todays theme song

Savage Garden -
To The Moon And Back
lyrics

She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying "Mamma never loved her much"
And,"Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection"
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?
She can't remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
All her friends they've been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined
She's saying"Love is like a barren place
And reaching out for human faith is like a journey
I just don't have a map for"
So baby's gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she's hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream
I would fly to the moon and backif you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong "repeat"

So,
I've decided to enter counselling, yet again. it seems to be ever ongoing. well, at least i can say i had a short stint that was counselling free...
anyways..this time it is not for panic attacks/stress management. it is not for relationship issues to do with frank or Allan...
this time... it is to do with My father and my constant feeling of well.... being a stray??
i mean, i'm still reeling from this years Christmas. and am getting pissed off at Dad again.... he is blaming it all on his "wife in name only"
said to me in an email
" ... I was pissed that they did what they did a xmas, you are my family and you have a sister here too. I think She felt small when she realized what they did to you and me. .... love you baby"
i replaced his wifes name with "she"
anyways
what "they" did to him and me...? what about what he did to him and me.... i'm his daughter. he should have politely told them to go fuck themselves and that whether they liked it or not i was coming by because i'm his daughter and it is christmas... i hate how he is projecting this all on them... he needs to see he is responsible for this too....
i just, i wont tell him that. i am too scared that if i do he'll go all suicidal again... he already tells me how hard it is that my other sister in another province has completely rejected him and wont even talk to him. his marriage is falling apart... i mean a cpl years ago he was suicidal....i'm too scared that with the realisation his marriage is in name only, and if me and my other sister ditch him well... it'll throw him off the deep end.
i've already heard and watched him go thru that once...never again.
you will never know what it is like to hear your own father howl in sheer emotional pain or to see him cry and hold him in your arms....
never... again....
my heart.... just wont.... and his heart wont.....
n o... not ever..... i wont hurt him....
but that doesn't mean I'm not pissed. and hurting. God do i ever hurt....
all i ask... is to belong...
to be loved...
to have a father i can actually count on
to have a family i can be with... and love...
i can live on my own. i can be single. i can really. but it doesn't mean that living along or single is what makes me happiest, or what makes me feel fulfilled.
i'll live my life out without a true home... if that's what God has intended... but sumhow, i highly doubt... no i know...that's not what God intended for my life....
so...
i'll work on what i have... and hope to find more..
that's all i can do...
hope.....
it just... it gets hard...al this rejection..... whether the people in my life realise or not.... i am being rejected....
there are some people like allan an emily who stand by me.... but.... i need more.... then allan and emily....
they have their own lives... i'm happy to be a part of it... but i'll never be a part of it the way i want to...
which is... well.... if you know me then you already know so i don't need to write it here....
anyways... counselling it is then....

argh!

So, dad is a way down in USA sumplace.... training for Afghanistan tour in july...
our relationship has come a ways.... i miss him. and while he is away he seems to be understanding more and more about him and his wife and how their marriage is in name only now.... thats good.
i just wish he'd realize that our relationship was in many ways the same... I want my dad. I want a home.
i'm working on it.
bit by bit.
and i'd like to hope it is coming along. we;ve made some progress, but its times like the Christmas that just passed that set us back to practically square one....
more and more.... i long to have a home. I can live alone. i can't live without a home tho.
christmas, put huge huge ass dark cloud or whatever you wanna call it over my head.
I'm thinking on seeing if i can afford councillign again... this time.... not for relationship issues, and not for divorce stuff, or molestations aftermath.... this time.... for whatever the hell this feeling of having no home is from...
ha, see folks...this si what can happen when you are the product of a triple divorce family plus add in yer own divorce to the mix....
you end up witha stray...
me.
one day, one day i'll go home..... and it wont be temporary it wont be just for a cpl yrs.... it will be my home..... for life....
home for me, is not a house....
it is a feeling of belonging and love.
sure i have friends who love me and have said they are my family....
still..they arent home....
I always have this line from one of my fave anime's them songs stuck in my head... its kinda a way to sum up how i feel...
"Is there a place left there for me
Somewhere that I belong
Or will I always live this way... ?
Always stray"


Home
All dogs go to heaven soundtrack

All I have is a picture in my mind how it would be
If we were together
Let's pretend that you're far away
Let's say you write to me
And you promise in your letter
That you'll come home
Come home to my heart
When you come home
We'll never be apart
If I keep dreaming of you
Start believing it's true
Soon you'll come home
Soon you'll come home
Soon you'll come home
To my heart
Soon you'll come home
Home to my heart
Soon you'll come home
Home to my heart
If I believe...

