Flower's lost Rose

Sumbody i hardly know is going thru a lot of pain right now.... Her name is Flower, and she was pregnant. Flower's little rose died today.....

I am not a dear freind, and i rarely know what to say in these situations... im mostly an ear and a presence.... but im not close enuff to do that fer her but i still feel for poor flower...

dear god, she must be goign thru such pain...

she had already sent out the invites to a baby shower in january ......

poor flower.... she seemed so happy about this baby....

dear god,, i dont know why these things happen.... but i will be praying for her...and her loved ones.

Poor gal, she has had enuff bullshit in her life...this was supposed to be a lil bit of light for her...

she is young, there will be more, but that still dont change what happened...poor gal

CELINE DION: VOLE/FLY

VIDEO HERE ENGLISH

VIDEO HERE FRENCH

LYRICS:

ENGLISH:

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
[ From : http://www.elyrics.net/read/c/celine-dion-lyrics/fly-lyrics.html ]
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

FRENCH

Vole vole petite aile
Ma douce, mon hirondelle
Va t’en loin, va t’en sereine
Qu’ici rien ne te retienne

Rejoins le ciel et l’éther
Laisse-nous laisse la terre
Quitte manteau de misère
Change d’univers

Vole vole petite soeur
Vole mon ange, ma douleur
Quitte ton corps et nous laisse
Qu’enfin ta souffrance cesse

Va rejoindre l’autre rive
Celle des fleurs et des rires
Celle que tu voulais tant
Ta vie d’enfant

Vole vole mon amour
Puisque le nôtre est trop lourd
Puisque rien ne te soulage
Vole à ton dernier voyage
Lâche tes heures épuisées
Vole, tu l’as pas volé
Deviens souffle, sois colombe
Pour t’envoler

Vole, vole petite flamme
Vole mon ange, mon âme
Quitte ta peau de misère
Va retrouver la lumière

OH AND ON A NON SAPPY NOTE, I LIKE ALLENS NEW GIRLFRIEND I DO BUT I SAWSUMTHIGN SHE POSTED TODAY ON FACEBOOK THAT MADE ME LAUGH.... "REAL men stay faithful. they dont have time to look at other women because they're too busy looking for new ways to love their own"

umm yeah thats both highly unrealistic and silly and also... not Allan. he HARMLESSLY flirts with anythign with a pair of tits, men included LOL. and besides that, to use an analogy, "its perfectly fine and relaistic and ok to look at the pretty clothes in the store windows, just dont go fantasizing about it or wanting to touch it, or worse yet try it on."

if u ask me....it takes an highly INSECURE woman to beleive in that crap.

I like her i do, i wanna make that perfectly clear. shes is a great sweet gal... but if thats what she beleives..she is a tad misguided to say the least. what the post shoudl say is ""REAL men stay faithful. they dont have to have affairs and fuck other women to be happy because they're too busy LOVEING their own woman/women"

yeah i may not be poly, but that dont mean i dont still talk like it LOl ;-) or beleive it. it doesnt jive with my faith, but that dont make it wrong.... it just isnt for me is all :-)

I think i respect emeily a whole lot more now...found out tonight, she cleared up sum rumours at ,y old job which she still works at. rumour was i was a homewrecker and had an affair with allan and i jeard it a long time ago..and it nvr went away..and she never said anything in my defense... which used to really hurt cus here i was being thought of as a slut and a homewrecker and... we were poly.

so apparently she told ppl...she and i and allan were poly. and that got rid of most of the rumours.

thanks you emily.

thank you...

i know that you didnt do it gor me...but..thank you. it has beena source of bitterness in my side fe a while that i endured rumours that nobody bothered to rectify all forthe sake of keeping a fucvking secret i wish to gawd i had never said i wld keep....

thank you....

i can breath easier.

hey i wld rather be thought of as a minority freak relatonship...then a homewrecker anyday!

just glad i am no longer there. lol

so wesley has an awesum haloween party planned. he is putting his sweet heart and soul in it. we r officially pirates now. lol not sexy, .... fuck i cldnt even make a sex kitten sexy. i am cursed with...cuteness.

wesley says from the neck down im sexy then u get to my head and my smile and ppl see cutesy....

cant i just be sexy.... please?

lol guess not

two parties, UFC night, class, and a show fer class.... man the bext 4 days r busy!!!!

laters!

Life...blergh!

So.... wesley is doing a halloween party.

i swear he is haveing so much fun planning this he is liek a kid on christmas....

