But time, new love, and Jesus heal all wounds

Monday, May 30, 2011

bad poetry :-)

FORGET
caught up in yesterdays pain
it is difficult to see
today beauty.
why don't u just let it go?
because the pain,
is almost as beautiful as
the pleasure?

SMILE
this morning,
you muttered three words.
half asleep,
barely awake,
you said three words
and my heart soared.
love you too.

TWO MEN
poly in heart
mono by choice
i do not regret
the pain of my choice
it carries with it
freedom and
pleasure
along with pain.

HEARTACHE
memories haunt
they sneer at me from the dark
tease me in the light.
take away this pain
and replace it with joy.
let me forget
so i can
remember new joy
later.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

teme song

my hope for me and wesley.....
my hope for allan and emily (who i think just need to sumhow work thigs out. theres no reason they cannot. this is foolishness, and they should know it!)
my hope for all my freinds..... that after all the years, they will be happy and togteher with their loves

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

BY JOURNEY


Video here
lyrics
A faded wedding photograph
You and me in our first dance
Our eyes are closed
We're lost in one sweet embrace
Since those days the world has changed
Our love remains the same
God knows we've had our share of saving grace

And I'm proud of all the blessings
You have given me
The mountains we have climbed to get this far
You learn to take the laughter with the tears
After all these years

You make it feel brand new
After the fires that we walked thru
Against the odds we never lost our faith
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/journey/after_all_these_years.html ]
In a house we've made our own
Where our children all have grown
Precious moments time can not erase

Make a livin' up and down the gypsy highway
Seasons that we've beared to share apart
Somehow in my heart I always keep you near
After all these years

After all these years
You stood by me
The days and nights that I was gone
After all these years
You sacrificed, believed in me
And you stood strong
Cause with our love there's nothing left to fear
After all these years

After all these years
You stood by me
The days and nights that I was gone
After all these years
You sacrificed, believed in me
And you stood strong
Cause with our love there's nothing left to fear
After all these years

the world had changed.... for better? toughts and theme song

I try not to be angry, hurt, or frustrated.
i am failing miserably.
i try to let go and forget freinds and lovedones like emily and allan....
i am failing miserably.

on a lighter side.... falling more and more for wesley. spent last night listening to a bunch of music diddies he made via midi player like fifteen yrs ago. they are pretty good actually. wishi ould sumhow pilfer a cpl and post em here. he also explained to me about midi file music...how (and forgive me if i get this wrong) the computer pulls the sound from its sound card. and that sum sounds are not found on some soundcard so the computer just goes, here i have this instead. so poor wesley was quite disapointed with sum of his music saying "its not supposed . to sound liek that...theres thi here and that there"
some of my fave afternoons or evenings are time well wasted laying on his lap listening to his music play lists (some he hasd made himself other times interesting stuff he likes to share)
i love him dearly, and it has only been three months...oh dear gal, slow down or u r gonna crash and burn and it will hurt...a fuck ton.
speaking of fucking... doing it. altho, terrified of pregnancy (i'm TERRIBLE at taking pills) so kinda spareingly. whch sucks, cus...i am like wanting to fuck..al the time LOL
had a "talk" with poor wesley last night. my three mth talk. managed to get sum info outta him.
goals mainly.....
alright...
so
in life he would like one kid
a house
his woman to have a career which doesnt take her away too much
ummmm.....shit what else
theyr were pretty vague and general....
anyways it is about all i can expect or did want to hear...
i jys wantd to know if he eventually wanted kids. if he eventually wanted ,ore then...a fck buddy girlfreind...u know?
and he does. thanfully
altho...giggle...i want 2 kids. shhhhh we wont tell him that n scare him yet. sheesh i was lucky to get that much outta him. the man is gunshy when it comes to these kinda questions... i just want general goals..u know? thats all...
not plans. just goals. thats all i wanted...goals.
anyways.... i think teaching or my back up (if i get prego) medical admin work well with what he said..and most ppl know htese r things i always said i wanted fer careers. preferable teacher but medical admin was the shit i need a good job inna pinch sumthing that wont take 5 yrs!
medivcal admis takes 10mths LOL

