todays theme songs

Knock A Little Harder
Cowboy Bebop
Video & Music Here

Happiness is just a word to me
And it might have meant a thing or two
If I'd had known the difference

Emptiness, a lonely parody
And my life, another smokin' gun
A sign of my indifference

Always keepin' safe inside
Where no one ever had a chance
To penetrate or break in

Let me tell you some have tried
But I would slam the door so tight
That they could never get in

Kept my cool under a lock and key
And I never shed a tear
Another sign of my condition

Fear of love or bitter vanity
That kept me on the run
The main events at my confession

I kept a chain upon my door
That would shake the shame of Cain
Into a blind submission

The burning ghost without a name
Was still calling all the same
But I just wouldn't listen

The longer I'd call
The further I'd crawl
The further I'd crawl
the harder I'd fall
I was crawlin' into the fire

The more that I saw
The further I'd fall
The further I'd fall
the lower I'd crawl
I kept fallin' into the fire
Into the fire
Into the fire

Suddenly it occured to me
The reason for the run and hide
Had totaled my existence

Everything left on the other side
could never be much worse than this
But I could go the distance

I face the door and all my shame
Tearin' off each piece of chain
Until they all were broken

But no matter how I tried
The other side was locked up so tight
The door it wouldn't open

Give it all that I got
And started to knock
Shouted for someone
To open the lock
I just gotta get through the door

And the more that I knocked
The hotter I got
The hotter I got
the harder I'd knock
I just gotta break through the door

Gotta knock a little harder
Gotta knock a little harder
Gotta knock a little harder
Break through the door



Heaven (Translated from Japanese to English)
Ayumi Hamasaki
Video Here

The final smile that I ever saw from you
Was something offered to me honestly, just to me
And words cannot describe how it was beautiful
My heart was torn in two, and the tears began to fall.

That final day for us we realised
How true the love we’d found.

The journey that we took for love’s discovery
The many times we passed eachother by, unaware
That something wanted us to be together
And now I know we can believe, no matter how it ends

That this could not have come from anything
Other than destiny.

La la la ~
La la la ~

Now from the heavens into which you journey
All the stars you pass are shining down so tenderly
Upon me.

Leave me not alone, my beloved one,
Crossing over time, further out of sight
Don’t you see the days
That we have yet to share
Yes, they wait beyond the dawn
There’s a future for us there…

Leave me not alone, my beloved one,
Crossing over time, further out of sight
Don’t you see the days
That beyond the rising sun
They are waiting for us there.
Oh hear this now, my beloved one,
Here within my heart, you will keep on living
So you’ll never fade
And you’ll never have to die
For I swear that I will never say goodbye.

That final day for us we realised
How true the love we’d found.

poetry and shit

3 poems tonight....

the wolf howls at the moon
a long sorrowful sound
"wheres home?"
it yowls.
"right here"
the moon answers back.
and the wolf
now cries
for how could it ever call the moon
home?



lost and alone
i drift.
a stray.
never quite belonging.
sheltered for a time,
always let loose again.
when will i belong?
when will i feel that warm embrace
that is
home


i run to you,
arms open wide
i am patient
and compromising
and loving
and wholey yours.
i love you too much to say no.

family

I always hate it when my family and friends ask me...if i've found a boyfriend or am dating...
i dont hate that they re asking, quite the opposite... i just hate all the lieing i am forced to do.
my best friend Ruth, thinks i am dating sum guy from another city and that i am reluctant to talk about it cus i am private about my personal life now. i told my dad the same story... yeah. Allan is an "electrician" in "another city" about 45 mins away .... yeah... not far from the truth. i mean he does work for an electric company, but he is customer service taking phone calls. and for all our life together, he might as well be in another city.
my aunt just asked me if i was seeing anybody.... i am reluctant to answer her email.....
dont get me wrong, i am not close to my family. the aunt i speak of in in another province, and she and my mother are not on speaking terms. the aunt still thinks of me as the lil 4 yrs old she used to visit. it is Sweet..but she doesn't know me. we are trying to get to know each other thru emails but it is hard. especially since altho i can speak french, i cant really write french. i can read french tho. thats is easy.... but i suck at English grammar so u can imagine my french grammar!
oh sibole!!!! ma grammaire en francais est degolasse! cawliss, tabarnac et tout cette merde comme cela!
translation (not quite direct) oh frig! my grammar in french is disgusting! chalice, tabernacle, and all that shit like that. LOL, a lot of my french swear words are church related!lol
anyways....
back on subject... a lot of my mother family i dont know... they know me from when iw as young... 5yrs old. after that mom and dad divorced and dad had primary custody of me and my sister so we saw very lil of our moms family. but even my dads family i didnt see too much of...they lived in a another city and well dad works a lot.... all in all what i learned fro relationships i learned from my rather distant family....
makes life interesting in dating...

