But time, new love, and Jesus heal all wounds

Monday, March 31, 2008

Wanted-Part Full Time position?


So, Had another one of those weeks whereby I truly have a tearful revelation followed by annoying thoughts and conversations. I have been feeling sumwhat, shall we say, melancholy lately. I had a long needed conversation with Allan last night.
I am feeling as he put it... like a part time girlfriend.
True, I am. Seriously. I mean, Think about it. The only time we are ever like a couple, is well... when we are alone at my place. Dont get me wrong, i like the alone at my place part.it tends to lead to sex...lots and lots and lots of sex. What can i say, I have a very healthy sex drive.
anyways, lets just say i'm a tad frustrated. Wish i could have that happy medium, eh? In my last relationship, ie:frank, i had no sex but had the husband on the outside world. everybody knew about us, we were a cple, if i wanted to go ot w/ him to do a cpl thing like a date for bkfast or say i love you, or give a quick peck on the lips.... it was all good to go. wheen we first started dating and eeven int eh firt cpl yrs of marriage we'd hold hands in public, kiss, cuddle side by side whenever we had the chance u know... pda (w/out the get a room kinda stuff) Butthen later on we had no sex and no itimacy physically sexually or emotionally... hell not even spriritually.
Nowm in this rleationship with allan tho, I have the sex, i have the intamacy physcial, emotion and sexuall, but.... i do not have the cpuple status. I cant do the I love yous, the holding hands the spending time one on one , the cuddles, etc etc without woryring I'm going to bust oen the secret!
I also have not much time with my boyfroend. I dunno maybe I'm just clingy. Bu I liked living with allan and emily. meant i could cuddle with him every night b4 sleep. I could just talk about anything anytime, i could hang... just be toghether.
I dont get that now.
still, he';s got a whole other life to live. I'm on the sidelines.
so I talked to allan about this last night.... he is the one actually who asked me if i felt like a part time girlfriend. and i do. it was never more aparent then on friday.
friday he blessed me witha lovely surprise. because Emily was out for the night, and all the kiddies were away, he waited for me at my place after he got off work. I walked in, didnt notice his shoes, didnt notice the lack of a vase for my fake roses....i didnt notice anything till i went into the closet and there was a white rose in a vase where i usually put my stuff :) i yelled out laughing "sumbodys here! you bastard!" I was overjoyed, as i knew it meant he would be there for the night :)
it was very wonderful feeling to have him there for the night, to sleep beside him and wake up to him in the morning :) altho technically i wke up several times, as did he. what can i say, we are a cpl of insoniacs!
it was sumething i have wanted since we started dating, it is sumthin i got a taste of our first time together. but he heard the kids wake up and went upstairs to sleep in his bed. it was sumthin i experienced for a few hours a fe wks ago when his car broke down ont he way to driving me home at 4am. we got to sleep together then to, altho he had to leave at noon that morning....
i wish that coudl happen more often. him and i together, ovcernight. and i relaised, it wont. he has a home, and a fmily to go home to. its one of the rules. come home b4 kids awake.
I am not a part of this. and to be truthful as much as dream of a blended family... it may be years.
I love him. and want to be able to wait
I dunno, i guess i am just discouraged. I just fell.... on the sidelines. like #2. u know? and i dont mind persay, i mean i knew getting into this what it all intailed, i just... i guess i want more? i mean i am complettly devoted to the guy. i can be a full time part time girlfriend, tho i want more, i'll be happy with what i can get. cus i love him.
I just find i'm getting tired. and lonlely, and well.... i dunno what.
I'm always afraid that i'll always be #2. never on equal ground.
i dunno....
I'm glad we talked,and i feel better because now we did talk.... but i still feel down today.
so, I suppose i've filled that part full time position for girlfriend (with limited benifits). He has said thats not what I am.... actions speak louder then words tho. so,I'll do my part, he'll do his. we'll see if this position has oppertunities for advancement to a fulltime permanant position with full benifits.
I' wont ask, thats not fair of me to ask nim.... but hopefully eventually i shall receive. I Hsave no problems with sharing. I'd never ask him to go solo.....thats would be wrong. I just dont want to be #2 all the time.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

reminder: your brain is located in your head on your shoulders... not your other head


