Happy Ho ho ho to me

Well, this Christmas eve was shall we say.. an enlightening one. and no, i dont mean cus of the perdy christas tree lights.
I spent Christmas eve....with .... frank?????????!!!!!!!!!!!
well, not intentionally anyways.
I went to christmas eve service at my church (grandmotherless... she cldnt get down till christmas day cus of the weather) At church i met up with John (maes son& dear freind of mine) he mentioned he had wrapping still to do, when i mentioned i needed to get some done as well he invited me over to his dad's place. I accepted, afterall Mae's daughter Patricia wanted to see me for Christmas anyways.
john had no idea FRank was there visting Thomas (mae's husband) and patricia for christmas too.
I walked int he door and said
"happy Christmas....oh,oh... merry christmas frank???" (fyi, watched the tudors and as it is set in king henry's vii's (i think) time they say happy christmas on the show and had been saying that all day.lol)
i had a choice... i cld make fer a hasty retreat, miss out on visiting and wrapping and make patricia and john and possibley thomas feel bad.... or i cld deal, muster up all my courage, and stay.
I stayed
part of me...regrets that i did.
the other part of me is proud i did.
and yet another part of me feel weird.
while i was there, didnt allan call at one point to wish me a merry christmas and to say "i love you" i cldnt say it back cus everybody was there and he knew it.... but i was so happy he did think to call me. it helped to hear his voice, it gave me corage to get thru the night. and i was so happy to heard him say merry christmas and i love you :)
I realised 2 things that night.
1) I have overcome my bitterness and anger towards Frank. least i did that night. and
2) i can never be friends with frank.
It was so very weird.... we were talking and smiling and joking like we used to do in the best of years. It wa so comfortable. normal. well abnormal but felt normal, u know? we were teasing patricia, and poking fun at paul, he and i were talking about the family catching up on the animals and the ex in laws.
btw, on a side note... frank told me the 9-10inch sized oscars died. i was always the one who manged to nurse them back to good health when they got sick. i always got the meds into the aquarium, fed them one pellet ata time nursing them back to health. i always said they were franks babies, but really... they were my babies too. lol. turns out scar the male got sick and died, 2 wks later os the female followed. they were a good 11 inces long each when they died.... i mourn them. no seriously, i do. i loved those fish! they had cool personlaities! they knew who their owner s were! and when they wanted food, if i was in the room the female wld start charging and spashing at the top of the water. they'd splish and spalsh if a new person came in the livingroom...oscars that sixe made good watchfish, lol, man they were cool. and the best part. even tho they were huge fish who loved live food, i cld reach into that tank and pick up each of them hold them in my hands and put them in the temp tank to clean their big tank. they wldnt flop, they were calm in my hands outta the water. no struggle to get them, when they saw my hand they wld let me scoop em right up. cool eh? they were red oscars if i rember correctly. anyways back to chrstmas eve w/ frank
it was so very very weird, but not in the least awkward. all the time i kept thinking of allan, and how i wanted him there. and then... frank gave me a look. and i melted. 8 yrs together, i could count on 2hands the amount of times we'd had sex. but after 8 yrs, he grew to know my buttons, and i grew to love and know the rare times when he'd give me that wanting you lookin his eyes.
i saw that look.... once. i know i did....
and i melted.
dear god did i melt.
but only physically.
frank to me, is incredibly attractive... and after yrs of beign together they werent all bad. one flash of that look and i had to severly remind myself why i left in the first place. and had to reprimand myself for melting.
by melting i mean... just that.... the oh dear god feeling....i cant really decribe it. it was just that.
after reminding myself of the reasons i left, and the fact i was in love w/ another man (allan) and that frank had been from what i know dating yet another woman....it was enuff. i manged to keep from melting anf to keep from getting awkward.
till the end of the night. frank stayed until john and i decided to leave. i took franks hand and wished him a merry christmas and he looked kinda hurt and said " is that all i get?"
i gave him a hug.... then had to dash out the door. cus i melted.
why the hell is he like this a yr and half later... i dunno. maybe cus he rewalises what dumb fuccking ass he was and that i am sumthign really special and he will never have the pleasure and privialage to know me that way again?
yeah thats it. know that i think about it, maybe thats why he was all nice nicely to me. having seens 4 other woman now int heis past yr 1/2... maybe he realiseing just how stupid he was to let me walk away.
ha!
ok justa lil bitterness there. lol. yippee!
thank god we dont have any kids! i cldnt deal with that everytime he'd come to get kids..... i dunno how my father did it w/ my mother and i dont know how my blogging friend does it w/ his cubs' mother!
so yeah, i realise i no longer have bitterness w/ frank. I have sumthing else.
heaven forbid he pick up on what hapneded and proceeeds to try to build on it. heaven forbid.i doint need that shit! its my worst feat. then, then i'll need to do sum serious rereading to remind myself just how much of an asshole he was to me and how bad it was and make sure i am honest to allan so he knows and take sum councilling again to make sure i am dealing and wont give myself a damn panic attack!
see thats the problems in bad relationships.....its hard to leave, cus its sumthign u know. no matter how bad, u know it... and when i left i thgt id dealt w/ all those feelings. and i know i did. cus i dont love the man anymore. but w/ the recent months of me wanting more from allan and not getting it...now i have to refocus myself and make damn sure i remind myslef daily franks bad for me, despite those incredibley handsum grey eyes and that sweet innocent boyish smile hidden behind that wonderfully well kept and dashing black will riker from star trek beard.... and that wikedly funny sense of humour that can still make me laugh so hard i piss myself.
purly physical nutting more. i'd never go back to frank. can't. wont put myself thru that again. purly physical. the guy was bad for me. at the beginnign it was sweet. he and i were in love. u dont marry to divorce afterall. but in the end, frank was an asshole who treated me like shit!
allan, oh allan. he's got the whole pkg.i love him so very much. he's everything frank wasnt and more. allan teeats me like a princess, calls me beautifula nd sexy, he is a loving, caring, handsum, sweeet, kind, honest, funny, sexy, expressive, adorable,appreciative,cuddly, hugable, intelligent, ambitious, sensitive, creative, with the most beautful soul i have ever come across and a wonderfully huge heart capable of loving equally more then one woman at a time.

