
So, Had another one of those weeks whereby I truly have a tearful revelation followed by annoying thoughts and conversations. I have been feeling sumwhat, shall we say, melancholy lately. I had a long needed conversation with Allan last night.
I am feeling as he put it... like a part time girlfriend.
True, I am. Seriously. I mean, Think about it. The only time we are ever like a couple, is well... when we are alone at my place. Dont get me wrong, i like the alone at my place part.it tends to lead to sex...lots and lots and lots of sex. What can i say, I have a very healthy sex drive.
anyways, lets just say i'm a tad frustrated. Wish i could have that happy medium, eh? In my last relationship, ie:frank, i had no sex but had the husband on the outside world. everybody knew about us, we were a cple, if i wanted to go ot w/ him to do a cpl thing like a date for bkfast or say i love you, or give a quick peck on the lips.... it was all good to go. wheen we first started dating and eeven int eh firt cpl yrs of marriage we'd hold hands in public, kiss, cuddle side by side whenever we had the chance u know... pda (w/out the get a room kinda stuff) Butthen later on we had no sex and no itimacy physically sexually or emotionally... hell not even spriritually.
Nowm in this rleationship with allan tho, I have the sex, i have the intamacy physcial, emotion and sexuall, but.... i do not have the cpuple status. I cant do the I love yous, the holding hands the spending time one on one , the cuddles, etc etc without woryring I'm going to bust oen the secret!
I also have not much time with my boyfroend. I dunno maybe I'm just clingy. Bu I liked living with allan and emily. meant i could cuddle with him every night b4 sleep. I could just talk about anything anytime, i could hang... just be toghether.
I dont get that now.
still, he';s got a whole other life to live. I'm on the sidelines.
so I talked to allan about this last night.... he is the one actually who asked me if i felt like a part time girlfriend. and i do. it was never more aparent then on friday.
friday he blessed me witha lovely surprise. because Emily was out for the night, and all the kiddies were away, he waited for me at my place after he got off work. I walked in, didnt notice his shoes, didnt notice the lack of a vase for my fake roses....i didnt notice anything till i went into the closet and there was a white rose in a vase where i usually put my stuff :) i yelled out laughing "sumbodys here! you bastard!" I was overjoyed, as i knew it meant he would be there for the night :)
it was very wonderful feeling to have him there for the night, to sleep beside him and wake up to him in the morning :) altho technically i wke up several times, as did he. what can i say, we are a cpl of insoniacs!
it was sumething i have wanted since we started dating, it is sumthin i got a taste of our first time together. but he heard the kids wake up and went upstairs to sleep in his bed. it was sumthin i experienced for a few hours a fe wks ago when his car broke down ont he way to driving me home at 4am. we got to sleep together then to, altho he had to leave at noon that morning....
i wish that coudl happen more often. him and i together, ovcernight. and i relaised, it wont. he has a home, and a fmily to go home to. its one of the rules. come home b4 kids awake.
I am not a part of this. and to be truthful as much as dream of a blended family... it may be years.
I love him. and want to be able to wait
I dunno, i guess i am just discouraged. I just fell.... on the sidelines. like #2. u know? and i dont mind persay, i mean i knew getting into this what it all intailed, i just... i guess i want more? i mean i am complettly devoted to the guy. i can be a full time part time girlfriend, tho i want more, i'll be happy with what i can get. cus i love him.
I just find i'm getting tired. and lonlely, and well.... i dunno what.
I'm always afraid that i'll always be #2. never on equal ground.
i dunno....
I'm glad we talked,and i feel better because now we did talk.... but i still feel down today.
so, I suppose i've filled that part full time position for girlfriend (with limited benifits). He has said thats not what I am.... actions speak louder then words tho. so,I'll do my part, he'll do his.

I' wont ask, thats not fair of me to ask nim.... but hopefully eventually i shall receive. I Hsave no problems with sharing. I'd never ask him to go solo.....thats would be wrong. I just dont want to be #2 all the time.