Goin to go on a bit of a rant here sumwhat, then again thats what i usually do on this blog....having just spoken with a certain male friend i feel comfortable in FINALLY posting this. i wasnt going to until i spoke with him and i still need to post this not cus i wanna tell anybody, no on the contrarey only 1 person reads this blog and thats rare!
i just need to get my feelings out in a healthy fashion, and for me that blogging itout anonymously. well sumwhat, cus allan and Emily know my blog. they just never read it.
anyways....
I have been chastised for not talking to allan asap and waiting 2 days to talk. he on the other hand has been advised of my feelings and when we have a chance shall be reminded in more detail as i cannot talk over the phone....as the title suggests i shall say sumthing like this....
"your brain is located in your head on your shoulders and not your other head.... next time we are together i'd appreciate it is you would USE IT. NO... IS NO. no matter hat it is followed by...."
there are times when i reeeeeely dont like men.
any ways......
back to venting.....
seriously, after sat night have to deal with sum shit. as u can guess i said no to sumthing, and said sumthin was not adhered to and as a consequence i feel sumwhat.... well.... how do i put this lightly.... hurt.
but i'll get over it.
shit happens, i deal.
needless to say, i ended up getting sick over it. the thoughts running thru my mind were not good. having dated b4 ( but only ever having had full out sexual intercourse w/ two men... my ex frank and now allan) i had been involved in "other activities" whilst dating said boys. which is what they were, boys..... u know the drill.... anything cept intercourse, well anything i knew of. (am finding out that when it comes to sex in general i am quite "green" anyways back on topic....)
having been involved with other boys and other activities sometimes those boys would well.... get sumwhat worked up and as such not listen to me? no means yes? gett he drift? not rae, cus i in the end i reeeely wanted it to and was trying to be shall we say restrained sumwhat....anyways, i was usually too worked up and reeely wanting sum, and they the same and when i'd protest or move away, with a smile, well it usually wanst adhered to... perhaps i want forceful enuff. i guess i trusted too much.
I still remeber frank taking my head and shoving it down to his "other head" to get a blow job. i hated him doing that. not the blow jobs.... i LOVE THEM (apparently getting talented at it too *wink*) anyways, i hated him making me do sumthing when i was clearly not wanting to... sitting up and saying no usually got the pijt across.
"duh, i dunno crys alone..... dunh when u pull away and say no, are you just foolin.....? dunh, okay u are."
i mean come on allan, seriously even frank got that hint, and that my frends is what hurts the most!
i mean, i pulled out of the guy ( seriously, he was insoide me and i pulled back and out!) i looked him in the eyes and said "no, ..." to a cewrtain activity. oh trust me i wanted sex, but there was sumthin i was placing a "restriction on" now mind you it was said with a smile and mind you i must not have been firm enuff cus the guy didnt get the hin the second time either.
by the time he tried i third time he had me so worked up sexually i just gave in and let him ....cus i reeeeely wanted sex by then.
that is the effefct boys have had on me in the past and well thats is the effect allan had on me that night.
but the point is... he didnt respect my wishes. guy was thinking with his other head.....
i feel like a trust was broken u know? i trust this guy completely. i feel he respects and loves me and i .... welll for the past two days i struggled on my opinion of him and compared him to those boys and i myself felt.... dirty.
so i called him today. told him how i felt..... he was genuinely hurt, had no idea, and admitted he was stupid.
NO SHIT SHERLOCK.
he promised it would never happen again. i felt myself think "we'll see" ..... u know what that means. i dont trust him as much.... wishy i did, but i dont. not the way i didn. he once said he'd never do anything to break that rtust... guess what..... when i say no i mean it. and when u ignore it, it breaks my tryust in you. its not a small thing, for me sex involes complete and total trust in your partner. and lost of love. which also involes trust.
anyways, gonna chit chat more later with him..... cus i still feel hurt. told him i was better, which i am... just not fully healed.
i dunno if i trust him quite so much anymore.... how do you tell your boyfriend that without hurting him?
should i be blunt? and just say... i dont trust you like i used too. as small of a broken trust that was, it was still broken and well...made me feel ...well.... i dunno how it made me feel.
he's genuinely sorry, i mean he knows my past... he's just gonna have to "build" some of that trust again.....
i dunno if i can have sex with him again.....and i wont know until we try.... if i'm too uncomfortable i'll know it and tell him. it'll hurt him, but i have to be tru to myself..... '
i warned him there was a lot of baggage....
but damn the sex is good. fuck i'm horny all the time and having not been w/ anyone sexually for so long until my boyfriend well... i'm always "hot to trot"
so i dunno, i mean i might not feel bad ......maybe my hormones are making a bigger deal outta this then it is....
allan is so much more thena good fuck, got that? i love him. we just both have reeeely helathly sexual appetites.
but we share in more, we have genuine common intersets and spend time hanging out :) 9 times outta ten the hanging out ends with sex, but the point is we dont just have sex we do othrr things :)
its just that after sat night i just genuinely feel hurt. so much so that i ended up skipping out on work today cus i could barely get outta bed.....
i reely dont feel like goin tommorow... but have to... how else am i gonna pay the bills.....
anways gonna log off....
talk alter.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

HEARTSONGS (POETRY)

HATRED
I HATE
HOW HE DENIES
WHAT HAPPENED TO US
BY BLAMING IT ON THE CHURCH...
I HATE
THAT HE WONT ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY
FOR WHAT HE DID....
ITS NOT FAIR .
IT BELITTLES
THE PAIN I FELT.


