thoughts

sumtimes i wonder if people really get me at all...
still miffed about the whole friends with benefits thing... told allan point blank, no sex. boundary drawn. no. period. no. i told him i understand if we make mistake and cross that line bu accident...but if that happens we agree It was a mistake, and move on and do our damnedest not to make that mistake again.... i'm not ok with friend with benefits... but in understand we may slip up, we just cant not make it a regular thing and have to try our best not to do it.... we need to make a conscious decision not to have sex...period....

anyways.... monday going to see a show in a another city with an old high school friend...just one thing. i dunno if it is a date or not? then there was last weekend, i kinda accepted a date ....or did i?, to have a friend over fer a movie...alone.... ok....i know u can have guy friends just both these guys have given off that "i like you more then friend" vibe...u know.... so i plan to subtly ask if these are dates ot not....

and if the are....am i ok with that so soon? cus i'd rahter not rebound with these two sweet guys...u know? rebounds only hurt.... and it wld be a rebound... but i didnt think that it was a date until afterwards i went...wait a sec... what are these guys intentions.....


this is fucked up...

theme song

THIS IS PROB THE MOST DECRIPTIVE SONG OF HOW IF EEL..ONLY THING IS...I WONT CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT MY DECISIONS. WHATS DONE IS DONE....

NATALIE BROWN : CONFUSED
VIDEO HERE
LYRICS:
V1
I feel a challenge in my soul today
Questioning things I believed in so firmly yesterday
How can I have faith in myself and what I feel to be true
When the next day I feel my heart and mind telling me something new
I feel the twisting of my soul today
Something is challenging my perceptions
And what I'm going through is hard
And I admit, right now I'm not O.K. So...

Chorus:
Right now, I am confused
Right now, I don't exactly know what to choose
This day feels so unlike the rest
Right now, I am confused

V2
I feel a burden in my spirit today
Feels like everything that I've ever trusted in
Has been washed away
I feel like I'm grappling for the truth
Don't understand decisions that I made while in my youth
In my mind I know I gotta live with what I've chosen
But in my heart I struggle
''cause I can't live with a heart that's frozen
Inside my heart and soul just want to fly

Bridge:
All my questions came to late
I don't get a chance to reevaluate?
Can not bear to live with choices I made
Gonna make a change
Feel a change in my soul today
Gonna let the past fade away
Won't be confused no more


i think right now, this is "our song" me and allan that is... cus i know i love him, and i know he loves me but with all this bs of the breakup well i fee just as confused as this song..... i know we love each other but boy oh boy just liek this song goes back and forth back and forth....thats how my thought process is right now...

TATU: LOVES ME
VIDEO HERE
LYRICS:


I complicated our lives
By falling in love with him
I complicated our lives
Now I'm losing my only friend
I don't know why, I had to try
Living my life on the other side
Now I'm so confused
I don't know what to do

He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me...
I started blurring the lines
Because I didn't care
I started crossing the line
Cause you were never there
No where to turn,
No one to help,
It's almost like I don't even know myself
Now I have to choose
I don't know what to do
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, she loves me

He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me...
No where to turn,
No one to help,
It's almost like I don't even know myself
Now I have to choose
I don't know what to do
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
Loves me not...
tatu:

confused

he says he'll let me lead. whatever i want......
i coulda had a friend with benefits. found that out after talking with allan. basically he's taking his cues offa me... whatever i want he's there for....he's game fer....
but sex isnt just sex to me. theres an emotional and even a spiritual connection. and i'd eventually want more. and ot would break me , tear me, kill me to know that i could never have it....
i cant settle for what i can get, if wha i can get is less then what i need...

dear god it took every once within me to say no tonight....my body just crumpled under his touch....so...i dont think i can cuddle him....

so it wasnt just sex. but we arent back on. ok thats good.... but we need boundaries.... and i am not sure i can have those with him....

i'm tired...... so very very very tired.....

w...t...f....????

