Well, i havent had musch time online to blog.. perhaps that is why i have been so scatterbrained latlely? As if worrying about my fater wasn't enuff, no i have taken my sanity into question. alright, perhaps a tad bit melodramatic but still , what else am i supposed to think? I showed up 2 hrs early for work one day, another day i called in late when iw as actually 45 min early, still another day i thought it was Tuesday when it was monday, i have started biking towards my meetings only to stop mid road and wonder "where am i going again?", i have loct my train of thought mid sentence, and actually forgot when i was due in the church nursury (which i never do)..... WTF? I suppose i culd say my mind has been on things... like my father and my polyamourous relationship....
Still terrified Dad's gonna take a fucking heart attack! He is living w/ his thing of a woman wife (ie step mom) until she finds her own place. they're thru ( i am doin my best not to say it.... i'm trying... really am.... oh crap here it comes.....THANK GOD SHE'LL BE GONE SOON! I don;t want either of them to suffer, but i really have never liked that woman. I'm sorry but beating my ass w/a plastic spoon and grounding me outdoors in mid winnter tend to leave scars and make one sumehat dislike said person involed in the punishment)
but dad, i have been there... and its not easy. he says he's too old, and will be so alone... still... she's the source of his stress and she's under the same roof! I still get worked up when i think about her. she's literally killing my dad. I hope he takes his meds and starts taking care of himself. i have my lil brother to keep an eye on him thankfully... but still.... why do i have the feeling like he's slipping away, like he's givng up. i know he is not suicidal, he's too smart and strong for that... but still.... i worry. I just started to get to know my father again.... I pray eveynight that god doesnt take him away from me... not yet.
and am trying to relax around emily..... man, she intimidates me, and scares me too! when she's uncomfortable i get all ansey because i expect her to just say "allright, you're thru. i can't handle this, so go away and leave allen."
I knwo she has jelousy issues. I know. and i am trying to be understanding but its so fucking frustrating when its ok for her to cuddle him or stay up w/ him or ya know flirt or flaunt w/ him when i am in the same room ( and i really dont mind that at all....no jelousy... really.i am comfortable, i am polyamourous) but what really gets me going is that i feel like she is so senitive that i cant even cuddle w/ him when she's around and that Sumtimes i feel like she tries to stay up late because she is scared we'll fall asleep on the couch togehter or because she's jelous of our time togehter ( which is pretty much only after she goes to bed) or that she doent trust us not to have sex under the same roof. do you know how frustrating it is to be hornier then hell and emotionally attracted to a man and not be able to do fuck all?! I feel like she is so scraed of losing allen and i feel like she is so insecure in all this and it scares me. i am walking on eggshells and i feel like i have to get the hell outta dodge soon because if i don;t she's gonna shoot me! Thats why i have to get a place asap, i have an apt lined up hopefully funds pull thru.... and even if they dont i have to go soon . stilll....i am not lookign forward to moving out... at least here i see allen, when i get my own place i will see allen even less. God...I have become "emotionally invested" in this relationship..... i care so much for allen. I hope that maybe just maybe we (emily,allen, and i)wld i dunno... blend eventully? even if that was yrs away, i hope it. I mean, i welll... fuck can i say it now? i think i....i think i....well i dont think, i know it... i'm falling in love with allen. there i said it... i just can't say it to him... he'd probably freak and get scared off.....
man, its just that i just dont wanna be hurt. i know she'd NEVER do it intentionally....but i worry that she'll tell us to call it quits and then i'm left in the centre by myself and w/ my heart broken because the man i cared for was taken away. I am happy as long as she's happy... but i can''t handle her jelousy. its driving me insane! the other night we came home late and were quiet downstairs. she made the rule it was ok for us to make love, just not while she was home or uder same roof. we asked her if we cld go ona date and so we'd gone out for few hours and eventually found a spot and made love. It was magical. and it was midnight when we came home. we were as quiet as cld be. iwatched tv and allen was by the computer fixing his glasses.... we were doing nothing but whispering so as not to wake emily and well emily actually was still awake (she was so worked up she clouldnt sleep) when we got hoem so anyways about 20 min after getting home she came downstairs and glared at me and said "you're being too quiet" to me (perfect timing, allen had just gone into the bathroom) so i joked abut it , but it still hurt. i mean was she worried we fell asleep (not w/ that glare she gave....) no she was jelous of us being alone togehter and probaby thought we were fooling around! she basically accused me and allen of having sex or sumthing.... it was all in the voice and the glare. i feel like i can't win or lose w/ her! like i try to do right and it's wrong! like i try to be sensitive but she in turn is not giving ground or in turn being sensitive and if anything she's taking i step forward and 10 steps back!
then theres church! the ex (aka putz) met me at the doors sunday...awkward. then theres the rumour mill that has started because of the divorce. ya know, I think of myself as a born again christian . thankfully i am not judgmental... if i were, would i consider polyamoury? :) I know my faith is not dependant upon 4 walls but rather a relationship w/ jesus. so if i get kicked outta church because of my relationships, so be it. Jesus is not defined or confined to a particular denomination. anyways, there are rotten apples in any bunch, and the rotten aples are the gossip gals.... they make church life for me so awkward. that and i feel like some ppl thinking have a plagues, "she's divorced" and just dunno what to say or do around me. and sum seem to keep insisting that me and my ex may yet save our marriage... ummmm, no. even if he overcomes the weed, stops liking 14 yr olds (yeah, sick...), and actually genuinly changes the way he treats women... still no chance.... i left him twice, not gonna go back again.... what a jerk!
agh, i'll be glad when thsi stiuff all calms down! I can only handle my scatterbrainedness so much!
But time, new love, and Jesus heal all wounds
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
TODAY'S THEME SONGS
Fuck off church folks who wanna poke into my life.. it's mine.....LEAVE ME ALONE! lol! heres my special theme song just for the ppl who don't knwo when to just buzz off
SALT 'N PEPA: NON OF YOUR BUSINESS
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4G3UV1qsOY
LYRICS:
What's the matter with your life?