I had my heart set on being a pirate for halloween....FINALLY. bout time i dress up as a pirate considering allan and emily's kids nickname they have fer me is a pirate name.

so i FINALLY convince wesley to go as a pirate and then..then...

none of the pirate chick cosyumes are fitting me cus they r all tacky or a size too small and... no mens costumes......

then i see.... a knight cstume...

a knight!

and wesley tried it on

and he lookes fucking epic

and i a practically creaming cus he looks epic

and then then...

i say i could geta princess costume and he can be my knight and i am all excited and

...

i cant find a fucking princess costume....

and then

he says the so to me it is too uncomfortable....

and

he wants to be a fuckign pirate...

argh!

well i got himto agree to be a pirate... but now

my hearts on princess and knight....

fer fuck sakes i just cannot be happy can i? i get what i want and i want sumthign else...

funny bout that...

that seems t be the reoccuring them

"fuck off i dont want you no more. go away!"

boo hoo i miss you come back

fuck you i dont want you no more go away

boo hoo im sorry come back

fuck you i dont want you no more

boo hoo im sorry come back...

yup, halloween paralelling life.... want one thing, get it , want another...

I was watching sumthign tonight...... reminded me of wesley......found myself thinking of wesley....

it weird...... he just slips in my mind....

i wonder if i do that fer him.

he says i love you a lot now. which is nice......

i still have this fear..... i feel like we r unbalanced at times. i mean , he scares me cus he knows women so well.... but sumthimes...he doesnt know me and to be honest sumtimesi diont know him.....

it is a learning curve.... i guess?

i still struggle with this horrible fear he will wake up one day and say... nope sorry....i know i love you but, not that way. so um sorry i got to go been nice dateing you but bye!

and not cus i think he want to hurt, i just have this ferar he will just decide ...

i nag too much

or i will be too fat

or sumthing will just make him go...nope sorry we dont mesh

anf then here i will have given my heart all over again and ...gone

or

i dunno......

the other thing i struggle with is....

time.....

i get two things from him... one is two yrs min b4 marrying sumbody... with one yr min living together...

ok....i agree with that..

but.... i think hes taking about a general thing cus then he metions he wants to be dun school first b4 he moves in.... with anybody...

and...

i dont wanna sit and talk bout this stuff in more detail then i have cus i get a scared wesley who doesnt talk back....

and...really its only 8 mths now dateing...., nine mths knowing....

but really after about 6 mths i felt ready to mve in.... with allan and even with frank and even woth wesley.....

and....

im afraid im waitng again....waiting ....and that my life

wil always

be

waiting....

but then i smack myself outta this silly stupour and say gorl let go and have fun

you dont fall in love for no reason....live with it.....go with it.....stop worrying and just let go and let love

which, is hard.....

so i keep letting him closer...keep battling my fears....

im honestly afraid t let sumbody all the way in cus....i did that with allan and i did that with frank and i got hurt....

but if i dont do this if i sont let ppl in...i will always be alone

an di cannot keep lookign back and compareing to past and i cannot keep yearing for the past i gotta move on move forward guard my heaty from the past but also open it up to the future....

and whether wesley is the furture permanantly or temperrilly i gotta stop thinking of....

i just need to live and love....

oh in case u wonder a lot of this came about cus of two married freinds with marriage troubles and one other friend couple with relationship woes .....

anyways....

goodnight

its 2am and i gotta work in 7 hrs.....

or i

I fucked up... again.... acted on impulse and old avice i may not have remebered correctly or may have been bad or faulty advice....

i fucked up...

she who shall not be named, blocked me and several others on facebook.... has sent me another 30 or 60 dollars i cant remeber..... and has moved away...

it wa soct 1st. she didnt say boo bout moveing yet. so i said to her" heard ur mveing today wassup"

she lied saying shes goignt o university and needs my email address to send me money

then i gve uit to her. then says it is sent. then doesnt send it till i say " i dotn see it" then i react...and wthout cxhking with all say

this by no means changes what u and aleisha did this is not a civil aaggrreement which will not prevent any legal action from takign place....

thats all

i fucked up

royally

fucvked up

pissed off at myself.

for the first time, ina long time.....

i feel lower then low.....

i dont tink the ords were wromg. whats i said was right. there wasno slander. no name calling. no angry words. othign but facts.

what i said was rigt

i m down on myself cus of timeing....and stupidity... cus of impulse.\i shld have talked to everybody b4 i mad ethe comments..\and i deeply regret it now

and i feel liekcrap

like im a fuck up...

i feel loiek a fuck up

sorry guys im sorry i fuycked up....

argh!