he is a sweet man, altho skiddish at times when i ask hard questions. he is very sweet. a fello geek to the core. we have tons in commmon. he reminds me A LOT of allan. altho, less "out there" more laid back no thats not it more umm..dialed down verison. yeah thats it. dialed down. lol. until we r alone then our humour gets the better of us and we r bantering back n forth..very one of my freinds says "he has ur humour"... wonder if his friends say the same bout me and mu humoour lol. he is a god man, puts me first says i am priority one. goes to chuirch with me once inna while cus i ask nicely guess lol.
we do everything allan an d i couldnt.
we have facebook couple profile pic up. i loveit. i have his pic at my desk at work. we always walk arm in arm. snuggle or cuddle in public. theres no secret. theres no worry that we will be found out. no worry how will this effect the kids? no worry about is he spending enough time with his other women....noi owrry about how will we fit me into his home what if i get prego how willt hat work? it is just...him and me. so much easier....
i just choose to be only with one. i chose wesley.
and maybe i kopped out.... who knows.
all i know is...i'm happy. happier then ive ever been ina long while. cus as hapy as i was with allan, there was always a ton of drama....
theres no drama with wesley.
wesley isnt a rebound.... he was my eyes oened to the gfact..i'm poly at heart...mono by choice.
i love you wesley.
by the way....
he has said those words a couple ties now!!!!!!
my head spun when i heard them. he has said them a cpl times during sex. and another cpl times when i said it to him before he hads home. he send one text that said "wuv you" giggle. but i dont count that. his actions speak louder then worfds...but..i still love hearig it. i say it often. i hope he doesnt take those words lightly..it took me like two mths to say em!!!!! lol.
life is good. ithas its heartache (allan and emily, dad and his wife) but....life is good. it was good before, wesley just makes it better.
oh and...he spends a lot og nights here now overnight. we stil have troublke sleeping well together..that will coem with time i hope.....
i love falling asleep and wakig up the nextday to my lovew and not worrying that he was supposed to be back home....
that feel great.
just him..and me.
oh and like me, he doesnt knowhow to drive. :-) and like me. he is in school just started back. oh and like me.... he is a geek. annns annnnd....oh i just love him. and
so do my cats. lol
and he lovesthem to lol

Sunday, May 22, 2011

todays peotry and sum Fox-y music

Fox elipsus music had me getting out some of my more bluesey moods today in the form of (badly written) poetry. His music is equally as emotionally and thought provokingly strong as some of the great ones of music. you can find his link here to his website and here are some videos that i love which also decsribe how i am feeling these days... Before you go link here and Unrequited link here and i could go with you link here and only in dreams here
i never thought a molested girl like me deserved sumbody as sweet and wonderful as wesley....
and as for allan... now that i am dateing wesley and ina monogamous realtionship i see that polyamory was too much, i couldnt handle being number two all the time.....
damn my heart....


UNKOWN
friend or foe
or lover
my heart didnt know.
what did i do?
where did i end up?
how did i get
to this place
where u and i
and us....
dont exist?


REGRET
I ran away from you
to spare me the pain
and in turn, broke my heart.
Your touch was to my soul
terrifying and exhilerating
your love was both the chains that bound me
and the wings to make me soar
loveing you was torture
and pleasure

MISSING
I left you,
fell into his arms,
felt warmth
of my tears
and his love.
two hearts,
one choice,
something torn
remains


CONFUSED
the anger i feel
it is a mask.
i run and
hide and
push
and scream.
i tear
and smash
and scream
all the louder.
just to cover
the sadness
and the truth
i was not strong enough
to trust you again.

ALLAN
you were there,
when i was broken.
made me whole and held me close
you were there
when i was scared
and lost
and all alone.
or were you?
never mine,
always second,
never thine,
always part time...
you were a dream
i tried to make reality.


WESLEY
say those words.
make me yours.
take my heart.
i forgot who i was.
i cant ever go back
i gave it all up.
just say the words,
and i am yours....
three words...
carry so much weight.

CRY ALONE
I am stray.
never had a
home
wandering
looking for a place
i belong.
try to stay,
always get scared.
run and hide
if home is where the heart is
then my heart
is a stray.....