so that waschristmas eve...
christmas was with allan and emily their 2 of 3 kids an my grandmother.
by the end of the night grams was priasing allan left right and centre. thought he was a sweet caring man. even went so far as to tell him she considered him her adopted grandson! lol.
well he did keep calling her grams all night! lol
oh if she only knew! lol
it was wonderful to see them getting along so well. she even got along w/ wnedy. she thought wendy was a caring mother and a wonderful cook too! lol.
oh we had the best ham dinner ever! yum! ham and fiddle heads and potaoes and veggies w/ cheescake fer dessert!
omg!
we chated fer hours afterwards!
i even gave allan and family their gifts.
i got allan his fave true crime authors newest book (btk), a book on batman and philosphy, a wizard w/a dragon figurine (for his geek room), a 25$ gift card for a local store, and a pair of jeans.
i got emily a $50 gift card for a local store, the "love" keychain from sex and the city, a pair of lighters, and another gift which she has to open on new yrs eve for the gift exchange w/ martha and me :)
i bought their two girls the stuart little set
a dn for thier boy, i drew and framed his 3 fave super mario characters to put on his wall cus he wanted them painted on the wall but his parent said no so i drew it fer him to hang up. ok, i drew luigi, waluigi and yoshi. the hardest ne to draw was luigi! dammit! waluigi is supposed to be the hardest to draw but he wa sthe easiest! luigi is supposed ot be the easiest but he was the hardest! lol
i got my dad a max lucado bible ( as dad is a new christian), and a devotinal book called purpose driven life ( which i will hope helps w/ his walk and his life in genral), anda box of cherry chocolates which he loves!
i got my lil sister a keepsake thing she cld hang on the tree, or stick to her locker at school or to the fridge which says new driver 2008 and can house her pic. she just got her beginners this yr! yeah for my lil sis! she was from dads second marriage, so shes a lot younger then me btw!
i got paul a mini roulette table that has shot glasses and i also got him 2 figurines he can paint up, one of a viking like guy standing on a slain dragon, and one of a dragon in armour.
i got gabriel my godson a cars kids shaving kit (i also have to give him an angel which i will ahve to venture out on sat or sun toget (ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!) ...its traditional. everytime i buy him a gift for xmas i give him an angel and this yr i forgot! and i just remebered now. whoops:)
i got mom a "thanks mom" book and a 25$ gift card to her fave clothing store
i got martha a book of romance vampire, ghost and werewolf stories(hehehehe)
and thats everybody :)
best part is, the gift cards were all bought w/ award points at work that i get for performing well :) so very thoughtful and as alan said "aww, thats sweet" lol
oh what did i get?????... awesum gifts!!!!
dad got me a computer desk and a 20 inch flat screen lcd moniter!and a 4 qrt slow cooker (yippeee, no really i wanted one. now i can have meals waiting fer me cooked when i get home ;)
grams gave me money ( god bless her i needed that!)
allan gave me MEERKAT MANOR SEASON 1 DVD!!!! AND THE TELUS STUFFED MEERKAT FROM GUND!!!!!!!!!!!! serosuly outta all the gifts, the lil stuffed meerkat and the dvd, were my fave gifts! lol. oh and he got me... my own copy... of watchmen graphic novel!!!!!! i started reading his last yr and then he lent it out. lol. now i have my own!
i dunno what emily got me... i suspect either sex in the city or mama mia... the gal cant keepa secret. ill find out at the gift exchange new yrs eve.
and thats it!
i made off like a bandit! lol

the best part thos... the most wonderful gift of all...
was spending christmas day w/ my boyfirend, my best friend, their kids, and my grandmother.....
that was awesum!