ok so umm... i wasnt going to blog this but well...i've been confused all day and i need... NEED to get this out....

so umm yeah, this week has Berna a week of acceptance.... slowly but surely i am accepting allan and i are friends....
i can think of him without crying so much, and to ee him isnt so painful.... i hear a bike in the street and i dont cry so much...
course i'd like to point out a neighbour happen to have the SAME FUCKING BIKE ANS ALLAN so i hear that thing going and i automatically think of Allan
anyways
so last night we are together after game at pauls place...
allan come upstairs....
he needs to talk...
bout emily...
i let him vent, i understand.... and i'm ok...
i hold his hand, i comment but mostly i try to listen and occasionally throw and idea out there....
i wont go into the conversation but needless to say he was feeling hurt.... and emily and allan have taken a few steps back i think int he trust area....
fuck!

so after he vents, we mention food and decide to walk to the local pool/billiards hall and grab a beer (btw, miller premium light SUCKS!) and then a bite to eat....

we admit to each other we still have feelings...
and that we are definitely attracted to one another...
and anyways, we end up cuddling in bed...
and next thing i know he's pouring his heart out and i'm feeling so very much connected to him and then we...
well...
we made love

I KNOW! WTF? i mean... he asked me what i wanted and i said " you, me, us.. thn i am fighting the urge to kiss him.. and hes doing the same for me... and then i inch my head up and one kiss...
bang...
i had flash backs all day today..
i'm talkin to a customer then

whooosh....
scene from last night comes outta nowhere
i'm in between calls then
whoosh another scene from last night outta nowhere...
i mean this used to happen al lot but i learned to deal with them...today were so ....undealable...

i dont know what last night was tho....
i mean...
was it just sex?
are we back on?
does he think we are?
did i leas him on?
am i sending mixed messages?
is he sending em mixed messages?
are we fuck buddies now?
was it a one time fluke?

what....exactly....happened ...last...night.....???????????

wtf was last night???????


i'm so confused.......

i just took like ten steps back in getting over allan....

To wolfie, a poem...

My dear friend, my blood mother still lives but my spiritual mother Mae went home to heave 3 yrs ago this july 15th....so i can understand....
Wollfie, your mother sounded like an amazing woman ( see post here)
my heart and prayers are with all yourt family....
and you are right.... thinking of the great woman she was and holding onto those memories and celebrating her, thats beautiful thing to do...
wolfie, my dear friend..... i really am sorry for your loss... take care my friend....
i tried to write you sumthing...i'm sorry, i dont do happy poetry well....but i tried....


Wolf's Momma's Poem

death can hold us
bind us
twist and break us
or it can be seen
as a new beginning
its not that i dont feel your loss...
i do
with every beat of my heart
i do
it is just i choose to remember
you love
you presence
and your life.
when i do that,
i feel released
at peace
and loved.
cus u r always here
with me
and you'll be there
waiting for me....
i love you momma...

to allan...

we shared a love that was not meant for all time... and no matter where life brings me... or who i meet... and even when i do find another to spend my life with...i'll always remember our time together...... it was not meant to last.... but the memories will.... it was a love before time....eternal...but not possible.... i'll always rmeebr, i'lla lways be able to find my way back to you, in my memories and heart...
I love you Allan....
You have my heart...
always....
mon amour, que je t'adore avec tous mon couere

"A Love Before Time"
COCO LEE
ENGLISH VIDEO HERE
MANDARIN VIDEO HERE
LYRICS:
If the sky opened up for me,
And the mountain disappeared,
If the seas ran dry, turned to dust
And the sun refused to rise
I would still find my way,
By the light I see in your eyes
The world I know fades away
But you stay

As the earth reclaims it due
And the cycle starts anew
We'll stay, always
In the love that we have
Shared before time

If the years take away
Every memory that I have
I would still know the way
That would lead me back to your side
The north star may die
But the light that I see in your eyes
Will burn there always

Lit by the love we have
Shared before time

When the forest turns to jade
And the stories that we've made
Dissolve away
One shining light will still remain

When we shed our earthly skin
And when our real life begins
There'll be no shame
Just the love that we have made before time

theme song

i'm still trying to get over you... three weeks tommroow... how long will this take....i dunno....i still cry myself to sleep at night....and i stillw ake up everymorning feeling blue, and lost....