NEW BEGINNING
LIFE GOES ON,
AND SLOWLY BUT SURELY
I'LL FORGET YOU.
SOON
THE PAIN AND THE MEMORIES
WILL DISSAPEAR
AND
LEAVE BEHIND
LOVE
LIFE
AND LAUGHTER.
NEW BEGGININGS SPROUT
FROM UNHAPPY ENDINGS.

HEARTSONGS
I SANG FOR SADNESS,
MY HEART TORN AND RIPPED TO SHREDS
IT BLED FOR YOU
ALWAYS.
I SANG FOR HOPE
MY DREAM WAS FOR US TO OVERCOME
TO JUST BE HAPPY
TOGETER
I SANG FOR JOY
MY PRAYERS ANSWERED
I THOUGHT OF YOU
HEALED.
I SANG FOR MOURNING
MY LIFE WITH YOU REACHING ITS END
IT WAS
DEAD
I SING FOR BEAUTY.
THE PAIN, DREAMS, HAPPINESS, AND DEATH
ALL OF THEM LED TO
HIM.
I SING FOR ME
MY NEW LIFE IS A MUCH BETTER ONE
I CHOOSE TO BE WITH
HIM.

Wish I'd learned this a long time ago.... I waited long enuff for you to make upi your mind, your drug or me? Finally, I decided and I took Control. And altho there are days i feel a pang of axiety and worry over my decison... its over. has been for a while now. So gald 8 mths go i left you. 4 more months and you'll be legally out of my life! SO DON'T CALL ME, I WONT WONT CALL YOU! LOL! three times i've left you.... there wont be a fourth. and two times i took you back... there wont be a third. its sad tho... were you ever mine... for a time.....perhaps. but these last yrs you were never mine.....
dont cry to me.... i wont listen anymore.

EVANESCENCE: CALL ME WHEN YOUR SOBER
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izYIO9VtjUs
LYRICS:
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.


YOU CAN BLAME IT ONE ME, I'M WILLINE TO TAKE THE BLAME. PERHAPS THE FAULT IS ALL MINE, OR PERHAPS NOT. ALL I KNWO IS... YOU CAN BLAME ME IF IT HELPS YOU MOVE ON. AS LONG AS YOU ARE GONE, I AM BETTER . AND BESIDES, IF ITS NOT ALL MY FAULT, IT WONT MATTER IF U BLAME ME CUS I'LL KNOW IT WASNT. AS LONG AS YOU'RE FREE AND AWAY FROM ME

EVANESCANCE: LACRYMOSA
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipZkZRB8a_E
LYRICS:
Out on your own
cold and alone again
can this be what you really wanted, baby?

Blame it on me
set your guilt free
nothing can hold you back now

Now that you're gone
I feel like myself again
grieving the things I can't repair and willing ...

to let you blame it on me
and set your guilt free
I don't want to hold you back now love

I can't change who I am
not this time, I wont lie to keep you near me
and in this short life, there's no time to waste on giving up
my love wasn't enough

and you can blame it on me
just set your guilt free, honey
I don't want to hold you back now love

IT WILL TAKE TIME, THE MEMORIES THE PAIN AND THE HURT... I WILL OVERCOME THEM ALL. I DONT NEED A HERO, I WILL OVERCOME IN TIME. FOR NOW, HAVING LEFT YOU AND REALISED I DONT LOVE YOU, AND HAVING FOUND A NEW LIFE... IS ENUFF.

WITHEN TEMPTATION:OVERCOME
VIDEO:
LYRICS:
Where are the heroes
In my time of need
Is my cry not loud enough
Or have they gone all numb

They just tend to stand
Out of the rain
Thinking but not acting
That they're not to blame

Falling and crawling
A fight to stand up
Memory still haunts me
In the dead of night

Over and over
I felt so small
But one day I'll be stronger
And you better watch out

I will overcome
Your violence their silence
Although,
It can't be undone
I will overcome
Knowing that I'm not the only one
I will overcome
It's the only way to carry on

Where are the saviours
Afraid of the toll
Sorry do my nine inch nails
Slash your soul

Such heroes
Throwing stones
Straight at the one
Who is standing alone

Twisting and turning
It's always the same
Truth is never honest
When you're to blame

Pushing and pulling
Never give in
One day I wish
You'll see you're not so beautiful within

I will overcome
Your violence your silence
Although,
It can't be undone
I will overcome
Knowing that I'm not the only one
I will overcome
It's the only way to carry on

Run and run
Run and run

I will overcome
Their violence your silence
Although,
It can't be undone
I will overcome
Knowing that I'm not the only one
I will overcome
It's the only way to carry on

I will overcome

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Todays theme songs

In a much better mood.... one of those LOvey Dovey Moments I like to Call... Mooshy Gooshyness...