SORRY, MON AMOUR
caught between
love and a lie
you broke my heart
and my trust
you shattered and
lost
my heart
or so i thought.
but now
i'm his
and you,
you'll never
be mine.
two loves
one heart
and only one life.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

to wesley

Listening for Love
By Jayne Fisher

There are times when we are timid and shy about expressing the love we feel. For fear of embarrassing the other person, or ourselves, we hesitate to say the actual words �I love you�. So we try to communicate the idea in other words. We say �take care� or �don�t drive too fast� or �be good�.

But really, these are just other ways of saying �I love you�. �You are important to me�, �I care what happens to you, and �I don�t want you to get hurt� all mean �I love you�. We are sometimes very strange people. The only thing we want to say, and the one thing that we should say, is the one thing we don�t say. And yet because the feeling is so real, and the need to say it is so strong, we are driven to use other words and signs to say what we really mean. And many times the meaning never gets communicated at all and the other person is left feeling unloved and unwanted.

Therefore, I believe we have to listen for love in the words that people are saying to us. Sometimes the explicit words are necessary, but more often, the manner of saying things is even more important. A joyous insult carries more affection and love within the sentiments, which are expressed insincerely. An impulsive hug says �I love you� even though the words might be saying something very different.

CHARICE : I LOVE YOU

VIDEO HERE

LYRICS :

I opened my mouth
It all rushed out spoken
Though I never meant you to know it

I lost all of my self and got held in the moment
without even knowing

I stopped and got lost in my mind
I never felt so unraveled in my whole life

[Chorus]
I said I love you, I love you, I love you
But now I'll regret it
I said I love you, I love you, I love you
But I'm sorry I said it

But what's done is done
I can't undo what's done
Don't wanna hurt this thing we've just begun
I know I've said it
But can we forget this?

I caught my self that I'm scared that we're broken
Though you never do see it coming

And I don't know what, why or how our hearts are hoping
My feelings are showing

I stopped and got lost in your eyes
I never thought you could make me so alive

[Chorus]
I said I love you, I love you, I love you
But now I'll regret it
I said I love you, I love you, I love you
But I'm sorry I said it

But what's done is done
I can't undo what's done
Don't wanna hurt this thing we've just begun
I know I've said it
But can we forget this?

Now I'm hoping your heart's open
Words unfolded
Now you know and

I couldn't hold it all inside
Push it back in to rewind
Now my secret is spoken...

[Chorus 2x]

I love you and now I regret it
I love you I'm sorry I said it
[2x]

Saturday, May 7, 2011

todays theme song

Wesley showed me this song. he is always so very musical.... my fave thing is when we are walking down the street and he will say "sing us a tune babe" and i will start singing and he joins right in..... usually this is the song we sing.
Wesley babey u r my blue horizon

Video here
Lou Christie
Beyond Blue horizon
Lyrics:
Beyond the blue horizon
Waits a beautiful day
Goodbye to things that bore me
Joy is waiting for me

I see a new horizon
My life has only begun
Beyond the blue horizon
Lies a rising sun

Beyond the blue horizon
Waits a beautiful day
Goodbye to things that bore me
Joy is waiting for me

I see a new horizon
My life has only begun
Beyond the blue horizon
Lies a rising sun

Beyond the blue horizon
Lies a rising sun

Friday, May 6, 2011

"my little night elf"