merry christmas. happy new year.
take care

smow and a move and a house for my friends

This doesnt happen very often.....so perhaps it shld be marked upon a calander or sumthing. then again, this si an anonymous blog...so perhaps best not :) but today, today i will blog out hapy thaoughts.
well, i'll try to blog out happy thoughts, but as this is typically a blog i use to vent my frustrations, bad thoughts etc that may prove difficult. anyways, hsall we?

So Emily and allan moved into there hous this weekend. yipee , welcome to 23 1/2 yrs of debt! lol. we moved in a blizzard. yup. a blizzard. now 4 any1 who doesnt undertsand a blizzard here means oh about 40 com snow dumped over night w/ wnds gusting at gowd only knos how fast ( weel that aint tru, instruments can measure the wind speed, anyways) w/ white outs ( thats when da snow she blows so fast u r lucky to see ur hand in front of yer face let alone the road in front of u) and cold temps! yeah, se we started moving at 9am.... by 630pm strom hits. no problemo, we think. big badda truck, itty bitty snow falkes.
ummm, yeah
so we finish off load# 2 and go back fer load #3. still lotsa snow.
load # 3 loaded. pull into driveway. slight problem.
cant get up driveway. too manny of those itty bitty snowflakes making it slippery.
we keep tryiong to back in the truck up the drivewy cus well.. we wanna hve the back end as close as possible to the garage so we can load into the garage.
umm yeah.
so here i am, ms has no liscence, nvr drivena truck b4.... standing out in a fucking blizzard, with my sneakers, and allans spring jacket, and i am yelling out (fromt he side) stop, go this way, go that way, try again....)
help arrives
nect door neighbours! sorta. more specifiaccly neighbours who live up street visint iter sister who is nxt door. anyways nxt door neighbours come over, in parkas and boots (haha, my breain was mush and i forgot my stuff, allans stuff was packed i made du and am now sniffling cus of it! anyways) and say "lets drive the van up , not back it up. looky loo! it worked lol. then allan says "fuck it, not doing last load"
neighboroonies dont let us. say "lets do it now, u have fresh meat. me and my hubby will help u guys. "
allan actually agrees.
so me in sneakers and spring coat, allan in sweat shirt and jeans ( damn he still managed to look sexy! fuck!), emily in fleece coat and sneakers, and neighbouroonies ( who actually i emily know the wifey poo neighbouroonie from work! lol) bucket brigade his comics into the house and unload the rest of the garage stuff into the garage.
yup.... we got er dun tho.
boo-rah! ha! blizzard smizzard! lol
yeah so they are in their happy lil home.
good for them.
onward ho. on to toher happy thought
see this si where it get not so happy... i am trying to focus on happy thoughts so that i can stay happy....
holidays are not fun
not anymore
so anyways... other happy things... like allan. he dropped by friday. i had the day off, as did he. so he stopped by. whata pleasnat surprise. i lovwe it when he surprises me :) we spent a lil time toegether b4 he had to get eily from work, then cam back to pick me up. i helped himand emily pack lasy minute things then stayed the night. saturday i helped paint the new home and then back to the old apt to waot for paint to dry. emily called it a night adn allan and me weree left to the livingroom for an ahour or so to ait till ikdnight b4 we cld pain another coate....
we spent the time cuddling. well its started out on separate couches. and i asked to cuddle. he said he was comfy.lol, he looked it too. so i laid back down and tried not to sulk.
i dont sulk to get my way. but i do sulk if i dotn get to cuddle w/ my boyfriend who i hardly see. lol
thankfully, allan eventually lookeds at me, sat up and patted the couch, beckining me over.
thank you. lol
so i snuggled up nice and close, and closed my eyes. my head laying on his chest. i love his chest. its always warm and loving. and when i am ther its loving and safe and sweet. he wraps his arm around me and i can close my eyes and drift off to sleep. i hear his heart beating. strong, steady, loving. its my favorite part. more then the arms, his hands caressing me, more then his warmth...its his heart.
strong. steady. true. loving.
always beating...on and on...
he loves to cuddle. we always cuddle after making love. and ont he rare night we dont, he lets me cuddle in his arms tll i fall alseep. ocasionally he does too. lol. and that just elps me sleep as i find his snoring actually comforting.
yeah i just saidit... his snores are comforting.
they actually induce a state of happiness and comfotablesness and help me to peacfully sleep :)

i just wish i cld enjoy it more often (see now theres that bad again... yeash can't have a totally happy thgt can i?)