Until I Get Over You:Christina Milian
video here
lyrics:

Woke up today thinking of you
Another night that I made my way through
So many dreams still left in my mind
But they can never come true
I press rewind and remember when
I close my eyes and I'm with you again
But in the end I can still feel the pain, every time I hear your name

[Chorus]
The sun won't shine since you went away
Seems like the rain's falling every day
There's just one heart, where there once was two
But that's the way it's gotta be,
'til I get over you

[ Milian Christina Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
[Verse 2]
Walked through the park, in the evening air
I heard a voice and I thought you were there
I run away but I just can't escape
Memories of you everywhere
They say that time will dry the tears
But true love burns for a thousand years
Give my tomorrows for one yesterday
Just to know that I could have you here

[Bridge]
When will this river of tears stop fallin'
Where can I run so I won't feel alone
Can't walk away when the pain keeps callin'
I've just gotta take it from here on my own
But it's so hard to let go

cuddles and wtf's

so, last weekend, had my usual sunday night gaming session with friends.
allan picked me up
as usual
we chit chat, im doing my best to act casual and "friendly" all the while dreading the end of the night.
when we get to paul's place, i stikc close to the gitls. pauls got a new girlfriend, Elizabeth, she is a real doll. british, more specifically english.
anyways normally id be right there on the sofa, sittign beside allan...as close as possible without being obvious....
that night i stay close to the girls...elizabeth, lynn, and bev.
end of the night comes.... allan drive me home...
i break down into tears on the way home....
explain to him this would be the first sunday we gamed since we broke up... and explain that every sunday we would go upstairs after game....and have time alone together...
we get to talking... and i ask allan upstairs to talk
"sure, i didnt want to invite myself in..." he says
we talk.... i cry... i cant stop crying.... he says to me that i am still blaming myself. asks me to sop doing that, cus that hurts him. he says, its not my fault and to stop thinking that is it my fault. he says i'm second guessing my decisions, and i cant do that.....
but i still cant stop crying.... and i am cryign so much i am actually hurting....
finally... i look at him and ask to sit beside him on the sofa.
i had purposefully sat ina chair so i wld be alone
then i still cant stop crying and i ask if i can please cuddle ....saying just before i lay in his arm "friendship, right"
and i stop crying......
i relax...
and we talk sum more....
then allan asks "it is up to you, but did you want to lay down together in bed?"
i agree.....
and i make sure i keep my clothes on (first time for everything i guess, clothes on in bed that is... normally its lingerie, or pjs, or nude)
and i doze off in his arms..... his embrace calming me... i can hear him breathing deeply.....hes not sleeping, but hes there, dozing too....
and then 3am hits... and he get up to leave.... and i am sumwhat awake... and i just lay still.... normally he gets up and i roll over straight to where he was and hug his pillow... he says its cute.... i dont do that... i dont watch him leave, i listen for that door to close and lock.... i listen for his car to pull away... then and only then do i undress, and roll over to his side of the bed, hug his pillow... and cry myself to sleep....

i had to have sent him mixed messages.....
and for that i am sorry....

so i sent him an email (it was how i always communicated initially, limited contact being what it was) and told him i was sorry. and i would not cross that boundary again... friends....
no more cuddling....

i still am not over him.....
i still love him....
i see him i want to love him., hold him, be with him. stay with him, have a life with him, be his strength, be his confidant, be his love, be his friend, be his and his alone.....

instead, i am alone.

