poly style

Ok, so i know that i do a lot of bellyaching on this blog.... but u know what... ever since i started this blog...its beena release. a way for me to anonymously vent out about my life w/out fear of reprocusion (however u spell that, anyways).... I just want to say that cus recenty i got told that doing this kida blog was silly.... not by any of u folks that happen to read it... no i told myself this...
hey, it aint crazy to have conversations w/ yerself in yer head....whats crazy is having conversations w/ yerself aloud. lol
anyways... i got over that feeling, realising i have needed this blog to vent... ansd to talk about the good but mostly the bad....

so, anyways...
amily kinda svcared me tonight.... told me how the youngest lil gal of hers came about.... turns out in april and may, she got her period but it wa slight, and short, and kinda wonky. so she took a pregnancy test. negative. went to dr for a pa... and bam! pregnant. did ultrta sound... yup pregnant...
so yeah... i dont think i'll feel btr now until i see my dr on jan 7th.... think i may ask allan to tag along... just in case. fuck! i hate that feeing.... but hey.... bettr safe then sorry. lol
yeah...
part of me si terrified, the other part...anxious, and another part.... i dunno....
so yeah.... happy ho ho ho to me!

so lets talk sumthing i nvr talk about....politics. i guess Canada is heading fer recession too it looks like...crap. and i decided to go back to university to get either a teaching degree or a socila work degreee.... welll... looks like i'll be sitting down and talking w/ friends and family cus well...heres the kivker...lets say i get laid off... because i am ins chool...i wldnt qualify fer employment insurance. dispite working full time, and paying in willingly..wldnt matter.... in school no aid. so yeah..i wanna make sure i have my bases covered..ie... back up plan to move in w/ sumbody worst case...
yipes
anyways..nuff that...

lets talk what usually do.... my life. so umm, yeah..been thinking a lot lately, bout life. where i am going, what i want, how long am i willing to wait t get there...and i rwalised sumthing. I'm impatient, now anyways. nvr used to be. but i am now.
when i first started dating allan, i was content w/ being freinds in public and boyfriend/girlfriend in private...but afte months and then a yr...i started wanting more.
and i began to anylise... not good. anyways, realised allan himself..is the best thing to happen to me ina while. I love me a lot that man. wanna spend my life with him. blended family... me emily, him (no threesums, think like big love minus the polygamy marriage part replace w/ polyamoury relationships part) i really want this.... but how long till i get there... cus well... i am getting impatient. so tired of hiding, but nnot just that tired of having a part time boyfriend. i ant those mundane life things.... u know hello hunny how was work, suppers ready, whats on tv, lets cuddle, time fer bed off we go... u know??? the mundane life stuff ppl take fer granted.
and i began to wonder...i mean allan is the bestthing to happen to me...i love him w/ all my heart... and altho hes #1 best in my life now... is the realtionship second best? seriosuly....
last wknd, i wa stired and at a rpg game w/ friends . i laid on the couch, allan then says fer me to lay my head on my lap.... now 2 wksn b4 he did that to me..laid his head on my lap.... it was wonderfully sweet and so great to do in public! so i nervously said ok and laid on his lap, then fell asleep. it was so confortable.... and wonderful to do that in public.... i clda kissed him... if it werent fer the fact we are secretly dating....
why do i feel he's trying his best to give me and emily and him what we all need/want. hes giving me the pda of cuddling,etc in public.... but keeping what he and emily want which is secretcy about poly for now. and altho i think its great..... it still..well it erks me... cus i want ti all. iwant to have a boyfriend. but al least he's trying. he said a long time ago he's do whatever it took to make this work...and he has. and so has emily. but, as much as i want to....i feel so very ...unhappy. i want nmore, and its not fair of me to ask them to come out fer mnysake. cus if they do that b4 they r ready...its disaster! cus thats huge! and also, a lot of prejudice, etc to endure..just fer me. unh-unh! nothappenoing! they can come out when they r ready...but back to me... how long? i dunno how much longer i can hold on....
i want more
i love him so very much, and he lves me. and he really is the best thing ti happen to me in so long....god i am so very bessed to have him,,, but the realtionshp...leaves a lot to be desired. and i didnt know it tilla few mths ago.... i wanted more. i wans satisfied w/ being a freind outside and more inside.. but now... i want more...

am i being selfish?
secret lives,
lies and love
all messed up
together but apart
my heart seeks you out.
i am alone,
but in love
the pain of lonliness drives deepest
when u are around.
i have you only a short while
secret lives
lies and love
its all so very messed up.

i honestly feel guilty about asking him to make plans to include me for christmas.....he told me to reserve a spot for him for this christmas and every one to come.... so sweet. i honeslty know despite what anyone else may think, his intentions are good. he loves me, and i know he must want more too. he's said he does, hes ready to come out... but when will he and emily be ready for me to come to them? u know, will thyey evr be ready for me to move in for example. cus thats what i eventually want. not now tho. i know now is too soon ....for them both. but i wldnmt be objectional if it were to happen now...
fuck, this is so fucked up. i know i'm in love, cus if i werent..i'dve walked away along time ago.
i love me a lot that man... that allan.
despite feeling so messed up, it also feels so right. i make him happy. and he makes me happy....i feel a connection w/ him....and i pray it lasts.....
i really do want forver w/ u allan...polyamoury style of course :) i dont want u to myself, i aint liek ur last girlfiend... no. i want polyamoury at its best....i jst dunno if i can wait.
i am so very lonely. cus i want more... and i cant have it. not yet.

je t'aime
xoxoxo
take care handsum
i'll be waiting..for as long as i can. beleive me when i say..u r the best thing to happen to me in a long time and i love u w/ all my heart now and forever more. i want a lifetime w/ u, poly style :)