Ok....so, tell me this... why the hell after 114 mths of being separated would it matter to me that Frank has seen 3 women since we have separated? why do i feel hurt and so... disposable? honestly? what is the point? why?
here wassup. i talked witha good friend of mine Mae's daughter, Sarah. Sarah has stayed friends with Frank...moreso with him them me. She kinda hurt my feelings by saying to me "hope you arent doing this for a mam" one time and i just decided to let frank stay with them as froends and i wld back off...anyways.... sarah and i are starting to hang again. so, sarh tells me that frank was going to move several hours away to live out of his van, for a woman. she convinced him otherwise. thankgod!
then he talks about this gal he wa stalkign to online.... things didnt pan out there... and then there is new woaman. new woman comes with pre made family, 3 kids and an ex spouse with whom she has a peace bond against..( we dont have retraining orders up here, we have peace bonds)
yeah... so i cld care less.. tis just.... it hurts for sum reason. i mean i left him. I wold nvr get back with him...
I am not in love with him
but i do still care about him. and u know what, it took me a yr to finally leave him and right till the bitter end i was still truying to fall back in love with him and i was trying to make things work and iwas trying to stay.... but i had to go cus i was miserable and he wasnt trying and eventually u realise for u own sanity and happiness its time to go...especially when dugs, and porn and disgusting child rape fantasies and neglect and lack of intimacy are involed...
still. the fact that only after a few mths , he just picked right up and dated another woman..makes me feel soo... disposable. like, i spent a yr trying to get the nerve to leave and he spent a cpl mths getting over me? i spent a yr tryin to gte over him b4 i left
he spent a cpl mths
i yr...vs...2 mths maybe 3....
wtf????!!!!
an i that disposable. am i that, i dont want to say it... am i that much of a forgetable tossed away bit of trash!?
really... i feel so... hurt. and i dont knwo why....
i am glad he has moved on really., i mean now if he finds out aboyt allen and i i wont b scared. and now i am not afriad to bump into him, cus i know he wont try totake me back cus he has moved on...b ut then.....why does ot hurt so?????
argh!
i dont love him
i'd nvr go back. and i am over him. but ho come he took such a short time getting over me????? i feel so disposable right now....
i just want to be alone... iw ant to deal with these feelings, and i know allan wantsto be there for me... cus last night i pushed him away and he came by anuwaus god bless him... but i just, i feel so rotten and i done know why....

14 mtsh later....
i yr b4 that getting the nerve to go
it was 14 mths total b4 i started dating sum1 fromt eh time i decided to go to the tiome i left to the time i dated allan....
and 3 mths for him....

todays lyrics

To Viv, YOU'LL WANT TO ASK FORGIVNESS SUMDAY... I'll be proactive. I forgive you now. but that dont mean U can come right back where we left off.... trust is earned. I dont say what u did was right.... but i refuse to let bitterness and hurt control me so i forgive you...

Lindsey Haun, Toby Keith - Broken Bridges Lyrics
There are bridges on life's highway
But we never see them there.
Some cross troubled waters
Some don't go nowhere.
Some you wouldn't step on,
If you were trying to save your soul.
One comes with a keeper
When it's time to pay the toll.
Some aren't meant to last forever
Some are made of stone.
Some are meant to cross together,
Some you go alone.
Some the slightest wind can send them,
Crashing to the ground.
I set a bridge on fire,
But I could not burn it down.

[Chorus]
Now here I am(ooohh)
Prayin for forgiveness
And I can see you(And I can see you)
Standing on the other side(oohh)
Here I go (Here I go)
And Baby it's a heavy load (It's a heavy load)
I have crossed some broken bridges in my time
(Broken bridges in my time)

Now here I am (Now here I am)
Prayin for forgiveness (Prayin for forgiveness)
And I can see you (oh I can see you)
Standing on the other side
(Standing on the other side)
Here I go (Now, here I go)
And Buddy it's a heavy load (Baby it's a heavy load)
But I have crossed some broken bridges in my time
(crossed some broken bridges in my time)
Yes, I have crossed some broken bridges in my time.