anyways, therer is is... a happy blog.
enjoy :0 i know i will.
thinking of cuddling w/ allan... always makes me smile. why shldn't it? cuddling with the one you love should always make a smile show up on yer face :) thats how u know u r truly in love, when justt he thought of them.... gives you those butterflies in yer stomach and that squishy hapy lovey dover feeling lol :)

xoxoxo
je t'aime mon amoure...despite the obvious flawsin our relationship, i'll work as hard as i can to stay strong... for u. cus i love you. and i want to be with you- that is i want to be with you poly syle of course :) and by poly stayle, i mean i dont wat u all to myself, cus thats not polyamoury :) i want you to love the other u love, and be with me too :)
anyways, nuff blogging... i need to sleep.... been alogn wknd pushed mysekf way to hard to help allan and emily.
i shlda known better... but i wanted to help them so badly. didnt want them to do this on their own... i mean i've moved and unpackjed on my own... no fun.

glad to help allan and emily.... but urs truly pushed herself a lot too hard and will prob be feeling very very tired these nxt few days...

oh and in case i dont geta chance...merry christmas!

poly style

Ok, so i know that i do a lot of bellyaching on this blog.... but u know what... ever since i started this blog...its beena release. a way for me to anonymously vent out about my life w/out fear of reprocusion (however u spell that, anyways).... I just want to say that cus recenty i got told that doing this kida blog was silly.... not by any of u folks that happen to read it... no i told myself this...
hey, it aint crazy to have conversations w/ yerself in yer head....whats crazy is having conversations w/ yerself aloud. lol
anyways... i got over that feeling, realising i have needed this blog to vent... ansd to talk about the good but mostly the bad....

so, anyways...
amily kinda svcared me tonight.... told me how the youngest lil gal of hers came about.... turns out in april and may, she got her period but it wa slight, and short, and kinda wonky. so she took a pregnancy test. negative. went to dr for a pa... and bam! pregnant. did ultrta sound... yup pregnant...
so yeah... i dont think i'll feel btr now until i see my dr on jan 7th.... think i may ask allan to tag along... just in case. fuck! i hate that feeing.... but hey.... bettr safe then sorry. lol
yeah...
part of me si terrified, the other part...anxious, and another part.... i dunno....
so yeah.... happy ho ho ho to me!

so lets talk sumthing i nvr talk about....politics. i guess Canada is heading fer recession too it looks like...crap. and i decided to go back to university to get either a teaching degree or a socila work degreee.... welll... looks like i'll be sitting down and talking w/ friends and family cus well...heres the kivker...lets say i get laid off... because i am ins chool...i wldnt qualify fer employment insurance. dispite working full time, and paying in willingly..wldnt matter.... in school no aid. so yeah..i wanna make sure i have my bases covered..ie... back up plan to move in w/ sumbody worst case...
yipes
anyways..nuff that...

lets talk what usually do.... my life. so umm, yeah..been thinking a lot lately, bout life. where i am going, what i want, how long am i willing to wait t get there...and i rwalised sumthing. I'm impatient, now anyways. nvr used to be. but i am now.
when i first started dating allan, i was content w/ being freinds in public and boyfriend/girlfriend in private...but afte months and then a yr...i started wanting more.
and i began to anylise... not good. anyways, realised allan himself..is the best thing to happen to me ina while. I love me a lot that man. wanna spend my life with him. blended family... me emily, him (no threesums, think like big love minus the polygamy marriage part replace w/ polyamoury relationships part) i really want this.... but how long till i get there... cus well... i am getting impatient. so tired of hiding, but nnot just that tired of having a part time boyfriend. i ant those mundane life things.... u know hello hunny how was work, suppers ready, whats on tv, lets cuddle, time fer bed off we go... u know??? the mundane life stuff ppl take fer granted.
and i began to wonder...i mean allan is the bestthing to happen to me...i love him w/ all my heart... and altho hes #1 best in my life now... is the realtionship second best? seriosuly....
last wknd, i wa stired and at a rpg game w/ friends . i laid on the couch, allan then says fer me to lay my head on my lap.... now 2 wksn b4 he did that to me..laid his head on my lap.... it was wonderfully sweet and so great to do in public! so i nervously said ok and laid on his lap, then fell asleep. it was so confortable.... and wonderful to do that in public.... i clda kissed him... if it werent fer the fact we are secretly dating....
why do i feel he's trying his best to give me and emily and him what we all need/want. hes giving me the pda of cuddling,etc in public.... but keeping what he and emily want which is secretcy about poly for now. and altho i think its great..... it still..well it erks me... cus i want ti all. iwant to have a boyfriend. but al least he's trying. he said a long time ago he's do whatever it took to make this work...and he has. and so has emily. but, as much as i want to....i feel so very ...unhappy. i want nmore, and its not fair of me to ask them to come out fer mnysake. cus if they do that b4 they r ready...its disaster! cus thats huge! and also, a lot of prejudice, etc to endure..just fer me. unh-unh! nothappenoing! they can come out when they r ready...but back to me... how long? i dunno how much longer i can hold on....
i want more
i love him so very much, and he lves me. and he really is the best thing ti happen to me in so long....god i am so very bessed to have him,,, but the realtionshp...leaves a lot to be desired. and i didnt know it tilla few mths ago.... i wanted more. i wans satisfied w/ being a freind outside and more inside.. but now... i want more...