Why you gotta mess with mine?
Don't keep sweatin' what I do
Cuz I'm gonna be just fine - check it out
[CHORUS]
If I wanna take a guy home with me tonight
It's none of your business
And she wanna be a freak and sell it on the weekend
It's none of your business
Now you shouldn't even get into who I'm givin' skins to
It's none of your business
So don't try to change my mind, I'll tell you one more time
It's none of your business
Now who do you think you are
Puttin' your cheap two cents in?
Don't you got nothin' to do
Than worry 'bout my friends? Check it...
I can't do nothin', girl, without somebody buggin'
I used to think that it was me, but now I see it wasn't
They told me to change, they called me names, and so I popped one
Opinion's are like assholes and everybody's got one
I never put my nose where I'm not supposed to
Believe me, if he's something that I want, I'm steppin' closer
I'm not one for playing high-pole
Like the house of ditty 90210 type of the ho
I treat a man like he treats me
The difference between a hooker and a ho ain't nothin' but a fee
So hold your tongue tightly, wish you could be like me
You're poppin' all that mess only to stress and to spite me
Now you can get with that or you can get with this
But I don't give a shit cuz really it's none of your business
(1993, S and P, packin' and mackin'
Bamboozlin' and smackin' suckers with this track
Throw the beat back in!)
[CHORUS]
How many rules am I to break before you understand
That your double-standards don't mean shit to me?
I know exactly what you say when I turn and walk away
But that's ok cuz I don't let it get it to me
Now every move I make somebody's clockin'
Don't ask me nothin', will you just leave me alone?
Never mind who's the guy that I took home...to bone
Ok, Miss Thing never givin' up skins
If you don't like him or his friends what about that Benz?
Your Pep-Pep's got an ill rep
With all that macaroni trap for rap you better step
Or better yet get your head checked
Cuz I refuse to be played like a penny cent trick deck of cards
No, I ain't hard like the bitches on a boulivard
My face ain't scarred, and I don't dance in bars
You can call me a tramp if you want to
But I remember the punk who just humped and dumped you
Or you can front if you have to
But everybody gets horny just like you
So, yo, so, yo, ho - check it, double deck it on a record butt-naked
Pep's ass gets respect, and this butt is none of your business
[CHORUS]
So the moral of this story is: Who are you to judge?
There's only one true judge, and that's God
So chill, and let my Father do His job
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again...
OK NOW THAT I GOT THAT OUT :) HERES MY OTHER THEME SONG
MARTINA MCBRIDE: DO IT ANYWAYS
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0DlaJ7g6yc
LYRICS:
SALT 'N PEPA: NON OF YOUR BUSINESS
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4G3UV1qsOY
LYRICS:
What's the matter with your life?
Why you gotta mess with mine?
Don't keep sweatin' what I do
Cuz I'm gonna be just fine - check it out
[CHORUS]
If I wanna take a guy home with me tonight
It's none of your business
And she wanna be a freak and sell it on the weekend
It's none of your business
Now you shouldn't even get into who I'm givin' skins to
It's none of your business
So don't try to change my mind, I'll tell you one more time
It's none of your business
Now who do you think you are
Puttin' your cheap two cents in?
Don't you got nothin' to do
Than worry 'bout my friends? Check it...
I can't do nothin', girl, without somebody buggin'
I used to think that it was me, but now I see it wasn't
They told me to change, they called me names, and so I popped one
Opinion's are like assholes and everybody's got one
I never put my nose where I'm not supposed to
Believe me, if he's something that I want, I'm steppin' closer
I'm not one for playing high-pole
Like the house of ditty 90210 type of the ho
I treat a man like he treats me
The difference between a hooker and a ho ain't nothin' but a fee
So hold your tongue tightly, wish you could be like me
You're poppin' all that mess only to stress and to spite me
Now you can get with that or you can get with this
But I don't give a shit cuz really it's none of your business
(1993, S and P, packin' and mackin'
Bamboozlin' and smackin' suckers with this track
Throw the beat back in!)
[CHORUS]
How many rules am I to break before you understand
That your double-standards don't mean shit to me?
I know exactly what you say when I turn and walk away
But that's ok cuz I don't let it get it to me
Now every move I make somebody's clockin'
Don't ask me nothin', will you just leave me alone?
Never mind who's the guy that I took home...to bone
Ok, Miss Thing never givin' up skins
If you don't like him or his friends what about that Benz?
Your Pep-Pep's got an ill rep
With all that macaroni trap for rap you better step
Or better yet get your head checked
Cuz I refuse to be played like a penny cent trick deck of cards
No, I ain't hard like the bitches on a boulivard
My face ain't scarred, and I don't dance in bars
You can call me a tramp if you want to
But I remember the punk who just humped and dumped you
Or you can front if you have to
But everybody gets horny just like you
So, yo, so, yo, ho - check it, double deck it on a record butt-naked
Pep's ass gets respect, and this butt is none of your business
[CHORUS]
So the moral of this story is: Who are you to judge?
There's only one true judge, and that's God
So chill, and let my Father do His job
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again...
OK NOW THAT I GOT THAT OUT :) HERES MY OTHER THEME SONG
MARTINA MCBRIDE: DO IT ANYWAYS
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0DlaJ7g6yc
LYRICS:
You can spend your whole life building something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach and you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway
Chorus:
God is great, but sometimes life ain�t good
And when I pray it doesnt always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway, I do it anyway
This worlds gone crazy and its hard to believe that tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons, and in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love em anyway
Repeat Chorus
You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in that tomorrow they�ll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway, sing it anyway
I sing, I dream, I love, anyway
Saturday, October 13, 2007
todays theme songs and poems
I don't know how long this will last
or where this will go
But i know that you were sent,
and angel in disuise.
I hope for more
I long for more.
Deliver me.
Save me.
I want to be free.
I want this to last
but if it wont
I know that for a time you were sent
my angel in disguise.
