f-in shit...another bomb...grrrreat.....not!

i feel like i got hit by a car today. and trust me, i know how that feels..... remember october, me on my bycycle colliding witha volkswagon jetta... yeah welll right now i feel like i got hit by an emotional jetta!
got sum stuff to talk about
not looking forward to it
got a frikking bomshell dropped on me (figurativley) on thursday night at 230am...
stayed up till 5am
woke up at 7am
worked at 9am
well, worked till 1145am. at 1145 am i had my first break and well.. walked outside, sat ina friends car and broke down. cried for about 20minutes. then sent poor friend into work to tell manager i was outside crying and when i felt "presentable" would be in to see hr lady....
i went home. hr lady said, family issues -not sick, sending you home as no shape to work.
even paid for my cab home
so yeah....
talked to allan for a cpl hours
then emily
allan was supposed to talk to me after emily but he fell asleep...
s'allright. i asked em to tell allan we will need to talk tommorow....

so yeah...

i'm not looking forward to this talk...

fyi...why am i breaking down u ask?
welll, lets just say i've been questioning this relationship fer sum time. where is it going? what is our future?
and now well..
allan says a gal has admitted she is interested in him
she doesnt know poly
allan is contemplating telling her. contemplating friendship. contemplating if he wants a #3 girlfriend. contpemplating if he does, how would that work.
he is contemp[lating
he also kept this from me for well.. about a mth according to emily
emily pushed and puashed him to tell me
whata great fiend she is! i love that girl like a sister!
anyways.. he told me. at 230am. just as he was leaving. couldnt stay to talk, said he had to work.
i couldnt process it.
w/in 10mins of him leaving i hit emotional breakdown.
nobody to talk to
so yeah.
he adits how he told me was wrong. says it all happened around my b-day and didnt want to tell me it on my b-day.
turns out, happened 4 my b-day.
he says it just nvr came up. he was trying to bring it up
i say, you tell me. u make time bring it up. practice what u preach. u tell me to make time to tell u, not bottle. why he does it then? and to boot...jut cus u dont tell me sumthing, doesnt mean it is not dishonest..... you are hiding sumthing. why hide unless u are afraid of the reprocussions or sumthing..
and ther are reprocussions. cus this whole thing, made me realise sumthing about myself and what i wanted out of this relationship/
we sre 4 mths shy of 2 yrs.
so for about 2 yrs when i've poked and probed and asked and joked about him seeing another woman..he has said and i quote " no. emily and you are enuff'
had he told me this at 6mths in, b4 i got serious..different. but after 2 yrs of telling me he isnt going to see anybody else...thena lla sudden he is contemplating it.
it isnt whehtewr or not he sees this girl. it is he is contemplating it and well.. if itisnt her, it'll be sumbody else.
and i can't do that.
i can share him w/ emily. yes. i am not jelous or anything of her and him.
but another woman.... i can't do it. it is too much. ther is too little of him and me now.


s0oooo yeah.. i'll keep you posted....
not looking frward to a talk...
he's hurting i know
and i'm hurting
and emily is helping me thu this....