RAY CHARLES- hIT THE ROAD JACK
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.)
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.)
What you say?
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.)
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.)

Woah Woman, oh woman, don't treat me so mean,
You're the meanest old woman that I've ever seen.
I guess if you said so
I'd have to pack my things and go. (That's right)

(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.)
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.)
What you say?
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.)
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.)

Now baby, listen baby, don't ya treat me this-a way
Cause I'll be back on my feet some day.
(Don't care if you do 'cause it's understood)
(you ain't got no money you just ain't no good.)
Well, I guess if you say so
I'd have to pack my things and go. (That's right)

(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.)
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.)
What you say?
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.)
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.)

you must me joking?
(don't you come back no more.)
what you trying to do to me?
(don't you come back no more.)
I didn't understand you
(don't you come back no more.)
You can't mean that
(don't you come back no more.)
Oh, now baby, please
(don't you come back no more.)
What you tryin' to do to me?
(don't you come back no more.)
Oh, don't treat me like that
(don't you come back no more.)
ACDC- HIWAY TO HELL
Living easy, living free
Season ticket on a one-way ride
Asking nothing, leave me be
Taking everything in my stride
Don't need reason, don't need rhyme
Ain't nothing I would rather do
Going down, party time
My friends are gonna be there too

I'm on the highway to hell

No stop signs, speed limit
Nobody's gonna slow me down
Like a wheel, gonna spin it
Nobody's gonna mess me round
Hey Satan, payed my dues
Playing in a rocking band
Hey Momma, look at me
I'm on my way to the promised land

I'm on the highway to hell
(Don't stop me)

And I'm going down, all the way down
I'm on the highway to hell

Insert Celine Dion Title here-->All By Myself

I dunno who she is anymore, But she isnt my best friend Vivian anymore. That girl, had an affair with a boy in the military (21 yrs old) for 3 mths. Dated him on and off 2 times a week for the past 3 mth behind her husband pauls back. she got caught last week, wednesday. called me cus Paul threw her out. spent wed and thurs in a hotel and moved from "making out" to full out "consomation" of the relationship with young army boy...we shall name him.... Billy.
I own a small one bed apt, with cardboard thin walls. I wa sin an accident and therefore wantedf the bed, and gave her the couch. despite not knowing Bill the Boy froma hole in the ground, despite this being the man she is leaving Paul and her 5 yr old Gabriel for.... I allowed him to stay overnight. I assumed that being a respectable person and the size of said apt and given the uncomfortable nature of the situation that i didnt have to say..."please dont have sex while i am in the next room.... so yeah ..... U know what they say about assuming....makes and ass out of u and me.
They had sex on my couch... my bedroom door wide open cus i let the cats come in and out of my room and if i close the door Fatcat will whine to be let in.
I woke up to muffled sounds which i hoped were her whimpering cus of a nightmare...and walked in on them when i went to turn the tv down and go to my bathroom... yeah...
so I laid down a ground rule. No sex with him in my house and he cant stay overnight...
But it was thanksgiving weekend so i let him stay sat night and told her he had to go back to the army shacks sun night. I spent thanksging weekend trying to get to know her new man billy. really really really hard! I mean, he was being so nice it was hard not to like the guy... except for the fact he knowingly engaed a relationship with a woman he knew was married and was not in an open marriage.... i still tried to know him!
She then pushed for him to be able to stay again.... she asked if he cld stay the nxt weekend, her on the bed with me and him on the couch. I told her i wld think on it. next day i said no. I was not comfortable with him overnight period. I also asked him not to be there when i wasnt in the apt.
i mean c'mon i dunno the guy at all. and i tried to get know him... we spent thanksgiving weekend together. I wasnt even planning on havinf thanksgiving... on a side note...
whata delicious sense of irony God has. last year my thanksgiving was cxld because of a cheating wife. My stepmother had an affair and my dad cxld thanksgiving. this yr I had thanksgiving because of a cheating wife. Vivian had and affair and as such spent the wknd with me cus she had no other place to go.
back to the situation.
so yeah.... i spent the night with emily and allen and martha for a babalon 5 marathon. I left my phone as always with vivian .... i only own a cell phone. so yeah, she had my phone and my keys to my apt all week....saturday afternoon i called her to get my phone. when i called her i said ...this is word for word , emily was htere. I did not say it in a joking tone....
"when I am not there i do not want Billy the Boy In my apt."
that wa sit. she said ok. i got my phone and left it at that.
about 1 hr ago i paid an unexpected visit home. I wanted to make sure the cats still had food cus i dont expect Vivian to care for my cats. she has been cleaning... i will give her that.
anyways... iwalk in with emily and emily's 2 girls adn what do i find.... a sleeping vivian on my sofa with... u guess it BILLY THR BOY!!!! SHE ACTED LIKE NOTHING WAS WRONG.!!!!!!!
so i said..... "viv, i will call u later but i told u her was not to be here when i wasnt here." then i looked at him and said " no offense man, but i dont know u and this si my apt."
so i dropped off the food and went back to emily's. I went to her basement and i screamed w/ my mouth covered by my hand!
I then called viv. "howe long were u alseep?" "20 min" "ok, io asked u not to have him there when i wasnt there. U r gone. get ur stuff together and be gone by the time i am home tonight. i will be late" "ok , i will have another place tonight" she said coldly.
i had better not find anything amiss in my apt.... they had better not have made any noise.... and they had better not hurt my cats ot do anything to my place.....
I just feel so hurt and betrayed.... i mean nothing comapred to paul's hurt....but i just...
i dunno this girls. she is not my best friend vivian. and i hope this younger adultering boy is worth all the bridgges she is burning...
she plans to leave her gabriel behind.... moving sevreal days drive away to be with, u guessed it... billy the boy.
so yeah...
and as for billy the boy... he is trying too hard to be nice. and wonders why everybody is so biast. i dunno, maybe cus u knew she was married made the fisrt move on her and then pursued it further... not that she aint to blame too... and paul hold sum blame too.. but billy... boy did u ever fuck up! U chose to get involved witha married woman....u knew it wqasnt open. u hid the relationship... and yeah... i have a harrid feeling u will leave her hi and dry sumtime....
i dunno..
Vivian, i love you..... but sweety.... you broke my heart, and my trust..... Goodbye my friend. Good luck with your new life. I dunno who you are.