wtf was i thinking on sunday night?
i kni forgot that he is breaking up wiht me too...i forgot he is in pain too.... and i was selfish, and wanted to stop crying and the only wasy i could think ws in his arms... cus he has always been calming effect on me....
never again.....
i'm sorry allan for sending mixed signals.... least we didnt have sex..... i'd nvr do that to you.....

last night

well, with my neck being the way it has been, i have not been able to go out to pick up supplies, or really cook... my dad was supposed to come by wednesday to take me to get supplies and drop off sum spaghetti to get me thru the week...
h didnt.
i called wednesday he said he wld be by thursday
he didnt
so friday i am sitting woth nothing to drink at all. except tap water. no jilk no juice, nuttin. cats are outta food. and i have nuttin quick to make except sandwiches...and i can choose tuna, cheese, tomato, or a combo of all ....
then the pain starts again and i lef tmy magic bag at work (u know thos ethings u heat up ad wrap around ur neck)
anyays i am in tremendous pain and the pain killers i was given arent working... so i call allan...
ask him if he or emily cld take me out to get supplies...

i am high
seriously. i too 2 robax platinum ( as prescribed) and i am high when call him and high when he shows up.
we get o giggling and carrying on ad tee heeing all the time ....
cus i am high.

then, it wears off.... cus u know u can only be high so much for so long.. and this had already been a cpl hrs or so...
and then i am in pain. physically and emotionally
i tell him my dad never showed and i start to cry and say i had to call him for help. he tel me not to feel guilty and i blurt out that i dont feel guilty about asking for his help for once cus i am not talking hi away fro sum body (ie i am not taking him away to spend time as his girlfriend...and he isnt hiding it from emily either cus anytime i asked for sumthign outside of date night 9/10 he'd hide it from emily)" but rally i am crying partly cus of dad but partly cus i cant see him without crying... i feel so hurt...
seeing him hurts....
he helps me carry my stuff out then makes a mad dash for the door cus while we were out he got the call to come into work....

i feel the pain..all over again... but a cpl robax and a Tylenol , sum chocolate milk and ice cream... and i fall asleep...

i wake up to fat cat sleeping on my chest... which can only mean one thing.... i must've fallen asleep crying. he only ever sleeps on my chest if i am crying. he tried to comfort me b curling up and purring on my chest.... otherwise he sleep at my side or my feet....

my neck feels better today tho....
my heart.....
feels pain.....

Fox Elipsus Indigo

so, i'm listeining tosome new music that was introduced to me via facebook..... the artist asked me what i thoguht of the music.. iw arned him it woudlbe a long email and alsed him to forgive my many typos (i am quite proud actually, i think i have very few spellign wrror...pleantly of grammer erros thos)
His name is Fox Elipsus Indigo and u can listen to his music here

here what i sent..... and i think it is too much, honestly i cldve kept it short... i mean seriosuly! sheesh! i overcomplicate things....


"well i have not gotten thru all the music yet ;-) but this email wont be short
and please excuse any typos, i am NOTORIOUS amongst my friends for my typos....spell check is foreign to me ;-)


i am impressed, entranced, hooked, and pleasantly surprised
i have a question, the guitar solo i hear at the beginning of the song "monuments" do u play that or was that somebody else? i loved it
i must say, whether it is the lyrics or the music alone they do touch a person!
so far i like the variety.
a lot of the songs i have heard so far have bean about love. and some have even been about loss. and do those ever touch me deeply! when u sing of love - lost, gained, found- it seems like it is true feelings and it is not like some of the commercialised stuff you hear these days which seems to focus on what sounds good and not what has meaning. your music sounds good,AND has meaning. the music really does touch me.
i think that you really are meeting your vision of following in the likes of "the great ones" :)
to give you some specific examples of what i thought:
"killing in the name of currency"~ All i can say is the message it carries forth is a strong one.
"i could go with you"~ made me cry. it was so soulful, terribly sad. made me think of all the loves I'd lost and wished i could have stayed and it was like a prayer to those old loves. I'm not sure if that was your intention. it was heart breaking to hear. definitely one of my favourites.
"monuments"~ this one song and a few others had unanswered questions as a theme. this is another part to your music that i enjoy. it inspires thought, invokes questions and wonder. i like this. your music isn't brainlessness. LOL
now to be honest tho there is one song that i dd not like "momentum of the underground" the lyrics were OK but the music itself was too much like other dance music I've heard... hey, i can't like everything can I? LOL :) but to be truthful i have loved everything else so far and have recommended it to many of my friends.
i can honestly say you have a wide variety of music so far and again i am loving that.
your songs do not sound like a lot of the commercialised stuff that is out there these days . it is honest. soulful, touching, and genuine.
and by the way... "the scientist" i heard done by "cold play" and to be honest.... i enjoy your version better. it just seems like your version was much more genuine. i liked how u took out a lot of the instruments and how this allowed a person to focus more on the lyrics and feeling to the song. and the same goes for "losing my religion" amazing covers! ;-)

