so,
i've been seeing the therapist provided for by medicare....
she si bias, judgemental, threatened to call social services on allan and emily, and is generally not a good fit for me...
so, last tiemi saw her i left the office in a panic... sheriously thought that i should forgo therapy alltogether but then decided to simply ask for a new therapist. ihave 2 freinds who are therapists and another friend who has gone to a lot of therapy session adn they all said that sumtimes a therapist just isnt right for you because you merely do not "fit" it isnt abad thing, it si just for whatever reason that therapist and you do not "fit" for whatever reasona nd that it is common.... and i shoudl simply ask fer anothe therapist.
so because this therapist is thru medicare, this will put me back on the waitlist...and now that i have been out of the hospital i willbe low priority to see another. thats if she even puts me back onthe waitlist. apparently , i need to se eher and ask her for a new therapist , she meets with the board and they decide if i go back on the list or if i get another theapist at all.. which worries me...cus i have the feelign this bitch will say that i don't need one and that that....
so, i do not see her fer 3 wks..
so i called work's employee assitance program... and they gave me afree therapist to see while i wait on medicare....
and this one is wonderful. ony one session today but when i compare this one session to my first session with the witch from medicare....HUGE difference...
i asked her if i wanted to if i coudl contnue with her if i foudn we were making progress and she said yes.... it would cost money, but i cld prob get refunded by my benifits provider...
she specialises in child trauma..... dealing with the molestation as a kid check.
she also specialises in self esteem issues ..... check.
she also specilises in divorce/separation... check....
and she also specilses in family issues, especially those resulting from divorce ... check.
she also specialises in relationship break ups/greif /loss...check....
the only things she does not specilise that was on my list is alternative lifestyle relationships and depression, but that does not mean she cannot treat me..it just meas that the majority of her clients have the issues above...
so...this means i am finally seeign sumbody about the molestationa s a kid
fianlyl addressing the nightmares and night terrors i get
finally addressing the family realtionhhp isues
finally addressing sum of thebaggage from frank that came up that i didnt knwo i had
fianlly addressing mys elf esteem isues
and....when i mentioned polyampoury.....
she wa snot in the least bit judgemental....
i have a very good feelign about this councellor... but only time will tell! but i think time will tell that she will proove to be a help, not a detrement to my mentla health (like witch from medicare!)
feelig much much much better now.....
she gave me one task for the week...
this was sumthing that the wicth never did, tasks that is...
she said i am to try and see myself this week liek a diamond. diamonds are valuable no matter what..whethere they are an unrefined lump or symthtically made for cutting..they are valuable...
yeah... i know. basic but great. i dont see myself as a diamond but i will try...
oh and... i finally bumped into emily at work the other day. i'v been avoiding herat work. and iw ant to make it clear, she in no way asked me to avoid her..i've been doing it, me. not her request. but, i know her and i had a pretty good idea how she'd react if i didnt try to avoifd her... anyways i'v ebeen avoiding her by using the back door to work because her desk is literally righ beside the main door, am not eating in thestaff kitchen, am eating outdoors and on the other side of the building away from ther staff eating are so i lunch alone... all because i knew how she would react if she saw me. so earleir this week she saw me in th hallway, looke dlieka deer caught in headlights then poof! took off thru the door so fast i thought i heard the roadrunner say "meepmeep"
yeah...
i have been therr a month now and that was the first tiem i saw her...
i was doign this to be resapectful..but you knwo what....it is effecting me at work cus i am always stressed out i'll bump into her and now after seing her do exactly what i figured.... that it.
i consulted a freidn to amke sure...but... i'm not goignt o do any of the above any longer.
i will use the front door , i wille at in the kitchen and if i want i will eat in the staff area....
if she cannot deal with seeing me that is her problem. she is afterlal the one who said she wanted to still be freinds....
one of those steps is... seeing me around...
and even if she does not wan to be freidns....fine... we work inthe same building for the same company...it is ridulous for me to continue to activly avoid her...we will bump into each other eventually. better to get it done sooner then later... deal witht he pain now.... heal faster that way...
but, i wont be in th eleast bit surprised if she goes to her team anger and asks to swicth desks with sumbody... call it a hunch. but u never know, maybe she wont.... who knows. i mean, she may be fine with seeing me at work .... or she may still feel uncomfortable..i dunno. all i know is, she said she wanted to still be freinds...yet...she's cut off all contact. counterproductive to healing the wounds and working on friendships. but in her defense, she is cuttin me out so she can fosuc on her husband and hers realtionship... so i understand that. so i'm kinda torn here, cus part of me says she neds to stop cuttin contact and anothe r part says she needs to cut contact....
all i know is, she is puttin the main focus on her and alaln which is where it shoudl be. 100% her and allan come frient. and i hope they do work out...
not for my guilt, but cus they really do love oen and another...altho...
i think she got her wish.
shortly after allan and i broke up, her and i had a talk at smitty's. she and i talked about the idea of her and allan beong monogamous and i asked "would that be so bad" and she said "no" but when ia sked why she didnt tell alaan that she said and i quote..."i do not want to be the bad guy. alan said if we stopped poly this time we would not start it again"
i've refrained from metnoioning that... so i guess the oen good thing that will come of this...
theya re monogamous now...
much to my hearts dismay...
i wish they woudl be poly again... and a part of me... wishes we three can work this out
while anothe rpart of me says this si fer the best and i shld just drop the idea of poly altogether.
while anothe part of me says be freinds with her not him
while another part of me says drop em both
while another part of me says drop my faith
yeah... confused...
anyways..laters
anyways...toodles!
First, the weird ijury...how the heel did manage to hurt the very inside of my inner belly button (which goes in, not out).. it is bleeding... wtf????