DELIVER ME: Sarah Brightman
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nr6cSAkbuQM&mode=related&search=
LYRICS:
Deliver me, out of my sadness.
Deliver me, from all of the madness.
Deliver me, courage to guide me.
Deliver me, strength from inside me.
All of my life I've been in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.
Deliver me, loving and caring.
Deliver me, giving and sharing.
Deliver me, the cross that I'm bearing.
All of my life I was in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.
Deliver me,
Deliver me,
Oh deliver me.
All of my life I was in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.
Deliver me,
Oh deliver me.
Won't you deliver me.
EVEN IN ADULTHOOD
DIVORCE CAN SHAKE YOU UP.
JUST WHEN I WAS ON MY FEET
WHEN ONE PART OF MY LIFE WAS FEELING WHOLE
AND HEALED
THEN THIS ALL LEAVES ME
BLOWN AWAY
AND LEFT WITH THE DESIRE
TO HIDE AGAIN
CUS I JUST CAN'T DEAL.
LINKIN PARK: CRAWLING
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9-eAYHooUo
LYRICS:
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will I stand beside my own reflection
it`s haunting how i cant seem...
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming,confusing what is real
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling,confusing what is real
or where this will go
But i know that you were sent,
and angel in disuise.
I hope for more
I long for more.
Deliver me.
Save me.
I want to be free.
I want this to last
but if it wont
I know that for a time you were sent
my angel in disguise.
DELIVER ME: Sarah Brightman
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nr6cSAkbuQM&mode=related&search=
LYRICS:
Deliver me, out of my sadness.
Deliver me, from all of the madness.
Deliver me, courage to guide me.
Deliver me, strength from inside me.
All of my life I've been in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.
Deliver me, loving and caring.
Deliver me, giving and sharing.
Deliver me, the cross that I'm bearing.
All of my life I was in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.
Deliver me,
Deliver me,
Oh deliver me.
All of my life I was in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.
Deliver me,
Oh deliver me.
Won't you deliver me.
EVEN IN ADULTHOOD
DIVORCE CAN SHAKE YOU UP.
JUST WHEN I WAS ON MY FEET
WHEN ONE PART OF MY LIFE WAS FEELING WHOLE
AND HEALED
THEN THIS ALL LEAVES ME
BLOWN AWAY
AND LEFT WITH THE DESIRE
TO HIDE AGAIN
CUS I JUST CAN'T DEAL.
LINKIN PARK: CRAWLING
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9-eAYHooUo
LYRICS:
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will I stand beside my own reflection
it`s haunting how i cant seem...
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming,confusing what is real
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling,confusing what is real
Saturday, October 6, 2007
oh dear god.......
shit...has...hit...the....fan...and fuck! i just called my dad to find out what time he wanted me over for dinner tomorrow ...dad started to cry and told me that he and his wife (stepmother who fits the stereo type) are "taking a break", or "giving space"
That woman should be happy she's not withen walking distance. i am that pissed, but just like sunday i will not stuff my anger... no i will vent and deal with it and i will do my father proud and not resort to violence.... here why i am pissed at her....
She had an affair.
I want to say so many things right now...... i'lll let the following express my feelings about her right now......
#$%^
~^~@#
@&**)*^%
#%%^*
(&*)(**()(&*&&*
^%~$@$$%^
~%$R@#!**&()
*)*(*)*()&*&^%$%^
~#!@$#$%^~%
^%~&(*&*)*(**
&&*&&(*%^~
$%^~#!%^~^^
^%^%%#@&*&)*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
there. I am still pissed tho, but thats fading now to a feeling of worry and whats the word....a feeling that sumthing really bads gona happen!
see my father suffers from an incurable heart condition. oddly enuff my condition is not considered heriditary even tho both our conditions were caused by damage left from viruses.... or so the doctors think. truth is they have flat out admitted they dont know how or why it happened ( yeah, dad and i have the same doctors. and they are blunt with us as per out request!) anyways.... his is a lot worse. mine caused damage to the valve, repairable but still not perfect....dad's whole heart is damamged and so now his heart functions at about 30% what it should. and right now he's in a lot of stress. i just listened to my father cry in deep sobs over the phone. i have never, ever , heard him cry like that. and then i heard another sound, i know it cus i've had it... catching his breath. his chest was tightening and he was hardly able to speak. i got him calmed down enuff to get off the phone to go see my brother who would take care of him.... i may be the eldest but my brother is the only son in the family and dad has unintentionally passed the deed of being #2 unto my brother. thank god for my brother.
that thing tho....shes gonna kill my dad. does she know that? he's in pain so much right now he actually said
"i just may do something everybody may regret"
so i told dad i respect him, i love him, he's a good person he has lots of ppl who love him and made him promise to see ryan (to get meds and what not) and he promised me he had an apointment to see a councillor asap. but stilll.....
I have never been so scared b4.I hate what that that thing is doing to him ( i wont call her a woman right now) worst part is...
my mother did the same thing to him.
he's in so much pain. Please god, watch over him. Don't let him die! or be hurt again! he's too good a person. why does sumthing like this happen to him twice! he's not perfect but he does not deserve this.... nobody does!
i love you dad... i hope for your sake she chooses you over that jerk off pig of a man who when shit hit the fan ran away!~ yeah you heard me, when dad confronted him he called the relationship shit and ran off.... my stepmother doesnt see him or my dad fot who they truly are.... dad as a special gift of love and jerk off as a pigish shadow of a cowardly man who only wanted to get into her pants.
much as i am pissed at her, i don't want her to go back to that guy. if she and dad separate, fine....but please thing just dont go back to jerk off! he's using you!
but hey, my problems look like nothing now and also I am no longer feeling lonely... no now i'm worried...and scared....
can i be lonely again please? i'd much rather feel that then this... or better yet... horny. yes i'd like to be horny please. and happy..... not scared and worried!
fuck!
Dad, don't die!
thing! smarten the hell up and open yor eyes and please do not be withen walking distance from me right now!