Can i get the liscense plate of that truck that hit me... no wait, it was a Volkwagon jetta...

Um yeah.... firstthings first. Wednesday morning at 845am i was on my way to work. I live in a town that likes to call itself a city and i have to drive along a fairly busy street to get to work. as It is morning rush hour (if u can call it that!) i bike w/ my nice red 40th anniversary schwinn bicycle on the sidewalk as i deem it safer. theres nio bike lane and not enuff room at the side of the street and well i have been seen a great many times by cops who have never said anything. a tad illegal yes, but its one of the few streets the cops wont tiket you for biking on the sidewalks...
so Wednesday miorning i am on my side walkand going down a hill. i pass a jogger and was just about to go past the entrance way to a parking lot when outta nowhere this lil black volkwagon jetta pulls in. I have no time to stop completly. I must have pulled the breaks a lil bit tho, but i'll tell u why in a moment.
so in pulls the jetta and my front tire collides with his fron passenger side door. I dont remeber what happned next, I know i got up fro the ground and all i cld think was "OMG i scratched his car" followed by the thought "OMG i'm going to be late for work" cus well. i had to work at 9am and my workplace was quite letterally w/in viewing distance, a 2 min bike ride. i rmeber being asked if i was ok. i stood up picked up my bike. i rmeber the chain was off and the guard for that chain was severly bent and the handle bars were twisted almost all the way around. I rmeber askign the driver if he cld fix a bike chain, he said no. got in his car and drove into a parking spot. ther was a girl on the porch of the building who told me she saw it all and it was his fault. she even herd him say he saw the jogger adn not me. at thatpoiint i figure least the guy can do is drive me to work. " so as he was heading in i asked him. he said "where is is?" hindsight 20-20 had i not be raised a polite girl, i would have said "does it matter" but even in a state of shock polite girl i was and did not say that i simply answered "its over there"
so i went inside the blg first and i rmeber telling the front desk clrk that i had a wipe out and cld i store my bike there. then i rmeber going to work and blurting out to the fisrt person i saw " iwas just in an accident"
now at this point i felt absolutly no pain. but i know my heart was going amile a minute and several times i was told to slow down my speech.
i rmeebr looking for a supervisor. i rmeber talling him several times what happened. i refused an ambulance cus i said i felt fine, i was just shook up. i rember askign to a drive back to the place where my bike was so i cld get the lisense plate of the guy who hit meand trade info.
by then my arm started to hurt. i rmeber calling allen. he was at work. i rmeber him telling me to slow dow. i rmeber him telling me to go home and rest. i rmeber calling emily. i rmeber he saying dso u wat me to pick u up to which i said yes. by tis time i went to my surpervisor and told her i wanted to go home. she told me i needed to file a poice report cus technically the guy hit me and ran as he nvr called the cops nor an ambulance nor gave me his info. cus well, iw as obviously in shock ansd shld get chkd out.. so i called the cops and they said theyd meet in 15 min at my friends place.
i then went home to my friends place. cop came by i told him what happend about 4 or 5 ties i think cus i was blubbering on.
then he left. I got no tiket cus well he understood that street and why i was on sidewalk and it was a no fault accident. i shld not been on street. he shld have looked for me and most importantly he didnt call the cops.
afte that emily told allen i wa sstaying w/ her for the day as she told me later she told him i was "a lot shook up"
my arm started really hurting but i thought i shld ewait till that night and see the emrg if needed. i didnt want to spend 6-8hrs in emrg if not needed.
allen later admitted to me he woould have been alot more worried had i hurt myself more. the only thing keeping him not too worried is that fact i walked away.
so that night iw as going to go home but needed a new helmut so alen agreed to shop with me before he donated blood. i then admitted i needed to see a dr. so he donated blood and i teied to donate blood but when the nurse heard what happened to me she got the head nurse who said a) after this mornings trauma not a good idea to give blood, and b) because of my heart and heart surgury i can NEVER give blood....
SO AFTER THAT WE WENT TO EMERG. WA SIN AND OUT W/IN 1 HOUR! funny about that, when is ay i am coing in froma moter vehicle accident whereby i was on my bicycle... they tend to put u on a higher triage lvl. lol
