his heart meds. pulled aside the road and called his cousin shianne to say hyis final goodbyes. ( over that last few mths i've found out thses details) thanks God howevewr that aunt A answerd the other end. she's a sweet 80 or 90 yr old woman who loves my dad like a son (rather then a nephew) and she talked him outta it. i found out several weeks later. nobody bothered to tell me i almost lost my father. not even my father. then again his frame of mind i cant really blame him for not calling. i can however blame my stereotypical stepmom! but blaming is not my style, too stupid. so i wont blame, besides that i've already forgiven her. I dont trust her as far as i can spit, and i cant stand the sight of the woman but i have forgiven her (actually i havent but i'm "giving it to god" so eventually i will forgive her. if i say it enuff i will eventually beliave it!)
so Dads gone to councilling and has realised he doesnt need a woman to live. and he has taken a whole new path on life! more on that later!
well, then there was christmas. man thats was hard. I hit my breaking point one night after shopping for gifts with allan. thank god he wasd there. I let it all go. I felt so alone. Mae was dead and this was only my second christmas w/out her.... her family had pretty much decided to side with frank (my ex) so i cldnt go there. my dad and stepmom had uissues to deal w/ at that point so not christmas there either. and my mother had alreadytold me earlier that summer that coming up to visit was "not a good idea" i put that nin quotes because that i litterally what she said. i felt so alone. if ever i was close to suicide, it was then. if ever i was more frustrated w/ polyamoury, it was then. not being w/ the person i loved at at time when i needed them most was heart wrentching! i fouhd myself screaming at the top of my lungs! i was shouting to god or the devile i'm not sure. i was yelling "you wanna fuck w/ me! you wanna fuck me over! bring it on! cus i dont care anymore! come on! go ahead! fuck w/ my life!" allan just held me close. told me he was never so naive as to think this christmas would be easy for me and was genuinly surprised i'd lasted this long b4 breaking down. this was about 1-2 wks b4 christmas (i bleive)
so thats sum of ther bad stuff...
here sum good.
On saturday december 1st at aprox 4pm i told allan i loved him. I've been wanting to say it for a while now, but held it in not wanting to say it too soon. we were making love and it just suddenly slipped out. i was so scared when i said it! i thought "oh no, not during sex! it it doesnt count hen! it cld be chalked up to sex talk!" but as quickly as i said it and almost b4 i had thought those thoughts allan responded back "i love you too" i was thrilled! i soared! i orgasimed right then and there! lol! dear god, if all it takes for me to "cream: is to hear "i love you" i'm in trouble! I realised thats when we were making love whas a time when i felt truly connected to allan in a way that no other person can undertsand, except allan. and that when bonded in maiing love that was the perfect tiek to say i love you. when feelings were at their purest. later that night, he slipped back into my room. and lft me a note on my pillow. it said " sweet dreams. I love you. allan"
I still have the note. it still makes me smile. that afternnon was beatiful. i can truly say wholeheartedly i am in love. head over heals in love.
i just hope hes strong enuff to love me back. I never do anything half heartedly. I give it my all. this is why it took me 7 yrs b4 i left frank. i loved frank thats much! it wasnt until about a yr 1/2 ago i fell outta love and even then i tried, i still tried.
my love is not easy. i am full of quirks, and i am strong, and my feelings even stronger. when i bond to sum1 i am "loyal" to say the least.
I tell allan often i love him. he told me on saturday i ddint have to say it he already knew it. i explained i loved speaking it. i supoose its beacause its the only time i can say it. i cant tell him anywhweres in public. i cant ell him in front of emily (not yet, she still dealing i suppose) so i guess when we're alone is when i make up for it. ilove me sum him. its been so long. loving him is like coming home. its a feeling of belonging. of longing. and of warmth. its been so long since i've felt this way. i trust him wholeheartedly. i trust ppl blindly at times and w/ allan i know its not blind. b4 we dated ( just b4) had a few "oppertunities" whereby he cld very well have taken advantage of me and i would never have once objected! but he didnt. i love him all the more for that. for restraint. for trust. for friendship. for love. *sigh* i feel so foolish, goijng on and on about alan like some school girl w/ a crush. but i cant help it. again i suppose its because i can only reallt talke about this w/ My friend in british columbia and w/ allan and thats about it maybe thats why i'm gushing! i ddint tell you the best part tho!
