annnnnd soooo... anyways

ummm yeah... still no ground on what i want or what he wants....me and allan that is... yeah....
grrrrreat...

see this sie xactly why i wanted a break. but i couldnt stand causing him pain.....i mean i can liv without love, i can live without happiness.. i can live without allan.... but cauing him that much pain was unbearable! i never woudl ever kill myslef over a guy but i was actually contemplating hurting myself becaus eiw as causing him poain... not cus he was gone, but because i was causing hij pain.. and all i cld hear were his words "i fought for you and all i could see was his painfull hurt eyes...a nd it was kilg me insode... i wept for hours, i never want to cause him that pain again... ever!
but by the same token.... i hate pretending lie this was all nttin...
i keep hearing from ppl to live int he here and now. that my reason for being unhappy bout this potential thirdsand all the issues it cld cause is that i am focusing on the future and not on the here and now...
thats great guys but...
i havce been focusing on the here and now
and look at what it has gotten me...
i ned to think about the future, and i agree that you cant start off thinking of hwre a relationship will or wont go.... but ata certain point... you kinda need to quetion that and well... it has been almost 2 yrs....
i knwo i dont always want to be living on my own... i can live on my own, but it isnt what i want. i want the "honey i'm home and i love you now lets have supper together and watch our favourite shows together then cuddle and fall asleep on the sofa..."
i dont want... "oh hey it is thursday night, my night w/ allan from 9pm to 2am and oh hey its sunday my other night with allan from 11pm-2am"
i want more...
and also i dont want to have to copromise morethen i have. in everything i do, in everything iw ant to do, i need to consider allan and emily.... and i am not bitter about this. i dont mind it. i adapted, i changed... but well.... i dont want to do thet with another person! ever! and you can;t tell me that i wouldnt have too... perfect example... thursday night, emily is feeling uber lonely and misses allan. i ask allan to go hom instaed of come here.... granted he had to work late and went home anyways because it was late... but still.... point is it was urnight and sumthign came up whereby his other parttner needed him emotionally....
so i ask this... what happens if he is seeing anotherwoman and well same thing happens there... i gihave to give up my lil tiem with hm so he can be ther efor her.
i dotn mind that, ok. i was pissed off at emeily for thursday night... only cus she and i were chatting online and she kept going ona nd on and i fely like i ewas being made to feel guilty for anting time alone with allan....thats rare i get mad at her liek that....but i knwof or a fact that if there was anotherwoman.. i would get made liek that any time i had to sacrifice...
i eman i dotn liek calling him because i am worriedabout him being out with emily or hi with another woman and i dont want to interupt.... but what ifi i need him?
another scenario... friday night i woke up at 4am to screams just below my window. a woman was screaming like bloody murder "help me! helllllp!" i had to call the cops.... after that i was terrified....all iw anted to dow as to call allan and have him over here to mae me feel protected. but i didnt call him.... i needed him cus i was terrified and i didnt call him. because i rembered this was his only night alone with emily and no kids in a loooong time.
again... i dont f eel btter about that.... but i would, if another woman was in the picture...
i'm already strecthed to my limits... i cant go any farther....
you know what i actually contemplated this weekend??? i actually contemplated dating another man.... yeah. i contemplated being poly. but it was not for the right reasons.... you cant be poly in order to fill avoid that is in yer relationships.... thats wrong. fix ehats wrong... dont fill it w/ sumbody else....
and you knwow hat esle i am terrifiedof.... that allan will choose to change himself for me. that wrong. not romantic. wrong. i dont want him to change for me.... i cant handle that. i do want to make sure we are ont he same page tho. and i do want to makke sure he wants what i want.... not cus it is what i want but cus i want to make sure we both wat the same thing...
and here when "livin gin the here and now " is flawed.... allan had his wife, kids, house.... i dont. he has everything he wants even if all his other poly realtionships fail... he hasthe bare basics of what he wants... ther eis no reason why he cant live int eh here and now.
i dont have it .... if i live in the here and now and dont consider the there and then at sum point along the road... i'm gonna fine that ive been living inthe here and now so long... i have lost my htere and then....
make sense? iknwot hat soudns hars but i dunno hopw else to say it.....

so about the here and now... right now i feel liek i am in limbo.... i lvoeallan so very very much. whe he and i took that break i felt liek my heart was missing. and if elt like i was hurting myself by hurting him.... i litterally felt pain at causing him pain... but right now.... i just... i knowthis will take time... and i'll give him time... i eman i pretty much know 90% that i cant handle any other women....
i dont want this to be about him me and nobody lse but emily.... no. i just want him to relaise that i ma have reached my limits and well.. if what hewants and what iw ant dont mesh... weneed to end this.
we have talked about this since last week.... thursday we didnt meet up and last night was a quality time night.... movies tv cuddles... sleeping...no sex. i kidna admit, i like dthe no sex. let me knwo that it isnt all about sex, sex is just icing on the cake... dont get me wrong tho... i did miss the sex, just was happy to knwo thatw e actually cld manage to get thru one night of no sex.... whch i scary considering sicne i moved out we have nvr been able to do a no sex night...

i guess what this allboils down to is i am confused. lonely, scared. and well... lost.....i love him so much. but i never ever want him to change for me. i a am scared that no matter what he says, ythat i wont bel;eive him...
i dont want himt o change foe me.... i justw ant him to relaise what he wants...to think of the big picture.... and then comapre notes w/ my big picture and see if they meet... cus if they dont...well i dont even eant to think on that....

dear god i lovehim so much.... i dotn change for him... but i never would have conmsedered and open or poly relationshiop b4 he came along. i have a nasty habit of fallin in lvoe with the guy and then considering the realtionship and what the details are later.... i "see where it leads" the when it actually leads sumplce then i consider the relationship and all the quirks. i knew iw as atracted to allan. i wanted to see what that would lead to. would it be a fling, a summer romance, short term. or long term...... an you never knwo till you try.... and truth is... if allan wants that too, who am i to take thata way from him? who am i to be the one who takes that away from him. because if he chooses to never see another woman except me and emily, i would feel likt i took that way from him.... if he chooses to imply not loose me... that wrong. but if he chooses because he wants it, that he doesnt want to see anybody else.... thewn thats ok... cus it is his choice for him and not for me....
he says i take away his choice by saying it is wrong to choose to change for me . ok , but he alwats says "to thine own self be true" how in the hell are you being tru to yourself, if you change yourself for love. and as powerful as love is, it is reduced toa superficial thing if we change ourselves merely t keep love....

just my thouhts......

weird.... i know


chow!