Babysitting, possibilities, and thoughts...

Yeah, so i just got back frombabysitting my godson,Gabriel. Poor kid, His mom ( my best friend since 11 yrs old) left him and her husband last month for another man.... Gabriel i think is havign ahrd time adjsting. The kid lacks communications skills...comprehension skills are there... but specch wise... he has less vocabulary then allan and emilys' 2 yrs old... and gabriel is 5. anyways, i just got back frombabysitting.... the kid had yet anther nightmare, and mommy dearest forgot to call him yet again. kid's got dark circles and bags under his eyes and now has been having bad nightmares....
makes me wanna punch out his mother....and i will be chatting with his daddy dearest and saying poiint blank, kids showing signs he aint dealing well... please get hima councillor if u want to avoid long term damage!
anyways.... got to thinking while i was out....see his daddy dearest, bill, took me out sunday night to his works' christmas party.....man that was weird. I flat out asked him, said "man, is this a date.... or am i going with u as a friend so u dont go stag" his reply was "i didnt want to go alone and i thgt u wld lieka night out having fun".... so i assume the stag thing... but even tho, it got me to thinking.
see sunday night i got allan to drive me and bill and the lot of us to bills party. on the way out of the car, when i went to hug allan goodbye, i had to dodge a kiss at the last second cus we both forgot where we were and almost kissed goodbye. got me to thinking, how even the lil things like a goodbye peck on the lips to your significant other, can be taken for granted.....and erks me that i have to hide that urge and those feelings in public. i used to be fine with doinf that, but now that i love the guy and have that urge to step thingsup in the relationship, well it bothers me now to have to hide our relationship in public. but anyways, that got me thinking.... and i found myself doing it again tonight.
now let me make this clear...... i dont want a family...least not now. i eman i did, with frank. till i got royally burned by that guy and as such now i just... i cant see myself having a family with any guy after what happned with frank....
so going on..
tonight i am at Bill, viv'd and gabriel's p[lace babysitting gabriel.... and i get to making the kids supper, cuddling with him on sofa and putting him to bed.. and te thought passes thru "wow, wouldnt a family life liek this be great." then another thought " you'll never have this as long as you are with allan...."
ouch
i mean allan has said that POSSIBLY MAYBE IF EVER I WANTED TO START A FAMILY MAYBE POSSIBLY JUST MAYBE HE MIGHT POSSIBLY MAYBE maybe maybe.... reverse his vesictimy and CONSIDER another kid in time maybe possibly...
which tell me... he is incredibly sweet for even considering reversing ffor me if ever i wanted a family... but tell me, the guy is thru.. i mean come on... guys dont get vesectimys for fun...e specially if they have to pay to get it reversed and even then no gtees they cld have kids...
so yeah... i'll nvr have that, is a valid point.
then when bill came home we are ont eh sofa eating mcdonalds (heheh, my babysitting fee was a chicken wrap and a muffin...hey for the right folks i am a cheap sittter...) anyways... and i got to thinking how nice it was just to be sittign there after he got home from work and chatting adn watching tv and eating together....
and another thought pops in
"its going to be a long time b4 u have that with allan"
dammit! ouch! stupid thoughts, quit it!
but tru... i mean..... even once emily and allan finally decide its time to step out into the light and tell the world that they are polyamourous..... its still gonna be a while b4 they finally decide thwey want a blended family, IF thats what they BOTH want....
i just, i know i am venting bout the same thing... and both my freidn in the world of online blogging and my best friend on the other side of the country both say the same... i deserve better....
i just... i want more.... and i dont have it
so anyways.. i am done yowling and am off to bed... alone.... u know if i were dating anyother guy right now i'd probably be curled up beside him watching tv ot snuggle dup in bed... but no....he's home and i'm here.... alone with my cats....
well theres a plus... fat cat wont ever break my heart, heloves me for me and purrs when i come home ans snuggles me everynight in bed on the sofa , and loves to be around me....
course, i cant kiss fat cat... nor do i... thata one relationhip i am happy to keep as is...lol. fat cat and me, are destined to be companions...lol nuttin more
gtg now... doen whining... maybe sum day i'll actually get up and DO sumthing.... i just dont know what.... and done say dump him... cus i lvoe the guy... i love allan.... i already tried breakign up with him....i cant get that stregnth to do that again.....
fuck, why do i d this to myself... do i enjoy fucked up relarionships or sumthing????
hopenot...
tata for now....

BTW my dearest blogger friend told me so..warned me early on bout this saying i deserved better.... and has said again recently.... i hate admitting when i am wrong... and i desperatly want allan to proove my friends wrog ont his one... but fuck! i am souhappy right now...pleae guys be patient witn me... no matter what i do with my life... be patiennt, be there, and love me...cus i need my friends right now...