But time, new love, and Jesus heal all wounds

Monday, May 18, 2009

Uhura is cool :-) and hey i have 90% for being deanna troy :-) also cool... BUT I HAVE 90% OF BEING AN EXPENDABLE RED SHIRT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ALWAYS THE RED ONES!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Your results:
You are Uhura
































Uhura
100%
Deanna Troi
90%
An Expendable Character (Redshirt)
90%
Chekov
60%
Beverly Crusher
55%
Data
49%
Leonard McCoy (Bones)
45%
Mr. Scott
40%
Will Riker
40%
James T. Kirk (Captain)
30%
Jean-Luc Picard
30%
Spock
25%
Mr. Sulu
25%
Worf
25%
Geordi LaForge
10%
You are a good communicator with a
pleasant soft-spoken voice.
Also a talented singer.


Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Test

annnnnd soooo... anyways

ummm yeah... still no ground on what i want or what he wants....me and allan that is... yeah....
grrrrreat...

see this sie xactly why i wanted a break. but i couldnt stand causing him pain.....i mean i can liv without love, i can live without happiness.. i can live without allan.... but cauing him that much pain was unbearable! i never woudl ever kill myslef over a guy but i was actually contemplating hurting myself becaus eiw as causing him poain... not cus he was gone, but because i was causing hij pain.. and all i cld hear were his words "i fought for you and all i could see was his painfull hurt eyes...a nd it was kilg me insode... i wept for hours, i never want to cause him that pain again... ever!
but by the same token.... i hate pretending lie this was all nttin...
i keep hearing from ppl to live int he here and now. that my reason for being unhappy bout this potential thirdsand all the issues it cld cause is that i am focusing on the future and not on the here and now...
thats great guys but...
i havce been focusing on the here and now
and look at what it has gotten me...
i ned to think about the future, and i agree that you cant start off thinking of hwre a relationship will or wont go.... but ata certain point... you kinda need to quetion that and well... it has been almost 2 yrs....
i knwo i dont always want to be living on my own... i can live on my own, but it isnt what i want. i want the "honey i'm home and i love you now lets have supper together and watch our favourite shows together then cuddle and fall asleep on the sofa..."
i dont want... "oh hey it is thursday night, my night w/ allan from 9pm to 2am and oh hey its sunday my other night with allan from 11pm-2am"
i want more...
and also i dont want to have to copromise morethen i have. in everything i do, in everything iw ant to do, i need to consider allan and emily.... and i am not bitter about this. i dont mind it. i adapted, i changed... but well.... i dont want to do thet with another person! ever! and you can;t tell me that i wouldnt have too... perfect example... thursday night, emily is feeling uber lonely and misses allan. i ask allan to go hom instaed of come here.... granted he had to work late and went home anyways because it was late... but still.... point is it was urnight and sumthign came up whereby his other parttner needed him emotionally....
so i ask this... what happens if he is seeing anotherwoman and well same thing happens there... i gihave to give up my lil tiem with hm so he can be ther efor her.
i dotn mind that, ok. i was pissed off at emeily for thursday night... only cus she and i were chatting online and she kept going ona nd on and i fely like i ewas being made to feel guilty for anting time alone with allan....thats rare i get mad at her liek that....but i knwof or a fact that if there was anotherwoman.. i would get made liek that any time i had to sacrifice...
i eman i dotn liek calling him because i am worriedabout him being out with emily or hi with another woman and i dont want to interupt.... but what ifi i need him?
another scenario... friday night i woke up at 4am to screams just below my window. a woman was screaming like bloody murder "help me! helllllp!" i had to call the cops.... after that i was terrified....all iw anted to dow as to call allan and have him over here to mae me feel protected. but i didnt call him.... i needed him cus i was terrified and i didnt call him. because i rembered this was his only night alone with emily and no kids in a loooong time.
again... i dont f eel btter about that.... but i would, if another woman was in the picture...
i'm already strecthed to my limits... i cant go any farther....
you know what i actually contemplated this weekend??? i actually contemplated dating another man.... yeah. i contemplated being poly. but it was not for the right reasons.... you cant be poly in order to fill avoid that is in yer relationships.... thats wrong. fix ehats wrong... dont fill it w/ sumbody else....
and you knwow hat esle i am terrifiedof.... that allan will choose to change himself for me. that wrong. not romantic. wrong. i dont want him to change for me.... i cant handle that. i do want to make sure we are ont he same page tho. and i do want to makke sure he wants what i want.... not cus it is what i want but cus i want to make sure we both wat the same thing...
and here when "livin gin the here and now " is flawed.... allan had his wife, kids, house.... i dont. he has everything he wants even if all his other poly realtionships fail... he hasthe bare basics of what he wants... ther eis no reason why he cant live int eh here and now.
i dont have it .... if i live in the here and now and dont consider the there and then at sum point along the road... i'm gonna fine that ive been living inthe here and now so long... i have lost my htere and then....
make sense? iknwot hat soudns hars but i dunno hopw else to say it.....