That woman should be happy she's not withen walking distance. i am that pissed, but just like sunday i will not stuff my anger... no i will vent and deal with it and i will do my father proud and not resort to violence.... here why i am pissed at her....
She had an affair.
I want to say so many things right now...... i'lll let the following express my feelings about her right now......
#$%^
~^~@#
@&**)*^%
#%%^*
(&*)(**()(&*&&*
^%~$@$$%^
~%$R@#!**&()
*)*(*)*()&*&^%$%^
~#!@$#$%^~%
^%~&(*&*)*(**
&&*&&(*%^~
$%^~#!%^~^^
^%^%%#@&*&)*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
there. I am still pissed tho, but thats fading now to a feeling of worry and whats the word....a feeling that sumthing really bads gona happen!
see my father suffers from an incurable heart condition. oddly enuff my condition is not considered heriditary even tho both our conditions were caused by damage left from viruses.... or so the doctors think. truth is they have flat out admitted they dont know how or why it happened ( yeah, dad and i have the same doctors. and they are blunt with us as per out request!) anyways.... his is a lot worse. mine caused damage to the valve, repairable but still not perfect....dad's whole heart is damamged and so now his heart functions at about 30% what it should. and right now he's in a lot of stress. i just listened to my father cry in deep sobs over the phone. i have never, ever , heard him cry like that. and then i heard another sound, i know it cus i've had it... catching his breath. his chest was tightening and he was hardly able to speak. i got him calmed down enuff to get off the phone to go see my brother who would take care of him.... i may be the eldest but my brother is the only son in the family and dad has unintentionally passed the deed of being #2 unto my brother. thank god for my brother.
that thing tho....shes gonna kill my dad. does she know that? he's in pain so much right now he actually said
"i just may do something everybody may regret"
so i told dad i respect him, i love him, he's a good person he has lots of ppl who love him and made him promise to see ryan (to get meds and what not) and he promised me he had an apointment to see a councillor asap. but stilll.....
I have never been so scared b4.I hate what that that thing is doing to him ( i wont call her a woman right now) worst part is...
my mother did the same thing to him.
he's in so much pain. Please god, watch over him. Don't let him die! or be hurt again! he's too good a person. why does sumthing like this happen to him twice! he's not perfect but he does not deserve this.... nobody does!
i love you dad... i hope for your sake she chooses you over that jerk off pig of a man who when shit hit the fan ran away!~ yeah you heard me, when dad confronted him he called the relationship shit and ran off.... my stepmother doesnt see him or my dad fot who they truly are.... dad as a special gift of love and jerk off as a pigish shadow of a cowardly man who only wanted to get into her pants.
much as i am pissed at her, i don't want her to go back to that guy. if she and dad separate, fine....but please thing just dont go back to jerk off! he's using you!
but hey, my problems look like nothing now and also I am no longer feeling lonely... no now i'm worried...and scared....
can i be lonely again please? i'd much rather feel that then this... or better yet... horny. yes i'd like to be horny please. and happy..... not scared and worried!
fuck!
Dad, don't die!
thing! smarten the hell up and open yor eyes and please do not be withen walking distance from me right now!
con'td from last blog.....
well, not so much in a sad mood now. still feelin it tho. Its damn annoying all this! hmmmmm.... this wknd will be nice tho, and hard too. Allen, emily and family are going away for the night. I've said i'll have fun. i really will. i miss having time alone.... gonna take a bath, relax, watch movies till i fall alseep on the couch....
but the loneliness, she does creep in. I am getting the itch to start dating now, not sure tho. I kinda wanted to see where things went w/ allen, make sure we were on firm ground so to speak and also have my own place. as if i did start seeing sumbody i couldnt bring them here.... a) i am living in their basement and am not in a room, but a cornered off area separated by my dressers and blue cutains. and b)allen wld be right upstairs. breaking my rule. not while the other person is around. unless in a blended family. which i'm not.
so even tho allen and emily have said it was ok (we joked about it a few times) i coulndt. and i would be in the same boat now....with sumbody but not. i suppose i cld stay at that persons place, but that wld not be for sum time (gotta know and make sure s'all good) and so again, together but alone.
don't get me wrong, this is the one part that is getting me down. thr lack of time together and the feeling of not quite hiding but, well.... yeah the feeling for the need to hide. Theres tons of good tho! not gonna get off this train yet folks. I really hope this all works and we do end up as long term and maybe as a "family unit"....we three seem to be getting along just fine. and things w/ allen and i seem to be falling in place. I am comfortable w/ this polyamoury all except for the mentioned up above. (and below technically, the last post that is :)
eventually i want a family unit. a blended family. now that is a goal for polyamoury. so even if things dont work for long term between allen and i, i still have that same goal for polyamoury.
I am kinda freaked tho that i have these strong feeling so soon tho. but hey, half the battle for me is building the friendship and intimacy (emotionally) and since allen and i have been friends for so long.... its there already. but i am holding back. i dont want to scare him off, freak him out.
but they're there. and i can't deny that atho i have and always will have no regrets if things dont work....i know i'd still be heartbroken. as i really have fallen. he kept his word. a long while ago when i was just separated he said "if i ever decided to romance you,you'd never know what hit you" or "i'd sweep yo off you feet" or sumthing to that effect, and he has. i've fallen into his arms and i like it. a lot. it all just seems so right. this polyamoury, sharing, being connected mind body and soul.... feels so right. just wish i had more time and could be more free!
friendship first tho. he promised, if things go down hill... friendship first. and allen always does his best to keep promises.
fuck, man. i'm tired now. fell asleep for a while and woke up froma dream now ready to go back to bed i think.
speaking of dreams , had a cpl weird ones lately. gotta think them thru.
in one i'm on my couch with allen. then allens gone and thres this brown thing with a long nose...some kinda monster i supose, floating over me and it swoops down and starts pushing down on my chest. pushing and pushing till i can't breath....
then i wake up.