My eyes are bledding and my brain exploded

Curiousity didnt kill the cat...

it just made its brain explode and eyes bleed...

and yes i am talking about me

so anybody who knows me knows.... you do not use sexual slang terms around me cus i WILL use urban dictionary and iWILL school myself in the meanings...

so how did i get to nloody eyes and gooshy brain bits explodeing all over the wall ?

Wesley's freind, Tang (mandarin for hump) , mentioned to me and wesley and our other friend Brent, about a video on youtue whoch skids the pornographic line waaaay too close for youtube and will make our brains explode due to the horrible awful sound the woman is making called singing...

the title of the song is..

pussy be yanking....

my brain had already exploded from the horribl sounds she was making which were being passed as singing and my eyes were beinging to bugle su to the borderline pornography...

after the video i asked "what is a yanking pussy"

to which i was asked to google as nobody knew .

to which i went to urban ditctionary...

after which i read a definition which mentions it as "A black womans blue waffle that smells trifling and a lot of guys fuck"

to which i asked

what is a blue waffle?

anf then urban dictionaried

then googled

and then

my eyes exploded and i decided to never have sex again... ever....

well at least until my previously exploded brain unburns the image which was seared into it before my eyeball bled.....

so here you are, the video "pussy be yanking" here

and the google definition of "blue waffle" here

i warn you, your brain will explode and your eyes bleed....

promise me, you will tell your loved ones goodbye before you click as i promnise you will never be the same..\you cannot unhear or unsee these...

*shudder*

sex, bad...sex verrrry bad. no sex. safe vagina with no sex....

why oh why am i so very curious? it is going to kill me one day....

lol

theme songs

I try to imagine wesley singing this to me..... that he will nvr break my heart.

Backstreet Boys: I'll never break your heart

Video here

lyrics :

Spoken:
Baby, I know you are hurting
Right now, you feel like you could never love again
Now, all I ask is for a chance
To prove that I love you

From the first day
That I saw your smiling face
Honey, I knew that we would be together forever (ohhh)
When I asked you out
You said no, but I found out
Darling, that you'd been hurt
You felt that you'd never love again

I deserve a try, honey, just once
Give me a chance and I'll prove this all wrong
You walked in, you were so quick to judge
But, honey, he's nothing like me

Chorus:
I'll never break your heart (I'll never break your heart)
I'll never make you cry (I never wanna see you cry)
(baby no, no)
I'd rather die than live without you (live without you)
I'll give you all of me (give you all of me)
Honey, that's no lie
(2x)

As time goes by
You will get to know me
A little more better
Girl, that's the way love goes (baby, baby) (ohhh)
And I (ohhh) (I) know you're afraid (know your're afraid)
To let your feelings show (feelings show)
And I understand
But, girl, it's time to let go
It's time to let go, because

I deserve a try honey just once
Give me chance and I'll prove this all wrong
You walked in, you were so quick to judge (quick to judge)
But, honey, he's nothing like me
Darling why can't you see

Chorus:
I'll never break your heart
I'll never make you cry (make you cry) (I'll never make you cry)
I'd rather die than live without you (I'd rather die) (die)
I'll give you all of me (than live with out you girl) (than live)
Honey, that's no lie (baby) (I'll never break your heart)
(2x)

Bridge:
No way (no way girl), no how
I'll make you cry (make you cry) (ahhh)
No way (you cry )no how (I say no how)
I'll make you cry (ahhh)

Chorus:
I'll never break your heart (I would never do that to you)
I'll never make you cry
(Oh just give me a chance I love you girl)
I'd rather die than live without you (ahh, ohhh)
I'll give you all of me (I will give you the world)
Honey, that's no lie (you are my doll)

I'll never break your heart (I'll never, I'll never, I'll never)
I'll never make you cry
I'd rather die, than live without you (honey, I'll never)
I'll give you all of me (Ohh, I miss you, I want you, I need you)
Honey, that's no lie

I'll never break your heart
I'll never make you cry (Oh, honey I'll never)
I'd rather die than live without you
I'll give you all of me
Honey, that's no lie

(Chorus to fade)

I constantly feel liek this about wesley, that hes outta my league that im fool to fall for him... that i have nuttin for him but baggage and hurt and messed up ness.... but i am trying to see him as the wind tat carries me ....and trying to see him as in my league... it takes time to let go and let love again i guess :-)

