Happy Ho ho ho to me

Well, this Christmas eve was shall we say.. an enlightening one. and no, i dont mean cus of the perdy christas tree lights.
I spent Christmas eve....with .... frank?????????!!!!!!!!!!!
well, not intentionally anyways.
I went to christmas eve service at my church (grandmotherless... she cldnt get down till christmas day cus of the weather) At church i met up with John (maes son& dear freind of mine) he mentioned he had wrapping still to do, when i mentioned i needed to get some done as well he invited me over to his dad's place. I accepted, afterall Mae's daughter Patricia wanted to see me for Christmas anyways.
john had no idea FRank was there visting Thomas (mae's husband) and patricia for christmas too.
I walked int he door and said
"happy Christmas....oh,oh... merry christmas frank???" (fyi, watched the tudors and as it is set in king henry's vii's (i think) time they say happy christmas on the show and had been saying that all day.lol)
i had a choice... i cld make fer a hasty retreat, miss out on visiting and wrapping and make patricia and john and possibley thomas feel bad.... or i cld deal, muster up all my courage, and stay.
I stayed
part of me...regrets that i did.
the other part of me is proud i did.
and yet another part of me feel weird.
while i was there, didnt allan call at one point to wish me a merry christmas and to say "i love you" i cldnt say it back cus everybody was there and he knew it.... but i was so happy he did think to call me. it helped to hear his voice, it gave me corage to get thru the night. and i was so happy to heard him say merry christmas and i love you :)
I realised 2 things that night.
1) I have overcome my bitterness and anger towards Frank. least i did that night. and
2) i can never be friends with frank.
It was so very weird.... we were talking and smiling and joking like we used to do in the best of years. It wa so comfortable. normal. well abnormal but felt normal, u know? we were teasing patricia, and poking fun at paul, he and i were talking about the family catching up on the animals and the ex in laws.
btw, on a side note... frank told me the 9-10inch sized oscars died. i was always the one who manged to nurse them back to good health when they got sick. i always got the meds into the aquarium, fed them one pellet ata time nursing them back to health. i always said they were franks babies, but really... they were my babies too. lol. turns out scar the male got sick and died, 2 wks later os the female followed. they were a good 11 inces long each when they died.... i mourn them. no seriously, i do. i loved those fish! they had cool personlaities! they knew who their owner s were! and when they wanted food, if i was in the room the female wld start charging and spashing at the top of the water. they'd splish and spalsh if a new person came in the livingroom...oscars that sixe made good watchfish, lol, man they were cool. and the best part. even tho they were huge fish who loved live food, i cld reach into that tank and pick up each of them hold them in my hands and put them in the temp tank to clean their big tank. they wldnt flop, they were calm in my hands outta the water. no struggle to get them, when they saw my hand they wld let me scoop em right up. cool eh? they were red oscars if i rember correctly. anyways back to chrstmas eve w/ frank
it was so very very weird, but not in the least awkward. all the time i kept thinking of allan, and how i wanted him there. and then... frank gave me a look. and i melted. 8 yrs together, i could count on 2hands the amount of times we'd had sex. but after 8 yrs, he grew to know my buttons, and i grew to love and know the rare times when he'd give me that wanting you lookin his eyes.
i saw that look.... once. i know i did....
and i melted.
dear god did i melt.
but only physically.
frank to me, is incredibly attractive... and after yrs of beign together they werent all bad. one flash of that look and i had to severly remind myself why i left in the first place. and had to reprimand myself for melting.
by melting i mean... just that.... the oh dear god feeling....i cant really decribe it. it was just that.
after reminding myself of the reasons i left, and the fact i was in love w/ another man (allan) and that frank had been from what i know dating yet another woman....it was enuff. i manged to keep from melting anf to keep from getting awkward.
till the end of the night. frank stayed until john and i decided to leave. i took franks hand and wished him a merry christmas and he looked kinda hurt and said " is that all i get?"
i gave him a hug.... then had to dash out the door. cus i melted.
why the hell is he like this a yr and half later... i dunno. maybe cus he rewalises what dumb fuccking ass he was and that i am sumthign really special and he will never have the pleasure and privialage to know me that way again?
yeah thats it. know that i think about it, maybe thats why he was all nice nicely to me. having seens 4 other woman now int heis past yr 1/2... maybe he realiseing just how stupid he was to let me walk away.
ha!
ok justa lil bitterness there. lol. yippee!
thank god we dont have any kids! i cldnt deal with that everytime he'd come to get kids..... i dunno how my father did it w/ my mother and i dont know how my blogging friend does it w/ his cubs' mother!
so yeah, i realise i no longer have bitterness w/ frank. I have sumthing else.
heaven forbid he pick up on what hapneded and proceeeds to try to build on it. heaven forbid.i doint need that shit! its my worst feat. then, then i'll need to do sum serious rereading to remind myself just how much of an asshole he was to me and how bad it was and make sure i am honest to allan so he knows and take sum councilling again to make sure i am dealing and wont give myself a damn panic attack!
see thats the problems in bad relationships.....its hard to leave, cus its sumthign u know. no matter how bad, u know it... and when i left i thgt id dealt w/ all those feelings. and i know i did. cus i dont love the man anymore. but w/ the recent months of me wanting more from allan and not getting it...now i have to refocus myself and make damn sure i remind myslef daily franks bad for me, despite those incredibley handsum grey eyes and that sweet innocent boyish smile hidden behind that wonderfully well kept and dashing black will riker from star trek beard.... and that wikedly funny sense of humour that can still make me laugh so hard i piss myself.
purly physical nutting more. i'd never go back to frank. can't. wont put myself thru that again. purly physical. the guy was bad for me. at the beginnign it was sweet. he and i were in love. u dont marry to divorce afterall. but in the end, frank was an asshole who treated me like shit!
allan, oh allan. he's got the whole pkg.i love him so very much. he's everything frank wasnt and more. allan teeats me like a princess, calls me beautifula nd sexy, he is a loving, caring, handsum, sweeet, kind, honest, funny, sexy, expressive, adorable,appreciative,cuddly, hugable, intelligent, ambitious, sensitive, creative, with the most beautful soul i have ever come across and a wonderfully huge heart capable of loving equally more then one woman at a time.

