self discovery

So, i'm having a crisis of faith again and am attempting to "rediscover" myself ... what do I want in life?
i'm not sure if i will remain at my church, or just be a christian in name only. i do not know if i will ever again engage ina an open relationship or stick to monogamy (and i'm not talking bout allan , i mean open relationships with anybody in my future...) i am not sure if i want to be friends with emily or just let it go..cus maybe if i drop outta her life altogether its fer the best..she deserves better then me as a freind... she said a while back she anted to be friends still but it wld take time...i hope she meant it and was not emotionally flip flopping...again...
anyways...despite this confusion i still go to church and seek god... and i go to bible study and i was to a bible study earlier this week on sex....
and guess what...
APPARENTLY MASTURBATION IS A SIN?????!!!!!!!
WTF???? YOU DO NOT WANT ME TO TO HAVE SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE AND I CANT "SATISFY" MY URGES SO THAT I DO NOT HAVE SEX???!!!! i mean COME ON!! i was MARRIED , HELLO!!!!?? i mean sure frank and i didnt have MUCH sex, AS A MATTER OF FACT IT WAS PRACTICALLY NON EXISTENT but it still happened, and then throw in mind blowing sex (well fer me anyways) with allan... i'm a sexy horny bitch now!!
FUCK! COME ON! YER SETTING ME UP TO FAIL!!!!
anyways.... am still questioning, but i just figured i'd share that bit... and fer the record... fuck you i'm still gonna masturbate! its either that, or I WILL cave and have sex with sumbody... and which do u think is worse..pleasuring myself, or pleasuring myself WITH sumbody via sex?
shessh! i mean, c'mon. quit adding all these rules i cannot possibly meet!