Yum, YumI say
as i tear out your heart
and eat it
for breakfast...
I wonder if
this is how you feel
about me now?
I do my best to move on, and not wonder about how Frank is doing. I suppose It helped me get on knowing he was doing ok without me..... but there was always some part of me that was bothered by the fact that he was doing well. Not that i wanted him to fail, but i was just concerned that I may have gotten some things wrong. I try not to judge poeple, but when i do decide sum1 is no good for me,,, i like to think that i was not mistaken... I'd never go back to frank, but i was hoping just maybe that i was wrong about his addiction and faith...thats why i have mixed feelings about what i Heard from Johnny-he''s Mae's youngest son and freind of mine since my first days a a Christian- anyways, the news.... he told me (and almost as soon as the words slipped out i knew he regretted saying them....) he told me That frank Had decided to stop coming to church as he felt that The church was to blame for our separation, and that they had taken my side.
Funny... didnt I have some of those same ideas. I guess great minds thinks alike.... or not. Methinks this is a case of "fools seldelm differ"
It bothers me tho, rather then accept responsibility he's flung it onto the church..... not good. I'm angry about it. Sure frank, the church made you neglect me sexually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. oh and the church made you choose to jerk off to porn pics of 18 yr old gals whilst not even laying a finger on me or letting me lay one on you. oh and yes, the church made you have digusting fantasies about raping and killing a 14 yrs old kid. oh and dont foget, our pastors were the ones making you smoke pot day in and day out. Oh and yes, finally..... your church is to blame for calling me fat, making fun of me and my intersts, and yes for swearing at me, yelling and screaming at me, oh and the church put those bruses on my legs.....
i mean... i'm also sad cus this means that I was right and Frank is back into the pothead lifestyle again... or close to it. He's already said all those months ago that he never had a problem and did all the groups just to shut me up.... and now this.
Part of me wants him to Succeed, to overcome his addictions. Not for me.... but just so he can be drug free and happy! I wish that for all addicts....
Part of me, rejoices in the fact i was right.
But that makes me feel .... dirty...you know?
I know what he thinks of me, its in the poem at thebegginning. And perhaps he's right? Is that all I do? Hurt people?
I wept when Johnny told me the news about frank tho. I wept for frank. I had the feeling it was all my fault. Like if i had left My church, maybe he'd not have felt that way and stayed? I mean, I can always find another church. As a matter of fact its looking like i'm going to have to. they've taken a very firsn stance on sex b4 marriage.....i dont plan on getting married ever again, and i dont plan on celibacy sooooo yeah. I dont want to be a hypocrite so i'm considering leavng my church
I dunno, johnny kept saying it was franks choice and not my fault. I know it in my head, but my heart... keeps thinkign it.
It breaks my heart......watching sum1 spiral downward. no matter who they are. Just that watching frank do it... is worse. FRank, I hope you snap out of this. and i hope you grow up, and find sum1 to love you. I couldnt do it anymore frank. Loving you, hurt and frank.... i was tired of the pain. I was so tired....
BUt depite how he does.... I am happy. because for once, I dont hurt anymore. Not like I used to anyways. I found out love does not equal pain. I found out I can be myself, and be loved. I found sum1 i think isincridible and i enjoy making them happy.
My heart will take tie to heal. But in the meantime, I'm happy. and proud of myself. I finally had the stregnth to get away.. and stay away. I may feel bad for frank, and feel liek tos all my fault... but i'd never go back. I'm beyond that. I've moved on to better things
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