big questions+haunted feelings=long winded post

First, I would just like to say I had one main fear at the beginning of my polyamourous relationship, one i blogged about quite frequently...at the beginning. I wa sa fear that this would all end bacause Emily would ask us to end it.
It a common fear, i'm told. Emily said one of her Boyfriends ,Bob (who lived ina neighbouring city), thought for weeks that Allen would come at him witha 2x4 for seeing his wife. welll, ok so his fear was his life would end cus of the relationship...lol. my fear was my relationship would end .... but same idea. both of us were scared of our polyamourous's significant other puttin an end to the relationship.
so, i eventually got over this fear. i mean it was always at theback of my mind. and nobody except those who read this blog knew of it. This blog wa sa way for me to get those fears out and as such to deal with them.
months wendt by...
months turned into a year.... and depsite the absolutly an hellish summer we had i thought a firm and wonderful relationship and that I never had to worry about being told to end things or feeling i had to end things because it was what emily wanted.
Oh, in case u r not up to date here was the "hellish" summer/fall... lets see we'll start with

me : my dad 's marriageof 18yrs was still falling apart and he was deciding to try to go overseas w/ the military and brought up fears of him attempting suicide again, my relationship with Allan was getting harder to deal with as all the hiding and lies and secretivness were having a huge toll on my heart and life especialy when i wanted things to go up a step or 2 in our relaionship and had no idea how that wld ever work, and then there was in june the panic attacks and the being put off work for 3 months due to panaic attacks and stress and then there was the stressors in allan and emily's lives as the man i loved and my bestfriend had to deal with deaths of loved ones .... afterall, what effects them effects me... especially if it is sumthign allan goes thru....
Allan: his Nana, the woman who (as he puts it) "taught him all about love" passed away after a SUCESSFUL hip replacement surgury. One of his friends, Victor, commits suicide. Allans aunt dies under "strange" circumstances. then another old friend and old roomate also passes away in the fall. Emily starts to push for "open" relationships vs polyamourous realtionships despite being told it was unaccaptable. du to stress and other things allan and emily's relationship suffers, then combine my stressors and emilys stressors (will get into details below) = one fucked up summer/fall.
Emily: not only does she have several deaths of people who are dear to her which happen in the corse of 3 mths (Allan's Nana, her friend Victor, and her Aunt in law) but she also loses a co worker to cancer unexpantantly, then combine my stressors, and allans's stressors, and combine her feelings of being neglected in her relationship add a secret relationship /online affair with a married man which happens behind allan's back then which gets found out in the fall... welll.... that also equals one fucked up summer/fall!
so now that i have that down...... i had delat with the fear of being tolfd to take a hike from allan , a long time ago. but when the problems with allan and emily came up well... emily met with me and our other dear freind who knows about the polyamoury one sunday night. allan went away ona business trip. emily told us what had happned. that she had an online affair and allen found pout and tht the trust between them had completly been broken. she proceeded to tell me that she an allan had been having intimacy problems and clouldnt undertand how he and i cld be intimate but not her and him. she told me it was painful to her, that thought of him and i being intimate and making love when he wasnt intimate or maaking love with her....so told me why she did what she had done, and just how bad she thought things wer then ... brought up... the rule.
ther are a few rules allan and emily set up b4 embarking on polyamoury. one of which was if ever the relationship beween allan and emily suffered that all othe relationships had to be put on hold till theirs was fixed.
in essance a good rule. one i agreed with in essance. afterall when it was introduced when i had only just been starting to se allan.
big problem tho.... this rule didnt take into account the fact that the "other" relationships may be at sume point serious, and long term too. so how is it fair to end one long term realtionship just cus the other was longer and having probems? how i ti fair to cus off one love for the sake of another thus breakign hearts.
me, being selfless and at times self inflicting of pain..... when i heard emily say this...that she clouldnt undertsand why allaan wasnt keeping his promise to her that if they ever had problems he'd end things in his other relationahips... she cldnt undertsand why he handt ended him and me for her an his sakes.
ouch.
i knew that this was happening, i hd told allan a few times b4 when i felt things getting bad between him and emily ( cus she had voiced her concerns a few times abotu them) we cld end it between us so he an emily cld fixt their relationship... and each time he said the same thing, its not fair to me, its not my place to end it with him and me for him and her, and that it was nt fair, and all was fine. but when i heard emily say these things again and watch her cry i flat out decided to end it. for their sake
allan was still away when i spilled the beans to emily one night... she was going on and on about allan and i or sumthing and how good i had it and was getting bitter and i cant remeber what she said but i cldnt hold back anymore and i said "well if u knew what i was going to do for u and allan whe he got back then u wldnt say that to me!"
she then frooze in her tracks and asked if i was breaking up with allan. when i replied yes.... SHE ASKED ME NOT TO! this had come up b4 and she had asked me not to break up with him btw....
i still tried. and allan wldnt let me. sayign again it wasnt fair to end our long term realtionship which was going fine just because of him and emily's relationship which wasnt going fine.
