i swear he is haveing so much fun planning this he is liek a kid on christmas....
I had my heart set on being a pirate for halloween....FINALLY. bout time i dress up as a pirate considering allan and emily's kids nickname they have fer me is a pirate name.
so i FINALLY convince wesley to go as a pirate and then..then...
none of the pirate chick cosyumes are fitting me cus they r all tacky or a size too small and... no mens costumes......
then i see.... a knight cstume...
a knight!
and wesley tried it on
and he lookes fucking epic
and i a practically creaming cus he looks epic
and then then...
i say i could geta princess costume and he can be my knight and i am all excited and
...
i cant find a fucking princess costume....
and then
he says the so to me it is too uncomfortable....
and
he wants to be a fuckign pirate...
argh!
well i got himto agree to be a pirate... but now
my hearts on princess and knight....
fer fuck sakes i just cannot be happy can i? i get what i want and i want sumthign else...
funny bout that...
that seems t be the reoccuring them
"fuck off i dont want you no more. go away!"
boo hoo i miss you come back
fuck you i dont want you no more go away
boo hoo im sorry come back
fuck you i dont want you no more
boo hoo im sorry come back...
yup, halloween paralelling life.... want one thing, get it , want another...
I was watching sumthign tonight...... reminded me of wesley......found myself thinking of wesley....
it weird...... he just slips in my mind....
i wonder if i do that fer him.
he says i love you a lot now. which is nice......
i still have this fear..... i feel like we r unbalanced at times. i mean , he scares me cus he knows women so well.... but sumthimes...he doesnt know me and to be honest sumtimesi diont know him.....
it is a learning curve.... i guess?
i still struggle with this horrible fear he will wake up one day and say... nope sorry....i know i love you but, not that way. so um sorry i got to go been nice dateing you but bye!
and not cus i think he want to hurt, i just have this ferar he will just decide ...
i nag too much
or i will be too fat
or sumthing will just make him go...nope sorry we dont mesh
anf then here i will have given my heart all over again and ...gone
or
i dunno......
the other thing i struggle with is....
time.....
i get two things from him... one is two yrs min b4 marrying sumbody... with one yr min living together...
ok....i agree with that..
but.... i think hes taking about a general thing cus then he metions he wants to be dun school first b4 he moves in.... with anybody...
and...
i dont wanna sit and talk bout this stuff in more detail then i have cus i get a scared wesley who doesnt talk back....
and...really its only 8 mths now dateing...., nine mths knowing....
but really after about 6 mths i felt ready to mve in.... with allan and even with frank and even woth wesley.....
and....
im afraid im waitng again....waiting ....and that my life
wil always
be
waiting....
but then i smack myself outta this silly stupour and say gorl let go and have fun
you dont fall in love for no reason....live with it.....go with it.....stop worrying and just let go and let love
which, is hard.....
so i keep letting him closer...keep battling my fears....
im honestly afraid t let sumbody all the way in cus....i did that with allan and i did that with frank and i got hurt....
but if i dont do this if i sont let ppl in...i will always be alone
an di cannot keep lookign back and compareing to past and i cannot keep yearing for the past i gotta move on move forward guard my heaty from the past but also open it up to the future....
and whether wesley is the furture permanantly or temperrilly i gotta stop thinking of....
i just need to live and love....
oh in case u wonder a lot of this came about cus of two married freinds with marriage troubles and one other friend couple with relationship woes .....
anyways....
goodnight
its 2am and i gotta work in 7 hrs.....
or i
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