saw the dr, took xrays and said i was fine just soft tissue give it a few days of ibeprofen and cold then hot therapy and sld be ok. i went back to emrg the nxt day as i walked to work and then sat down at my desk and felt pain..pure pain, all thru my back and shoulder and neck and arm. i cld not sit!
work demanded a dr's note....my bitch of a supervior struck again! i kept my mouth shut but i alsmot said " excuse me, im lucky to be walking around, i hit a fucking car on my bicycle and you want a damn drs note cus i need another day off cus i cant fucking sit down w/out pain!!!"
so yeah i went to emrg , this time seen w/in 2 hrs ( again remarkable considering it is usually a 6-8 hr wait on avaerage. yeah, we have a slight shortage of drs in out hospitals) and this time the dr told me she was gingin me thurs and fri off and asked if i had to work the wknd or holiday and i said no. she said by tuesday i shld feel well enuff to sit down and work, but i wldnt beable to to do any pilates andy tiem doon. lol. she also said that my bosy was just basically letting me know how angry it was with me and that it was just soft tissue... no bruising, no sprains no broken bones, juust give it rest and ibeprofens and cold therapy for a cpl days then hot therapy and i wld be fine.
my father was thw one who drove me to the hosp so he was the one who dropped off the drs not excusing me for thurs and fri.... he insisted on walking on. so heres my 50 yrold father (lol just dated myself didnt i? i u can now really guess how old i am), in military uniforn and says "this drs note is for dragon lady (obviosuly he calls her by her real name, i just prefer dragon lady) it is from my daughter who just got out of the hospital again. tell dragon lady this excuses her for today and tommorow and tell dragon lady ...thank you." the thank you was said as dad put it "not in a friendly tone"
dad also gave me a desciption of my supervisor and asked f that was here. when i said yes he smiled. she must have been at the front desk when dad gave them my note.
oh dad was po'ed. technically i only need to get a drs note for 3 days missed ina row. this was 2. and also i was in a mva (other vehicle accident) w/ me ona bike and walked away. wrok shld have insited on an ambulance. afterall, they are free. medicare covers them. not work, provincial medicare covers it. but they didnt.
so dad was a tad po'ed at the odasity they had to ask for a note.
so yeah, allen sayd i had a near death experience. a close call. I agree. Mae must have been watching out for me in heaven. And i must be on the Big Guys good side this week! Thank God i made it off ok and my bike did too.
Oh, below is a pic of what my bike USED TO LOOK LIKE. AS SUM SCRATES ON BOTH SIDES AND U'LL GET WHAT MY BIKE LOOKS LIKE NOW. AS ALLEN SAYS...." its earned it stripes" lol
oh an btw....
allen WOULD NOT let me break up with him. neither wld emily. i ca honestly say thats a first.... i break up w/ sum1 and they and then later their other partner say "no, i dont think so"
allen sai he loves me too much and that he is "not frank. i wont let u get away that easily. ilove you too much"
he says that it is an ultimate show of love from me to want to sacrifice me and him so that he and emily cld work on their problems. he wasnt mad at all. quite the contray he found it amusing and also found it incridible sweet and said he loved me all the more for being willing to do that for him and emily. but that both of them agree, it shldnt end.
lol
so yeah, i'm still dating allen despite a long conversation in which i tried repeatly to end it and he wld say no.
he said if there was aproblem w/ him and me, then yes of course, or if i gave him a reason other then "its for u and emily" then yes...b ut that no i want going to break upwith him just cus he an emily hit a very very very ruff patch.
emily later admitted to em she over anylise and over exagerated and that no it wasnt as painful as she made it out to be that allen and i were intimate and she wants and that things were not as bad as she made them outto be. so yeah... she even asked me not to do it but i told her i had to. afterwards she asked me not to do it again and i said ok.
so yeah... i have an indestrucatble boyfriend right now.... he will not let me destory our relationship.
i am caught betweeen saying sweet handsum man and you rotten bastard you!lol
anyways... yours truly has a new look on life and yet another thing to be thankfull for this thanksgiveing long weekend!
1)for my life
2) for allen and mines raltionship.
take care ya'll
and remeber ALWAYS WEAR HELMUTS!!!!! mine saved my brains!