am i being selfish?
secret lives,
lies and love
all messed up
together but apart
my heart seeks you out.
i am alone,
but in love
the pain of lonliness drives deepest
when u are around.
i have you only a short while
secret lives
lies and love
its all so very messed up.

i honestly feel guilty about asking him to make plans to include me for christmas.....he told me to reserve a spot for him for this christmas and every one to come.... so sweet. i honeslty know despite what anyone else may think, his intentions are good. he loves me, and i know he must want more too. he's said he does, hes ready to come out... but when will he and emily be ready for me to come to them? u know, will thyey evr be ready for me to move in for example. cus thats what i eventually want. not now tho. i know now is too soon ....for them both. but i wldnmt be objectional if it were to happen now...
fuck, this is so fucked up. i know i'm in love, cus if i werent..i'dve walked away along time ago.
i love me a lot that man... that allan.
despite feeling so messed up, it also feels so right. i make him happy. and he makes me happy....i feel a connection w/ him....and i pray it lasts.....
i really do want forver w/ u allan...polyamoury style of course :) i dont want u to myself, i aint liek ur last girlfiend... no. i want polyamoury at its best....i jst dunno if i can wait.
i am so very lonely. cus i want more... and i cant have it. not yet.

je t'aime
xoxoxo
take care handsum
i'll be waiting..for as long as i can. beleive me when i say..u r the best thing to happen to me in a long time and i love u w/ all my heart now and forever more. i want a lifetime w/ u, poly style :)

Scared shittless.... but all better now

one sentance sums it up... pregnancy scare. but its all better now. see i missed my period in nov, and desdpite allan being fixed there is always that slim to slight possibility soooooo.... monday i bought a test
positive
waitied... cldnt wait the one week as recomended...
bought another test today
negative
as of 400pm it was one positive and one negative... at 500... i got my epriod.
so there in yer face folks. u CAN get false positives!
but just in case, i got one left i'll take it after my period....lol
yeah so i told allan tonight what happned.... he was extremly calm. said he wasnt going n e wheres and u know if i wld have been pregant he'dve been there, it was a blessing... the whole 9 yards.... i cant say unexpected, cus i nvr expected him to run off or say he'd run offf.... but i was pelasantly reasured.
dont get me wrong, aint wanting no kids.... not now
but still... good to know he's here if it happned... u know
ok so the guy just went upa few notches again....
but fiuck.. i hate my period... cldnt it have cuma lil earlier..then i wldnt nvr bee scared like this
yeash!
folks rembere, even with vesectomy's... the ony 100% effective contrceptive.... is to elininate all means od posssible conceprion.. in other words... NO SEX!
i still feel very sick....
and nervous
and scared...
but leat i know i aint preganct... and allan will be there no matter what!
i felt horrible for having to go thru this alone, and allan did too... told me i slda called him monday.... then i'dve had him there..
but, i was so scared.... i wasnt thinign right.. that and well, when u read my previous blogs....
anyways...
i still feel the same way tho bout relationship.... frustrated.... lonely, and at times unhappy...
but.....
least i aint pregnant.
nd i love the guy
and i want to ty to be strong... cus i love him... and i want a life with him..
just yeash... i dont want to step up the relationship sofar as to gte pregnant!
yeash! scary!!!!!
anyways... i gtg, gonna try to sleep tonight... fyi.... thank you birthright.. u were an ear to talk to.... non judgmental, ven when i explained polyamoury!
u ever need talk sum1 if u think u r preganant... birthright are the ones to call. they operate outaa united states AND canada! so very anonymous too!

well i'm outta here.....
i have never been so happy to be negative about sumthing! lol

Babysitting, possibilities, and thoughts...