Patrick Swayze: She's Like the Wind

Video here

Lyrics

She's like the wind through my tree
She rides the night next to me
She leads me through moonlight
Only to burn me with the sun
She's taken my heart
But she doesn't know what she's done

Feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me
Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my league
Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
She's like the wind

[SOLO]

I look in the mirror and all I see
Is a young old man with only a dream
Am I just fooling myself
That she'll stop the pain
Living without her
I'd go insane

Feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me
Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my league
Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
She's like the wind

Feel your breath on my face
Your body close to me
Can't look in your eyes
You're out of my league
Just a fool to believe
(Just a fool to believe)
She's like the wind
(Just a fool to believe)
Just a fool to believe
(She's like the wind)
Just a fool to believe
(Just a fool to believe)
She's like the wind
(Just a fool to believe)
Just a fool to believe
She's like the wind

(Just a fool...)
(She's like the wind)
(She's like the wind)
(Just a fool...)
(She's like the wind)
(Just a fool...)

what i do

This blog, is my safe place. its where i write my morbid, bad, or gloomy thoughts. its where i get out my frustrations, my darker side, my sadness..whatever...

it is my safe place.

very few ppl know of it.

even fewer ppl have the address

my life can be goign perfectly fine but sumtime i just need to blog out onelil frutratin that is itching me and wont go away..

My life is really god,

im happier then i ahve been ina while, honestly. and a lot of that had to do with a new job, a new man, and a new life....

but i still have my monets when i get negative and melancholy or depressed ...i have my highs and lows and when im low

i blog

but i promise you, life is good.

im happy

frustrated

but happy

i love my wesley, he treats me like gold and is the best thing to happen to me ina while...we just have our learning curves.

with me it is slowing down

with him it is haveing a girlfriend LOL

but i am happy

and a lot of ppl see it. get annoyed by it

everything is wesley this wesley that...

i look forward to his kisees every morning

friday and saturday nights are spent in bes with him

the weekend mornings are lazy, fun...filled with giggles

i laugh a lot more now

sumtimes he is like a man child.....gofy. but he brings out my goofy side too. and i need that.

he is still learnign about me, my eotions and personality and how to speak "me"...and that frustrates me to ne end as i feel we shoudl know each other so well by now. but then i rember, he has a very slow learning curve. as do i....

so nine mths of knowing 7 of which dateing to him...are prob liek 3 mths to another cpl....

and i relaised...my melancholy is cus

i am compareing him to allan and frank....

youcant compare. it only frustrates...

but he still messes up

as do i

learning curves...

one day atta time....

i can hardly picture a day wothout him now...

i even dontwanna move, cus as much as i despie the bitch downstairs who compains about me everytime i have kids over.... i love living across the hall fromw esley...

yeah, he fucks up. he forgets plans, doesnt tell me stuff liek when his dad n him were thinking of moveing, can be a tad too logical, or misinterprets what i say or do....

but he is wesley. and i have lotsa faulst too...

i love him...

and not a day goes by i dont think of him

not a day goes by i dont wonder when we will spend outr lives together...

altho, i keep that to myelf...dont wanna scare hime. or me.

i mean, 7 mths...

is it normal to be wanting to spend ur life with sumbody at that point????

or is that too fast????

i dont knwo whata normal relationship is supposed to be....fraNK WAS ABUSIVE, NEGLECTFUL....

allan was unique, unconventional kinda relationship.... but not bad.

and.,,,theres my experience.... abusive and unconvetional....

maybe thats sumthing to ask the therapist....

whats a normal relationsip? when is it too soon to think of the rest of ur life?

how long r learnign curves....?

when do u know if u fit?

this, is confusing to me.... but i take it a day atta time...and hope against hope wesley doesnt leave me....doesnt think im too fucked up...

cus i am fucked up..

and may days go by... i wonder if he is too good for me.

i fight those thougts of not being good enuff a lot. thaks a lot sexual molestation, thanks a lot you really know how to mess with a persons self esteem....

i gotta remember....

i'm a flower

a diamond

and a little bird

im beautiful

precious

and free

it is hard, but i try to remeber i am good enuff for wesley. i deserve happiness. and i need to be patient. good things come to those who wait. despite the fact my patience has hurt me int he past...i think it will be ok to be patient this time...

i love yo wesley,

you are in my heart.... i trust you. just please, be patient with me too. im ina learning curve too.