so about the here and now... right now i feel liek i am in limbo.... i lvoeallan so very very much. whe he and i took that break i felt liek my heart was missing. and if elt like i was hurting myself by hurting him.... i litterally felt pain at causing him pain... but right now.... i just... i knowthis will take time... and i'll give him time... i eman i pretty much know 90% that i cant handle any other women....
i dont want this to be about him me and nobody lse but emily.... no. i just want him to relaise that i ma have reached my limits and well.. if what hewants and what iw ant dont mesh... weneed to end this.
we have talked about this since last week.... thursday we didnt meet up and last night was a quality time night.... movies tv cuddles... sleeping...no sex. i kidna admit, i like dthe no sex. let me knwo that it isnt all about sex, sex is just icing on the cake... dont get me wrong tho... i did miss the sex, just was happy to knwo thatw e actually cld manage to get thru one night of no sex.... whch i scary considering sicne i moved out we have nvr been able to do a no sex night...

i guess what this allboils down to is i am confused. lonely, scared. and well... lost.....i love him so much. but i never ever want him to change for me. i a am scared that no matter what he says, ythat i wont bel;eive him...
i dont want himt o change foe me.... i justw ant him to relaise what he wants...to think of the big picture.... and then comapre notes w/ my big picture and see if they meet... cus if they dont...well i dont even eant to think on that....

dear god i lovehim so much.... i dotn change for him... but i never would have conmsedered and open or poly relationshiop b4 he came along. i have a nasty habit of fallin in lvoe with the guy and then considering the realtionship and what the details are later.... i "see where it leads" the when it actually leads sumplce then i consider the relationship and all the quirks. i knew iw as atracted to allan. i wanted to see what that would lead to. would it be a fling, a summer romance, short term. or long term...... an you never knwo till you try.... and truth is... if allan wants that too, who am i to take thata way from him? who am i to be the one who takes that away from him. because if he chooses to never see another woman except me and emily, i would feel likt i took that way from him.... if he chooses to imply not loose me... that wrong. but if he chooses because he wants it, that he doesnt want to see anybody else.... thewn thats ok... cus it is his choice for him and not for me....
he says i take away his choice by saying it is wrong to choose to change for me . ok , but he alwats says "to thine own self be true" how in the hell are you being tru to yourself, if you change yourself for love. and as powerful as love is, it is reduced toa superficial thing if we change ourselves merely t keep love....

just my thouhts......

weird.... i know


chow!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

thinking

the trees leaves have gone
from delicate buds
to full bloom.
another season has come
and gone
spring makes way for summer.
and altho i look forward
to warm sun
and cool summer nights
sumthign in me longs
for the srping
to stay


i have once again written sumthing and have no idea what that one means......seriosuly...if i think on it now, i think it has to do with me and my life and allan and i dunno.... a sense of ineveitable change combined witha sense of regret and loss....
yeah...maybe thats it....