thank you again for introducing me to you music. i must say that using facebook 9and myspace) to get your music out there is a great idea! i was impressed :) this is a perfect example of using social networking to ones business advantage without breaking trust or privacy policies (least i hope not, LOL)
anyways, on that note i shall depart. this email is far too long and i have some more music to listen to ;-)
Take Care,
signed with my real name and not cries alone or walks with wolves"

LOL, i amlost copy pasted my real name...LOL. oops ;-) sorry folks.

well i gtg. i really am listening to his music and am impressed, and addicted!!!!!


oh andi wrote him again
"PS: and the song "sumthing in your eyes" had the same impact as "i could go woth you.... wow....
the lyrics, the musics... i'm amazed."
and again
"PPS; i just heard "song for the terrorosits"
ok i am blown away .... this one song, is the ONE SONG that i feel should be listened to by as many ppl as possible. it is music like this that will change the world.
wow!"

oh and " PPPS; by the way, "fantasy" made me blush! roflol. i immediatly told my boyfriend he needed to listen to that song! i am awaiting his response LOL"


i know i need help.... i type waaaay too many stuff! LOL

two weeke tommrow

so Allan dropped by unexpectedly Thursday night.... heres the thing, i'm terrified of spiders. i dont know why, i just am. gimme bees, wasps, ants, worms, snakes. rabid dogs with rabies, raccoons, bears, bats, lions i dont care the only thing i and terrified of is spiders. and i know they mean me no harm, i mean sure barn spiders are aggressive but their bites arent killer, only makes u swell up and thats only if u r allergic.... i cant explain it...i'm terrified of them
anyways, i had posted on facebook i had this huge ass spider on my balcony and i was too afraid to get rid of it.... didnt want to kill it, just wanted to get it off my balcony.
the first time i tried it landed on me.
the next time i got rid of its web.
and the third time after that i got it to go on the other side of the balcony to my next neighbour's balcony who is a lil ol' lady.
i didnt think she'd appreciate that spider either...
anyways the whole while i am posting my spider woes on facebook...
all a sudden i get a buzz, its allan, come to get rid of spidy.
O-M-G