LOL ever have nicknames for your significant others?
for frank, it was beb (a short form of the french bebe) or babe
for alla it was handsum
and for wesley it is babes, baby, handsum, hun, sexy, or cheri.
wesley has nivk names for me too.....
he calls me His anime babe and "his little night elf" . you have to b a geek to understand. see we both love japanese anime. and ther anime girls well, they alwasy have nice hips, flate tummies and big boobs. so he says, i look like an anime babe with my hourglass figure, flat tummy and d cup size boobs LOL as for the night elf thing... it is my favourite thing...
when he says "ah, my little night elf" it makes me swoon. LOL. he plays worls of warcraft, an online game. there is a type of character species called a night elf. the felmales always have big boobs and they doo this thing where they stand with the lags together, arm behind their back and go up and down in pace to make their boobs bounce.
welll i didd it just once as a joke to turn him on and welll.. it stuck. he now calls me his little night elf ...sumtime after i do my boob bounceing and sumtimes he says it and then i boob bounce.
he doesnt think i'm fat...which btw im not i just have been told it my whole life and beleived it is all :-) and he gets turned on by me.
one night i wore my lttle black dress for him and i looked down and... he had a hard on. wow the power of a black dress!!!! i mean, i was fully clotheed and so was he and ... we werent doig n e thingi was just showing him my dress... and wow. hard on!
lol.
he is very respect ful. we still have only fooled around. we havent had full on sex. i told him i want to wait for marriage or at very least till i am in love... and he respects that.
well.... last week i bought condoms and birth control and showed him... and he is all excited now as am i....
i even let the words i love you slip out...
he has not ssaid it back.
granted, i'm his first girlfrind in 8 yrs! and we've only dated 3 mths. so perhaps he is just taking it slow...
he says thinks like he "likes me a lot" and he bought me gorgeous white gold sparley earings as a one month gift, and for easter he took me to meet his whole family for easter dinner... and we do stuff in public together like dinner and movies and hanging out and cuddling and repsectful forms of pda.... heel today he even sugested putting a couples picture of him and me at my desk at work....
but... he hasnt said the words. and i know actions can speak louder then words... but
i hope he realises just what it means for me to say thse words. i have told him, i dont say them until i mean them. and i've fallen for him. right now, he would make me the happiest woman if only he would say those words back...
i knwo i know he maybe jus isnt at the same level as me. i mean me, i am very in tune with myself... i know what i feel and well maybe he just isnt used to ths yet....
i just, i dunno. i keep haveing to tell myself it is okay to fall in love. i have to keep teling myself it is ok to risk being hurt. i have to keep telling myslef...it is ok, trust wesley...trust me, and just beleive and feel what i feel....
oh wesley.... please , say those words ..... sweety u already have my geart, it is yours. justtry not to break it. i hope u fele the way i do... cus i love you. i am patient, i can wait till u feel the same....i just hope that i dont get hurt.
i wearmy heart on my sleeve....that is dangerous but honest.

je taime cheri

Thursday, May 5, 2011

allan, no contact please! sheesh!