yeash i sure know how to get an extra long wknd off the hard way dont i? nxt yr, i think i'll just book the time off instead of getting involved ina amter vehicle accident! and btw i'm joking, i didnt PLAN on hitting the damn car. i was aiming for the jogger. no, still joking. LOL

no talk= frustrated gal and i feel a broken heart allready

allen didnt come home as planned. emily called me bawling her eyes out on the phone. kids are acting up cus they miss their dad and were expecting him, this morning. now he wont be back till tommoorow morning....
and i havent had a chance to talk
emily now knows why i needed to talk. she said "u arent breaking up w/ him are you? cus he wont be able to handle that' and i was so tired i let it slip "well no, i'll be asking us to take a break. then i can still be his friend, u guys work on you and i'll be his friend...and maybe later date again"
i feel sick.
very sick
and i wish he'd hurry home so ic an get this overwith....and so emily cld have allen home and feel bttr and work ont heir relationship.
I am so po'ed....he actually emails her at like noon or so and asked if he cld stay longer... when he was already supposed to be home! He prob fell asleep and woke up late....he actually expected her to drop off the rental car this morning.... sure thing good lookin....if she did that she'd be w/out the car for a day and has 2 kids! its different when he's only a phone call away, but 14hrs away.... no. so not only are the kids acting up cus he's not home today as promised, not only is emily upset cus she was so happy last night he'd be home in the morning, but on top of that i have to wait to talk annnnnd they have to pay an extra day for the rental car!
so here i am sitting the kids while emily mopes upstairs in bed..poor thing. and i suspect allen wanted to stay and extra day to try and de-stress sum more and to try and talk sum more to his friend who introduced polyamoury to them and to spend time w/ friends long since seen.....
i dunno. i just know i feel sick...
and tired...
and stressed...
and depressed....
and frustrated..
and sad.....
and just plain stupid!
hurry home allen....hurry home so i can get this dun and overwith....hurry home so u and emily can start working on you relationship....
hurry home
we all miss you
we all love you
i will still miss you, even when u are home....i feel my heart breaking allready
please dont blame emily allen... this is my idea....
she wants us to stay together.....i want u to fix u 2 b4 we 2 can continue.... i think u'll fight my decison... but its what is right....

