So,
I've decided to enter counselling, yet again. it seems to be ever ongoing. well, at least i can say i had a short stint that was counselling free...
anyways..this time it is not for panic attacks/stress management. it is not for relationship issues to do with frank or Allan...
this time... it is to do with My father and my constant feeling of well.... being a stray??
i mean, i'm still reeling from this years Christmas. and am getting pissed off at Dad again.... he is blaming it all on his "wife in name only"
said to me in an email
" ... I was pissed that they did what they did a xmas, you are my family and you have a sister here too. I think She felt small when she realized what they did to you and me. .... love you baby"
i replaced his wifes name with "she"
anyways
what "they" did to him and me...? what about what he did to him and me.... i'm his daughter. he should have politely told them to go fuck themselves and that whether they liked it or not i was coming by because i'm his daughter and it is christmas... i hate how he is projecting this all on them... he needs to see he is responsible for this too....
i just, i wont tell him that. i am too scared that if i do he'll go all suicidal again... he already tells me how hard it is that my other sister in another province has completely rejected him and wont even talk to him. his marriage is falling apart... i mean a cpl years ago he was suicidal....i'm too scared that with the realisation his marriage is in name only, and if me and my other sister ditch him well... it'll throw him off the deep end.
i've already heard and watched him go thru that once...never again.
you will never know what it is like to hear your own father howl in sheer emotional pain or to see him cry and hold him in your arms....
never... again....
my heart.... just wont.... and his heart wont.....
n o... not ever..... i wont hurt him....
but that doesn't mean I'm not pissed. and hurting. God do i ever hurt....
all i ask... is to belong...
to be loved...
to have a father i can actually count on
to have a family i can be with... and love...
i can live on my own. i can be single. i can really. but it doesn't mean that living along or single is what makes me happiest, or what makes me feel fulfilled.
i'll live my life out without a true home... if that's what God has intended... but sumhow, i highly doubt... no i know...that's not what God intended for my life....
so...
i'll work on what i have... and hope to find more..
that's all i can do...
hope.....
it just... it gets hard...al this rejection..... whether the people in my life realise or not.... i am being rejected....
there are some people like allan an emily who stand by me.... but.... i need more.... then allan and emily....
they have their own lives... i'm happy to be a part of it... but i'll never be a part of it the way i want to...
which is... well.... if you know me then you already know so i don't need to write it here....
anyways... counselling it is then....