Monday, May 4, 2009

the marvelous magician cries alone and her most spectacular trick...

yes, come one come all and see the marvelous migician cries alone perform he most famous trick.... the disappearing reappearing relationship.... akak the on again off again relationship...akak crie alones specialty fucking things up then making them up again....

bear in mind this trick was performed w/ frank and now with allan
sooooooooooooooooooooo
heres the set up for this installation of the trick

allan, had the thought he may he might possible want to see other women side me and emily.
me all along these almost 2 yrs has thought that was ok.
afterall he is poly
and i was and still am fine with emily....
why wouldnt i be fine with sombody else.
right?
ba na naaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
wrong!

allan meets a girl, says she is attracted to him...
he is attracted to her
doesn neccessarilly want to date her... but begins to
wonder
ponder
and consider
.....
a third!

ooooooooooooooooooooooo.....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

enter the magician and the sidekick.....

allan ahs know this for a few weeks
finally at emilys urging he decided to tell cries.
he meets up with her for their usual thursday date...
goes for a walk
a talk
then
goes to see a movie
movie lasted till 230am.
just as he walkes her to her door to kiss her goodnight... he tels her
"this person said tey were attracted to me. i'm attracted to her. i am takign things incredibly slow. she doesnt know i am poly. and i dont knwo if i want to date another woman. i am considering if i have the time etc to spend and see another woman"
hello allan, you've just dropped a hiroshima esque bomb on cries lap!
she is shiocked.
stupified
mortified
scared
stressed
and well lost
cries tells allan on friday may 1st she is scared. this has blown her away. she has never thought i would eb aproblem, but it is. she doesnt knwo why but it is.... it is unusual to say th least as she has no problems w/ emily why awould any other not be ok?
allan needs to leave the conversation. agree to talk on may 2nd.

beginning of trick

allan and cries talk for 4 hrs on saturday
cries tell allan... she needs him to think about what he wants
allan tell cries she needs to hink what she wants
cries... asks for a break. explaining that if she decides she cant handle a 3rd or a 4th or whatever... and if he decides he does want the possibility of more....
then
they are thru.
and she says they need a break.
just friends
allan fights, doest want it.. then because she says she needs it.... not wants, needs....he agrees..
tada!
the relationship has disappeard!!!!!
audience applause please....

enter the after math of trick
cries i lost. alone. tied talking to blogger firends, to online friends, to emily, to best friends....still lost
cries keeps hearing allans words in her head and sees his hurt eyes.....
"i fought for you!!!!!" reffering to when emily asked him to end it with cries....
criesis devastated...
she has now lost two loves in her life....
what is wrong with her?
she is so in love and so very hurt.
she just wants to know what he wants and what she wants and make sure they meet....
the thought has thrown her fer a loop. she didnt knwo she felt this way.
so many things to consider...
she is lost already in this relationship, brining sumbody else in wld make her even more lost
cries wld have to strech herself out more emotionally .....consider the thirds persons needs and desires and adapt her needs and desires accordingly.
cries feels she has already adpated enuff.
cries is deciding to take a stand.
for her
no more
this si ridiculous. 'she didnt fele this way b4 but she does now.

45 minutes later
she regrest her decison she made on friday b4 they talked on saturday....

may 3rd come salong
cries is now practically catatonic. nothing matters. nothing is here. all is pain. love is lost. all her fault. allans wrods keep rining in her head..."i fouight for you" and she keeps seeing those hurt eyes!
that night.... all alone... nobosy to talk to in detail....cried contemplates hurting herself....
she tinks " that balcony is only 2 floor... i wld survive that, i'd get hurt tho" and "gettign drunk wld be so nice now" and "i shld just call in work sick.....stay in bed. nvr get out...."
cries calls a friend.... asks them to come over. amke sure she doesnt do anything.
at this point...cries has had maybe a grand total of 6 hrs sleep in 3 days......