Stray
Wolf's rain soundtrack
LISTEN HERE
Stray! Stray!
In the cold breeze that I walk along
The memories of generations burn within me
Been forever since I cried the pain and sorrow
I live and die, proud of my people gaining

I'm here standing at the edge
Starin up at where the moon should be

Stray!
No regrets 'cause I got nothin to lose
Ever stray!
So I'm gonna live my life as I choose
Until I fall..

Stray! Stray!
Stray! Stray!

In the white freeze, I never spoke of tears
Or opened up to anyone including myself
I would like to find a way to open to you
Been awhile, don't know if I remember how to

I'm here waiting on the edge
Would I be alright showing myself to you?
It's always been so hard to do..

Stray!
No regrets 'cause I got nothin to lose
Ever stray!
So I'm gonna live my life as I choose
Until I fall...

Stray! Stray!
Stray! Stray!
Stray! Stray!

Is there a place left there for me
Somewhere that I belong
Or will I always live this way... ?
Always stray

No regrets 'cause I got nothin to lose
Ever stray!
So I'm gonna live my life as I choose
Cause all things fall

Stray! Stray!
Stray! Stray!
Stray! Stray!

Stray...

University... me?

so, i've done this all once before....
only it was a different university.
i was a different person
i was in a different life
in love with a different man
and going to get a different job.
this all feel so weird now. I mean, i'm no longer that fresh outta high school woman looking all bright eyed and bushy tailed at her future....
I'm well... i'm me....
i mean, I'm doing this to take charge. make a change in life. live my dreams...
all that glorious shit...
LOL
and i've never been more terrified in all my life.

Yeah yeah, i know it is only one course.... but thats how this starts. i take one course, proove to the school essentially that i'm a worthy student. then in September i either go full time, or at least take a cpl more courses.
and for sure in January 2011 (if the university will have me) i go full time.

one, small step.....

I have no idea if i can do this. i mean, i can't even type an email without typos LOL.
But, i have Allan for inspiration.
I mean, he's going back too... so whether or not he realises it... he's my support right now.
even if that support only comes int he form of a catalyst. even if he drops out. even if he fails. he was my support in that i looked at him and said "he's got 3 kids, a house, and he's doing this.... so can i"
Like me, he has wanted to go back to get a degree for years.... but something held him back....
i dont know what held him back... but there was sumthing. and he pushed throught that sumthing and went back to school...
so, ... when i got the news i was going to be let go from work...it was the catalyst i needed to go back to school.
and even tho they've decided to keep me... I've decided to still go ahead with going back to school...
Cus he found the strength to at least try. and he has a helluva lot more obstacles then i do...
so... here i go too...
and if he drops out....or fails... i still will keep going on without him.... cus his support, came in the way of my ability to look at him for inspiration as a catalyst.
i am doing this for me.
the only support i gain from him is friendship and a competitive spirit in me that says if he can find the strength to try to do it, so can i.....
still
I have no idea what i am doing.
and i still keep thinking that on monday i'll go into that school and they'll say "ooops, sorry...no school for you"
it is all kinda surreal....

I should not be afraid....
but i am....
excited
but afraid

i mean..... this is it....

no more talking

no more planning

no more obstacles

no more....

just me

and my oppertunity

i've never been more frightened in all my life. no more reasons not to go. this is it. it is go time. it is now or never...
becasue if i do not do this now
i'll regret it
and i'll neverhave the stregth to do this again...
so here i go again....
back to school i go....
and on top of that
back into the world of dating i go....

and here is todays theme song in honour of school and dating
Here i Go Again
Whitesnake

I don't know where I'm goin
but I sure know where I've been
hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
but here I go again, here I go again.

Tho' I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I'm looking for.
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'cos I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time.

Just another heart in need of rescue
waiting on love's sweet charity
an' I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days
'cos I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
but here I go again, here I go again,
here I go again, here I go.

An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time.

Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
'cos I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
but here I go again, here I go again,
here I go again, here I go,
here I go again.