i agree with now.
i thought emily was fine. afterall she had asked me not to break up, and i wasnt going to.
a few days later..... when allan and emily were in a councilling session, emily demanded allan end things with me.
worst fear....
happens.
allen and emily fight and after a while allan says he wld like to offer a comprimise, no sex between him and i for 30 days but that he'dlike to s/w me first. emily agrees.
when said comprimise is brought up to me after a huge fight between me allan and emily (btw)
i tell allan...
no.
its all or nothing.
i realised after trying to break things off with allan, after goign thru that agaony, the heart break, the talk afterwards..... that after 1 yr i had a relationship. i wasnt just dating allan. and i loved him. if this were at the beginning, a few mths in i had no problems with a "comprimise"
cus afterall, we did slow things down at the beginnign for that reason... as emily was having a hard time adjusting to meand allan , we slowed it down.
but now... no.
i got my backbone and said u know what... i am thru sacrificing and hurting myself for the sake of others..... what was fair about puttoig ANY aspect of my relationship on hold, or even ending it.
so i said to allen....".no." and then "now what? cus the only reason emily didnt still demand we end it was cus of his comprimise. and now that i said no... what now?"
cus i mean it....
as much as i love alen.... i have very little of a relationship as it is. i am unwillign to scarifice even a little bit of what i do have....
so yeah... my worst fear... has come tru. and i am having a hard tiem dealign with it. cus i feel hurt. emily told me it was ok, asked me to stay with allen, then days later demands we break up....
i am scared again. and angry. and bitter.
i am also, in limbo. i told allan, b4 he menationed the comprimise and b4 the big fight that i dont know where our relationship is going. i am tired of hiding, but i dont want them to come out just for me.... i just wanted to let them know that i donno how much longer i can do this for.....i told them both that in our talks. i mean i have been dating allan for a yr now, i love him, and if this were any other relationship, even with kids.... i;d be talkigbaout moving in together, taking it up a few notches.... but with polyamoury, hows that work? well thast aoerks when all parties want a blended family, as far as i knew eventually we all wanted a blanded family, right? or do we? i knwo i do, i knwo allan does, and i know emily... did. des she now? and if she does, when? how much longer am i to be the grlfrend on the side. the worman he see for a cpl hrs on thursdays and a cpl hours on sundays.....
how much longer do i have to fear beign founfd out. how much longer do i have to hide? i love this man, i'd liekt o tell my family. i'd like to hold his hand in public, i;d liek to go out ona date woth being worried sum1 will see us.
i used to be happy with us just being freinds in public and lovers/ bf-gf in private..... but not now. now i want more.... and i dont see how i ever will have more? and even with the promise of more,ie eventually a belended family, i dont see how much longer i can hide. i am so alone. and i am unhapy! i am so fucking unhappy in this relationship now because of all this fucking hiding and it breaks my heart! and i know it bothers allen too, and i knwo he is tired of hiding, and i knw he wants to come out.... but even when he eventually comes out, how and when will i fit in? i still want more? i still will want to move things up a notch and i cant.... cus he has another life, and before my relationship with him can go up to the nxt level which for me is intergrating our lives, moving in together etc..... we need to wait till emily AND ALAN are ready...and how long will that be when she has said she wanted allan and i to end our relationship till hers and allns was fixed....
how? when?
i cant wait forever, i thought i could..... i thought i cld be happy with what i had.... and not want moe... but i want more. i long for it. i want to be a part of allens life. not beside it. and he says that i am not, but i am on the side. i live on my own. and i dont want that. i want to have the hunny i'm home, i want the watching tv together, i want the mundane life stuff tohgether, i want the suppers together, i want rhe budget panning, i want the grocery shopping together, the laundry together, the cleaning the home, the cuddles at night, the waking uo in the morning and trying to get him outta bed, i want a life with allen. and i by no means whatsoever want things to end with him and emily... what i want is that blended family..... her and him with their kids and me under the same roof.....i want to be together......
and after she demanded it end... well how do i know 5 yrs down the rd she wont demand it end again?
how do i know when she will be ready to come out? and even when she is ready to come out... when will they both be ready to have me as a part of their family under the same roof?
i am not asking to move in..... i just.... i want moire.....maybe i am askign to move in.... i dunno...i just know i am so unhappy with what little i have now.... i want more.....and i dont think what i am asking for is unreasonable...its what any relationship has...intergrated lives. taking it up from dating to a relationship to a commitied long term relationship....
and am haunted by the words i said to my best friend...
"why do i do this to myself"
and her reply
"maybe because u dont think u deserve better?"
and another friend tellign me
"dont settle for second best."
and i am hauted by the feeling lately that with being the girlfriend ont eh side, with the lack of the ability to take things upa notch.... that i have settled for secodne best, and that thought kills me insode. cus i dont think allan is secodne best to anything or anyone.....and i know he doenst see me as second best or #2. but the relationship....the relationship..... is it seocnde best?
and i know allan doesnt love me any less then emily...... there is no # and #2.... but still....

oh allen..... je t'aime. but i dont know how much longer i can wait or how much stronger i can be....