poetry, and outrage.

i am hiding out
in the "oubliette
within the labyrinth
that is my mind
and heart

so, still feeling like things are in limbo. failed at not having sex while all this is going on. I just really am not sure what to feel, what to say, or what to do. i have considered running off to move to another province.... running away not wise tho. i love Allan so much.
one thing tho, he said right now time wise, emotionally, and physically he has decided he couldnt handle a third right now.
thats great..its the "right now"t that worries me.... cus well.... i haven't had the guts to tell him yet but...i know i cant handle a third. i can handle emily, and thats it. so, that means well... that i just may have to call this quits. it is not fair for me to say to allan, you cant ever date another woman except for emily when u are dating me. thats wrong. his beliefs are what they are. and i wont let him change htem for me either. he was so intent on not losing me he said he wld change for me. but i think thats wrong. u dont change for love. u find sumbody who can accept you foe who you are. and i do, i just i had no idea i had a limit to this. i mean i always thought if i was ok w/ emily i wld be ok w/ anybody else too.... but i realise now that a third in his life just throws in too much for me to handle mental health wise and emotionally. perfect example below....

got an odd thought from emily this weekend. we got to talking and i dunno how but the subject of birthcontrol and babies cam up. and next thing i know we get onto if i ever got pregnant (altho we both said, those chances are practically non existent! allan is fixed, has been for 3 1/2 yrs now) and she just blurts out
"if u ever got pregnant, there would be no baby"
i didnt say a word.... i knew what she meant.... just moved right onto another topic... said " u know the chances of his vasectomy not being 100% effective actually increase as years go by. 6-8yrs actually as studies show as the tubes can sumwhat reconnect on a rare occasion, so u bet in a cpl yrs i will be uber paranoid!"
i just wanted to move on.... but inside i was screaming "NO FUCKING WAY I'D MURDER A BABY JUST CUS U SAY SO!"
i mean, she has to understand, that vasectomies are the most effective birth control yes, and that he is shooting blanks, now, and the chances are very rare but it has happened sooooo she has to realise that in any relationship he engages in there is the possibility of a baby. a rare, extreme rare, but still there possibility.
and no offense.... she has no right to decide for the other woman. that would be like me telling her if she got pregnant that i think 3 kids is enuff and i dont think she sld have a 4th.... ya think she'd ;iek that! no way.
anyways, she was pmsing hard core so maybe she was trying to pick a fight... and i just didnt bite. even so..what a horrible thing to say!
thing is allan and i actually talked about hat at 6 mths inthe relationship ....and to be truthful she is part of the equation... but really the choice is mine. cus if allan says no to raising a baby, fine i'd be a single mom. that simple. i dont murder.
but fer the record... allan said he wouldnt want me to abort either and as for sending out for adoption he said no, long as he knows he has a kid out there he wants to raise it. and as fer me pretending it was a one night stand gone wrong and doing the single mom thing, just to cover his and emily's poly secret... he said no.
i am appalled at emily, i mean.... my choice lady! fuck off!
but i suppose i can forgive her, i mean she doesnt know allan and i talked about the possibility ages ago. and she doesnt know what he said. and she was also in a lil pain , and pmsing....
still... no matter how badly u are pmsing and no mater how much pain u are in... what a horrid thing to say! i feel like when she says lil things like that, she is controlling my relationship sumwhat.... and i know it isnt intentional, but thats how i feel. controlled.
dont get me wrong. i dont want babies now. babies for me are not a make or break in a relationship. i spent so many years being told i couldnt have kids because of my health and heart that now that i can ....well its like hey if it happens great, if not...oh well.....

anyways i just wanted to blog my anger out....and my frustration.


i still have no clue about allan and i....