Qoutes and my thoughts...

sometimes it is easier for me to express my feeling, with others words....
"Great joy, especially after a sudden change of circumstances, is apt to be silent, and dwells rather in the heart than on the tongue"
i often feel... this quote reflects my life with Allen. He came along after Frank left which was a huge change of circumstances to say the least. I have only ever felt such joy in my life with Allan, as i did with Frank in our happiest of times during out relationship.
throughout these last 20months (almost 2 yrs) this joy has had to be silent. the joy was to be reflected in my heart and not aloud. it was in my actions and not my words. it was found in my smile and my clothes and my eyes...but not words. it was a secret i wished to bare to all and shout out to all my dear loved ones "i have found love! i feel such joy! my life is happy in and of itself but how much fuller and sweeter it is with a love at my side!!"
this quote... reading it....makes me smile, but also cry.
i know that my joy isn't all silent. for altho it lacks in words it reflects in so much more. and i am sure people have noticed, and i know sum have tried to pry...
other quotes hit home too tho....quotes which rub at me, make me ache and sore in my heart...
in the bible for example "Open rebuke is better than secret love.~proverbs 27.5" i try to think of this when i consider what it would be like when or if Allan and Emily come out about poly....that open rebuke...a ll the prejudice the fights the horrified family and friends... well that wld be better then all this hiding!
but another part of me... is frightened.and i wonder if it is just the fear of "rebuke" or rather..something deeper..
"The fear of making permanent commitments can change the mutual love of husband and wife into two loves of self-two loves existing side by side, until they end in separation."
perhaps, i am afraid to commit? perhaps i am not afraid of rebuke, but rather of giving my all only to lose again...
I started both relationships with frank and Allan in sumwhat the same way...i had my eyes wide open and my heart was ready to accept a person for who they were..no prejudice. i saw the hearts of these two men and i choose to love them despite the differences or the abnormalities or whatever you may call them. with Frank it was that he was a recovering addict, he was 11 yrs my senior and i didn't know either of these things when he first came a courtin'. i simply got to know him and in time i got to really liking him., and then i started falling in love with him
i fall for the personality first. i fall for their hearts, their souls first.
I did the same with Allan... i found out he was poly and well... i went ok i am already attached to him...lets see where this leads...
i jump right in.
when it comes to love..it is the only thing i do without thinking. i just jump in. and see where the currents take me...if anywheres at all...
but, i must admit... i am frightened.... and i am trying to figure out if it is commitment fear, coming out about poly fear, or what...maybe i am afraid of being hurt again....not just any hurt.... maybe i am afraid to feel that heart wrenching pain of having love ripped away from me....
another ting about the relationship i am in right now.... it has all been about compromise. which is a part of any relationship...however.... "Compromise is but the sacrifice of one right or good in the hope of retaining another--too often ending in the loss of both."~Tryon Edwards
you see...i fear that i may have compromised too much with frank in the end that is... but i also fear that i am only able to compromise so much in any relationship b4 i lose myself.....and i wonder if i didn't that with frank towards the end? and i fear i will so that with Allan.
it is why i keep telling him that if i truly am not able to handle him with another other woman besides Emily and me, that we need to end this. cus i don't want him to compromise so far he loses him. and i don't want to compromise so much i lose me.... i mean, i am being true to myself. and one thing i have realised is that i can only feel so much, compromise so much before i cant go any further. and i need to recognise that line and have the courage to not cross it...
i love Allan so very much....
i pray i wont ever have to tell him that i may have reached that line...i cant just set it aside and yrs later revisit it.... cus years later the pain will still be there...

i am in a melancholy mood tonight i guess....

dear god i love that man. i Love Allan.

i want to be with him.

i have no problems with Emily and him

i see Emily like a sister kind of...

i just, i don't know about other women....

i want to be with Allan... to grow old with him...

but Allan, dear Allan, have u reached my line/my limit?is this it? are you meant only for a season in my life even if i want it to be a lifetime just in the same sense that frank was meant only for a season despite my wishes for a lifetime?

all i want, all i truly deeply want...is to belong. to find home. right now, if i were to be alone, no relationship that is...i know i would be ok and could be sumwhat happy. i would not feel fulfilled, or complete. but i would be sumwhat happy. but i would not feel at home, not would i feel like i belong.
am i going to spend the rest of my life searching for home? searching to belong, only to die homeless?

i just want to belong. i want to feel like i have a home. whether that is with Allan for the rest of my left or not, who knows. i hope it is......i really l do....cus when i am in his life, when he is here, in his arms i feel that connection. i feel like i belong. and if eel at home....but all this has got me wondering and i don't know if we will be together a lifetime....
so i ask....
when will i find home?