eneter the surpise show

may 4th.
cries misses allan liek she misses her heart. still no word from friends. very alone.
cries.....texts allan. asking him to come by to talk...
allan....agrees!
they talk. it is 1230am.
cries explains her reasons for the break were good at heart. to take allan out of her deciosn and her out of allans decision
cries pours her heart out... explaining her feelings of insecurity, of emotional strain, of life complications, of not wanting allan to chng his beleifs for her and vice versa....
allan and cries cuddle

cries cries
allan holds
cries and allan.... aggree to end the break

TADA rlationship reappears!



fucked up? fer sure. i still dont knwo if this will work.... i have a feeling he'd chng for me and i dont knwo how to make sure he doesnt....
i am scare dhe'll do that.....or that he wont understand that for me.... this is most likely not a temporary decions... when i decide i can only strewetch so far....that is it. no more
ever.
and i am scred that i will decide this is all i can strech and that he....will one day ask me to strecth and i will say no and then... we are right back here

i feel like crud....for hurting him so badly.
he forgave me
i forgave him
vut still hurts
we arent fixed....
but we arent appart....

well at least now i can sleep!

i'm dizzy.....
this si hard ont he head! i gues it is better to decide togethrt thru talking then to separate decide then separatr or come back together....



i still dont know....how this will work.....
but at least....we will figure this out together...if we must part ays, so be it.... but for now... we will talk....

Sunday, May 3, 2009

stuff

if anybody wants to know how i'm feeling.... here it is...

I m going 2 smile & make u think I m happy, I m going to laugh, so u dont C me cry, I m going to let u go in style, & even if it kills me - I m going 2 smile


i saw this on facebook and knew it applied. in more ways then one. cus well, i havea secret boyfriend...which makes anything that happens to us... a secret. i can't show how i feel
and how i feel is i want o crawl into bed and stay there for days on end.... i want ot take a leave of absence. i wan tto move to another proveince and be with my mother and pay off my debt and start all over agin. but most of all....
i wanto be with him
here
i feel happiest with him
and when i am not with him.... when ...when i might not be with him... i want to run away.
dont worry i wont kill myself over a guy. but i may move away to a whole new city .... very tempting....


more theme songs

more theme songs for what has happned these last few days....
i can't write it yet...
it is all so surreal and hurts..
i dont even know
how it will turn out.
needeless to sasy,
i found sumthing out
about me...
i didnt know it before...
and now, t
here is a price to pay.
and i have to wait.
it all on you
my angel in disguise.
you have to decide
what do you want
and it cant just be me.
and i am so scared,
cus i know
your beautiful soul
and i know
but i can't say it...
i wont...
not yet
i hope never.

i dread to say.... i dont want to say ....but i may have to because, i have found out sumthing of myself. and it doesnt mesh with your beautiful soul allan.....and it tears me apart to say it...cus i thought we were such a perfect fit...poly and all.... and i thought i was fine with it all.. and i am not and i am so sorry....i know u said u thiought we werwe a perfect fit too... dear god, why?!!!!!!
i'm sorry mon amour. i am so so sorry...

JAMES BLUNT: GOODBYE MY LOVER
LYRICS:
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.






and also....
WITHOUT LOVE I WILL SURVIVE... but, the sentiment of this song is how i am feeling right now...I feel hurt.....
INCUBUS: LOVE HURTS
LYRICS
Tonight we drink to youth
and holding fast to truth
don't want to lose what I had as a boy
My heart still has a beat
but love is now a feat
as common as a cold day in LA
Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing
Love hurts
but sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like i'm alive
Love sings
When it transcends the bad things
have a heart and try me
'Cause without love I won't survive
I'm fettered and abused
Stand naked and accused
should I surface this one man submarine
I only want the truth
So tonight we drink to youth
I'll never lose what I had as a boy
Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing
Love hurts
but sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive
Love sings
When it transcends the bad things
have a heart and try me
'Cause without love I won't survive
Without love I won't survive
Love hurts
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive
Love sings
When it transcends the bad things
have a heart and try me
'Cause without love I won't survive
Love hurts, oh
Love hurts
Without love I won't survive
Love hurts, oh
Love hurts
Without love I won't survive