anyways, i am getting to the point i just want to say "fuck it" u know? i mean i love all with all my heart, and for the longest time i was ok wih the secrecy but really there is only so much lieing i can do. and the only reason i lie is cus they are secret and if i tell my dad he tells my step mom who tells her kids who tell their grandparents who tell their other kids... i know that about my family.... and if i tell my aunt she tells my other aunt who tells my other aunt the nun who tells her sisters who tell their cousins who tell my mother who tells my sister who tells my step dad who tells my step siblings....
get the drift.... not that my family cant keep secrets but well the fact that your family member is dating another man who is dating another woman well.. that news kinda travels.

so i i lie. cus until they are ready to come out, i have to be careful who i tell...
u know i would love to tell my family i have found love! i would love to tell my friends i have found love! i woulds love to show Allan off to all my fiends, to go to parties together to go on dates...
i mean i dont even hold his hand when we are in public. lately he has taken it upon himself to try to hold my hand despite being in public. i try to pull away, he holds it firm. thats a sweet thing, but really we are all still secret.... sorry Allan. no hand holding....

i love him so much.. but i a getting rubbed raw here! anyways.. this is just my usual vent..
dont worry i have been talking and thinking... i'd rather not say what...

anyways... as they say back in my french side of the family "salut!"

Qoutes and my thoughts...

sometimes it is easier for me to express my feeling, with others words....
"Great joy, especially after a sudden change of circumstances, is apt to be silent, and dwells rather in the heart than on the tongue"
i often feel... this quote reflects my life with Allen. He came along after Frank left which was a huge change of circumstances to say the least. I have only ever felt such joy in my life with Allan, as i did with Frank in our happiest of times during out relationship.
throughout these last 20months (almost 2 yrs) this joy has had to be silent. the joy was to be reflected in my heart and not aloud. it was in my actions and not my words. it was found in my smile and my clothes and my eyes...but not words. it was a secret i wished to bare to all and shout out to all my dear loved ones "i have found love! i feel such joy! my life is happy in and of itself but how much fuller and sweeter it is with a love at my side!!"
this quote... reading it....makes me smile, but also cry.
i know that my joy isn't all silent. for altho it lacks in words it reflects in so much more. and i am sure people have noticed, and i know sum have tried to pry...
other quotes hit home too tho....quotes which rub at me, make me ache and sore in my heart...
in the bible for example "Open rebuke is better than secret love.~proverbs 27.5" i try to think of this when i consider what it would be like when or if Allan and Emily come out about poly....that open rebuke...a ll the prejudice the fights the horrified family and friends... well that wld be better then all this hiding!
but another part of me... is frightened.and i wonder if it is just the fear of "rebuke" or rather..something deeper..
"The fear of making permanent commitments can change the mutual love of husband and wife into two loves of self-two loves existing side by side, until they end in separation."
perhaps, i am afraid to commit? perhaps i am not afraid of rebuke, but rather of giving my all only to lose again...
I started both relationships with frank and Allan in sumwhat the same way...i had my eyes wide open and my heart was ready to accept a person for who they were..no prejudice. i saw the hearts of these two men and i choose to love them despite the differences or the abnormalities or whatever you may call them. with Frank it was that he was a recovering addict, he was 11 yrs my senior and i didn't know either of these things when he first came a courtin'. i simply got to know him and in time i got to really liking him., and then i started falling in love with him
i fall for the personality first. i fall for their hearts, their souls first.
I did the same with Allan... i found out he was poly and well... i went ok i am already attached to him...lets see where this leads...
i jump right in.
when it comes to love..it is the only thing i do without thinking. i just jump in. and see where the currents take me...if anywheres at all...
but, i must admit... i am frightened.... and i am trying to figure out if it is commitment fear, coming out about poly fear, or what...maybe i am afraid of being hurt again....not just any hurt.... maybe i am afraid to feel that heart wrenching pain of having love ripped away from me....
another ting about the relationship i am in right now.... it has all been about compromise. which is a part of any relationship...however.... "Compromise is but the sacrifice of one right or good in the hope of retaining another--too often ending in the loss of both."~Tryon Edwards
you see...i fear that i may have compromised too much with frank in the end that is... but i also fear that i am only able to compromise so much in any relationship b4 i lose myself.....and i wonder if i didn't that with frank towards the end? and i fear i will so that with Allan.
it is why i keep telling him that if i truly am not able to handle him with another other woman besides Emily and me, that we need to end this. cus i don't want him to compromise so far he loses him. and i don't want to compromise so much i lose me.... i mean, i am being true to myself. and one thing i have realised is that i can only feel so much, compromise so much before i cant go any further. and i need to recognise that line and have the courage to not cross it...
i love Allan so very much....
i pray i wont ever have to tell him that i may have reached that line...i cant just set it aside and yrs later revisit it.... cus years later the pain will still be there...