Yeah, so i just got back frombabysitting my godson,Gabriel. Poor kid, His mom ( my best friend since 11 yrs old) left him and her husband last month for another man.... Gabriel i think is havign ahrd time adjsting. The kid lacks communications skills...comprehension skills are there... but specch wise... he has less vocabulary then allan and emilys' 2 yrs old... and gabriel is 5. anyways, i just got back frombabysitting.... the kid had yet anther nightmare, and mommy dearest forgot to call him yet again. kid's got dark circles and bags under his eyes and now has been having bad nightmares....
makes me wanna punch out his mother....and i will be chatting with his daddy dearest and saying poiint blank, kids showing signs he aint dealing well... please get hima councillor if u want to avoid long term damage!
anyways.... got to thinking while i was out....see his daddy dearest, bill, took me out sunday night to his works' christmas party.....man that was weird. I flat out asked him, said "man, is this a date.... or am i going with u as a friend so u dont go stag" his reply was "i didnt want to go alone and i thgt u wld lieka night out having fun".... so i assume the stag thing... but even tho, it got me to thinking.
see sunday night i got allan to drive me and bill and the lot of us to bills party. on the way out of the car, when i went to hug allan goodbye, i had to dodge a kiss at the last second cus we both forgot where we were and almost kissed goodbye. got me to thinking, how even the lil things like a goodbye peck on the lips to your significant other, can be taken for granted.....and erks me that i have to hide that urge and those feelings in public. i used to be fine with doinf that, but now that i love the guy and have that urge to step thingsup in the relationship, well it bothers me now to have to hide our relationship in public. but anyways, that got me thinking.... and i found myself doing it again tonight.
now let me make this clear...... i dont want a family...least not now. i eman i did, with frank. till i got royally burned by that guy and as such now i just... i cant see myself having a family with any guy after what happned with frank....
so going on..
tonight i am at Bill, viv'd and gabriel's p[lace babysitting gabriel.... and i get to making the kids supper, cuddling with him on sofa and putting him to bed.. and te thought passes thru "wow, wouldnt a family life liek this be great." then another thought " you'll never have this as long as you are with allan...."
ouch
i mean allan has said that POSSIBLY MAYBE IF EVER I WANTED TO START A FAMILY MAYBE POSSIBLY JUST MAYBE HE MIGHT POSSIBLY MAYBE maybe maybe.... reverse his vesictimy and CONSIDER another kid in time maybe possibly...
which tell me... he is incredibly sweet for even considering reversing ffor me if ever i wanted a family... but tell me, the guy is thru.. i mean come on... guys dont get vesectimys for fun...e specially if they have to pay to get it reversed and even then no gtees they cld have kids...
so yeah... i'll nvr have that, is a valid point.
then when bill came home we are ont eh sofa eating mcdonalds (heheh, my babysitting fee was a chicken wrap and a muffin...hey for the right folks i am a cheap sittter...) anyways... and i got to thinking how nice it was just to be sittign there after he got home from work and chatting adn watching tv and eating together....
and another thought pops in
"its going to be a long time b4 u have that with allan"
dammit! ouch! stupid thoughts, quit it!
but tru... i mean..... even once emily and allan finally decide its time to step out into the light and tell the world that they are polyamourous..... its still gonna be a while b4 they finally decide thwey want a blended family, IF thats what they BOTH want....
i just, i know i am venting bout the same thing... and both my freidn in the world of online blogging and my best friend on the other side of the country both say the same... i deserve better....
i just... i want more.... and i dont have it
so anyways.. i am done yowling and am off to bed... alone.... u know if i were dating anyother guy right now i'd probably be curled up beside him watching tv ot snuggle dup in bed... but no....he's home and i'm here.... alone with my cats....
well theres a plus... fat cat wont ever break my heart, heloves me for me and purrs when i come home ans snuggles me everynight in bed on the sofa , and loves to be around me....
course, i cant kiss fat cat... nor do i... thata one relationhip i am happy to keep as is...lol. fat cat and me, are destined to be companions...lol nuttin more
gtg now... doen whining... maybe sum day i'll actually get up and DO sumthing.... i just dont know what.... and done say dump him... cus i lvoe the guy... i love allan.... i already tried breakign up with him....i cant get that stregnth to do that again.....
fuck, why do i d this to myself... do i enjoy fucked up relarionships or sumthing????
hopenot...
tata for now....

BTW my dearest blogger friend told me so..warned me early on bout this saying i deserved better.... and has said again recently.... i hate admitting when i am wrong... and i desperatly want allan to proove my friends wrog ont his one... but fuck! i am souhappy right now...pleae guys be patient witn me... no matter what i do with my life... be patiennt, be there, and love me...cus i need my friends right now...