so that waschristmas eve...
christmas was with allan and emily their 2 of 3 kids an my grandmother.
by the end of the night grams was priasing allan left right and centre. thought he was a sweet caring man. even went so far as to tell him she considered him her adopted grandson! lol.
well he did keep calling her grams all night! lol
oh if she only knew! lol
it was wonderful to see them getting along so well. she even got along w/ wnedy. she thought wendy was a caring mother and a wonderful cook too! lol.
oh we had the best ham dinner ever! yum! ham and fiddle heads and potaoes and veggies w/ cheescake fer dessert!
omg!
we chated fer hours afterwards!
i even gave allan and family their gifts.
i got allan his fave true crime authors newest book (btk), a book on batman and philosphy, a wizard w/a dragon figurine (for his geek room), a 25$ gift card for a local store, and a pair of jeans.
i got emily a $50 gift card for a local store, the "love" keychain from sex and the city, a pair of lighters, and another gift which she has to open on new yrs eve for the gift exchange w/ martha and me :)
i bought their two girls the stuart little set
a dn for thier boy, i drew and framed his 3 fave super mario characters to put on his wall cus he wanted them painted on the wall but his parent said no so i drew it fer him to hang up. ok, i drew luigi, waluigi and yoshi. the hardest ne to draw was luigi! dammit! waluigi is supposed to be the hardest to draw but he wa sthe easiest! luigi is supposed ot be the easiest but he was the hardest! lol
i got my dad a max lucado bible ( as dad is a new christian), and a devotinal book called purpose driven life ( which i will hope helps w/ his walk and his life in genral), anda box of cherry chocolates which he loves!
i got my lil sister a keepsake thing she cld hang on the tree, or stick to her locker at school or to the fridge which says new driver 2008 and can house her pic. she just got her beginners this yr! yeah for my lil sis! she was from dads second marriage, so shes a lot younger then me btw!
i got paul a mini roulette table that has shot glasses and i also got him 2 figurines he can paint up, one of a viking like guy standing on a slain dragon, and one of a dragon in armour.
i got gabriel my godson a cars kids shaving kit (i also have to give him an angel which i will ahve to venture out on sat or sun toget (ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!) ...its traditional. everytime i buy him a gift for xmas i give him an angel and this yr i forgot! and i just remebered now. whoops:)
i got mom a "thanks mom" book and a 25$ gift card to her fave clothing store
i got martha a book of romance vampire, ghost and werewolf stories(hehehehe)
and thats everybody :)
best part is, the gift cards were all bought w/ award points at work that i get for performing well :) so very thoughtful and as alan said "aww, thats sweet" lol
oh what did i get?????... awesum gifts!!!!
dad got me a computer desk and a 20 inch flat screen lcd moniter!and a 4 qrt slow cooker (yippeee, no really i wanted one. now i can have meals waiting fer me cooked when i get home ;)
grams gave me money ( god bless her i needed that!)
allan gave me MEERKAT MANOR SEASON 1 DVD!!!! AND THE TELUS STUFFED MEERKAT FROM GUND!!!!!!!!!!!! serosuly outta all the gifts, the lil stuffed meerkat and the dvd, were my fave gifts! lol. oh and he got me... my own copy... of watchmen graphic novel!!!!!! i started reading his last yr and then he lent it out. lol. now i have my own!
i dunno what emily got me... i suspect either sex in the city or mama mia... the gal cant keepa secret. ill find out at the gift exchange new yrs eve.
and thats it!
i made off like a bandit! lol

the best part thos... the most wonderful gift of all...
was spending christmas day w/ my boyfirend, my best friend, their kids, and my grandmother.....
that was awesum!

merry christmas. happy new year.
take care