we had told each other we'd still be friends. we had promised each other since the beginning "friendship first"
but when i finally said those words on Sunday July 26Th at about midnight..... i hadnt spoke to him since....
now the night b4 this all happened (the spider i mean) on Wednesday night i did leave a comment on the chat box of our favourite facebook game - paradimgn. to which he replied. and on Thursday morning i sent him a bulk email of a comic strip i knew he'd like, but i sent it to many others too....
so still no direct contact... then Thursday while i am putting my spider woes on facebook, i managed to comment on his status on facebook....jus ta cpl comments....that was my first time trying to talk to him ina week and 1/2
eleven days no contact
in the 2 yrs we've been together... thats the longest we've ever gone with no contact
anyways... he shows up.... and i let him in... and i see him and i am suddenly so happy.
and for an instant....
i forget.
he rounds thew corner of my kitchen
i see him and in that instant i am forgetting we are no longer a couple.
i am thinking i shld go over and give him his welcome kiss and hug i always give him.
he has commented before that he loves getting kissed by me. that when i kiss him with that welcome kiss it is as passionate as if i hadnt seen in in a very long time, whether It be a day, and hour, or a week. its always passionately.
then it hits me.
we arent together.
so he asks to see this spider.
goes out with the broom and my spiderban spray. i tell him i dont want to kill it (actually i use the spider ban to spray them away, stuff makes em run away, if u spray them directly it kills them. spray their web and areas they just go find another more welcoming spot...) anyways....
he goes over till kill spidy.
and i am caught between feelings of happiness i see him again..and sadness... cus i see him again...
he kills spidy and just b4 i go i show him the good news that my neck is feeling better....moving it all round saying "see, much better. very lil pain now"
and he gives me a hug
and int hat moment. his arms a round me... he's tightly embracing me....i cling to him and i start to shake a lil bit...

i push hum away, the hug lasts about 30 seconds, maybe 45....
i push him away immediately turn towards the opposite direction so he doesnt see my tears and i blurt out "anyways, u said u cld only stay a bit, u shld get going..."
and i dont watch him leave....
cus i'm crying...'silently letting the tears fall.. and when i am sure he cant hear anymore...
i start wailing again....
i cant stop the tears....
see that hug, that one embrace hurt me more then i ever thought it could. because i suddenly realised...this was it. this hug was all i was ever going to have with allan. ever. period. no more. ever. period. friendship. period. no more love with him. period.no more. period. we were thru as lovers. period. just friends. period. never again. period.
and it hurt so bad i felt it like a deep tearing... it was a pain i never wanted to feel.
but it was there....
and i cldnt help but cry, sob, wail... all over again.... the pain of the separation made all the more real...with just that hug... no more with him.. ever. period
once i gain enuff control to be able to speak i call emily up...
i explain to her he dropped by without warning and i was caught off guard. i wasnt ready to see him yet... and i am crying and i cant stop...
she tried to be there for me but she and kids were heading to the lake (and allan was to meet them there)


so i hung up...talked maybe 5 minutes.. and cried some more
i call allan. leave him a voicemail as he doest answer as he is prob still on his motorcycle on his way home...and in between sobs i ask him to call next time he comes over...that i need to brace myself emotionally b4 seeing him. i was thankful for the spider, more then he knew. and i wasnt being mean, i just needed him to call b4 he came over so i cld brace myself as i wasnt ready to see him" i hang up barely being able to speak, sobbing again.
he calls me back almost immediately... and i cant hid the tears.... and he says it wasnt his intention to hurt me he just wanted to help his friend...i told him i needed time. i just need him to call b4, so i can brace myself... then i cut the conversation short, saying i had to go, and said bye....
ans began sobbing, crying, and and wailing all over again...
later that night, i talk to emily online.... she explains that Allan was prepared for when i left him....she says that he thinks i am pushing his friendship away. i try to say i'm not.. all awhile thinking i am....
pain....


and then allan comes online.
and we talk.. first time in eleven days...we talk. he tells me it hurts him that seeing him makes me hurt.. tells me he thought about dropping by the day b4. he drove by my place. but he couldnt stop inside. he said it hurt too much. he says when he came in, when he rounded that corner of my kitchen all he cld think was "lets make this as quick and painless as possible"
i admitted i forgot for a moment that we werent together....
we talked longer.... him telling me to stop beating myself up . that this wasnt my fault. him telling me he almost wishes he had done something wrong, that then it would make things easier on us both... cus i admitted to him that when there is a wrong done i forgive that person and i let the love die and that isnt so easy when i leave because what i want and need isnt going to be met in the relationship...
i am crying the whole time we talk online.... i cant hardly see the keyboard as i typed...
at one point he asked me if i was still sure. meaning the break-up. i asked him not to ask me that again.
cus truth be told. i am not sure. i regret. i still want to be with him. cus even the little bit i had with him feels better then nothing.... being a part time girlfriend was better then being a full time friend anyway...
but i dont tell him this. i just ask him not to ask me that again...