big questions+haunted feelings=long winded post

First, I would just like to say I had one main fear at the beginning of my polyamourous relationship, one i blogged about quite frequently...at the beginning. I wa sa fear that this would all end bacause Emily would ask us to end it.
It a common fear, i'm told. Emily said one of her Boyfriends ,Bob (who lived ina neighbouring city), thought for weeks that Allen would come at him witha 2x4 for seeing his wife. welll, ok so his fear was his life would end cus of the relationship...lol. my fear was my relationship would end .... but same idea. both of us were scared of our polyamourous's significant other puttin an end to the relationship.
so, i eventually got over this fear. i mean it was always at theback of my mind. and nobody except those who read this blog knew of it. This blog wa sa way for me to get those fears out and as such to deal with them.
months wendt by...
months turned into a year.... and depsite the absolutly an hellish summer we had i thought a firm and wonderful relationship and that I never had to worry about being told to end things or feeling i had to end things because it was what emily wanted.
Oh, in case u r not up to date here was the "hellish" summer/fall... lets see we'll start with

me : my dad 's marriageof 18yrs was still falling apart and he was deciding to try to go overseas w/ the military and brought up fears of him attempting suicide again, my relationship with Allan was getting harder to deal with as all the hiding and lies and secretivness were having a huge toll on my heart and life especialy when i wanted things to go up a step or 2 in our relaionship and had no idea how that wld ever work, and then there was in june the panic attacks and the being put off work for 3 months due to panaic attacks and stress and then there was the stressors in allan and emily's lives as the man i loved and my bestfriend had to deal with deaths of loved ones .... afterall, what effects them effects me... especially if it is sumthign allan goes thru....
Allan: his Nana, the woman who (as he puts it) "taught him all about love" passed away after a SUCESSFUL hip replacement surgury. One of his friends, Victor, commits suicide. Allans aunt dies under "strange" circumstances. then another old friend and old roomate also passes away in the fall. Emily starts to push for "open" relationships vs polyamourous realtionships despite being told it was unaccaptable. du to stress and other things allan and emily's relationship suffers, then combine my stressors and emilys stressors (will get into details below) = one fucked up summer/fall.
Emily: not only does she have several deaths of people who are dear to her which happen in the corse of 3 mths (Allan's Nana, her friend Victor, and her Aunt in law) but she also loses a co worker to cancer unexpantantly, then combine my stressors, and allans's stressors, and combine her feelings of being neglected in her relationship add a secret relationship /online affair with a married man which happens behind allan's back then which gets found out in the fall... welll.... that also equals one fucked up summer/fall!
so now that i have that down...... i had delat with the fear of being tolfd to take a hike from allan , a long time ago. but when the problems with allan and emily came up well... emily met with me and our other dear freind who knows about the polyamoury one sunday night. allan went away ona business trip. emily told us what had happned. that she had an online affair and allen found pout and tht the trust between them had completly been broken. she proceeded to tell me that she an allan had been having intimacy problems and clouldnt undertand how he and i cld be intimate but not her and him. she told me it was painful to her, that thought of him and i being intimate and making love when he wasnt intimate or maaking love with her....so told me why she did what she had done, and just how bad she thought things wer then ... brought up... the rule.
ther are a few rules allan and emily set up b4 embarking on polyamoury. one of which was if ever the relationship beween allan and emily suffered that all othe relationships had to be put on hold till theirs was fixed.
in essance a good rule. one i agreed with in essance. afterall when it was introduced when i had only just been starting to se allan.
big problem tho.... this rule didnt take into account the fact that the "other" relationships may be at sume point serious, and long term too. so how is it fair to end one long term realtionship just cus the other was longer and having probems? how i ti fair to cus off one love for the sake of another thus breakign hearts.
me, being selfless and at times self inflicting of pain..... when i heard emily say this...that she clouldnt undertsand why allaan wasnt keeping his promise to her that if they ever had problems he'd end things in his other relationahips... she cldnt undertsand why he handt ended him and me for her an his sakes.
ouch.
i knew that this was happening, i hd told allan a few times b4 when i felt things getting bad between him and emily ( cus she had voiced her concerns a few times abotu them) we cld end it between us so he an emily cld fixt their relationship... and each time he said the same thing, its not fair to me, its not my place to end it with him and me for him and her, and that it was nt fair, and all was fine. but when i heard emily say these things again and watch her cry i flat out decided to end it. for their sake
allan was still away when i spilled the beans to emily one night... she was going on and on about allan and i or sumthing and how good i had it and was getting bitter and i cant remeber what she said but i cldnt hold back anymore and i said "well if u knew what i was going to do for u and allan whe he got back then u wldnt say that to me!"
she then frooze in her tracks and asked if i was breaking up with allan. when i replied yes.... SHE ASKED ME NOT TO! this had come up b4 and she had asked me not to break up with him btw....
i still tried. and allan wldnt let me. sayign again it wasnt fair to end our long term realtionship which was going fine just because of him and emily's relationship which wasnt going fine.