Christmas!
I finally figured out about a wk b4 that i could go to my grandmothers house. i felt kinda like lil red ridding hood tho. she lives litterally in the middle of the woods. clsoest naightbour is a few miples away! and she has a little 2 bed house. and she is blind and a lovely woman but loves to talk an talk and talk! i love my grandmother but i knew after 3 days cooped up ina lil 2 bed house w/ nutthin to do but talk i'd be shall we say STRI CRAZY! lol! but i was going anyways, because i wanted to not leave poor grams alone! an guess what that sneaky woman did! she told me that i'd help with christmas dinner.... no when i got there she told me i WAS COOKING DINNER! so i cooked my very fisrt christmas dinner. and if i do say so myself it was delicious and i am still puffung my chest out over it! and then... christmas day i got the best christma present i coudl ever ever ever ever have wished for.
ALLAN CALLED! and told lil ol me.... that he was CMING OVER TO PICK ME UP AND THAT I'D SPEND CHRISTMAS NIGHT AND BOXING DAY W/ HIM AND HIS FAMILY! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! lol! he's sneaky too! i had no idea! so i got to kiss him merry christmas on chsritmas day. and i got to meet sum1 very important in his life...his nana. and i got to spend christmas w/ his family and w/ his extended family too. it was just like the christmasaes i loved to spend at franks fami.ly's ... only better because i was w/ allan and not frasn k (my ex)!
i still tear up when i think about it! oh and god bless his mopther. she invited me over for boxing day (dec 26) and for new yrs day . she had gifts all ready for me and dinner too and again, i felt at home. it was wonderful!
new yrs eve was fun too. it wasnt w/ allan but still fun. my new freinds nickie, peter, and rose invited me over to their place for drinks and movies. i was drinking at 730. by 830 i was as allan and emily would say "forsnickered" ia ctually called allan to say, i'm givng my phone to nickie and peter now so i dont call you in the wee hours but i wanted to say happy new yrs and i *wisper* i love you" by 1030 i was so druk i could harldy stand. i felt kinda sick. so i stopped for a bit to eat and let the sickness fade. only frigging frig! not only did the sickness stop my my drunk went away too! how was i supposed to know that it would fade so fast! stupid irish genetics! an at that point i was getting tired and the drinks were only making me tireder. i barely made it to new yrs at midnight! lol! it was fun tho. a new life and new freinds and new love..... a greatstart to the new yrs.
and then... then it hit me. as of jan 1st i found my own apartment. i was moving out of emily and allans place and out on my own. i was excited but also scared. this would be the fisrt time in my life i was ever truly ...living alone. when i met frank (my ex) it was in hi school. mom kicked me out at 17yrs old just b4 my 18th birthday. i was still in grade 12! so i naturally moved in w/ frank. you see mom wanted me to move away w/ her and leave frank so she sold the house early and told me that if i didnt have a place b4 the closong day (march) then my stuff was going w/out me to her new home, several hundre miles away! but i backfired cus i moved in w/ frank! ha ha ha! and even when frank and i split up a cpl tiem b4 now, i alwasy had the newmans next dorr to me (litterally) and they were like familly. so i've never actually truly been on my own. nobody next door. nobody in the house. just me and my cats....
i moved in officially the fisrt wknd in january. that monday morning, my deprssion hit me hard. i could not get out of bed. i cried or slept all day. i didnt tell a soul until tuesday. allan took my hand, gave it a gentle slap (he tels me, "give me your hand." little tap. "there now dont do that again") he told me if i ever had one of those days again he wanted to know about it! i lasted another month b4 i had another one of those days. that was last monday feb 4th. i called him at 730am. he called me at 830am (when he woke up) and i managed to get to work at 3pm thanks to him. i was sevreral hr laste but i just told them i was sick and that wasall good.
these days tho, the dression days, they scare me. i hope allan is strong enuff to love me despite those days. thru the good and bad he said, i pray he's strong enuff to stand by his word.