in the other allens family and my friends find out we're polyamourous and start freaking on me, not allen. not emily. on me. and eventually i'm surrounded an they're all yelling and hitting me and beating me to a pulp. and i'm screaming "let me speak" "stop" "wait" and i wake up.
have feeling they have to do w/ how i'm feeling now. that much is obvious. but what the hell does brown floating monster represent? and as for me yelling "let me speak" do i feel like i can't speak my mind about all this. I suppose i do. cus other then this blog, i havve 5 true friends. 2 are emily and allen, then there ruth, josephine, and mary. ruth i told i'm polyamouroous...just not with who (yet. as she would tear him apart. no really. she freaked when she heard i was polyamourous...) her reply was "sounds like an excuse to have sex w/ lotsa ppl at once" to which i replied "thats swinging. i said i was poly amourous. multiple loves/relationships. not multiple sex w/ no emotional attachments" still, she did not take it well and since she has been monitoring my roommates thru a magnifying glass (so imagine if she found out i was dating one....agh!) so we three decided to let her meet allen and emily as friends then after time tell her. ruth is a good friend, but pushy and too nosy sumtimes. way to nosy. she actually asked how much they make! my roomates salary....wtf? if she knew we were dating, then maybe that wld be ok, but no actually its not so hey! non of her business! so i told her to back off, none her business.
as for my other 2 friends..... ones in a completely different timezone and several days drive away. and mary, well... mary didnt even like the idea of me dating yet."you're still married." and she has a point. i mean allen knows my marriage has been over for like 2 yrs now unofficially and that i am over my ex and have officially separated am waiting for the divorce papers (several mths away). he knows the deal. but a new guy, may not understand. and still see me as married,. a legality. a technicality. that i wish would soon be over....
so i am left with no one to whom i can voice my concerns w/ except via this blog and emily and allen. they have ppl they can talk to... i'll make do w/my blog i suppose....
fuck! wish i could cuddle right now. even with my ex i slept alone. but at least our relationship was done for. allen is upstairs and i want to be wth him. I have no jelousy, no envy. actyually i am quite sensitive to emily always thinking of her firt, she comes first. if their relationship is tong then the polyamoury has a chance. if their relationship begins to suffer, its over thats that, she comes first. i know that. allen promised her that a long time ago when they first started and i am only too happy to oblige. emily and allens relationship have #1 priority in this little polyamourous ring circle, triangle...whatever!~ :) i
i just want more time with him is all. i get him for an hour or 2 a night, if that. and occasionally an hour in the mornings....
not nuff time.
i'll mention that to him. maybe we cls have a night alone every cpl wks. maybe nxt wknd we cld go out on night.... for a drive. a walk. just us. still wld have to be back by certain time b4 kids woke up.... but still if i set the alarm....
I love this feeling of wanting and waiting and feeling all mushy and goooey when i think about allen. and the strong feelings. the comfortableness of all this. the rightness.
but the loneliness, she does creep in. I am getting the itch to start dating now, not sure tho. I kinda wanted to see where things went w/ allen, make sure we were on firm ground so to speak and also have my own place. as if i did start seeing sumbody i couldnt bring them here.... a) i am living in their basement and am not in a room, but a cornered off area separated by my dressers and blue cutains. and b)allen wld be right upstairs. breaking my rule. not while the other person is around. unless in a blended family. which i'm not.
so even tho allen and emily have said it was ok (we joked about it a few times) i coulndt. and i would be in the same boat now....with sumbody but not. i suppose i cld stay at that persons place, but that wld not be for sum time (gotta know and make sure s'all good) and so again, together but alone.
don't get me wrong, this is the one part that is getting me down. thr lack of time together and the feeling of not quite hiding but, well.... yeah the feeling for the need to hide. Theres tons of good tho! not gonna get off this train yet folks. I really hope this all works and we do end up as long term and maybe as a "family unit"....we three seem to be getting along just fine. and things w/ allen and i seem to be falling in place. I am comfortable w/ this polyamoury all except for the mentioned up above. (and below technically, the last post that is :)
eventually i want a family unit. a blended family. now that is a goal for polyamoury. so even if things dont work for long term between allen and i, i still have that same goal for polyamoury.
I am kinda freaked tho that i have these strong feeling so soon tho. but hey, half the battle for me is building the friendship and intimacy (emotionally) and since allen and i have been friends for so long.... its there already. but i am holding back. i dont want to scare him off, freak him out.
but they're there. and i can't deny that atho i have and always will have no regrets if things dont work....i know i'd still be heartbroken. as i really have fallen. he kept his word. a long while ago when i was just separated he said "if i ever decided to romance you,you'd never know what hit you" or "i'd sweep yo off you feet" or sumthing to that effect, and he has. i've fallen into his arms and i like it. a lot. it all just seems so right. this polyamoury, sharing, being connected mind body and soul.... feels so right. just wish i had more time and could be more free!
friendship first tho. he promised, if things go down hill... friendship first. and allen always does his best to keep promises.
fuck, man. i'm tired now. fell asleep for a while and woke up froma dream now ready to go back to bed i think.
speaking of dreams , had a cpl weird ones lately. gotta think them thru.
in one i'm on my couch with allen. then allens gone and thres this brown thing with a long nose...some kinda monster i supose, floating over me and it swoops down and starts pushing down on my chest. pushing and pushing till i can't breath....
then i wake up.
in the other allens family and my friends find out we're polyamourous and start freaking on me, not allen. not emily. on me. and eventually i'm surrounded an they're all yelling and hitting me and beating me to a pulp. and i'm screaming "let me speak" "stop" "wait" and i wake up.