i agree with now.
i thought emily was fine. afterall she had asked me not to break up, and i wasnt going to.
a few days later..... when allan and emily were in a councilling session, emily demanded allan end things with me.
worst fear....
happens.
allen and emily fight and after a while allan says he wld like to offer a comprimise, no sex between him and i for 30 days but that he'dlike to s/w me first. emily agrees.
when said comprimise is brought up to me after a huge fight between me allan and emily (btw)
i tell allan...
no.
its all or nothing.
i realised after trying to break things off with allan, after goign thru that agaony, the heart break, the talk afterwards..... that after 1 yr i had a relationship. i wasnt just dating allan. and i loved him. if this were at the beginning, a few mths in i had no problems with a "comprimise"
cus afterall, we did slow things down at the beginnign for that reason... as emily was having a hard time adjusting to meand allan , we slowed it down.
but now... no.
i got my backbone and said u know what... i am thru sacrificing and hurting myself for the sake of others..... what was fair about puttoig ANY aspect of my relationship on hold, or even ending it.
so i said to allen....".no." and then "now what? cus the only reason emily didnt still demand we end it was cus of his comprimise. and now that i said no... what now?"
cus i mean it....
as much as i love alen.... i have very little of a relationship as it is. i am unwillign to scarifice even a little bit of what i do have....
so yeah... my worst fear... has come tru. and i am having a hard tiem dealign with it. cus i feel hurt. emily told me it was ok, asked me to stay with allen, then days later demands we break up....
i am scared again. and angry. and bitter.
i am also, in limbo. i told allan, b4 he menationed the comprimise and b4 the big fight that i dont know where our relationship is going. i am tired of hiding, but i dont want them to come out just for me.... i just wanted to let them know that i donno how much longer i can do this for.....i told them both that in our talks. i mean i have been dating allan for a yr now, i love him, and if this were any other relationship, even with kids.... i;d be talkigbaout moving in together, taking it up a few notches.... but with polyamoury, hows that work? well thast aoerks when all parties want a blended family, as far as i knew eventually we all wanted a blanded family, right? or do we? i knwo i do, i knwo allan does, and i know emily... did. des she now? and if she does, when? how much longer am i to be the grlfrend on the side. the worman he see for a cpl hrs on thursdays and a cpl hours on sundays.....
how much longer do i have to fear beign founfd out. how much longer do i have to hide? i love this man, i'd liekt o tell my family. i'd like to hold his hand in public, i;d liek to go out ona date woth being worried sum1 will see us.
i used to be happy with us just being freinds in public and lovers/ bf-gf in private..... but not now. now i want more.... and i dont see how i ever will have more? and even with the promise of more,ie eventually a belended family, i dont see how much longer i can hide. i am so alone. and i am unhapy! i am so fucking unhappy in this relationship now because of all this fucking hiding and it breaks my heart! and i know it bothers allen too, and i knwo he is tired of hiding, and i knw he wants to come out.... but even when he eventually comes out, how and when will i fit in? i still want more? i still will want to move things up a notch and i cant.... cus he has another life, and before my relationship with him can go up to the nxt level which for me is intergrating our lives, moving in together etc..... we need to wait till emily AND ALAN are ready...and how long will that be when she has said she wanted allan and i to end our relationship till hers and allns was fixed....
how? when?
i cant wait forever, i thought i could..... i thought i cld be happy with what i had.... and not want moe... but i want more. i long for it. i want to be a part of allens life. not beside it. and he says that i am not, but i am on the side. i live on my own. and i dont want that. i want to have the hunny i'm home, i want the watching tv together, i want the mundane life stuff tohgether, i want the suppers together, i want rhe budget panning, i want the grocery shopping together, the laundry together, the cleaning the home, the cuddles at night, the waking uo in the morning and trying to get him outta bed, i want a life with allen. and i by no means whatsoever want things to end with him and emily... what i want is that blended family..... her and him with their kids and me under the same roof.....i want to be together......
and after she demanded it end... well how do i know 5 yrs down the rd she wont demand it end again?
how do i know when she will be ready to come out? and even when she is ready to come out... when will they both be ready to have me as a part of their family under the same roof?
i am not asking to move in..... i just.... i want moire.....maybe i am askign to move in.... i dunno...i just know i am so unhappy with what little i have now.... i want more.....and i dont think what i am asking for is unreasonable...its what any relationship has...intergrated lives. taking it up from dating to a relationship to a commitied long term relationship....
and am haunted by the words i said to my best friend...
"why do i do this to myself"
and her reply
"maybe because u dont think u deserve better?"
and another friend tellign me
"dont settle for second best."
and i am hauted by the feeling lately that with being the girlfriend ont eh side, with the lack of the ability to take things upa notch.... that i have settled for secodne best, and that thought kills me insode. cus i dont think allan is secodne best to anything or anyone.....and i know he doenst see me as second best or #2. but the relationship....the relationship..... is it seocnde best?
and i know allan doesnt love me any less then emily...... there is no # and #2.... but still....

oh allen..... je t'aime. but i dont know how much longer i can wait or how much stronger i can be....