on the lighter side

I found out the answer today to a question that has plagued me ever since i was fisrt taght about puberrty...
today i found out....
Pube hairs can go gray
I have my first gray hair today... and its a pube.......weird? lol. thanks mom, thanks dad... i always kew i'd go grey b4 i was 30. i just thought it'd be my head hair not my pubes...lol
oh well.. the head hairsd are next,, i prob have a few already they r just hidden by the dye :) lol

I can't beleive I'm going to do it....

Emily and allan have hit a terrible point in their relationship. This summer has been too much.... allan and emily lost a friend to suicde one month, the next month they lost allens grandmother who he was really close to (to a hip replacement) then after that i started taking panic attacks and then after that they lost allens aunt to sum unknown virus or sumthing ( put her in a coma and killed her) and then on top of that emily lost a co worker to cancer ( 2 wks.... fnd out then she died)
all that stress put a wedge between them and the stress was so much. allen started leaning on me more and more and emeil felt he leaned on her less and less. and he felt she leaned on him less and less. emily felt alone. eventullayy she became depserate for companionship in polyamoury and broke a previosuly discussed thing and well... went after and open relationship (sex &no love ) with a married man whose wife didnt know. then hid it from allen.twice allen found out cus he snooped in chat logs twice. so well... 2 trsusts broken ( hers being the greater) and well.... now they need marriage councilling. she barely talks to him. he doesnt know what to think. she feels guilt ridden.
and they have lost trust in each other..... so
u ask how do i fit in...
I dont
I always told myself if they relationship faltered i'd step back if their relationship was in dire straights. always put emeily and allen first.
I knew things were getting bad. said to allen a few times in the last mth or so that i wld back off if needed... he alwsy had the same reply " I love you for offering sweetness but its not fair to you,. its not your place to have to do that"
now its to the point where they arent intimate w/ each other... yet allen and i are. and that hurts emily. and allen doesnt know why he is that ways w/ me and not her. and on top of that what hurts emily hurts me....
she is my friend.
so come saturday i've asked for a heart to heart with allen. I'll break things off with him. either until he and emily are ok and if still want to pursue poly or.... permanatly.

God ,
i love him.
So much.
this breaks my heart....
why does this kind of decision
always fall on me?
i have to be strong.
i have to be responsible
i haveto think of others
i come second.
when, will i be first?

i am frustrated, broken hearted and well..... depressed. I love him. with all my heart, i really do want forever with him..... i want to be a part of a blended family. i want to love him, and i dont care if he love others.... i truly truly love him....
and i know both he and wolfie say the same thing... u dont need love.... but i... well... i disagree. love is about needing. u can of course go on, u can have happiness w/out love. but our hearts were made to love. made to love our God and made to love sum 1 else, a kindred spirit. a sopulmate. and when u dont have that lovei dont care who u are u have sum part that incomplete. think about it. Nuns love god and become "brides of jesus" the devote and love him only... they need to love him. they cld leave and live happy lives but sum part wl always want to love him, jesus.
well on a smaller scae not only do we all need to love out own God... we need to love our soulmate.
i dunno.... i make no sense... sorry..
i just beleive part of living loveto its fullest is finding and embracing love with another person
u can be happy w/out it but we still need it... nomatter how happy we are....

i will go on, i will be happy
but i will always feel a certain part of me got left behind when i end things with allen....

we'll see how i feel this wknd....