have feeling they have to do w/ how i'm feeling now. that much is obvious. but what the hell does brown floating monster represent? and as for me yelling "let me speak" do i feel like i can't speak my mind about all this. I suppose i do. cus other then this blog, i havve 5 true friends. 2 are emily and allen, then there ruth, josephine, and mary. ruth i told i'm polyamouroous...just not with who (yet. as she would tear him apart. no really. she freaked when she heard i was polyamourous...) her reply was "sounds like an excuse to have sex w/ lotsa ppl at once" to which i replied "thats swinging. i said i was poly amourous. multiple loves/relationships. not multiple sex w/ no emotional attachments" still, she did not take it well and since she has been monitoring my roommates thru a magnifying glass (so imagine if she found out i was dating one....agh!) so we three decided to let her meet allen and emily as friends then after time tell her. ruth is a good friend, but pushy and too nosy sumtimes. way to nosy. she actually asked how much they make! my roomates salary....wtf? if she knew we were dating, then maybe that wld be ok, but no actually its not so hey! non of her business! so i told her to back off, none her business.
as for my other 2 friends..... ones in a completely different timezone and several days drive away. and mary, well... mary didnt even like the idea of me dating yet."you're still married." and she has a point. i mean allen knows my marriage has been over for like 2 yrs now unofficially and that i am over my ex and have officially separated am waiting for the divorce papers (several mths away). he knows the deal. but a new guy, may not understand. and still see me as married,. a legality. a technicality. that i wish would soon be over....
so i am left with no one to whom i can voice my concerns w/ except via this blog and emily and allen. they have ppl they can talk to... i'll make do w/my blog i suppose....
fuck! wish i could cuddle right now. even with my ex i slept alone. but at least our relationship was done for. allen is upstairs and i want to be wth him. I have no jelousy, no envy. actyually i am quite sensitive to emily always thinking of her firt, she comes first. if their relationship is tong then the polyamoury has a chance. if their relationship begins to suffer, its over thats that, she comes first. i know that. allen promised her that a long time ago when they first started and i am only too happy to oblige. emily and allens relationship have #1 priority in this little polyamourous ring circle, triangle...whatever!~ :) i
i just want more time with him is all. i get him for an hour or 2 a night, if that. and occasionally an hour in the mornings....
not nuff time.
i'll mention that to him. maybe we cls have a night alone every cpl wks. maybe nxt wknd we cld go out on night.... for a drive. a walk. just us. still wld have to be back by certain time b4 kids woke up.... but still if i set the alarm....
I love this feeling of wanting and waiting and feeling all mushy and goooey when i think about allen. and the strong feelings. the comfortableness of all this. the rightness.
Friday, October 5, 2007
thought for today......
Well, trying my best to stay afloat. Trying not to slip into myself and cut everybody off like i usually do. Feel people getting close and i am feeling the itch more then ever to push them all away and just fade into myself again. Theres some comfort in being alone. no chance for hurt. no pain. just you and yourself.
but i can't do that.
not again.
But the temptation is always there, because no matter how hard i fight it the fear of abandonment is always there. especially when i'm on new territory. it was easy to be alone.... this, all this is not easy. I'm so afraid i'll screw up, like i always do. i'm afraid to fail. i'm afraid to be hurt. and i'm just plain afraid.
at least i am today.
this feeling comes and goes. lately it's been a dull ache. something in the back of my mind and heart creeping around. as much as i feel like i belong, and as safe as i feel i am, that feeling creeps in. tells me to run away now while i still can. distance myself b4 i'm hurt.
Fighting this feeling is so hard on nights like tonight. actually its there most nights, when i'm alone in bed, or waking up to an alarm clock and a cat curled up by my side where a lover should be.
loneliness is sometimes the strongest when your with somebody. not sure what all this is, too soon to tell. least i know where i want it to go.... and all i can go is go with the flow and hope is goes where i want. the future is unknown. all i know is how i feel when i'm around him.... alive, free, like myself, open, comfortable, loved, strong, weak, safe, welcomed, wanted... connected. and i desperatly want more. i wish i could hold him and not have to worry are the kids near. i want to fall asleep on the couch cuddling and know that everything ok, i wont have to get up and leave b4 a certain time. I have really enjoyed our bus rides. when he woud put his arm around me as we rode to work together.... that was so nice.
but i can't do that.
not again.
But the temptation is always there, because no matter how hard i fight it the fear of abandonment is always there. especially when i'm on new territory. it was easy to be alone.... this, all this is not easy. I'm so afraid i'll screw up, like i always do. i'm afraid to fail. i'm afraid to be hurt. and i'm just plain afraid.
at least i am today.
this feeling comes and goes. lately it's been a dull ache. something in the back of my mind and heart creeping around. as much as i feel like i belong, and as safe as i feel i am, that feeling creeps in. tells me to run away now while i still can. distance myself b4 i'm hurt.
Fighting this feeling is so hard on nights like tonight. actually its there most nights, when i'm alone in bed, or waking up to an alarm clock and a cat curled up by my side where a lover should be.
loneliness is sometimes the strongest when your with somebody. not sure what all this is, too soon to tell. least i know where i want it to go.... and all i can go is go with the flow and hope is goes where i want. the future is unknown. all i know is how i feel when i'm around him.... alive, free, like myself, open, comfortable, loved, strong, weak, safe, welcomed, wanted... connected. and i desperatly want more. i wish i could hold him and not have to worry are the kids near. i want to fall asleep on the couch cuddling and know that everything ok, i wont have to get up and leave b4 a certain time. I have really enjoyed our bus rides. when he woud put his arm around me as we rode to work together.... that was so nice.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
today..
DIVORCE
Broken Lives torn apart.
we had a chance,
we had a start.
I ran the race.
I did my best.
but in the end
it was for naught.
You had my heart.
You had my life.
I gave it all.
Our happy ending,
was not meant to be.
and so....
I'll wait.
YOU
I''m over you.
I have been for a while now.
I tried to make myself feel something,
anything at all.
I tried.
But you hurt me.
Pushed me down and around.
I was nothing to you.
Don't say you love me.
Because i don't love you.
It won't work this time.
I'm over you.
Broken Lives torn apart.
we had a chance,
we had a start.
I ran the race.
I did my best.
but in the end
it was for naught.
You had my heart.
You had my life.
I gave it all.