i am in a melancholy mood tonight i guess....

dear god i love that man. i Love Allan.

i want to be with him.

i have no problems with Emily and him

i see Emily like a sister kind of...

i just, i don't know about other women....

i want to be with Allan... to grow old with him...

but Allan, dear Allan, have u reached my line/my limit?is this it? are you meant only for a season in my life even if i want it to be a lifetime just in the same sense that frank was meant only for a season despite my wishes for a lifetime?

all i want, all i truly deeply want...is to belong. to find home. right now, if i were to be alone, no relationship that is...i know i would be ok and could be sumwhat happy. i would not feel fulfilled, or complete. but i would be sumwhat happy. but i would not feel at home, not would i feel like i belong.
am i going to spend the rest of my life searching for home? searching to belong, only to die homeless?

i just want to belong. i want to feel like i have a home. whether that is with Allan for the rest of my left or not, who knows. i hope it is......i really l do....cus when i am in his life, when he is here, in his arms i feel that connection. i feel like i belong. and if eel at home....but all this has got me wondering and i don't know if we will be together a lifetime....
so i ask....
when will i find home?

poetry, and outrage.

i am hiding out
in the "oubliette
within the labyrinth
that is my mind
and heart

so, still feeling like things are in limbo. failed at not having sex while all this is going on. I just really am not sure what to feel, what to say, or what to do. i have considered running off to move to another province.... running away not wise tho. i love Allan so much.
one thing tho, he said right now time wise, emotionally, and physically he has decided he couldnt handle a third right now.
thats great..its the "right now"t that worries me.... cus well.... i haven't had the guts to tell him yet but...i know i cant handle a third. i can handle emily, and thats it. so, that means well... that i just may have to call this quits. it is not fair for me to say to allan, you cant ever date another woman except for emily when u are dating me. thats wrong. his beliefs are what they are. and i wont let him change htem for me either. he was so intent on not losing me he said he wld change for me. but i think thats wrong. u dont change for love. u find sumbody who can accept you foe who you are. and i do, i just i had no idea i had a limit to this. i mean i always thought if i was ok w/ emily i wld be ok w/ anybody else too.... but i realise now that a third in his life just throws in too much for me to handle mental health wise and emotionally. perfect example below....

got an odd thought from emily this weekend. we got to talking and i dunno how but the subject of birthcontrol and babies cam up. and next thing i know we get onto if i ever got pregnant (altho we both said, those chances are practically non existent! allan is fixed, has been for 3 1/2 yrs now) and she just blurts out
"if u ever got pregnant, there would be no baby"
i didnt say a word.... i knew what she meant.... just moved right onto another topic... said " u know the chances of his vasectomy not being 100% effective actually increase as years go by. 6-8yrs actually as studies show as the tubes can sumwhat reconnect on a rare occasion, so u bet in a cpl yrs i will be uber paranoid!"
i just wanted to move on.... but inside i was screaming "NO FUCKING WAY I'D MURDER A BABY JUST CUS U SAY SO!"
i mean, she has to understand, that vasectomies are the most effective birth control yes, and that he is shooting blanks, now, and the chances are very rare but it has happened sooooo she has to realise that in any relationship he engages in there is the possibility of a baby. a rare, extreme rare, but still there possibility.
and no offense.... she has no right to decide for the other woman. that would be like me telling her if she got pregnant that i think 3 kids is enuff and i dont think she sld have a 4th.... ya think she'd ;iek that! no way.
anyways, she was pmsing hard core so maybe she was trying to pick a fight... and i just didnt bite. even so..what a horrible thing to say!
thing is allan and i actually talked about hat at 6 mths inthe relationship ....and to be truthful she is part of the equation... but really the choice is mine. cus if allan says no to raising a baby, fine i'd be a single mom. that simple. i dont murder.
but fer the record... allan said he wouldnt want me to abort either and as for sending out for adoption he said no, long as he knows he has a kid out there he wants to raise it. and as fer me pretending it was a one night stand gone wrong and doing the single mom thing, just to cover his and emily's poly secret... he said no.
i am appalled at emily, i mean.... my choice lady! fuck off!
but i suppose i can forgive her, i mean she doesnt know allan and i talked about the possibility ages ago. and she doesnt know what he said. and she was also in a lil pain , and pmsing....
still... no matter how badly u are pmsing and no mater how much pain u are in... what a horrid thing to say! i feel like when she says lil things like that, she is controlling my relationship sumwhat.... and i know it isnt intentional, but thats how i feel. controlled.
dont get me wrong. i dont want babies now. babies for me are not a make or break in a relationship. i spent so many years being told i couldnt have kids because of my health and heart that now that i can ....well its like hey if it happens great, if not...oh well.....

anyways i just wanted to blog my anger out....and my frustration.


i still have no clue about allan and i....