i never knew living on my own would be so hard.
i miss his snuggling kost of all.
i miss the kids. as much as i hate to say it, i love those kids like they were neices and nephew to me!
i miss emily, joking around, helping around house, venting about work.
i miss my home!
did i just say that.... home? but my apt is home now. why doesnt it feel liek it tho....
its so strange, i've always felt so alone. even in a crowd of ppl. only when i was w/ the person i loved did i actually feel at home and not so alone anymore. now i feel so lonely. i dont need a relationship to make my life happy, but this feeling of being away from home and the ones i love.....it breaks my heart. i wish i...i wish....i wish i nwas back home with allan and emily!
but i have to do this. for me. and for allan. i have toi be strong. i have to be independant. i need to knwo i can do this.
it doesnt mean it will be easy.
it doesnt feel right. i want ot be by his side. i want o be w/ emily, sum1 i consider a dear freind! i want to be around their kids! be like an aunt or a friend to them!
why must i cry myself to sleep at night. can you tell me whne it will stop. when my broken heart will mend! i dont want to cry anymore!
i'm trying to be happy on my own. and most days i am fine, it the nights... their the hardest. coming home to an empty house. well empty 1 bed box of an apartment anyways.... as soon asoi get intot he door i slump down and the cats come over. i just sit there for a while b4 i get up and make sum supper and stuff....
i broke my hand a fe wks ago.
all the bullshit from work was building up. i have a team manager who like to push. never good enuff. push. shes hypocritcal too. a real stickler for comany policy. the policy on internet usage she like to ding me on, cus she canrt get me on anything else (except being lat from breaks) our policy is limited personl use os k. apparetnly emaileing 3 ppl at work and chking my emails for this blog on my breaks are not ltd enuff. yet she has instant messaging on her pc! which violates co policy blatantly! anyways we've been butting heads at work, then w/ all the crap from dad ( still worried about him, he ans stepmother are not quite togethr) and then w/ the bullshit of the lonliness and the frustation of trying to start up alone, and missing allan like crazy well...... i kinda got mad and really neeeded to punch sumthing...... once ina while i get like that. so i lookewdaround and saw the chair of my arm. it was supposed to be soft. or so i thought. i pucnhed as hard as i could. using a technique i learned from karate when i was 11yrs old. twist hand when punching. and look thru object. aim for beyond object. i put all my feeling in it and in my mind yelled my "ai-yah!) and ai ouch! i knew sumthing waswrong. but the pain made me feel better. the pain made the anger and lonliness and everything else go away. the pain made me feel alive. that scares me.....
i went to choir practice in pain. bu the time i got home my hand was swollen. by 1130 i had a huge lump on my hadn and it was truning pretty colors. by 1230 i almost called allan to brng me to emerg but i was worried they'd throw mw in 2se (the psych ward) or worse yet, that allan would think i was nuts..... i was in so much paijn but i bore thru it. the next day when anybody asked how i hurt my hand i told them i fell on it. the worst thing was lying to allan about it. allan never caught onto it. the luup was gone but i could harldy move. i went to see the first aid guy who told me to get it checked out. my team manager was a bitch. i asked her where the ice packs were, as ther were none in frezer. when she asked me why i needed then oi showed her my hand ( keep in mind i was typing w/ that hand too! i work all day ont the phones and i type the whole time thru a call!) she took one look and said they didnt have ice packs but that ther was snow outside i could use. and went bac to work. she didnt even blink twice.... yeah. so i went thru another day. i found ice in freezer and used a grocery bag to put over my hand. i waited 3 more days b4going to emerg. dad 4 got to take me, so i called allan. i waited 4 hr br seeing a dr. allan was w/ me right up until just b4 the dr stepped in. i fell asleep and he needed to go pee. assoon as he stepped out he said he heard the dr come in (he was nxt door in bathroom) . i hate hospitals. when the dr woke me up all i cld think was ": i gotta get outta here!" he took my hand and said...
" i dont
THINK anything is broken but if you
WANT an xray we
CAN if you
WANT ONE."