Our happy ending,
was not meant to be.
and so....
I'll wait.
YOU
I''m over you.
I have been for a while now.
I tried to make myself feel something,
anything at all.
I tried.
But you hurt me.
Pushed me down and around.
I was nothing to you.
Don't say you love me.
Because i don't love you.
It won't work this time.
I'm over you.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
todays theme songs
THESE ARE FOR HIM: HEHEHEHEHE. HARSH,... YES. BUT WITH TIME I'LL FORGIVE, I WONT FORGET OR CONDONE... BUT I'LL FORGIVE. BUT FOR NOW. I'm STILL TOO MAD!
KIM STOCKWOOD: YOU JERK
Since you've been gone I feel so much better
Cause I saw how mean you could be
I used to want some explanation
Now all I want is my Patsy Cline CD
How I've waited for today
When I could finally say
You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don't work
Sometimes I wish I'd mailed you that letter
That said the things I dare not say
Instead I set the thing on fire
I had to say this outloud anyway
I'm so glad I found the nerve
To say what you deserve
You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don't work
They try to be so cool
Insult you like a fool
Never take your call when you're nobody at all
Until you're somebody and then they want to be your friend
How come jerks don't know they're jerks
(I don't know)
So next time someone makes you feel little
Just sing this song inside your head
And like a great big cartoon bubble
These lovely words will dance above their head
How I've waited for today
When I could finally say
You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don't work
You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don't work
You screwed over the wrong girl man, now you're alone. I'm sick of your bullshit. i see you for who you are. you're alone now, and i HAVE NO REGRETS, ESPECIALL AFTER SUNDAY NIGHTS FIASCO!
PROM KINGS: ALONE
Whats my name
Whats your deal
Whats this all about
I see your lips
I know they spill
Like shit is coming out
So here i go, im back again
I guess i'm following the trend
I should have known, i should have sensed
I should have listened to my friends
I'm feeling sane, gotta stay
After all that we've been through
And in my brain it is the same
So i shook it up on you
And by the way, move your play
>From me like you've got that class
These five words i wanna say
You can kiss this white boys....
So what do you want from me
You're killing my sanity
I'm trying too hard to see
The sun is gone, im alll alone
So what do you want from me
I'm sick of you choking me
You're stealing the air i breathe
This love is gone and you're alone
I'm feeling black
I'm feeling blue
I'm feeling so caught up in you
I'm feeling played
I'm feeling used
I'm feeling like its all i do
So here i go, i'm back again
Started listening to my friends
I changed her out, she tore me in
I'll never do that shit again
So what do you want from me
You're kiling my sanity
I'm trying too hard to see
The sun is gone, i'm all alone
So what do you want from me
I'm sick of you choking me
You're stealing the air i breathe
This love is gone and you're alone
You're so alone
You're so alone
You're so alone
You're so alone
You're so alone
So what do you want from me
You're killing my sanity
I'm trying too hard to see
This love is gone, i'm all alone
So what do you want from me
I'm sick of you choking me
You're stealing the air i breathe
This love is gone and you're alone
So what do you want from me
You're killing my sanity
So what do you want (what do you want)
So what do you want from me
So what do you want from me
I'm sick of you choking me
So what do you want (what do you want)
So what do you want from me
You're so alone
You're so alone
KIM STOCKWOOD: YOU JERK
Since you've been gone I feel so much better
Cause I saw how mean you could be
I used to want some explanation
Now all I want is my Patsy Cline CD
How I've waited for today
When I could finally say
You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don't work
Sometimes I wish I'd mailed you that letter
That said the things I dare not say
Instead I set the thing on fire
I had to say this outloud anyway
I'm so glad I found the nerve
To say what you deserve
You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don't work
They try to be so cool
Insult you like a fool
Never take your call when you're nobody at all
Until you're somebody and then they want to be your friend
How come jerks don't know they're jerks
(I don't know)
So next time someone makes you feel little
Just sing this song inside your head
And like a great big cartoon bubble
These lovely words will dance above their head
How I've waited for today
When I could finally say
You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don't work
You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don't work
You screwed over the wrong girl man, now you're alone. I'm sick of your bullshit. i see you for who you are. you're alone now, and i HAVE NO REGRETS, ESPECIALL AFTER SUNDAY NIGHTS FIASCO!
PROM KINGS: ALONE
Whats my name
Whats your deal
Whats this all about
I see your lips
I know they spill
Like shit is coming out
So here i go, im back again
I guess i'm following the trend
I should have known, i should have sensed
I should have listened to my friends
I'm feeling sane, gotta stay
After all that we've been through
And in my brain it is the same
So i shook it up on you
And by the way, move your play
>From me like you've got that class
These five words i wanna say
You can kiss this white boys....
So what do you want from me
You're killing my sanity
I'm trying too hard to see
The sun is gone, im alll alone
So what do you want from me
I'm sick of you choking me
You're stealing the air i breathe
This love is gone and you're alone
I'm feeling black
I'm feeling blue
I'm feeling so caught up in you
I'm feeling played
I'm feeling used
I'm feeling like its all i do
So here i go, i'm back again
Started listening to my friends
I changed her out, she tore me in
I'll never do that shit again
So what do you want from me
You're kiling my sanity
I'm trying too hard to see
The sun is gone, i'm all alone
So what do you want from me
I'm sick of you choking me
You're stealing the air i breathe
This love is gone and you're alone
You're so alone
You're so alone
You're so alone
You're so alone
You're so alone
So what do you want from me
You're killing my sanity
I'm trying too hard to see
This love is gone, i'm all alone
So what do you want from me
I'm sick of you choking me
You're stealing the air i breathe
This love is gone and you're alone
So what do you want from me
You're killing my sanity
So what do you want (what do you want)
So what do you want from me
So what do you want from me
I'm sick of you choking me
So what do you want (what do you want)
So what do you want from me
You're so alone
You're so alone
dear dear dear......
I am beyond pissed now.i am just so utterly diapointed and hurt. It happened sunday night and i still feel it. Physically, and emotionally.