I went to see thor tonight with wesley. Loved it.
saw allan ther too. he was one person behind me. i dunno what it is but it is liek i have allan-dar. like i sense hes thewre, weird. maybe after u've been with sumbody long enuff you develop that?
I asked him for no contact in febuary. it started with me an emily fighting on the phone "i hate the control you have over him and my family" she screamed "well fine. no fucking control if i'm not around. no more contact. see ya. we r thru as freinds" and that was t i cut off contact. he then sends me an email via facebook asking if he and emily are "healthy". it SSCARED ME. I said YES THEY WERE. altho NO THEY ARENT, and said no more contact from him either. a cpl weeks later he comments ona status on facebook of mine. so i text hime... "i'm sorry if i wasnt clear. but i saw ur facebook post. no more contact please." he said "i thought we were aquaintances still. i said "no, my bad for not being clear. no we arent and no more contact with me" then he decides to text me again a cpl weeks later "i have ur money i owe u. i can pick u up at work" well i'm not gonna turn down money that i am owed, it wasnt no 5$ neither! so i decline the drive home and tell hin to meet me at my apt at 8pm after i get off work and that i know the girls have dance so bring them along if needed (he cant say n e thing w/ then there nor stay long) . then i send a text to wesley to make sure he is there when allan shows up. allan does, and he kinda does this feet shuffle thing where he looks like he wants to linger but sees wesley makes a comment about awkwardness and then says if eber i need to talk he is there for me and leaves. then a cpl weeks later he again texts me. this time wanted to meet me for five minutes. then texts me whan i dont reply that he needs to to taslk t me about sumthing faceto face rather then via text. at this point, i dont reply. i just decide he is tryng to gettime to see me is all. the next day he sends me a poissy text about since i didnt reply and he will just tell me via tevt...
he and emily are separated. it has nothing to do with me.
cant say i didnt see that one coming. apparently according to my friend paul..who told me without my asking, he aactually caled me a week b4 allans text to let me know..apparently allan and emilys relationship declined severly after imad emy choice at no and i made choice of no more contact. they have severe trust issues. she hid things from her and him from her too. all this bs came out after i left btw. they found out emily has a severe problem with telling the truth, she lies and hides stuff. and that allan has issues too (unknown by paul)...and they just decided to separate.
well gee now his contacting me masde sense!
anyways after th texts.... i decide to remove him from facebook friend list. previosuly i kept him on there because not everybody knows about our old relationship and i dont want everybody to know....but afte=r the texts i figure he will get the point not to contact me.
nope.
he sends me another facebook emails saying "i dont get it. whats did i do wrong, u removed me fro facebook freinds list?"
i dunno how about YOU KEEP CONTACTING ME WHEN I HAVE TOLD YOU NOT TO!"
so then i figure..ok...lets talke to paul abouth this. paulk says that allan has blinder son and wwant to be my freind again 9maybe more) and is chaseing me and that i shoudl talk to lisa..and he and lisa will beathump it into allands head to leave me alone.
oh and by the way.. all this goes on and allans grls are invited to gabriel (my godsons) bday party so guess hwat i wiull have had to be around alanna and emily and the kids!
so lisa and paul beathump allan... and they say he will behave.
i ask lisato ask allan to goive her my apt keys back. or ifhe likes give em to paul. or if he likes give em to his neighbour who is my freind and knows the situation....
lisa talks to him and
he refused. SAID HE WLD GIVE THEM TO ME HIMSELF. for dfucks sakes...NO CONTCT ALLAN!!!!!
anyways... he waits till wesley is gone fer a second then waltzesover at the b-day parttyy and gives me my keys. then makes acomment to cut out the retorect on facebook (referring to a status i put that was "have u ever wanted to say to sumbody what part of no do u not understand?") and i rpoceed to tell him i never said any names..he then says
"you never actually said no contact"
at that point i'm livid and i'm also... scared.
what that fuck? i've got texts and an email that say otherwise!!!!! i've also go two freind to say it for me!
anyways...i go home..and the next day i send him one last text that says...ad i quote
"allan, because u have stated that i have not advised u of no contact (by the way i have said it before) i will givve u one last final warning. no more contacting me in any form. i hace cc's lisa and paul so they see this too"
i kid you not.... two minutes later..he texts me back about how hypocritical it was of me to go thru lisa and paul to contact him when i told him not to use one of his freinds to do the same. i didnt reply.... that was a freebie. but i'm not hypocritical the diff is...i'm using them to tell him to fuck off because ive already told him three times and he isnt listening to me!
so that was april 24th... easter sunday....
now i was ona dateing website that as local. and i cant figure how to delete my account. and i still get the emails in my junk mail. but i just ignore them and i put a note on my profile that i was no longer seeking and was ina relationship..... well... guess what.. allan found my profile...
then adds me to his favorites list.
on may 1st.
see dumbass didnt know i would geta notification. s i went in, theres an option to delte yerself from a faves list of sumbody, i blocked him from my profile and sent the admins a letter asking them to send hima warning because he is contacting me whwn i;ve asked him not to.
and then i bawled my eyes out.
i dont knwo why he wont leave me alone....
it would be differnet if i said no contact and then like ths later he sent a hello how r u and then i sauid, no contact again... butthats not it...he just kees goign on to his freind lisa how much h misses his friend and then wont leave me be!
u knwo what..i do admit...i miss him a lot. when i saw him tonight i smiled, and i remembered my frind and my love and i just... i missed him. but them i brought myself to realty, reminded myself of all the hurt, that i cant trust him, and that he hasnt even been respecting my no contact request so y would i ever be his freind.... then i was ok.
i mourn the loss of friend ship... but i know that wesley was the right choice.... for me.
altho... ther are sum things that are gettignt o me.... will blog about those next post.
by the way... allan and emily have access to this blog.... out of stburness i refuse to stop using it.... but, part of me doesnt knwo if she wants allan seeing this stuff...