UM YEAH. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WANTS AN XRAY! i was half asleep still and allan was not there so i said no thank you. told him what i was foing for pain, ice 20 min every 2 hr and 2 ibeprofen every 4 y hr. he told me to keep it up but add 2 tyonol to the ibeprofen . i told him i type for my job, and that my hand was in pain. ( this was my way of asking if was ok to type) so he said. then dont type. i told him my job involves typing, what do i do. he said again. dont type. no dr's note to give to work. just, dont type. and that was that.
allan said it took less then 2 min.
i didnt realise what had happened until after i left emerg and was ont he way home.....
2 days later i was still in pain even after not typing w/ my hand. it was still bady swollen. so i said ebuff and went to the clinic instead of emerg. i balled my eyes out to the nurse when i told her what happened in emerg and how much pain i was in. she looked to me and said "i didnt tell you this but insist on xrays!" then the dr came in. i cried again. i told him i felt the dr brushed me off, figured i was looking for time off or pain pills. i explained iwas not looiing for pain meds, if i was why wld i wait 5 days to see a dr in emerg. and i said i was bnot looking 4 time off as again, i had taken no time off anfd was waitin 5 days b4 going to emerg. and that now for last 2 days i had not typed and was still swollen badly and in alot pain. he ddint even feel my hand. took one look and said, i want you to go for xrays 1st thin morning. i wont send you now cus you'lll be ther for hrs. can u handle the pain. to which i said till morning, sure. he gave me a drs note because my tram manger was giving me a hard tiime getting time off the phones. and i went the next morn ing for xrays.
boxers fracture. a broken bone of the 5th distal metacarpal bone. my pinkie knuckle also caved in.
yeah. 'so now i am in a splint or hard and soft cast. i ddint tell anybody the truth about my hand till last week. on friday feb 1st i told emily. i didnt know but later that night she told allan. when i dropped by sat night allan seemed kinda standof ish. kinda, piturbed about sumthin. so later on that night when his daughter asked me "whats that" pointing to my cast i said "stupidity". then later on when emily asked how my ahdn was i mentioned how i learned my lesson and wld never punch a not so soft thing again......allan looked at me and said "oh, so now you'll admit it in front of me"
i felt like crap. emily stepped out for a smoke. i told allan i was sorry, i thought he'd think i was nuts. i said sorrya illion times.
i have never lied toa allan.
i still am beating myself up. i wonder if it'll affect us. if he'll trust me as much as b4.....
i cant lie. ppl always know when i lie. the fact that nobody caught on except mindy was amazing. yeah mindy, my friend at work knew i didnt fall down. she knrew i'd hit my breaking point and that i'd probably punched sumthing hard. my boyfirend allan ddint know, and mindy did! wtf!
anyways.... allan told me he'd forgiven me. it was forgotten but i still cant shake it... i still fee guilty as all hell..... i'm sorry alen.
anyways so i am right handed i am typing left handied. (or i am supposed to anyways, right now i am typing 2 handed and ina tremendous amoutn of pain but ineeded to blog anf i'm sorry i've been typing fpor too long now i didnt ant to take 2 times as long!!!!) hopefully allan doesnt find out cus i'd never hear the end of it! i'm not hiding, i am just not telling him. oh crap... i'd betr stop, otherwise i'll feel like shoit for not telling allan sumtninh again...... my god i love thnat man, i never want to see that hurt and annoyed look in his eyes again...... when he looked at me and said "oh so now you'll admit it infront of me" i felt so smal. and scared. i knew he was annoyed. but he also looked hurt.....when we talked when emily stepped out for a smoke he looked hurt.... hurt that i'd hid sumthing like that from him...... i dont want to do that again... ever. so i'll stop typing w/ my right hand now :) man tho....hell, my pod mates at work would rag me out too if they knew i was typing right handed again! ! they finally stopped when i showed up to work in a cast. which btw i had to go thru emerg to do and my team manger gave me shit for..... i was in the fucking hospital bitch!
anyways....
so thats mostly up to date.....
so, this is the one handed bandit aka knuckes aka walks-with-wolves signing off. cus i am in pain and reeeely neeed to take a cpl tyonol along w/ my in dustrial stenght ibeprofen! lol!