Iwas goin to do the final clean up on the old apartment on saturday- you know wash floors walls, bathroom, kitchen etc. as part of the agreement my ex and i had and also i wnted my half of the security deposit. well, he was there all Saturday and i was tired so i figured i'd do it sunday morning after i picked up my guppy aquarium and coffee tables ( the last of my things.).,skip church and be all done for practice at 1pm. afterall, it would only take a few hours to clean....
so i showed up sunday morning, the place was ad isater area. junk everwheres, clothes, boxes, garbage, etc. so i took my stuff and figured he'd clean it up by that night... he had to right, i mean he wanted his security deposit back, didnt he?
that night after church i called the neighbour to find out that he had not taken out the junk. I was devastated. I have a hert condirion, how could he leave all that junk to lugg on my own. I almost said "fuck it" but then emily (god bless her, fuck she's an awesome friend!) asked Allen to help me.
10 hrs.... it took us 10 hrs! it was suposed to be done by midnight but that didnt happen. Allen tried to make it as peasant as possible (sneaking a few kisses here and there, hmmmmmmm nice very nice) but it was still stressfull. 9pm-7am. 10 hrs. Jerk off even had the nerve to show up at 6am and "offer help" I am proud of myself tho. i didnt punch him out. or cry.or yell. i just told him to leave.... and he did. then later that day he emailed me and said " i love you. i don't know why you freaked out and told me to leave? i only wanted to help." so i replied back telling him to not say "i love you", and "i had never been more disapointed and hurt. I was ashamed of him... he knew of my heart condition and that there was no possible way i cld havelugged all that stuff out myself without sending me to the hospital! and it was supposed to be done at midight what possible help cld he have offered when it was supposed to be done 6 hrs ago! "
he hasnt replied back.
and i'm glad.
you know what was hilarious tho. out of all the stuff he left behind he took one item i was hoping he'd forget... he took the damn lamp! the one thing i forgot to negotiate. the lamp i searched for so long to find and then bought.... my lamp. my 50$ lamp. he took the damn lamp! What the fuck! he doesnt even need a lamp!
thats ok, i got like 10$ worrth of change, several poewer bars, some shelves and whatever else i could find!
But yeah, i can't guarentee i wont say a few bad things about him now. I can't see us being friends. I want nothing more to do with him. that was dirty thing to do.
Monday morning my chest was so tight i could hardly breathe, even after a hot shower. i stayed home sick and didnt get out of bed from 730am till 430pm. and i havent told my roomates but i still feel kinda odd. my breathing still isnt right. allen doent know that, and he wont. after a few days it should be fine again. it was funny tho, allen saisd that at 9am when he left for work i was noring a lot! I don't snore, that just goes to show how bad off my chest was! and how tired i wa`s too!
well, i need to go to bed now. at least this sunday night venture has caused me to go to bed earlier... fuck i'm so tired!
heres t hoping i keep my cool, get well soon and chilax. its done. only the security deposit left. then all done... no more ex!
thank god!
Iwas goin to do the final clean up on the old apartment on saturday- you know wash floors walls, bathroom, kitchen etc. as part of the agreement my ex and i had and also i wnted my half of the security deposit. well, he was there all Saturday and i was tired so i figured i'd do it sunday morning after i picked up my guppy aquarium and coffee tables ( the last of my things.).,skip church and be all done for practice at 1pm. afterall, it would only take a few hours to clean....
so i showed up sunday morning, the place was ad isater area. junk everwheres, clothes, boxes, garbage, etc. so i took my stuff and figured he'd clean it up by that night... he had to right, i mean he wanted his security deposit back, didnt he?
that night after church i called the neighbour to find out that he had not taken out the junk. I was devastated. I have a hert condirion, how could he leave all that junk to lugg on my own. I almost said "fuck it" but then emily (god bless her, fuck she's an awesome friend!) asked Allen to help me.
10 hrs.... it took us 10 hrs! it was suposed to be done by midnight but that didnt happen. Allen tried to make it as peasant as possible (sneaking a few kisses here and there, hmmmmmmm nice very nice) but it was still stressfull. 9pm-7am. 10 hrs. Jerk off even had the nerve to show up at 6am and "offer help" I am proud of myself tho. i didnt punch him out. or cry.or yell. i just told him to leave.... and he did. then later that day he emailed me and said " i love you. i don't know why you freaked out and told me to leave? i only wanted to help." so i replied back telling him to not say "i love you", and "i had never been more disapointed and hurt. I was ashamed of him... he knew of my heart condition and that there was no possible way i cld havelugged all that stuff out myself without sending me to the hospital! and it was supposed to be done at midight what possible help cld he have offered when it was supposed to be done 6 hrs ago! "
he hasnt replied back.
and i'm glad.
you know what was hilarious tho. out of all the stuff he left behind he took one item i was hoping he'd forget... he took the damn lamp! the one thing i forgot to negotiate. the lamp i searched for so long to find and then bought.... my lamp. my 50$ lamp. he took the damn lamp! What the fuck! he doesnt even need a lamp!
thats ok, i got like 10$ worrth of change, several poewer bars, some shelves and whatever else i could find!
But yeah, i can't guarentee i wont say a few bad things about him now. I can't see us being friends. I want nothing more to do with him. that was dirty thing to do.
Monday morning my chest was so tight i could hardly breathe, even after a hot shower. i stayed home sick and didnt get out of bed from 730am till 430pm. and i havent told my roomates but i still feel kinda odd. my breathing still isnt right. allen doent know that, and he wont. after a few days it should be fine again. it was funny tho, allen saisd that at 9am when he left for work i was noring a lot! I don't snore, that just goes to show how bad off my chest was! and how tired i wa`s too!
well, i need to go to bed now. at least this sunday night venture has caused me to go to bed earlier... fuck i'm so tired!
heres t hoping i keep my cool, get well soon and chilax. its done. only the security deposit left. then all done... no more ex!
thank god!
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