and this one too...
NAZARETH: LOVE HURTS
LYRICS
Love hurts
love scares
love wounds and mares any heart
Not tough nor strong enough to take a lot of pain
Take a lot of pain
love is like a cloud
holds a lot of rain.
Love hurts
love hurts
I'm young I know but even so
I know a thing or two I've learned from you
I've really learned a lot
really learned a lot.
Love is like a stove
burns you when it's hot.
Love hurts
love hurts
some fools rave of happiness
Blissfulness
togetherness
some fools fool themselves
I guess
But they're not fooling me I know it isn't true
No
it isn't ture. Love is just a lie made to make you blue.
Love hurts
love hurts.
Love hurts
love scares
love wounds and mares any heart

more theme songs

this dont fit me and allan persay, but the sentiment does..in spite of ourselves....againt all odds...there wont be nuttin but big ol' heartsa dancin in our eyes, in spite of ourselves.....
i hope.

JOHN PRINE & IRIS DEMENT
IN SPITE OF OURSELVES
VIDEO HERE
LYRICS:
She dont like her eggs all runny
She thinks crossin her legs is funny
She looks down her nose at money
She gets it on like the easter bunny
Shes my baby Im her honey
Im never gonna let her go

He aint got laid in a month of sundays
I caught him once and he was sniffin my undies
He aint too sharp but he gets things done
Drinks his beer like its oxygen
Hes my baby
And Im his honey
Never gonna let him go

In spite of ourselves
Well end up asittin on a rainbow
Against all odds
Honey, were the big door prize
Were gonna spite our noses
Right off of our faces
There wont be nothin but big old hearts
Dancin in our eyes.

She thinks all my jokes are corny
Convict movies make her horny
She likes ketchup on her scrambled eggs
Swears like a sailor when shaves her legs
She takes a lickin
And keeps on tickin
Im never gonna let her go.

Hes got more balls than a big brass monkey
Hes a wacked out werido and a lovebug junkie
Sly as a fox and crazy as a loon
Payday comes and hes howlin at the moon
Hes my baby I dont mean maybe
Never gonna let him go

In spite of ourselves
Well end up asittin on a rainbow
Against all odds
Honey, were the big door prize
Were gonna spite our noses
Right off of our faces
There wont be nothin but big old hearts
Dancin in our eyes.
There wont be nothin but big old hearts
Dancin in our eyes.

theme songs

RISE AGAINST: GIVE IT ALL
VIDEO HERE

LYRISCS:
Break through the undertow, your hands I can't seem to find,
pollution burns my tongue, cough words I can't speak so I
stop my struggling, then I float to the surface,
fill my lungs with air, then let it out
I give it all, this is the reason why I sing,
So give it all, 'cause it's these reasons that belong to me
Rock bottoms where we live, and still we dig these trenches,
to bury ourselves in them, backs breaking under tension
For far too long these voices, muffled by distances,
it's time to come to our senses, up from the dirt
We give it all, this is the reason why I sing,
So give it all, it's these reasons that belong to me
Breathe (breathe), the air we give (give), the life we live (live), our pulses racing distances,
(breathe) so wet my tongue (give), break into song (live), through seas of competition
So please believe your eyes, a sacrifice,
is not what we had in our minds,
I'm coming home tonight, home tonight
We give it all, this is the reason why I sing,
So give it all, it's these reasons that belong to me
Today I offer all myself to this I'm living for my dying wish,
I give it all, now there's a reason, there's a reason, to give it all

