reminder: your brain is located in your head on your shoulders... not your other head

Goin to go on a bit of a rant here sumwhat, then again thats what i usually do on this blog....having just spoken with a certain male friend i feel comfortable in FINALLY posting this. i wasnt going to until i spoke with him and i still need to post this not cus i wanna tell anybody, no on the contrarey only 1 person reads this blog and thats rare!
i just need to get my feelings out in a healthy fashion, and for me that blogging itout anonymously. well sumwhat, cus allan and Emily know my blog. they just never read it.
anyways....
I have been chastised for not talking to allan asap and waiting 2 days to talk. he on the other hand has been advised of my feelings and when we have a chance shall be reminded in more detail as i cannot talk over the phone....as the title suggests i shall say sumthing like this....
"your brain is located in your head on your shoulders and not your other head.... next time we are together i'd appreciate it is you would USE IT. NO... IS NO. no matter hat it is followed by...."
there are times when i reeeeeely dont like men.
any ways......
back to venting.....
seriously, after sat night have to deal with sum shit. as u can guess i said no to sumthing, and said sumthin was not adhered to and as a consequence i feel sumwhat.... well.... how do i put this lightly.... hurt.
but i'll get over it.
shit happens, i deal.
needless to say, i ended up getting sick over it. the thoughts running thru my mind were not good. having dated b4 ( but only ever having had full out sexual intercourse w/ two men... my ex frank and now allan) i had been involved in "other activities" whilst dating said boys. which is what they were, boys..... u know the drill.... anything cept intercourse, well anything i knew of. (am finding out that when it comes to sex in general i am quite "green" anyways back on topic....)
having been involved with other boys and other activities sometimes those boys would well.... get sumwhat worked up and as such not listen to me? no means yes? gett he drift? not rae, cus i in the end i reeeely wanted it to and was trying to be shall we say restrained sumwhat....anyways, i was usually too worked up and reeely wanting sum, and they the same and when i'd protest or move away, with a smile, well it usually wanst adhered to... perhaps i want forceful enuff. i guess i trusted too much.
I still remeber frank taking my head and shoving it down to his "other head" to get a blow job. i hated him doing that. not the blow jobs.... i LOVE THEM (apparently getting talented at it too *wink*) anyways, i hated him making me do sumthing when i was clearly not wanting to... sitting up and saying no usually got the pijt across.
"duh, i dunno crys alone..... dunh when u pull away and say no, are you just foolin.....? dunh, okay u are."
i mean come on allan, seriously even frank got that hint, and that my frends is what hurts the most!
i mean, i pulled out of the guy ( seriously, he was insoide me and i pulled back and out!) i looked him in the eyes and said "no, ..." to a cewrtain activity. oh trust me i wanted sex, but there was sumthin i was placing a "restriction on" now mind you it was said with a smile and mind you i must not have been firm enuff cus the guy didnt get the hin the second time either.
by the time he tried i third time he had me so worked up sexually i just gave in and let him ....cus i reeeeely wanted sex by then.
that is the effefct boys have had on me in the past and well thats is the effect allan had on me that night.
but the point is... he didnt respect my wishes. guy was thinking with his other head.....
i feel like a trust was broken u know? i trust this guy completely. i feel he respects and loves me and i .... welll for the past two days i struggled on my opinion of him and compared him to those boys and i myself felt.... dirty.
so i called him today. told him how i felt..... he was genuinely hurt, had no idea, and admitted he was stupid.
NO SHIT SHERLOCK.
he promised it would never happen again. i felt myself think "we'll see" ..... u know what that means. i dont trust him as much.... wishy i did, but i dont. not the way i didn. he once said he'd never do anything to break that rtust... guess what..... when i say no i mean it. and when u ignore it, it breaks my tryust in you. its not a small thing, for me sex involes complete and total trust in your partner. and lost of love. which also involes trust.
anyways, gonna chit chat more later with him..... cus i still feel hurt. told him i was better, which i am... just not fully healed.
i dunno if i trust him quite so much anymore.... how do you tell your boyfriend that without hurting him?
should i be blunt? and just say... i dont trust you like i used too. as small of a broken trust that was, it was still broken and well...made me feel ...well.... i dunno how it made me feel.
he's genuinely sorry, i mean he knows my past... he's just gonna have to "build" some of that trust again.....
i dunno if i can have sex with him again.....and i wont know until we try.... if i'm too uncomfortable i'll know it and tell him. it'll hurt him, but i have to be tru to myself..... '
i warned him there was a lot of baggage....
but damn the sex is good. fuck i'm horny all the time and having not been w/ anyone sexually for so long until my boyfriend well... i'm always "hot to trot"
so i dunno, i mean i might not feel bad ......maybe my hormones are making a bigger deal outta this then it is....
allan is so much more thena good fuck, got that? i love him. we just both have reeeely helathly sexual appetites.
but we share in more, we have genuine common intersets and spend time hanging out :) 9 times outta ten the hanging out ends with sex, but the point is we dont just have sex we do othrr things :)
its just that after sat night i just genuinely feel hurt. so much so that i ended up skipping out on work today cus i could barely get outta bed.....
i reely dont feel like goin tommorow... but have to... how else am i gonna pay the bills.....
anways gonna log off....
talk alter.