Emily and allan have hit a terrible point in their relationship. This summer has been too much.... allan and emily lost a friend to suicde one month, the next month they lost allens grandmother who he was really close to (to a hip replacement) then after that i started taking panic attacks and then after that they lost allens aunt to sum unknown virus or sumthing ( put her in a coma and killed her) and then on top of that emily lost a co worker to cancer ( 2 wks.... fnd out then she died)
all that stress put a wedge between them and the stress was so much. allen started leaning on me more and more and emeil felt he leaned on her less and less. and he felt she leaned on him less and less. emily felt alone. eventullayy she became depserate for companionship in polyamoury and broke a previosuly discussed thing and well... went after and open relationship (sex &no love ) with a married man whose wife didnt know. then hid it from allen.twice allen found out cus he snooped in chat logs twice. so well... 2 trsusts broken ( hers being the greater) and well.... now they need marriage councilling. she barely talks to him. he doesnt know what to think. she feels guilt ridden.
and they have lost trust in each other..... so
u ask how do i fit in...
I dont
I always told myself if they relationship faltered i'd step back if their relationship was in dire straights. always put emeily and allen first.
I knew things were getting bad. said to allen a few times in the last mth or so that i wld back off if needed... he alwsy had the same reply " I love you for offering sweetness but its not fair to you,. its not your place to have to do that"
now its to the point where they arent intimate w/ each other... yet allen and i are. and that hurts emily. and allen doesnt know why he is that ways w/ me and not her. and on top of that what hurts emily hurts me....
she is my friend.
so come saturday i've asked for a heart to heart with allen. I'll break things off with him. either until he and emily are ok and if still want to pursue poly or.... permanatly.
God ,
i love him.
So much.
this breaks my heart....
why does this kind of decision
always fall on me?
i have to be strong.
i have to be responsible
i haveto think of others
i come second.
when, will i be first?
i am frustrated, broken hearted and well..... depressed. I love him. with all my heart, i really do want forever with him..... i want to be a part of a blended family. i want to love him, and i dont care if he love others.... i truly truly love him....
and i know both he and wolfie say the same thing... u dont need love.... but i... well... i disagree. love is about needing. u can of course go on, u can have happiness w/out love. but our hearts were made to love. made to love our God and made to love sum 1 else, a kindred spirit. a sopulmate. and when u dont have that lovei dont care who u are u have sum part that incomplete. think about it. Nuns love god and become "brides of jesus" the devote and love him only... they need to love him. they cld leave and live happy lives but sum part wl always want to love him, jesus.
well on a smaller scae not only do we all need to love out own God... we need to love our soulmate.
i dunno.... i make no sense... sorry..
i just beleive part of living loveto its fullest is finding and embracing love with another person
u can be happy w/out it but we still need it... nomatter how happy we are....
i will go on, i will be happy
but i will always feel a certain part of me got left behind when i end things with allen....
we'll see how i feel this wknd....
1 comment:
hang in there little one.
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