THE OUTLAWS
GREEN GRASS AND HIGH TIDES
VIDEO HERE:
LYRICS:
In a place you only dream of
Where your soul is always free
Silver stages, golden curtains
Filled my head, plain as can be
As a rainbow grew round the sun
All the stars I've love who died
Came from somewhere beyond the scene you see
These lovely people played just for me
Now if I let you see this place
Where stories all ring true
Will you let me past your face
To see what's really you
It's not for me I ask these questions
As though I were a king
For you have to love, believe and feel
Before the burst of tamborines take you there

(chorus)
Green grass and high tides forever
Castles of stone souls and glory
Lost faces say we adore you
As kings and queens bow and play for you

Those who don't believe me
Find your souls and set them free
Those who do, believe and love
As time will be your key
Time and time again I've thanked them
For a piece of mind
They helped me find myself
Amongst the music and the rhyme
That enchants you there

Saturday, May 2, 2009

f-in shit...another bomb...grrrreat.....not!

i feel like i got hit by a car today. and trust me, i know how that feels..... remember october, me on my bycycle colliding witha volkswagon jetta... yeah welll right now i feel like i got hit by an emotional jetta!
got sum stuff to talk about
not looking forward to it
got a frikking bomshell dropped on me (figurativley) on thursday night at 230am...
stayed up till 5am
woke up at 7am
worked at 9am
well, worked till 1145am. at 1145 am i had my first break and well.. walked outside, sat ina friends car and broke down. cried for about 20minutes. then sent poor friend into work to tell manager i was outside crying and when i felt "presentable" would be in to see hr lady....
i went home. hr lady said, family issues -not sick, sending you home as no shape to work.
even paid for my cab home
so yeah....
talked to allan for a cpl hours
then emily
allan was supposed to talk to me after emily but he fell asleep...
s'allright. i asked em to tell allan we will need to talk tommorow....

so yeah...

i'm not looking forward to this talk...

fyi...why am i breaking down u ask?
welll, lets just say i've been questioning this relationship fer sum time. where is it going? what is our future?
and now well..
allan says a gal has admitted she is interested in him
she doesnt know poly
allan is contemplating telling her. contemplating friendship. contemplating if he wants a #3 girlfriend. contpemplating if he does, how would that work.
he is contemp[lating
he also kept this from me for well.. about a mth according to emily
emily pushed and puashed him to tell me
whata great fiend she is! i love that girl like a sister!
anyways.. he told me. at 230am. just as he was leaving. couldnt stay to talk, said he had to work.
i couldnt process it.
w/in 10mins of him leaving i hit emotional breakdown.
nobody to talk to
so yeah.
he adits how he told me was wrong. says it all happened around my b-day and didnt want to tell me it on my b-day.
turns out, happened 4 my b-day.
he says it just nvr came up. he was trying to bring it up
i say, you tell me. u make time bring it up. practice what u preach. u tell me to make time to tell u, not bottle. why he does it then? and to boot...jut cus u dont tell me sumthing, doesnt mean it is not dishonest..... you are hiding sumthing. why hide unless u are afraid of the reprocussions or sumthing..
and ther are reprocussions. cus this whole thing, made me realise sumthing about myself and what i wanted out of this relationship/
we sre 4 mths shy of 2 yrs.
so for about 2 yrs when i've poked and probed and asked and joked about him seeing another woman..he has said and i quote " no. emily and you are enuff'
had he told me this at 6mths in, b4 i got serious..different. but after 2 yrs of telling me he isnt going to see anybody else...thena lla sudden he is contemplating it.
it isnt whehtewr or not he sees this girl. it is he is contemplating it and well.. if itisnt her, it'll be sumbody else.
and i can't do that.
i can share him w/ emily. yes. i am not jelous or anything of her and him.
but another woman.... i can't do it. it is too much. ther is too little of him and me now.


s0oooo yeah.. i'll keep you posted....
not looking frward to a talk...
he's hurting i know
and i'm hurting
and emily is helping me thu this....