family

I always hate it when my family and friends ask me...if i've found a boyfriend or am dating...
i dont hate that they re asking, quite the opposite... i just hate all the lieing i am forced to do.
my best friend Ruth, thinks i am dating sum guy from another city and that i am reluctant to talk about it cus i am private about my personal life now. i told my dad the same story... yeah. Allan is an "electrician" in "another city" about 45 mins away .... yeah... not far from the truth. i mean he does work for an electric company, but he is customer service taking phone calls. and for all our life together, he might as well be in another city.
my aunt just asked me if i was seeing anybody.... i am reluctant to answer her email.....
dont get me wrong, i am not close to my family. the aunt i speak of in in another province, and she and my mother are not on speaking terms. the aunt still thinks of me as the lil 4 yrs old she used to visit. it is Sweet..but she doesn't know me. we are trying to get to know each other thru emails but it is hard. especially since altho i can speak french, i cant really write french. i can read french tho. thats is easy.... but i suck at English grammar so u can imagine my french grammar!
oh sibole!!!! ma grammaire en francais est degolasse! cawliss, tabarnac et tout cette merde comme cela!
translation (not quite direct) oh frig! my grammar in french is disgusting! chalice, tabernacle, and all that shit like that. LOL, a lot of my french swear words are church related!lol
anyways....
back on subject... a lot of my mother family i dont know... they know me from when iw as young... 5yrs old. after that mom and dad divorced and dad had primary custody of me and my sister so we saw very lil of our moms family. but even my dads family i didnt see too much of...they lived in a another city and well dad works a lot.... all in all what i learned fro relationships i learned from my rather distant family....
makes life interesting in dating...

anyways, i am getting to the point i just want to say "fuck it" u know? i mean i love all with all my heart, and for the longest time i was ok wih the secrecy but really there is only so much lieing i can do. and the only reason i lie is cus they are secret and if i tell my dad he tells my step mom who tells her kids who tell their grandparents who tell their other kids... i know that about my family.... and if i tell my aunt she tells my other aunt who tells my other aunt the nun who tells her sisters who tell their cousins who tell my mother who tells my sister who tells my step dad who tells my step siblings....
get the drift.... not that my family cant keep secrets but well the fact that your family member is dating another man who is dating another woman well.. that news kinda travels.

so i i lie. cus until they are ready to come out, i have to be careful who i tell...
u know i would love to tell my family i have found love! i would love to tell my friends i have found love! i woulds love to show Allan off to all my fiends, to go to parties together to go on dates...
i mean i dont even hold his hand when we are in public. lately he has taken it upon himself to try to hold my hand despite being in public. i try to pull away, he holds it firm. thats a sweet thing, but really we are all still secret.... sorry Allan. no hand holding....

i love him so much.. but i a getting rubbed raw here! anyways.. this is just my usual vent..
dont worry i have been talking and thinking... i'd rather not say what...

anyways... as they say back in my french side of the family "salut!"