DAVID BOWIE- NATURE BOY
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxWG1AwDk7I
LYRICS :
There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he

And then one day
A magic day he passed my way
And while we spoke of many things
Fools and kings
This he said to me:
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"

Yngwie Malmsteen - Broken Glass Lyric

LYRICS:
I paid the piper with my song
For all the times I've done you wrong
I watched the devil get his due
And I knew that was for you

It breaks my heart
Our time has passed by telling lies
I fall apart
Like broken glass on shattered ice

We gave up our love within
To keep ourselves from giving in
I know my world will always turn
When you burn, you'll live and learn

Like an intruder in your arms
I never meant to do you harm
I know my song, it will remain
All the same, I feel the pain


Kansas: Carry On My Way

video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JuWBzmewiJU

{Refrain}
Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done

Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say

{Refrain}
Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done

Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know

On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say

{Refrain}
No!

Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
Now your life's no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you

{Refrain}

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Oh blooody Heart

FEELINGS
Yum, Yum
I say
as i tear out your heart
and eat it
for breakfast...
I wonder if
this is how you feel
about me now?

I do my best to move on, and not wonder about how Frank is doing. I suppose It helped me get on knowing he was doing ok without me..... but there was always some part of me that was bothered by the fact that he was doing well. Not that i wanted him to fail, but i was just concerned that I may have gotten some things wrong. I try not to judge poeple, but when i do decide sum1 is no good for me,,, i like to think that i was not mistaken... I'd never go back to frank, but i was hoping just maybe that i was wrong about his addiction and faith...thats why i have mixed feelings about what i Heard from Johnny-he''s Mae's youngest son and freind of mine since my first days a a Christian- anyways, the news.... he told me (and almost as soon as the words slipped out i knew he regretted saying them....) he told me That frank Had decided to stop coming to church as he felt that The church was to blame for our separation, and that they had taken my side.
Funny... didnt I have some of those same ideas. I guess great minds thinks alike.... or not. Methinks this is a case of "fools seldelm differ"
It bothers me tho, rather then accept responsibility he's flung it onto the church..... not good. I'm angry about it. Sure frank, the church made you neglect me sexually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. oh and the church made you choose to jerk off to porn pics of 18 yr old gals whilst not even laying a finger on me or letting me lay one on you. oh and yes, the church made you have digusting fantasies about raping and killing a 14 yrs old kid. oh and dont foget, our pastors were the ones making you smoke pot day in and day out. Oh and yes, finally..... your church is to blame for calling me fat, making fun of me and my intersts, and yes for swearing at me, yelling and screaming at me, oh and the church put those bruses on my legs.....
i mean... i'm also sad cus this means that I was right and Frank is back into the pothead lifestyle again... or close to it. He's already said all those months ago that he never had a problem and did all the groups just to shut me up.... and now this.
Part of me wants him to Succeed, to overcome his addictions. Not for me.... but just so he can be drug free and happy! I wish that for all addicts....
Part of me, rejoices in the fact i was right.
But that makes me feel .... dirty...you know?
I know what he thinks of me, its in the poem at thebegginning. And perhaps he's right? Is that all I do? Hurt people?
I wept when Johnny told me the news about frank tho. I wept for frank. I had the feeling it was all my fault. Like if i had left My church, maybe he'd not have felt that way and stayed? I mean, I can always find another church. As a matter of fact its looking like i'm going to have to. they've taken a very firsn stance on sex b4 marriage.....i dont plan on getting married ever again, and i dont plan on celibacy sooooo yeah. I dont want to be a hypocrite so i'm considering leavng my church
I dunno, johnny kept saying it was franks choice and not my fault. I know it in my head, but my heart... keeps thinkign it.
It breaks my heart......watching sum1 spiral downward. no matter who they are. Just that watching frank do it... is worse. FRank, I hope you snap out of this. and i hope you grow up, and find sum1 to love you. I couldnt do it anymore frank. Loving you, hurt and frank.... i was tired of the pain. I was so tired....
BUt depite how he does.... I am happy. because for once, I dont hurt anymore. Not like I used to anyways. I found out love does not equal pain. I found out I can be myself, and be loved. I found sum1 i think isincridible and i enjoy making them happy.
My heart will take tie to heal. But in the meantime, I'm happy. and proud of myself. I finally had the stregnth to get away.. and stay away. I may feel bad for frank, and feel liek tos all my fault... but i'd never go back. I'm beyond that. I've moved on to better things