we end the conversation when he says he has to work at 8am....and its 1am.
i admit i feel weird just ending it... cu i am used to typing sumthing... instead i type "take care" and "chow"
all the while wanting to type " i love you" and "i miss you"
and just b4 i leave i ask him to make me promise....i ask him not to do with me what he did with angel (one of his other poly relationships from few yrs ago) i ask him that when he dates again, not to hide her from me. to tell me.
he promises, saying thats all he can do.
then i say "take care" and 'chow" and i wait for him to sign off....
he doesnt .....
i wait... he doesnt....
i have to sign off...

whoever said "tis better to have love and lost, then to not have loved at all" was full of shit and obviously on sum good fucking shit.... cus i regret falling in love, because i feel this loss...

one of my friends says that i have a big heart. that it is only because i love so much i feel such pain.
perhaps they are right....
i dont know if i like having such big heart to Love so much..... if it means i feel this kind of hurt and

theme songs

got introduced to a new artist today... via facebook of all places....
Fox Elipsus
i can't find any lyrics to copy paste and i'm too lazy to dothem myself (so far) but heres sum videos.....
these are todays theme songs.... THESE ARE DEDICATED TO ALLAN.... altho i can live without his love, and i will survive...but the sentiment is there....

SOMETHING IN YOUR EYES
VIDEO HERE

UNREQUITED
LISTEN HERE

how am i doing now

not so good.... havign a pity party...... woe is me... all alone... can't even walk to the fucking store to get sum strawberry milk or green tea with apple iced tea.....
i mean, thsi is pathetic.... i felt like this wheenever i was sick but the difference then wa si could call allan and he'd come by... i didnt do it often cus i alsays felt g guilty for calling him outside of date nght....

oh man, here i go again... all sadand such....

i wanna find that sumbody who i can turn around and see waiting for me....
where are they..... where? i can be happy alone, but i just.... i want to go home.... and this isnt home, u know? i want to go home. i can be happy on my own, but it isnt home.


TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART
BONNIE TYLER
LYRICS:

(Turnaround)
Every now and then
I get a little bit lonely
and you're never coming around
(Turnaround)
Every now and then
I get a little bit tired
of listening to the sound of my tears
(Turnaround)
Every now and then
I get a little bit nervous
that the best of all the years have gone by
(Turnaround)
Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified
and then I see the look in your eyes
(Turnaround bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turnaround bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turnaround)
Every now and then I get a little
bit restless and i dream of something wild
(Turnaround)
Every now and then I get a little bit
helpless and im lying like a child in your arms
(Turnaround)
Every now and then I get a little bit angry
and I know I have to get out and cry
(turnaround)
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
but then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn around bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn around bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
(repeat 2x)

Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround, every now and then I know
you'll never be the boy you always you wanted to be
Turnaround, every now and then I know
you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am
Turnaround, every now and then I know
there's no one in the universe as magical and wonderous as you
Turnaround, every now and then I know
there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
Nothing I can say
Total eclipse of the heart
Total eclipse of the heart
Total eclipse of the heart

how am i doing

so, asides from the neck pains.... i think i'm doing better.
I still can't look ata pic of the guy without gettign al teary eyed. Emily posted pics on facebook of their vacation they took last weekend, but i havent looked st them yet.
i see him on my msn messenger from tiem to time, i resist the urge to automatically log off now...oh the urge is there, i just push thru it.
he said we'd still be freinds..... i dont want to seem like i am avoiding him, but i need space.
this sunday is our usual game night with freinds. not sure if i can go.... last eekend was a holiday so no game, the weekend b4 i broke up allan, the weekend b4 that allan and emily fought....
i want to game
but it will have been only been 2 wks....
wow... this sunday will b 2 wks without alan.....

i miss him. last thursday was hard. that was our night together.... this thursday i wont be able to go out.... i am at home with a very sore neck. will be forced to be hom,e. n walks. no late night shopping at the grovery store.... m stuck. at home. alone.
shit

its liek i told allan time and time again.... no mater what, he's got emily. i got me.
yipee!

as i said b4, i can be on my own. i can be happy. just having sumbody in my life makes it happier, fuller, better.
for no thats too soon...
eventually....
i am trying not to mope. amd tryign not to cocoon. its hard.....
i just want to ball up and not let anybody in....

i'm still hurting.

i have no idea how he is doing. i dont want to know. cus if he's ok, i'll feel liek crap. if he's not ok i'll feel liek crap... so not knowing is beter sumhow. ignorance is bliss afterall, right?

another theme song and a poem

i posted this song b4... but it stands much truer now that i've left him.....i will always love allan. i will be able to bear the pain of separation, put on that mask of friendship, fall in love again... but i will alwasy love him.
hmmmm, what do u know... i guess i am polyamourous afterall...only differnece is, i will only date one man and commit to onlyone man even tho my heart loves more then one... more then a soft spot....

our heaven
is gone
my love...
but i have the memories....
both painful
and comforting.
i have the momoroes
of you
and me
sealed deep withen my heart
always

Heaven (Translated from Japanese to English)
Ayumi Hamasaki
Video Here

The final smile that I ever saw from you
Was something offered to me honestly, just to me
And words cannot describe how it was beautiful
My heart was torn in two, and the tears began to fall.

That final day for us we realised
How true the love we’d found.

The journey that we took for love’s discovery
The many times we passed eachother by, unaware
That something wanted us to be together
And now I know we can believe, no matter how it ends

That this could not have come from anything
Other than destiny.

La la la ~
La la la ~

Now from the heavens into which you journey
All the stars you pass are shining down so tenderly
Upon me.

Leave me not alone, my beloved one,
Crossing over time, further out of sight
Don’t you see the days
That we have yet to share
Yes, they wait beyond the dawn
There’s a future for us there…

Leave me not alone, my beloved one,
Crossing over time, further out of sight
Don’t you see the days
That beyond the rising sun
They are waiting for us there.
Oh hear this now, my beloved one,
Here within my heart, you will keep on living
So you’ll never fade
And you’ll never have to die
For I swear that I will never say goodbye.

That final day for us we realised
How true the love we’d found.

a french poem and todays theme song

to allan.... xoxxox....always will love you, but i just couldnt do it any more.... i couldnt. i tried....

HANDSOME
je t'aime mon amour.
a que je t'adore!
toujours
mon amour
vous etes a mon coeur
toujours


Kelly Clarkson
Already Gone
Lyrics:

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on,
So I'm already gone

break ups really are a pain int he neck

literally...
remember that car accident i blogged about a while back. u know where i was on my lil red bicycle and i collided witha lil black Volkswagen jetta... all cus he wasnt watching for me and i was in the middle of lookin in the opposite direction for traffic....
anyways.. i hurt my neck
a few months later (march i thin) i got a memory foam pillow and it seemed to take care of the injury.. i was fine

yeah last weekend i took 3 days to break up with allan...
monday i started feeling the pain in my neck...

think about it fer a sec... when u get stressed most ppls neck muscles tighten....
mine did
only problem was when they tightened they aggravated the old injury.... and the pain didnt go away... 1 week later and i was in excruciating pain...

turns out i got whiplash. and the stress from last weekend managed to cause the "levator scapul" muscles to tighten and stay tight.........

i had to get a massage... very painful.. but worth the pain cus least now i can type and i can turn my head.... pain still there but bearable....


anyways....

i just have to say this....

breakups are such a pain in the neck


i can hear the "groans" from my "groanable joke" from here!

hey i gotta laugh, otherwise i'll cry and u know me laughter is just a part of how i heal and deal...